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Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

24K views 154 replies 24 participants last post by  famethrowa 
#1 ·
I saw a post by samyeagar in another thread but didn't want to jack the thread. He used the term retroactive jealousy, which I found to be the perfect description of what I feel.

So, my current girlfriend is 34, I'm 38. She's been married twice. Her first husband was physically abusive, the second was controling and a serial cheater. I've been married once. I know I'm too old for this jealousy crap, but I can't stop it.

I'd like to know how to get over this or at least manage it.

I'll give some examples of things that will put me in a funk.

Being a glutton for punishment, I went deep into her facebook history. Of course there were old status updates about and pictures of her ex husband. It really bothered me that she kept these. We talked about it and she said she had forgoten they were even on there. She deleted the pictures. I don't know if she has or even if you can delete a status, so I just haven't looked that far back again.

2 weeks ago I did it again but this time it was not as far back and it was just statuses and a video of the last guy she dated before me. I deactivated my FB account to help eliminate the temptation to do it again. She knew something was bothering me, so we talked about it a little bit. She reasured me that she's right where she wants to be and I am who she wants to be with.

There's a hundred little things that are like needles, they don't sting so much but they don't help the situation. Things like her saying "when we lived in _______" or "I used to drive a ______ and the mileage sucked" She doesn't mention the ex when she says these things, but I know that's the time period these things would have taken place.

Last weekend she mentioned that with her second husband she had looked into getting her tubal reversed. Man did that hit me hard. It felt like someone took a butcher knife, put it in a freezer for a week and promptly stabbed me in the gut. I mean, here's a guy that she loved so much she would consider surgery to give him a baby? A guy who was cheating on her! I almost left that night. It hurt THAT bad.

I know this is going to destroy our relationship if I don't get a handle on it. Even if it doesn't drive me away, she will end up losing respect for me because it's just screaming insecure at her. I've felt this in all serious relationships before and it did eventually stop. The problem is that, from what I remember, I had to shut down emotionally a bit to stop feeling jealous. I DON'T want to do that this time.

So what can I do? What can I read? How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I know not too?
 
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#131 ·
I have a question about Retroactive Jealousy...not having read a whole lot about it.....and maybe this is a very stupid question.... but is it ONLY if the woman/man has SEX with the previous lover(s)? After all, it seems on this forum ...the vast majority equate EA's on the same par as PA's ... like there is no difference at all (not everyone sees this the same, however)....

But is THIS primarily what makes it so powerful, so tormenting.... what if they did NOT have sex..but she was madly in love with him (or her), carried a lingering "torch" into the marriage to some degree (with the spouse feeling they could never quite match up to this figure in their imagination)... but it never got off the heels of an emotional affair...

Would the jealousy still rage, or it is because he DID her in the deepest sense?

Whether there was love there or not....is it all about THE SEX ?? ...which triggers these mind movies ?
 
#132 ·
Obviously, SA, I cannot speak for everyone. But, I would guess that sex is what makes this issue so hard to deal with. I know that if your SO was in love/infatuated with someone to the point they can't seem to leave that person in the past, that is a major issue. But with no physical intimacy I don't think mind movies are as easily triggered. At that point I think RJ just turns into a case of one feeling emotionally inadequate. And, if you SO is still hung up on someone from their past, inadequate seems a pretty justified thing to feel.

With true RJ I'm not sure if that feeling of inadequacy comes into play as much. I could be wrong. Everyone is different. I guess I'm saying I think RJ and sex go hand in hand. That may be primarily because I can 'see' (imagine) my SO having sex with someone else. I can't 'see' an emotional attachment. I can't picture that attachment in my mind. But I can picture them doing all kinds of awful, freaky things together. Whether they ever did those things or not doesn't really matter. I can still 'see' it.

I hope that made a little sense. I am operating on very little sleep the past few days. :p
 
#135 ·
Fascinating discussion, I had no idea this was a problem. Do people ever feel retroactive guilt for their own past behavior to go along with the jealousy? Do you feel the need to erase all memories of your past? Are you able to keep any mementos from past experiences or do you have to throw everything out at the end of a relationship?

I can see where this would be related to obsessive compulsive behavior, I have several family members with that problem and now I wonder if they are suffering with RJ.
 
#136 ·
Do people ever feel retroactive guilt for their own past behavior to go along with the jealousy? Do you feel the need to erase all memories of your past?
I would have to say no to that. Of course, that's just one person's opinion. Why? Well, I know all of my past history and I know exactly what it meant / means to me. I have complete clarity and perspective.

However, I do not know all of my wife's past history. As I stated in a thread I started about this a while back there may have been some deception. So I don't know that. Plus, can I ever really know what something like these past events and memories mean to someone else? Sure, she can say they don't mean anything now or she doesn't think about them at all. But, do I really know that? No.

So there's the nagging thoughts of not knowing something I thought I knew long ago combined with maybe she's purposefully keeping it from me because it still means something to her. Or, worse yet, it's not just a little I don't know but a WHOLE LOT she's kept from me.

And round and round we go.........
 
#141 ·
Ugh. She moved the cedar chest into my music room. Guests are arriving in a few days and she put the guest bed in her office, and moved the chest out for some added space. I don't go into her office due to the negative energy from that chest. But my own music room?

Tomorrow my son and I will be moving it to the basement for the duration.
 
#144 ·
Each person is different and deals in different ways. Some are bothered by a kiss in 7th grade? Yeah, heard of that and talked to some people on forums about it. The difference in men and women are different, and they are not all the same either. Some guys are upset that their lady went out whoring and had alot of one nighters. Women(not all) tend to be ok with their guy doing that stuff, but are super jealous over a previous marriage or a long term relationship. Rj effects everyone in different ways. Some guys go on and on about their wives previous **** fest 10 or 15 years ago, becuase she felt unloved, raped, molested as a child, ect. Some even argue that none of that is an excuse. If she was looking for the dopamine high or wanting that loving feeling from screwing a bunch of different guys, seems like she would have figured that out after the first two or three. It just goes on and on. Some are mad over a kiss, or just a handjob. She would do threeways and fourways ect, but for you all thats off the table. Makes a guy not feel alpha enough or not studdly enough for the big show. Makes you wonder why treat her like a queen when the other loosers treated her like a f*cktoy and they get the big show. Its like just getting the scraps left over from everyone else.

For me, its the whoring that bothers me the most, not the previous marriage or relationships she had. Thats just me though. There is no age group, or differentials between woman and man, anyone can be affected by it. I knew all the gory details going in, and fell in love anyway. The deeper the love grew, the worse the Rj became. Working on year 16 now and its gotten alot better, but its still there and I trigger often. Sometimes I wonder if I should have run instead.
 
#150 · (Edited)
But, she claims, the chest means nothing to her other than being a nice piece of furniture. We can afford to buy something nice which is ours, without the ghosts to replace it.

If it means so little to her, and is such a thorn in my side, she should welcome the chance to remove this issue from our relationship for good. She should welcome making new bonds between us.
[/sarcasm mode off]

Somehow though I think her selfishness and lack of empathy will reign.
 
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