Wife won't work. Wants more. Confused.
I will make this as brief as possible, but some of this backround info is necessary.
This is my second marriage. I am 3 months into it. I have two children from a previous marriage that I am more than capable of taking care of by myself (this is important to note). Prior to being married, I had lived with my current wife for about a year and a half, had a big breakup, she moved away, we 'patched' things and ended up getting married a few months later. I'm not sure that was the best move, especially because none of the issues that caused problems originally were fully addressed. I know, I am very much equally to blame for rushing into things. I just didn't see it that way at the time. Hindsight, right?
Anyway, I have been working, professionally, since I was 16. I am 30 now and have a nice income, although nothing over the top. I worked VERY hard for it and I value and am grateful for every cent I make. Still paying a little bit of CS, but I'm pulling my weight with what I have left. When my wife (before we were married) first came to live with me, it originally was supposed to be just a friendship thing because she was coming out of a bad relationship. Kind of a "You can stay with me for awhile to get back on your feet" thing. (I also should mention her home town is 1000 miles away) Things progressed into a relationship quickly, but I couldn't get her to work. I ended up filing for bankruptcy due to fallbacks from my previous divorce, but still could not get her to work. I don't want to say it's her fault, but I'm not 100% positive I would have had to file for bankruptcy if she brought in enough money to help out. I keep the place clean and never ask her to watch my kids, so it's not like she is stuck with my responsibilities or stuck cleaning up after me. She pretty much has a clean slate. She has no kids, no responsibilities. She doesn't flat out say "I won't work" but it is one of those subjects that I cannot bring up, no matter how nicely. It was my job to look for jobs for her, my job to send out her resumes after my work or during my lunch hour. Anyway, we ended up breaking things off, lots of it due to her not working and demanding (expecting maybe is a better word) expensive things. She has expensive food taste, NEEDS cable tv movie channels, constanstly expects me to buy her things, things like that. What really sealed the coffin is when I asked her not to buy me a birthday present with my own money because I'd feel better with nothing. I didn't say it mean or even spiteful. She became very angry. Lots of yelling at me, constantly. (to this day, she has a very short fuse and ends up yelling at me at least 4 times a week, sometimes screaming) I'm pretty passive so I didn't really yell back, and I still don't. I just speak calmly and try to reason as best I can. Fast forward to today… We've been married for 3 months. She finally got a job last week, but it is an "on call" position and she only works maybe 5-10 hours per week at min wage. She even said things like "great, this way I can look for another job while I'm doing this!" Which now I think she only said that to appease me. It is also important to note that I applied for this job FOR her online during my lunch hour. Before we were married, I made it clear that I wasn't looking to support someone. While I realize she may not end up making what I make, I do expect her to contribute. I also don't expect her to do what I did, but when I lost my job a few years ago, my job 9-5 was to send out resumes and interviews. 100s even. She hasn't sent out 2 in the last 2 months. If I bring it up, I am positive she will start yelling. However, here I am again sending them out for her and trying to find her something. Am I being taken advantage of? She expects me to pay for her flights to visit her family, pay for trips, EXPENSIVE food, and everything else, constantly wants more, and constantly complains about things we don't have because I cant afford it. (better cell phones, cable, better car…yes, she even has a car to use during the day) I am pretty sure Im being walked on(wouldn’t be the first time and its sometimes hard for me to tell…and put my foot down) and I've confronted her about it many times, calmly. Immediately she gets defensive and starts yelling/putting me down. I am now on depression medication because of my fear of coming home and my loss of interest in things I used to enjoy. I almost hate walking in the door because I know what I am in for that evening. I hate to consider the "D" word again, but I don't know what else to do and I don't see her changing. I know…I probably shouldn't have gone through with it, but she promised to help. God… if I asked her to pay half or even 1/3 of expenses (utilities, rent, etc…) not only would she flip out, she wouldn't be able to anyway (or willing to find the means to be able to). I know she is upset about not being able to get the manicures and pedicures and wants more money and makes me feel bad because I have no more to give her. Yes, she does keep the house clean, but so do I so it's not like there is much to do. I was just hoping to not be a "dad" to her and totally support someone in this. Yes, there are other ways to support someone other than financially, but there really isn't much to do. I take care of kids, house is almost always clean, etc... Thoughts?
One other thing to add. I really can't get her to make friends here. She views our time in this area as temporary, even though we both know it isn't. I do have friends here and I try at every opprotunity to help her make new ones. Sometimes she flat out refuses. I know it's not easy for someone to live in an area without friends, and I simpathize and try to help as much as possible. But it's different when you flat out refuse. I should note, she has lived here with me for a good solid 2 years. (including pre-marriage time). It will probably be another two before we can get out. I know this sounds biased, but it's really not. I am really trying to to my best in helping her get a job, make friends. I talk to her calmly, never yell… but man, there is only so much I can take. If I bring up her working, I usually get "Do I look like im comfortable like this? I cant get manicures, I cant afford to buy expensive clothing, I cant afford anything, im miserable". And to be honest, she doesn't spend a whole lot on herself. But $100 restaruant bills KILL me, but she needs it. If we were both working, I can see stuff like that.
I tried to be as unbiased as possible explaining the situation because I value answers based on truth rather than my perception
Last edited by jsmith2; 07-29-2010 at 03:11 PM.