attracted to wife's friend

buck200 · 06-10-2010, 07:46 AM

This might be a long message so bear with me.

Firstly I am 40 years old, 11 years of marriage with a beautiful 5 year old who I love dearly.
Recently a friend of my wife's has been spending some time with us. She is very sexy and very sexual. She is married with a daughter and her husband is away working for long periods. She was always playing with my wife (grabbing boobs and flashing) which I thought was a little weird but didn't think much of it. My wife tells me it doesn't do much for her. Recently she has been getting more flirty with me. One weekend she flashed me a couple of times (with my wife present) and we hugged a few times. The hugs seemed like more that just friendly hugs to me (there were some hmmm sounds coming from her). It was the weekend of my 11th wedding anniversary and I became very depressed to the point that I had to go to the doctors with stomach complaints (apparently I was tightening my stomach). I find myself thinking about this woman all the time. I get butterflies in my stomach when I know I'm going to see her. My wife is my best friend but I'm not very attracted to her (I'm not even sure I love her).
What should I do? Is this some infatuation that will pass? Is it just a mid-life crisis? I never had these feelings for my wife. Maybe I need more excitement in my life. My work is starting to suffer because I cant concentrate on anything. I becoming obsessed.

Please help.

turnera · 06-10-2010, 12:36 PM

Tell your wife. TODAY.

turnera · 06-10-2010, 12:39 PM

You're going through what's called an affair fog. The instant you start thinking of another person as a potential match, you denigrate your own marriage: it was never good, we're really just friends, there was never a spark.

DO NOT LISTEN to yourself right now regarding your marriage. Your subconscious is lying to you, to justify lusting for this woman.

Read some other threads about how badly their lives were messed up because they went down that road.

And finally, FIX YOUR MARRIAGE!

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out two copies of the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Ask your wife to fill them out with you. LEARN about her; get to know her all over again. If you stop your LBs and meet her ENs, I guarantee, she will reciprocate and you'll end up with the most affectionate, lustful wife you ever imagined.

Damselfish · 06-10-2010, 04:35 PM

I went thru this with a neighbor. (DH had/has no idea). The flirting and butterflies got me all worked up to obsession; I could actually visualize myself leaving for this guy (nothing ever happened beyond flirting). I thought hard about it and realized that if I could allow myself to feel these things, there was definitely something wrong with my marriage (which up to this point I could never fathom and uncovered a whole slew of "stuff"). Basically, it was a HUGE red flag to me. Nothing ever happened with neighbor, and I made a decision to work really hard on my marriage so I wouldn't HAVE to feel like that with someone else other than DH of 10 years. I remembered WHY I married my husband in the first place...(i.e. butterfly stage)...I didn't take my vows lightly!!!

I'm much happier in my marriage as a result. I still see neighbor, but the flirting has ceased. Not worth it IMHO

Good luck, Buck. Hope you can get through the "fog."

DawnD · 06-10-2010, 04:48 PM

You are going to have to stop for a second and think about everything I think.

The butterflies are in your stomach because you don't know this woman. Your wife told you her stunts don't do anything for her, so you know that much. What you don't know is if it does anything for her best friend. That's what excites you about her. Not knowing.

Lets talk about what we do know. We know that her H is gone off to work and she is out flashing other men and flirting. Does that sound like someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?? God help you if you go out of town on business for the weekend. Everyone you know will have seen her breasts for sure, and we don't know how much more.......

Talk to your wife and explain that you are feeling like some of the excitement in your marriage is gone. Work on that. Work on building you two back up.

Therealbrighteyes · 06-10-2010, 05:43 PM

I agree with Dawn. This woman is MARRIED. You are MARRIED. She is coming on to you and flashing her breasts. That is not the kind of person worthy of getting butterflies for. Sexy and sexual? To me it sounds more like trashy.
You said that you never had butterfly feelings for your wife and aren't attracted to her. May I ask why you married her? Did something change to make you feel this way now?

Kobo · 06-10-2010, 07:01 PM

"It's a Trap"

buck200 · 06-10-2010, 07:44 PM

Brennan, let me answer your questions. I was (still am to some extent) a shy, awkward guy. I was too nervous to even talk to girls, let alone date. I have low self esteem so I used prostitutes in my late teens because I was sure no girl would ever want to be with me. I met my wife through the computer (no need to talk that way). She instantly wanted to spend every day with me which initially made me very uncomfortable but I got used to it and liked having a constant companion. When my visa was about to expire I had to decide if I wanted to go home alone or spend the rest of my life with this woman. I picked the later and have not regretted it. I never had a girlfriend before my wife. She is my best friend but I've never felt this degree of excitement (butterflies) before.

Other points. She is NOT trashy. Please don't talk like that about someone you don't know. She is fun loving and uninhibited, I think she thinks it's fun to flirt. She loves her family and I'm sure doesn't want to leave her husband. She has also been a very good friend to both of us.

My plan is just to stay out of her way for a while. She will be leaving the country for 2 months soon and returning with her husband. So I think things will calm down. Ideally I would be able to enjoy the flirting without getting emotionally involved (though obviously I'm having trouble with that). I don't want to cause a big scene with this and risk us losing a good friend.

DawnD · 06-10-2010, 08:46 PM

Fun loving?? So a married woman who flashes her breasts at other men whileher husband is out of the country is called "fun loving"? You can disagree all you want but flashing and flirting with you best friends husband is indeed trashy. Which is why she isnt doing it in front of her husband. She waits for him to be gone and then becomes uninhibited.
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OneMarriedGuy · 06-10-2010, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kobo

"It's a Trap"

Listen to Admiral Ackbar, wise he is.

Oh and TRASHY IS TRASHY even if is done by an apparently well bred, very sweet person. Not saying SHE is TRASHY just that her actions are. While we may not know her, we are assuming you are speaking the truth concerning her actions.

buck200 · 06-10-2010, 09:34 PM

No Dawn you are wrong and quite insulting. She does this openly including in front of her husband. You don't know the people involved and, therefore, you are ignorant.

buck200 · 06-10-2010, 09:37 PM

I didn't come to this site to have a good person insulted!

DawnD · 06-10-2010, 09:40 PM

So you wont have any issues telling her husband what you are feeling about her ??

And no, I'm not ignorant I'm just not blind to what seems to be happening. You are so defensive because you are emotionally involved with a woman other than your wife.
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buck200 · 06-10-2010, 09:47 PM

My feelings about her have nothing to do with whether she is trashy or not. I have no problem telling him that she flashed me (he probably knows already). You are making judgments about a person that that you don't know (except from what I've told you). Therefore you are in fact ignorant.

I really don't see how you bad mouthing this woman is helping me with this problem.

DawnD · 06-10-2010, 09:54 PM

You have already had 6 people tell you what to do. It just isnt what you want to hear. That is ignorance my friend.