text message between husband and "friend" - Talk About Marriage

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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-29-2008, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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text message between husband and "friend"

hi gentlemen,
I really needs some guys advice.
I stumbled upon our old phone bills and noticed my husband and some girl he used to work with have been texting each other. I also see that they have spoken on the phone a few times as well. This is done when he is at work during the night, not when he is at home with me. Of course, he says I'm insecure and jealous and I have nothing to worry about because they are just friends and its not like they text or talk everyday. All the texts have been deleted and not once was this girl even mentioned to me. I felt up to this point in our marriage that we had a strong thing going, but I feel so nieve. I know he can have female friends, but why do I feel like this has been kept on a down low? she is the main number he texts to, what about all his other "friends". It makes me sick to my stomach. Am I being irrational about all this? I really need some advice, b/c right now I can barely look him in the eye. Also, I'm not thinking that this is a physical thing b/c she is out of state now, but having something emotionally involved is just as bad. please help.

desperate for some insight,

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-30-2008, 01:49 AM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

let him know that it bothers you so much, and from what you see it points to an emotional affair or the very least takes away from the marriage.

On the outer level, we live in a new techno-world and he is going to communicate with people in all kinds of ways and it might just be friendly. My wife talks with guys on WOW all the time but it doesn't bother me, because I trust her and she never showed a reason not to trust her.

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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-30-2008, 02:45 AM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

Maybe he's right and just finds her fun to talk to on a friendship level. I personally don't tell my wife about my female friends that I talk to from time to time and really don't think that much about it. On the other hand if she asks me about someone I tell her who it is and why I like talking to her. Since you have a strong marriage I would definately ask him why he likes to talk to her so much but try to do it in a way that doesn't put him in defensive mode. Don't back him in a corner if you don't think anything is happening but communicate with him that you're stressed over the situation and would just like more of the story.
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-30-2008, 07:05 AM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

It seems everyone is responding to this thread here, so I'll do the same....

Do you trust your husband? Has he given you any reason not to trust him? Has he been acting any differently towards you since he has been in contact with this lady? Chances are this is completely innocent. I do find it a little odd that he hasn't even mentioned her though. I'm also wondering why her number is first in his directory. Is his directory arranged alphabetically?

Now, with my husband and his text messages, that's a completely different story. If you have read some of my post, you'll understand why I can't stand to see all the text messaging he does. He's always getting and sending messages. My husband has proven himself unfaithful. One time when my husband did put his phone down (really rare), I saw two text messages. Both of them were from ???????. In one message, she had arranged them a hotel room for the weekend. In the other she was confirming dinner plans. Boy, when I ask about those, they got erased in a hurry!

Hopefully you have nothing to worry about. Some guys can have female friends, and it can be completely innocent.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-30-2008, 04:44 PM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

I think it depends on the kind of guy your husband is. Does he have a lot of female friends? or just this one? My husband has told me on numerous occasions that men do not keep female friends that they haven't thought of sleeping with. (Meaning he isn't capable of being "friends" with women). I have a lot of male friends, and I am pretty certain that none of them want to sleep with me.

I think that you need to be really honest with him. Let him know that him having one on one discussions with this woman bothers you, and if she is simply just a friend, then he shouldn't mind limiting his connection with her.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-30-2008, 05:58 PM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

It sounds a bit off, I have to admit. It's easy to see how it could be completely nothing, but at the same time how it could be an emotional affair at least on some level. You do need to be a bit careful though, because she is an ex-coworker and he's talking to her from work, so it could honestly be advice/chat regarding the type of business they are in. If that's the case, don't let him call you insecure though, that's an insult. People feel how they feel, and it's up to our spouses to acknowledge our feelings and do what they can to assuage them, not basically call us a name and laugh it off.

Still it is possible he is getting something from chatting with this woman. On some emotional level she could providing him something he's not getting at home. I'd try and talk with him and find out what he might be missing from your relationship. Don't place it in terms of an accusing "what does she give you that I can't?" but just tell him that he can talk to you about anything and everything, that you are open to him asking anything from you and that you want to be the person he calls or texts to from late at night in the office, may be even hint that you'd find it exciting and fun. If it really is nothing, he won't come down on you for acting jealous but probably jump at your offer to spice things up a bit with some naughty chatting, nothing wrong with that at all!

But there are two things I'd ask him for if I were you. First, I'd ask him to tell you all about this woman just so that you can understand more who she is, what they worked on before, and why he is talking/texting her so much now. He needs to understand that as long as you are in the dark, as long as he is keeping a secretive friendship going with a strange woman (out of state or not,) it is emotionally affecting you. The second thing I'd ask is that if her friendship is important to him despite your worries, he should at least talk with her on the nights he is at home instead of at the office. It's a fair request because he is alleviating your emotional stress because you won't be inventing things they might be discussing. Even if he is only talking to her about work related stuff, still, ask him to come home to make the call there unless it is some super time sensitive critical question, at least until you gain a level of comfortability with all this.

If he balks at either of these ideas, I'd start to be a bit more worried. Regardless of what Harry told Sally, yes men can have platonic friendships with women, but they won't be defensive or try and keep them from their spouse if that's the case. Remind him that his duty is first and foremost to you. Tell him that you are OK if he has a friendship with a past co-worker, but for your happiness and peace of mind, he needs to keep it out in the open while you are around. Tell him you'll make up for it by sending him erotic text messages, it'll be fun.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-30-2008, 07:02 PM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

If she is just a friend then he may have kept it from you because he thought you would be upset or would overreact. For now I say he gets a pass however going forward if he lies to you about talking to her he's in big trouble. My wife told me that she was talking to a guy she met while away on business but not before she lied to me saying she was talking to her Mom and Sister. Even though she admitted it quickly she still lied about it which made it impossible for me to ever be ok with her talking to him again.

Don't be paranoid, that is no way to live trust me. Just be aware of any abnormal behavior from him like staying late at work more than usual or leaving the house at weird times. In my case it was obvious that my wife started being very secretive when talking on the phone and making excuses to sleep in the other room so that she could talk to him at all hours. I think it will be pretty obvious if he is doing anything wrong because from what I can tell, people who have affairs get addicted to them and aren't smart about hiding their behavior.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-02-2008, 12:34 PM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

I think it could be cause for suspicion, but not necessarily. However, I think there's usually kind of an unspoken boundary in marriages when it comes to friends of the opposite sex. Because he's married he should be completely open about his friendship with her and not get too close or secretive. That's just a matter of respect, IMO.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 07-02-2008, 12:58 PM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

Originally Posted by TheLuckiest08 View Post
...he's married he should be completely open about his friendship with her and not get too close or secretive. That's just a matter of respect, IMO.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 06:23 PM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

It looks like some flirtatious conversation did happen (at least). Otherwise why would he delete the texts? Or is he in IT? If she is his friend friend he should introduce her to you. Try to discuss it with him calmly.
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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2013, 07:48 AM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

In my mind, you are the only female he should be having private conversations with. If he wants to talk to other then you should know them and know everything that's going on. Nothing should be going on that requires things to be deleted. He (and others) can rationalize this all he wants but the bottom line is what he's doing erodes trust and damages the marriage.
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2013, 09:45 AM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

All the texts have been deleted and not once was this girl even mentioned to me.

This statement is what bothers me most. If he has nothing to hide, then there would be no problem sharing the texts with you. His behavior is what's making you uncomfortable with it; not hers.

If you have to hide, sneak, or lie to do it, then you KNOW you shouldn't be doing it to begin with.

Courage: is not having the strength to go on……..It is going on when you don’t have the strength
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2013, 09:54 AM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

Holy "Night of the Living Thread" Batman!
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2013, 11:31 AM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

In my personal opinion, anything that you have to HIDE from your wife/husband is cheating. Why wouldn't he tell her that he's been talking to an old friend? If it was JUST an old friend and NOTHING more he should have nothing to hide and wouldn't delete those texts(Trust me, i've been down that road)
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2013, 11:34 AM
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Re: text message between husband and "friend"

This thread is probably the oldest one I have ever seen dredged up!!!!

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