soounhappy

I have been married for 13 years now to a woman that I had the biggest crush on in my pre-teen years. I moved away for 12 yrs and when I moved back we got together and married right away. I was so in love with her. She is beautiful, smart and a great mother. We have two girls and they are the joy of our life. Things have really changed for me over the years. With all the changes we go through with kids, money and life there seems to be a growing gap between us. In her eyes there is nothing wrong but in mine there is alot of things wrong. My family is out of the picture. There was a falling out with my wife and my mother and now they dont exsist to her. Im the only one who works and our sex life is so boring that I dont really like to do it. I do it so there are no problems. We dont have anything in common at all. This makes it really hard to have fun as a family. Im a outside kind of person and I dont mind getting dirty. Shes not any of that. She grew up in the city. Here is where I screwed up! About two years ago we had a big party at our house and another couple that we were friends with happened to be some of the few guest that stayed way into the wee hours of the night. I was always attracted to "Tammy" we'll call her, but kept it to myself. Everyone was pretty lit up and when her husban and my wife went into the house "Tammy" made a pass at me. I stoped it right there! and that was the end of it. About a week later I droped her kids off at her house, they were over playing with our girls, and when I was leaving her kids kept begging to go back home with me and I said " No, not tonight, but your mom can go"..I screwed up! We all laughed about it and that was it. The next day at 6 A.M. I get a call from Tammy and she says " saying stuff like that could really get you in trouble. If im going to say it I better be able to back it up!" So, a huge afair started and before you know it I was falling for her. She was so much of what I wanted in my life. She is So fun to be around and likes everything that I like. She and her Husban were having major problems, alot of what I was dealing with myself, and she like myself were looking for a better life. Her feelings for me also became very strong and we couldnt get enough of each other. finally, Texting would be what exposed the afair. Her husban found a text on her phone from me saying "LETS GO". So, Thats been two years ago and my wife and I have tried to get past this. We really have been through alot. Fight after fight after fight! She dosent trust me at all and I dont blame her! I have never cheated on her till now and I never had even thought of doing it. Im ashamed of what I did and if I could change things I would. But, I still think alot of Tammy. When I say alot I mean A LOT! She has since went through a Divorce and is alone now. I see her alot but she wants nothing to do with me. She says its best we dont talk. Shes right. I have to figure out what I have to do on my end. I cant even have a normal conversation with my wife without it turning into a fight. Im Almost forced to say " I love you" at the end of phone calls or text and she is always asking me if shes the only one for me. She has a big problem with me talking to any of our kids friends mothers. This makes me feel like Im a monster on the prowl and thats not the case at all. All of this is pushing me over the edge and I feel like im about to just run away. Now I think Im only here for my girls and thats it. I dont want to go to counceling. I think I just want out! I will always be there for my girls and if it were up to me they could move with me but that would be up to the courts I suppose. I dont know if I can live without them... What do I do???

Is there anyone who has been through something like this?
Please, Dont judge me for what I did. I wasnt alone in this. Im sure this is a common thing. Not that it's right. Im just saying i know it happens alot.

Thanks...