I personally know a woman who was morbidly obese. She is a sweetheart, but she simply wasn't attractive. SHE didn't feel attractive. Her husband still loved her dearly. Over the last 15 months she has lost over 150 lbs.
Deejo, wanted to ask you about this too actually. Does the woman find the excess skin sagging from her body attractive? I mean let's get real here. Kudos to the woman for the major weight loss but her body is hardly the epitome of a fashion model nor will it ever be unless she gets plastic surgery. Self acceptance is something that has to come from within and is very hard to attain.
Stop insulting women by insinuating that they are unable to speak for themselves just because you don't agree.
THat is a very arrogant position to attempt to place yourself.
Thank you.
Big Bad Wolf,
You don't speak for all men.
Stop insulting men everywhere by pretending your 21 years of marriage makes you an expert and immediate alpha male that has all the answers.
It is very arrogant of you.
Actually, how about I recognize that you have a right to your opinion and disagree with you when I don't think what you say is right and you can do the same with me?
Obesity isn't only about women. I can think of at least 10 times my husband and I have looked at each other and went, "oh, look. Little pudgy around the midsection. Time to hit the treadmill!"
He has been told this by me at least 6 times. I don't ever berate my friends who are overweight. It is a personal choice at a certaint point. You either choose to try, or choose to be happy with what you have. I choose to be as fit as I can be, and to be as healthy as I can ( without having to give up chocolate) while some choose not to be. Obviously my husband and I both had expectations that the other wouldn't let themselves go after the wedding, and we stick to that. I am not afraid to tell him he's getting alittle mushy and he isn't afraid to tell me.
Trenton, I roll my eyes back, because you don't speak for me. I do. And I can sympathize with the struggles a spouse has with attraction when the other puts on large amounts of weight. Do I tell them to leave? No. But do I encourage them to help their spouse get healthier? Yep. Am I woman bashing? No. I am a huge supporter of getting women together in groups and exercising so they feel more comfortable going into gyms and public exercising areas. I arrange groups to go three times a week. Because I want to see my kids have their own families and I want my friends to be around for a long time to see theirs.
Obesity isn't only about women. I can think of at least 10 times my husband and I have looked at each other and went, "oh, look. Little pudgy around the midsection. Time to hit the treadmill!"
He has been told this by me at least 6 times. I don't ever berate my friends who are overweight. It is a personal choice at a certaint point. You either choose to try, or choose to be happy with what you have. I choose to be as fit as I can be, and to be as healthy as I can ( without having to give up chocolate) while some choose not to be. Obviously my husband and I both had expectations that the other wouldn't let themselves go after the wedding, and we stick to that. I am not afraid to tell him he's getting alittle mushy and he isn't afraid to tell me.
Trenton, I roll my eyes back, because you don't speak for me. I do. And I can sympathize with the struggles a spouse has with attraction when the other puts on large amounts of weight. Do I tell them to leave? No. But do I encourage them to help their spouse get healthier? Yep. Am I woman bashing? No. I am a huge supporter of getting women together in groups and exercising so they feel more comfortable going into gyms and public exercising areas. I arrange groups to go three times a week. Because I want to see my kids have their own families and I want my friends to be around for a long time to see theirs.
There's a lot of eye rolling going on around here.
You're right that I don't speak for you and I do appreciate that and listen to what you have to say our own experiences (mine in this case) can get in the way.
I just feel that if we look at this topic using data and reasoning we'll find that the underlining issue is more complex than one man thinking his wife is fat. I was involved with a campaign to end ana (pro anorexia) websites online and when I got into the research I was so shocked and alarmed. I'm also an advocate against the sex slave trade and sexual abuse of women in general. You'd be amazed how often a man's view of attractive will dictate what a woman should look like as well as excuse cruelty and abuse to women and girls. It is a sore spot for me and one that upsets me greatly.
How is obesity in marriage linked to these issues? For me it's the same thing on a smaller scale. Am I taking my personal experiences and perceptions and making assumptions...I admit that I am but, honestly, aren't we all?
Deejo, wanted to ask you about this too actually. Does the woman find the excess skin sagging from her body attractive? I mean let's get real here. Kudos to the woman for the major weight loss but her body is hardly the epitome of a fashion model nor will it ever be unless she gets plastic surgery. Self acceptance is something that has to come from within and is very hard to attain.
Excess skin? Yep, she does. Don't really understand your point? Are you saying she was already unattractive so why bother?
I think you are being a bit contrary.
She's happy. She made a decision based on the fact that she has two children under 10, and was already staring diabetes in the face with a litany of other health issues down the road.
She hikes, she bikes, she runs around with her kids. She did none of those things previously.
By her account, her husband never waivered. Loved her when she was morbidly obese, loves her now.
I think she is a wonderful woman. I liked her when she was morbidly obese, and I like her thin. She's proud of her accomplishment.
Excess skin? Yep, she does. Don't really understand your point? Are you saying she was already unattractive so why bother?
I think you are being a bit contrary.
She's happy. She made a decision based on the fact that she has two children under 10, and was already staring diabetes in the face with a litany of other health issues down the road.
She hikes, she bikes, she runs around with her kids. She did none of those things previously.
By her account, her husband never waivered. Loved her when she was morbidly obese, loves her now.
I think she is a wonderful woman. I liked her when she was morbidly obese, and I like her thin. She's proud of her accomplishment.
I agree with everything you say here and think it sounds like a fabulous relationship and she an amazing woman.
-But- If the topic we're discussing is about how a man can find his wife unattractive and demand/request that she lose the weight because it's a deal breaker for him then we should look at the attraction factor after large amounts of weight is lost right? That's why I questioned this. I wanted to make the point that in real life people don't go from morbidly obese to super model in an aesthetic sense.
Weight is a larger issue than attraction and taking care of oneself. It is a very dynamic issue.
Some men see the inside and the outside and truly love both and some focus on the outside (women too).
This is where the problem comes in. So I think its more of a visual aspect than a love aspect. My husband loves me, but I also know he didn't think I was attractive for the short time when I was overweight - that was okay - I didn't either. Doesn't mean he didn't love me.
He is now a few pounds overweight and while it's not attractive, I still love him and will continue to love him.
The original poster (I believe) isn't finding his wife "attractive" at her current weight, doesn't mean he doesn't love her, he is just not physically attracted to her while she is overweight - doesn't mean he's judgmental or a jerk or doesn't love her, etc., fat turns him off - but she needs to know and she can make the decision as to whether that is important to her or not.
Different strokes...we can all agree to disagree, right?
Some men see the inside and the outside and truly love both and some focus on the outside (women too).
This is where the problem comes in. So I think its more of a visual aspect than a love aspect. My husband loves me, but I also know he didn't think I was attractive for the short time when I was overweight - that was okay - I didn't either. Doesn't mean he didn't love me.
He is now a few pounds overweight and while it's not attractive, I still love him and will continue to love him.
The original poster (I believe) isn't finding his wife "attractive" at her current weight, doesn't mean he doesn't love her, he is just not physically attracted to her while she is overweight - doesn't mean he's judgmental or a jerk or doesn't love her, etc., fat turns him off - but she needs to know and she can make the decision as to whether that is important to her or not.
Different strokes...we can all agree to disagree, right?
Way to get back on topic! Seriously, you're right here so we don't even have to agree to disagree. I can admit that I was making leaps from personal experience and that it doesn't help the poster at all or make him a bad husband, etc.
In the realm of "I can only be responsible for, and change myself."
I just don't see it as making demands upon someone. Maybe that is why I DO see this as pretty straightforward.
I'm not sexually attracted to over-weight women. Were I in a relationship with a woman to whom I was sexually attracted and she simply stopped being invested in her health and appearance, using 'no time' or worse 'no desire' as an excuse, I would reiterate that health, fitness, and appearance are important to me.
If her response is to nosh down another sleeve of Oreos, I take that as a rejection of what is important to me. If Oreos are important to her, fine. I'm out.
This has just never been an issue for me because as others mentioned, it has been openly discussed - and I have always partnered with like-minded women. None of them were shallow or vain, they simply put a premium on staying active and fit. That is who I will always choose.
In the realm of "I can only be responsible for, and change myself."
I just don't see it as making demands upon someone. Maybe that is why I DO see this as pretty straightforward.
I'm not sexually attracted to over-weight women. Were I in a relationship with a woman to whom I was sexually attracted and she simply stopped being invested in her health and appearance, using 'no time' or worse 'no desire' as an excuse, I would reiterate that health, fitness, and appearance are important to me.
If her response is to nosh down another sleeve of Oreos, I take that as a rejection of what is important to me. If Oreos are important to her, fine. I'm out.
This has just never been an issue for me because as others mentioned, it has been openly discussed - and I have always partnered with like-minded women. None of them were shallow or vain, they simply put a premium on staying active and fit. That is who I will always choose.
So you'd never let it get to the obese stage to begin with you'd be out earlier on. Get it. So would your advice be to men who have stayed and have wives who are obese to get out too or would you tell them it's okay to want your wife to look different knowing full well even if she changes he'll have body issues in regards to her weight loss as well because weight loss is not as simple as fat to slim?
I'm talking in a purely attractive scale as I know weight loss has major health benefits for everyone. I'm just trying to stay in context to this post where he finds his wife unattractive because of obesity.
Well to me, the kicker is that obesity doesn't happen over night.
Odds are, Buzz found his spouse less attractive long before she became obese.
There was a threshold ... and she hit it. Everybody wants to be compassionate and accepting. I actually believe that is what most husbands, or wives, would do in this case; overlook the issue with the hope that the partner becoming obese will see this and want to change course. It is deflating when they don't make that decision.
But equally, at some point the mindset kicks in that their partner simply doesn't care. They don't care about themselves, and they obviously don't care about the thoughts and feelings of the other person. I'm not saying it is either right, or appropriate - but simply that it happens.
Just as many slip into extreme weight gain over time. The other partner at some level slips into ambivalence - and that translates into a fundamental lack of attraction.
There is an aspect of obesity that hasn't really been focused on as much in this discussion. To some, it's only an issue for visual appeal, but some struggle more with the stigma and what it might say about the personality. Sometimes, we gain weight because of a lack of discipline in our lives. Don't know if its true, but I've heard that many women find this aspect more bothersome than me.
Either way, I've always tried to keep in shape, but not all of it is for health reasons or sexual attraction. How many leaders do you see in companies who are overweight? It's sad, but it matters more often than we realize.
My wife struggles with obesity, but I think that if she found a range where she was happy, and content, then it wouldn't be as much of an issue.
She or he let go of their weight, I mean really let go, become a person who weighs 200 pounds or 300 pounds.
Is it good?
Does it show self-control?
We laugh at a man who loses control over alcohol, how about weight? It is not the same?
Let's not talk about appearance, how about health? Is being over weight healthy?
Japan is a rich nation, but their people are thin and slim. You don't see over weight people on the street. They eat a lot of fish, bean products, vegetables and fruit. They also use small bowls. They don't use big plates. And they live longer.
Sigh...................................
People can live whatever way they are happy with! They don't like to be told that what they are doing is not good for them.
Who cares.....................................? Their family members!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I adore people who have will-power. They realize that they have problems, they set goals to correct their problems. A few weeks ago there was JD. Don't we all want him to correct his problem and become a better man?
It is OK to have a problem, if we know that we have problems, we correct them. The sad part is that a lot of people don't want to admit that they have problems, they sit there bicker and complain, but it is all other people's fault.
Sigh................................
You are your own enemy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I just feel that if we look at this topic using data and reasoning we'll find that the underlining issue is more complex than one man thinking his wife is fat. I was involved with a campaign to end ana (pro anorexia) websites online and when I got into the research I was so shocked and alarmed. I'm also an advocate against the sex slave trade and sexual abuse of women in general. You'd be amazed how often a man's view of attractive will dictate what a woman should look like as well as excuse cruelty and abuse to women and girls. It is a sore spot for me and one that upsets me greatly."
I think their is a total double standard when it comes to men and women regarding weight. A man is allowed to get overweight and nobody questions it. A man has "love handles" when a woman is just "fat". That isn't a level playing field at all. Women are viewed way more harshly by society for being overweight or rather 20 lbs over what a man deems as acceptable. With the exception of Men's Health, there aren't many magazines catered to men calling them out on their weight. Women? I can think of hundreds of them. We are supposed to be slim, young, long hair, attractive at all times, worry about body hair, stretch marks, our breasts, our butt, how long our eyelashes are and worry/deal with any wrinkle on our face. Any man who doesn't see this and realize the pressure women are under to do all these things is a fool.
Why do men get a pass in this? They can gain weight, lose their hair, get wrinkles and they are considered "distinguished". If a woman has that happen she is in essence cast out as undesirable. It's ridiculous.
Having said that, I would never loose weight for anybody but myself. I woke up one day and took a long hard look in the mirror and didn't like the body staring back at me. I joined a gym that very day. I have lost 46 pounds and kept it off for 3 years now. It was through sheer grit and determination that I did it. Had my husband said anything negative about my weight, I wouldn't have been as motivated as I was when I found it on my own. I am 5' 11". The extra 46 pounds did not put me as obese, not even close. In fact it put me in normal BMI for my height. Had my husband come to me and said he cared about "health issues", I would have seen right through it. It would never have been about health issues but rather his desire to see me thinner. I think alot of men fall in to this category. They want the trophy.
Granted this original post started with a husband wanting advice about talking to his morbidly obese wife. I think at that point you just come right out and say it: "Honey, I am scared that you won't be around to spend the rest of our lives together. I am worried and concerned". That is a normal response and he has totally legitimate reasons to tell her that. I do think though that from some of these posts and reading on other websites that men often ***** about their wife "gaining weight" and present it as "health concerns" when in reality it isn't about health at all. It is about a man wanting his wife to look a certain way. If that's the case, why not come out and be honest about it? We women can read through the bull**** better than you men know.
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Re: Obesity and Marriage 
