Problems with her past - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-05-2008, 09:40 AM Thread Starter
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Problems with her past

This is my first time on this website and was looking to get some advice or opinions on a problem which I believe is for me to mentally sort out. I have been with my wife for 6 years and married for 2.

I do adore and love my wife. My problem has come from her past which she has no problem divulging to me about. She started to have sex, at what I felt was quite young (14 years old) and that wasn't really a problem for me. She then seemed to have regular sexual partners till she was into her mid to late twenties (till she met me) including numerous one night stands.

We met and lived in a foriegn country and have for 6 years lived away from her home town, we have now moved back to her home town to live for good, and I find my moods and mental state constantly dampened by being here cause it reminds me of her sexual life before me. In our arguments over the subject she would explain to me that she had sex friends and that she would meet up with them after a night out or mid week along with a few one night stands along the way.

I think that things have been made worse, as I know she used to make a big effort to look good before going out to meet her sex friends, up to twice a week, but we fail to have sex more than 2-3 times a month, (and its kind of reluctantly) and she never makes the same effort for me, that I know she used to make for her friends, who she said emotionally meant nothing to her, that they were just company. I know women have needs. I just feel they should have at least been boyfriends whom she would actually assosiate with other than to just have sex.

She was married before me and again that is not a problem for me as would have been any other boyfriend, as at least I think that she would be having sex on an emotional level and not purely as a physical act, which sometimes makes me feel sex between us cheapened. Being a lad who is heavaly in involved in macho team sports I know how the boys would have talked about girls who they could call up as there banker on a saturday night, and she doesn't seem to think they would have done that.

I know that most of you will probably say just sort yourself out , and I married her knowing all this. I did feel that i did have a hold on it, but it has since come crashing down, since being back in her home town, and she kinda makes a bit of a joke about it, thinking that i should stop being so silly but I find myself distinting myself from her as I cant seem to get this out of my head.

I don't have any trust or jealousy issues with her I trust her 100% but this is messing me up, anyway I have gone on way too much, please be kind when replying and thanks for reading

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-05-2008, 09:48 AM
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Re: Problems with her past

Steveb ~ Welcome to the forums.

1) Think of it this way as much as she did it there were guys that did the exact same thing and it is socially acceptable for them to do it, the problem is roles have changed in the world and women have come in as equals on there own. You need to role with the punches too.

2) How were you sexually growing up?

3) Her past is hers alone, not yours. How would you feel if she bashed you for doing boyish things, cars, sports etc....

My suggestion is to put away the hurt feelings and move forward. Dwelling on her past before you is unfair to her and will only be negative on your relationship.


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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-10-2008, 01:38 PM
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Re: Problems with her past

You shouldn't dwell on her will eat you up and cause jealousy. I went through that when me and my wife first started dating. I wish I never asked the question. Then every time she is around those guys, especially in her home town, I think about it. Got to learn to get rid of them thoughts.

Be honest with yourself....if you weren't jealous then this wouldn't be an issue...IMHO
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-10-2008, 01:51 PM
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Re: Problems with her past

I have a very close friend from childhood that also became sexually active at 14 and had several partners in her teens/twenties. She was sexually abused by a family member when she was 11-13. Not to say this is the case with your wife, but there may be reasons she sought out sex without emotional attachment when she was younger. I think the same can happen for girls going through their teen years without a father figure in their life...some will seek male attention that way.

I don't want to make any assumptions about your situation, but sometimes knowing the reasons behind one's actions cause us to look at situations in an entirely different way. For example, it may have been a wild past, but my friend has anything but cheapened sex with her husband. They love each other very much and she deserves that
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-10-2008, 02:45 PM
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Re: Problems with her past

You lay out what the problem is, but you're not telling us what the problem is.

I hope that doesn't make sense.

Can you please try to think hard and honestly (even if it smarts) to outline what the root of your concern is? You can't 'get over yourself' if you can't clearly perceive what you are trying to get over.
Your wife sounds like a confident, positive person with a pretty darn good sense of herself that she is comfortable being completely open and honest with you regarding her sexual history. If she were a guy, that kind of behavior is generally admired, being a woman and subject to our wonderful double standards, admirable is probably not the word others would use. Is that what it boils down to for you?
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-11-2008, 07:33 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you all for your responce's, to answer a few things I honestly dont think it is jelousy thing I really dont have any trust issues with her or her talking to other men or her going out by herself.

I dont think there was abuse in the family I know there was a lot of heart ache over the father having an affair at that age, so that would be a possability.

I know that I probably didn't make myself totally clear I just feel that she should have had more respect for herself than to let herself get used, I know its the 21st century but to quote one of you it does "eat me up" to think of it and I cant get away from the thoughts and probably over the top thoughts at that. As I find I am distancing myself from her, and I know that this is not her problem as she was only being honest and truthful about her past, but at the moment I cant escape it. I am trying my hardest to work myself through it and at times I feel I come to terms with it only to be down about it half an hour later.

I had my fair share of flings but nowhere near to what she experienced and I know people will be going "whats good for the goose is good for the gander"

I dont know how to stop it, and I thank you for your reply's anymore advice would always be welcome.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-11-2008, 10:45 AM
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Re: Problems with her past


I understand what you are going through. I think the problem stems from the fact that she is so brutally honest with you about her past. I also think you are a little a glutton for punishment if you are asking her specific details about her sex life prior to your marriage. I assume she is faithful to you now. I am pretty familiar with my wife's sex life prior to me but I know that too much detail will upset me. Conversely I do not tell her too much about my prior experiences and I think she appreciates that. We only really know how many partners and some of their names. I dont want to know where when how often or especially how good. I can only hope that she married me because I was the best of all of her choices. So what really matters is why has something changed? What really matters is the here and now.

Concerning your lack of sexual activity with her is another issue. If it is reluctant then there is something wrong. Rather than talking about the past it might help if you talked about the present. Ask her about her fantasies. What turns her on? Is there something you can change about your attitude, dress, and even physical appearance (I mean exercise not surgery of course)? Is there no longer that spontaneity that there once was? Is the daily routine of life too monotonous? Sometimes surprising her with things like flowers, champagne and a romantic comedy will help heighten the mood.
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