my wife wants her ex back - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-18-2008, 07:27 PM Thread Starter
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my wife wants her ex back

Ok..long story..I,m 51 yrs and my wife is 41yrs. We both were married to other people. Her ex cheated on her causing a strain on there relationship. We meet thur mutual friends and started seeing each other. I was in the process of an divorce as well. WE hit it wonderfully and moved in with each other. I was her soulmate..The most fantastic women I had ever known..My heart craves for her. About a year into our relationship she told me , with some proding from me that in her heart she might still love her ex. SHOCKED! She said she needed to move away from me and see if their was anything still there with her wx. I sobbed, called her alot, and sent her emails asking her to come back. She said she was back with her ex and she wasnt coming home..told me to go on with my life. After about 5 weeks she called and ask to come home because she realized she didnt love him anymore. She said she had to find out so our relationship could move forward...I was thrilled. Oh and she has three children 19, 17, and 10 that I get along with great.

We married 6 months later and have been so happy. She is the best woman in the world. WE did everything together.

She changed jobs about 9 months ago and hates it. So much pressure there. She works about 11-12 hours a day and doesnt normally get home to 8-9m each day. So I have going to get the boys at school ( we kept them in their school about (30mins away). I would bring them home cooked dinner, help with homework, bed, did laundry ect everyday my wife worked. It was a GREAT relationship. I must mention my wife is an very strong and indepanant person. Also her ex had remmaried a tattoed, motorcycle woman that her kids hated. They have since divorced themselves. The dad hardly sees the boys and went 6 months without even a phone call. He recently stared to see them again, not often tho.

About 3 weeks ago I noticed a change in my wife..she got very quite and was different. When I asked what was wrong she would say "nothing". About a week ago I finally forced her to tell me she didnt love me anymore and didnt want to be married to me. WHAT? we had as close to a perfect marriage as could be. The next day she sent me a text msg saying she was going back to her ex. By the way..he is having money problems and losing his house to the bank. She also told me last week " whenever you are nice to me, and do things around the house I resnt you and feel more empty them normal". I, shocked...She wont call me...I,ve heard she is with friends and getting an apartment next month. All I ever did was treat her the best I could...did things to help her be more relaxed at home ect. I know she is stressed about the job...I think maybe she thinks if she went back to her ex she could reclaim her other life where she wasnt so stressed and saw her kids more often.. I have heard from friends where she is staying that her ex comes over once inawhile but doesnt stay long. He is not having any contact with his kids when he is there either. My friend said that thte other not my wife hugged him and he kept his hands in his pocket and only hugged her when she asked him to.

I need advise...What happened...I cant eat or sleep..I just want my wonderful wife home
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-18-2008, 08:56 PM
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Re: my wife wants her ex back

Well your wife has a lot of baggage and wants her bad boy but the stability of you from the sounds of it. It would also appear that since she is who she is that she will break your heart over and over again. She isn't perfect and neither is your marriage. Instead of being thankful for what you do, she resents that she can't or doesn't do the things herself.

Although you might be the best man for her children in the end they are not your and she can easily keep them from you.

One issue you have is being to clingy from the sounds of it.

Best advise, let her go. She needs or wants her freedom, she is always hurting you, and blames you so she carries no guilt of any of it.

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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-19-2008, 12:34 AM
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Re: my wife wants her ex back

with drac.

Sounds like you and her ex are opposites, You are the nice guy, all together, very nice, not a train wreck.

He is the wild boy, train wreck, the "fun loose cannon type".

I think she needs counseling first of all. But I also think you need to be a bit "looser, wilder" for her. She may feel you are too good for her and that is why she resents you.

She will be back in due time, seems her ex is being decent and not trying to take advantage of the situation, maybe you need to talk to him and see what is going on.

Sounds like she needs professional help.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-19-2008, 11:53 AM
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Re: my wife wants her ex back


I hate to cite an old adage but “Fool me once, shame on you…… I agree that she my be vacillating between two different personality types here. Since she told you the last time she was not coming home and did anyway this behavior is not likely to change and you will be hurt over and over again. Since the X isn’t putting any effort into seeing her or the kids she may come back again but I think by taking her back you’ll just be setting yourself up for more hurt. I hate to say it but I think you’d be better off moving on. Best of luck.


Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-19-2008, 12:06 PM
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Re: my wife wants her ex back

I have to say: There is no "was" to soul mates. You either are or are not, and that's forever. "Soul mates" is a phrase that is thrown about alot these days, and it demeans the term.
I'm afraid that I think you were actually her "rebound" guy. That she has alot of extra baggage as was said before is true. That she wanted to come back after she left I think means that her ex was not treating her as the "diva" she seems to be and that you do. She sounds a right user to me. I think you should find a woman that appreciates your loving ways and can return the favour.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-19-2008, 12:49 PM
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Re: my wife wants her ex back

Originally Posted by mik001 View Post
Do you think my wife has so convinced herself that she doesnt love me is so this will make it easier for her to do this? I guess yesterday her ex was with her most of the day and she seemed happy. She emailed me and asked if she could come over on Wednesday to go over bills with me so I could get those things in order. What do I say to her? Do I plead my case or just wish her luck doing this if it makes her happy. I just want this pain to go away. I want my wife and her children back home with me.
You can't make that choice for your wife. If she wants out let her go. Settle what you have to and move on. In the end you might still care for her but you alone can't make the marriage work.

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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-19-2008, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: my wife wants her ex back

Thanks for all your input. I,m going to post an email I made to my wife. I would appreciate any feedback from all of you if I should send it or not...Thank you

I know that you don't want to be contacted about our relationship and I have tried to respect those wishes even though its so hard and emotional to do. I,m confused and hurt by whats going on and I need some answers to see what happened. The last few days I have read everything I can find on the Internet about similar situations that other people have experienced, and I went to see a marriage counselor to get their advice. In all the reading about relationship's and the talking I did to the counselor I think I might have found my next career .
We meet under some rather unusual circumstances for sure. But from the first evening I met you I knew that you were a special person. I could see it in your eyes and the way you spoke to me that you were like no one I had met before (gushy, yea I know). We went thur some very tough times in the beginning with first your divorce and me not getting mine done very quickly, I apologize again for the misery I put you through back then. There came a point in our relationship when you were having seconds thoughts on what we had done. I remember to clearly the night you told me that you had to go back to Kevin to see if you acted to quickly when you left him. You said there was something in your heart that you had to see him again to see if it was a possibility of you getting back to together. I went totally nuts, crying, sobbing and asking you not to go. You said you needed to find out before our
relationship could grow. Did I like it? No, but I realized you were right. I know you tried to make your relationship work with him but you told me it could never be like it was and that he had pushed you away. People change, circumstances change ect. I also remember that when you were trying to put that relationship back together that he was driving around Keego trying to find were Beth was while I was home crying my eyes out and praying you would come back home to me. The day that you and the boys came home was one of the most happiest days I can remember. My baby was back with me!!!
We went on to get married, bought our home, and started our lives together. We have had many happy memories of all the things we have done the past few years including going up north canoeing, Disney world, shooting Nerf guns at Ian, water ballon fights, or just hanging out at home with everyone. I cherish those things so much. We had many plans for our future...some being selfish on my part.. I mean talking about retirement and moving either up north or to a warm place where we could enjoy ourselves. But the selfish part of me got in the way I see now. The boys, Tyler, Shane, and Brett would probably still be in this area working, school ect. I failed to realize that Ian would still be rather young and if we left it would be so incredibly unfair to him as well as the other boys. In being alone here I started to think more clearly. I never wanted to separate you from the boys and that would be exactly what I would be doing. When you are sitting in an
empty house you seem to
have a clearer thought process.

. In sitting here I also remember a comment you made a few months ago. I don't recall what the conversation was about but you said something like " Well, I guess Brett is just perfect". He is far from it. He certainly has his faults just like any other kid. Do you think I have been to hard on the boys? Shane inpraticular? I honestly just want what is the best for the boys, including Brett so they can reach their full potential. The boys are nice young men, I wouldn't trade them for anything. So I don't know if the pressures from work, the long hours, the stress, or not being able to spend more time with the boys or something else is causing all this.

I have only tried to help you because that's what loving spouses and families do for each other. I will do anything to make us all happy.
I know that deep in your heart that you love me!. I see you everyday and I can feel the love you give me. Do you think that by getting away from our home and rekindling a relationship with Kevin will take you back to the point in your life where things were less stressful and you were able to spend more time with the boys?.
You tried to do this before and it didn't work out with the two of you. I don't know if your head is swirling with so much that you think things will be different this time. You wanted to reconcile before but he didn't have his heart in it .Well, I have my heart in it...

I would just like you to relax your mind and think that its a possibility that some of what I,ve said is true. I would rather have you quit that damn job and stay home with our family so you can feel like you are whole again.

I know I constantly say how much I love you and how beautiful I think you are...I MEAN IT!!!!!Have I said those things to much? I guess I probably have. But I have such strong feelings for you and the boys. Here's something you probably will think sounds stupid...I honestly think each day when I get up what can I do to show you how deeply in love I am with you. Maybe I go overboard in some aspects and things look or seem silly to you, I don't know. This whole thing is so confusing to me. I have always tried to be the best husband possible to you. I have NEVER been unfaithful to you nor would I. I love being with you to the point that I now realize you must feel suffocated. In those remarks you made about " do we always have to be joined at the hip". About when Jimmy talked about maybe wanting to go golfing or to a baseball game..and I suggested we all go. I realize now why you had the reaction you did.that includes going with Claude to
Chicago....suffocation. I always
thought things were fun doing them as a
but now thinking more clearly I know you and others need "your time". I guess in retrospect I need my time as well. But, I wouldn't ever go to a bar and hangout...I know I should be home with the boys...I made that commitment to our family when we got together. And I,m sorry if you think I put you on a pedestal. When we did go out with people I was always anxious to have them meet you and see what kind of a wonderful person you are. I,m proud that you are my wife.
I just know that no woman has ever made me feel like I do towards you. My heart is filled for love for you. I would never purposely do anything that causes you to feel trapped or uncomfortable. I just want you to feel like the special person you are to me. I just love spending time with you, I,m guilty of that.

I don't know how long you and Kevin have been discussing all this stuff..I don't even care. Again the hardest part of this is not having you and the boys in my life. I know you need time to think clearly...its hard for both of us. I just sit home and pray that your mind eases and you can think about what we have and the future we could have. Like I said..time away from you hurts so bad. I cant eat or sleep. I walked around the house and with every turn I see and remember things about our family when you guys were all here and the tears start flowing. Brett was over and he said it just wasn't the same without you and how he refers to the boys as " his brothers". I have tried to get out of the house and go walking but I remember when you and I and Ian went for walks and I cant do it. I was sitting on the porch last night and looked across the street and saw where we use to fish. My god this hurts Mary. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my
chest. Just
when I think I have no tears left in my body they come again. I truly love you with all my
heart. Please just take some time with a clear mind and think about these things. I will do anything to help you.

I hope being away from the situation here makes you able to see how much all of us love and care for you. So, if sometime in the future if you find that things aren't like you wanted them please pick up the phone and call me. I will be always there for you if you are troubled. I would never say " I told you so ". I would never do that to you. Can I trust you again? With time and alot of hard work on my part the answer would be " yes, I could ".

I love you mare, now and always

Mike (dork - I guess big dork)
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