Make sure she eats the food first. If you're not used to peace and quiet or eating decent meals, the change probably would feel uncomfortable. Sounds like she took at least some of what you said seriously. Good for you!
I ve been doing more thinking about the details that I need to provide to get more help.. And here we go...
She thinks she made a very impulsive decision to marry me.. She has admitted that several times to me.. All along I always thought she was just joking or making fun.. I did not want to believe she really felt that. May be she actually did all these days.
Also, she has told me that she did not have much attention from her parents during childhood. Both of them were working and she got very little time to spend with them together.
She was at one point madly in love with me during the first few days of marriage may be (thats what she claims now) and when we had a couple of arguments (I dont remember them), she turned completely against me and has not changed her opinion about me since then.
I'm sure she doesn't believe she received enough attention as a child. She probably still doesn't believe she's getting enough attention. If you displayed her on Times Square, adorned with Christmas lights, that wouldn't be enough attention to suit her, either.
She was madly in love with you but after two arguments became your mortal enemy? I'm not sure what one calls that, but I'll bet it's a very long word and that mental asylums and prisons are full of them.
To add more content, I have also been accused of being manipulative. She would quote certain conversations happened months back and perceive a meaning to it and say that I meant what she actually believed I meant. At this stage there will be no scope for any kind of discussion. It is clear, I am wrong and I made that so called 'hurtful' remark!!!
Another key point to note is, she often competes with me! This is something that has confused me several times. I have seen severe competition between 2 guys or 2 girls. I am terribly confused why she would do that 'competition' thing with me. If I do something good, she would either not appreciate me or try to prove that I was wrong or try to do something to show that she can do it better!! I just dont understand this at all...
She was madly in love with you but after two arguments became your mortal enemy? I'm not sure what one calls that....
It's called "splitting," as I discussed above. A person with strong BPD traits can flip in ten seconds from adoring you to hating or devaluing you. Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that we used all day long as young children and continue to use occassionally as adults. BPDers draw on it far more frequently and intensely.
Originally Posted by Gladiator
Another key point to note is, she often competes with me! This is something that has confused me several times. ... If I do something good, she would either not appreciate me or try to prove that I was wrong or try to do something to show that she can do it better!! I just dont understand this at all...
A BPDer grows up feeling ashamed of herself, hating herself, and not really knowing who she is. She therefore does not have sufficient ego strength to admit doing things wrong or not knowing things. Consequently, it is typical of a BPDer to blame everything on you and refuse to accept responsibility for her own actions. In those instances when she does appear to apologize for something, do not be surprised if she takes it back the next week -- if not the next day. On top of that, she has a strong need to control your life due to her fear of abandonment. This likely is why she is very controlling, insists you are wrong, and blames you for every mishap. Moreover, as I explained above, she needs to perceive you as a "perpetrator" to support her mistaken notion that she is a perpetual victim. These distortions in how she views your motivations and intentions are the reason BPD is called a "thought disorder."
As Uptown stated, this woman simply screams BPD! The only real defense you have is to set very hard limits with her and be able to follow through.
What this basically means is when she begins acting irrational tell her that you will not continue the conversation and walk away. Then do it. Do not speak to her again until she can talk to you calmly.
If she gets upset and violent tell her you will leave and walk out the door and then leave for a few days (stay gone longer each time).
This will definitely make her go berserk and she will test your tolerance and strength to get you to break your resolve and give her back control, but if you can withstand this she will learn from it.
This works because the abandonment issues are so strong, and she will begin to see this as a consequence of her behaviour.
Again...I have to warn you she will do about anything to break your resolve. Screaming, verbal abuse, humiliation, destruction of your property, attempts of violence, etc. Unless you are determined to work through this behavior and establish these limits it will never change.
A couple of decent books are out there. I cannot remember the authors, but try searching for "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!" or "Stop Walking on Eggshells" as titles.
Gladiator, just like Midwestdave, your wife's relational techniques and thought patterns sound scarily similar to mine - except for the violence, which as you described, must be hell. In what I am about to write, I am in no way disagreeing with the other posters that your wife has major issues that you are not responsible for.
One thing that jumped out at me in your first paragraph was the two months you knew each other before you got married. I proposed to my wife after we'd been going out for six months, and have regretted 'jumping too soon' ever since. I thought she was ready, but noooo waaaay.
Anyway, my point is that the quickness of our engagement is at the source of a lot of her issues with me regarding trust, turning my words against me, the black-and-white approach to life, putting herself in competition against me, etc. Or, at least, she uses the quickness of our engagement as an excuse to act the way she does.
Your wife may well have felt trapped by the speed at which you got married, but her emotional immaturity prevented her from expressing this at the time. A black-and-white thinker will continue to exhibit all the communication signs that everything is "great, perfect, wonderful" until they either hit their anger threshold or get to a point where they feel in control then switch to "it's always been terrible but YOU wouldn't let me say". This switch point is often (especially for my wife) when an event such as the wedding happens that can't be taken back, then they can go over and over how terrible it all was and it was your fault that it was so bad - the point being that you can't do anything about it anymore, therefore rendering you powerless.
She is in a powerful position in regards to you and she knows it. She knows that she can 'blame' you for being married, and she is acting out of how terrible she thinks this is, to try to get you to take that blame. Don't. She also knows that if you leave because of her behaviour, you will be to blame because you will be the one leaving. She will likely then switch to being saying things like "well I was the righteous one who wanted the marriage to work", etc, etc - I think this is why she is placing you in such a good light to her family, so if you leave her, she can say to them that she only ever treated you well and said good things about you. As hard as it is, you must recognise these tactics for what they are.
She wants control, and will never stop until she deals with her underlying issues. At the moment, her method of gaining control includes violence. That is intolerable. Let her know that. Your safety is foremost.
I was surfing the net for the same reason Gladiator mention in the topic. For instant I thought it was me Gladiator and that's me who living this sh.. life. My add on the top in the misery that we have a kid
Well, the same story. She is often angry, always unhappy and never satisfied. One single word can trigger a war so she starts cussing, cursing, showing fingers, yelling, and all the circus... It is really a hell life.
Just repeating what Gladiator was saying. It looks like we are in the same boat. She is very jealous and feels extremely unsecured.
Let me resume so I go in the topic step by step. Last fight everything was perfect, she was extremely nice. I was talking with her on the phone and she didn't like something I said so she started like a crazy and request me to apologize. I did but it is not enough. I really didn't say anything that wrong.
She came back home, angry, red like a flame and start cussing. I told her: not in front of the kid. I was holding him. She said the F word for me and him and that she doesn't care. Start fighting, hitting, bad words... cussing me, my parents, the moment she met me... everything... I wasn't able to control myself so I tried to hold her hands back from me. She said: if you do that again, I will shoot you or kill you... Well, I tried to leave the house, she ran after me... I told her: let me go for some fresh air but she refused.... Control!!! It is all about control Gladiator... What she needs and expects? That you go down on your knees and tell her that is your fault and that you are really really sorry and that you will never do it again... Even if you didn't do nothing.. Hey look, don't do that!!! I already did this mistake... When the bill is due she will tell you that you always was mistaken (as you admit often) and that she never did any mistake... another slap to your face...
So, now, since Saturday we don't talk! we live in the same house, no eyes' contact, no words ... nothing... Believe me Gladiator it is the only week I live in peace
See, before, I could not watch TV, touch PC, write / read emails, couldn't cut the Grass (because it involves going outside, accidentally seeing a female(no matter what age)).... I thought that I am alone in this but here we are....
I don't know what to do next and I don't know what will happen next. All what I am thinking about is my son and how I'll make him a good life. How to save mine without affecting his? She will not respond to any advice. She is the perfect person in this land. She is the total knowledge and the source of smartness... You know what is funny? came to my mind now. She changed my name on her Cellphone to "a s s hole" it made me angry a little to see that but it shows the deep stupidity...
Digging back in her history, her father and mother are separated. They don't talk to each other long time ago. She used to live with her mom and her Father lives very far from them. Maybe that's why she counts me as an enemy because I am a man... Many times she mentions something like that.
Trust me Gladiator and everybody reading this post. Not all women are like that. I've seen in my life some really good wives and really it is a wise sentence: you can't make people happy. People decide to be happy or miserable.
I'll check back this forum and will keep you updated with my tragedy.
Where to get a professional help? The only help we used to get is from parents and what her parents always does is to be on her side 80% on on my side 20% only.
I am really starting to expect something to happen. Like divorce... All what I care about in all this is my son