If your sex life started to suffer because your wife was no longer interested in sex and you found out that the reason for this was because your wife no longer felt an emotional connection with you because of arguments, not feeling loved or supported by you, etc., would you be willing to put your sexual needs aside and concentrate on the non-sexual aspects of the marriage first? Would you be understanding that there are certain things your wife has to feel from/about you before she can give herself to you this way? Would you think it important for your wife to continue to have sex with you (going through the motions) at the same time that you are working on becoming a better husband to her?
Yes, someone has to blink. And I have a feeling that most men hold sex as being such a high priority that they are unwilling to blink even if it means throwing their marriage away.
I am a woman, I think you BOTH need to be exerting effort at the same time- to some degree. If you can just get him to AGREE to do this & be faithful about it, this should make it a little easier to please him. But if you want him to only work on what you want, then he will start to feel some resentment, not to mention growing more sexually frustrated. I don't think many women understand this "feeling". I have been on both sides of this feeling, so I feel I can speak for the "man".
IF he is one hell of a NICE guy -he may accually do what you are suggesting -- Only you know How much Love & understanding is coming from HIS end. If he is not getting it, I feel you you may have to go above & beyond with him -while he is trying/making an effort to please you & your needs.
Do this for yourself (in the meantime) if you are struggling with feeling sexual "Desire" & closeness for him:
If you have "Move Maker" on your computer, usually a free program, take the time to scan & copy many of your favorite dating pictures, wedding photos, good memories when you were HAPPY, put them in order into this program , add your favorite LOVE song, and watch this back together. It may take you both by surprise , flooding you with what you once shared together.
I did this one night, WOW, it really affected me in a Gooooood way . I also made one for a friend of mine, they do have some marital problems, and she told me "He cried" watching it. It did bring them a little closer, for awhile anyway.
I have already attempted the route where we both exert effort at the same time...he became happy again and so did I but then I became miserable again because his effort stopped. After his effort stopped, so did mine. Back to square one.
Considering how the majority of women enjoy and respond to a male displaying leadership in the relationship it's really up to the man to set the standard of the relationship interaction.
__________________
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is available to buy! Love, Sex, Nice Guys, Alpha, Beta, Dealing With Cheating, Oneitis, Sexless Marriages, Sex Rank, Body Agenda, Sexy Moves, Seduction Skills and more! 344 pages of high quality practical information. The MMSL Primer Book
Well I can say yes. I have been doing exactly that for nearly a year now. OK to be fair it wasn't really becasue my sex life was suffering (it was/is) but rather because I found she was having an emotional affair. While I can say my wife has been working on things as well... and she will verbalize to the counselor that she want to have a good sex life with me ... the lack of sex for 5 months makes it pretty difficult to believe.
Quite frankly it makes believeing that she even likes me difficult at times. So... I guess what I'm saying if it is possible to communicate, do so, let him know the things he does that hurt you. If he brsuhes them off as "you shouldn't be hurt by that" simply tell him that you understand why he might not think it should hurt, but it does. Tell him you really don't beleive he is doing it to hurt you, but it does.
Just to be give you a heads up. While a woamn in this situation feels like the guy is just using her as a warm orifice. The guy feels like the woman is using sex a a tool to either punish or reward with...or to get what she wants with (actions, things..money). HE feels if she loved me, she would WANT to be with me.
It's funny but a guy in this situation is often wondering why women like to say sex is for LOVE and that men think it is just for LUST, because from this point of view he feells HE is the one associating SEX with LOVE and that SHE is simply using it like a Comodity, a reward/punishment system, certainly not love.
Not saying that is real but if you take the time to look, there is often quite a bit of APPARENT reality there.
In the end as with most things...communication is the key to getting it worked out. It really helps when both can admit they were not being thier best AND not blaming their actions on the other person.
Don't argue about who started this downward circle. Wether it was he pulling away from your emotinoal need or you pulling away from his needs (sex can be quite emotional as you know so don't pass it off as JUST his physical needs - God gave us hands for that)
Wow, just re-read my post from last night and it looks like I'm putting all of this on you. Sorry, wasn't meant to be that, just trying to help you see "the other side".
I totally agree that he should want to work on meeting your emotional needs - just think it should be because he loves you, not
to barter for some @ss. Likewise I think you should want to try work on meeting his needs because you love him, not because he somehow bartered for it.
Maybe the approach is - I know we are both not completely happy with where we are at in the marriage. while it is unlikely any marriage will ever be perfect I think we can make ours better if we want. I would like to know some things you would like me to do to make you feel more loved and respected.
Of course think about your own list as well. Start small, pick out just a few of the things you think would help most. Present them in a positive manner. Like I used to love when you (or we) did this, it really made me feel ... I would love for that to happen again.
Is a lot easier to accept and hear than "Ya know you used to love me and do this, ya never do it anymore ya thoughtless jack@$$" LOL
Remember he has not been having these conversations with others (that we know of) and while that gives you major kudos in the wanting to work on your marriage department it also gives you a bit of an advantage on a decent way to do it. Just saying, you may need to coach him a bit on the nicer ways to say things so it is less confrontational and easier to hear.
i have struggled with this issue for several years and i cannot figure it out. i have been fairly patient and have tried numerous approaches with my wife. while some things provide short term improvement, it ultimately goes back to "normal." with that comes a deeper resentment and my give a **** gets broken more and more
it has become my opinion that my wife (and maybe alot of women) are looking for a fairy tale marriage, they are raised to believe that "someday my prince will come", they may also be conditioned by someone in their youngers lives that sex is actually a reward and to not give in to your husband unless you are getting what you want.
i am not applying this as a blanket statement to the female gender, i have seen many instances where the behavior of a man would certainly make a woman shudder and not want to be intimate and i understand that. in those cases the problems are obvious and that man likely knows he isnt behaving appropriately.
if a woman isnt somewhat happy that her husband still strongly desires her and longs to be with her and only her in an intimate way, i find that curious.
Thanks Onemarriedguy, seeing and understanding 'the other side' is one thing I really need to do right now.
We have had those conversations in the past and things change for a little while but then go right back to the way they were. So, then I have to ask myself how many times do we keep attempting to get back on track just to fail again? I am sooo tired of having the same fights over and over again. I want my marriage to work, but I'm wore out.
Remember he has not been having these conversations with others (that we know of) and while that gives you major kudos in the wanting to work on your marriage department it also gives you a bit of an advantage on a decent way to do it. Just saying, you may need to coach him a bit on the nicer ways to say things so it is less confrontational and easier to hear.
Most definitely, he has not been having these conversations with others. If he did, I think I'd fall off my chair. For him to take the initiative and actually seek out answers and ideas on his own would really make a difference to me in the way I feel he sees the marriage.
it has become my opinion that my wife (and maybe alot of women) are looking for a fairy tale marriage, they are raised to believe that "someday my prince will come", they may also be conditioned by someone in their youngers lives that sex is actually a reward and to not give in to your husband unless you are getting what you want.
Maybe some women do have an unrealistic expectation of marriage. And though I know that some women really do use sex as a weapon, I have found that I really just cannot bring myself to engage in sex with a man who says he loves me but makes me feel alone emotionally. Now on the other side of that, my H and I were watching TV together one night and there was a thing on one of the channels that sell stuff and they were advertising a computer. I made the comment 'Wow, that's a cool computer, I wouldn't mind having that' and he said 'What's it worth to ya?' - What does THAT say??
Question for men 
