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Old 10-28-2010, 02:32 PM   #136 (permalink)
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What I cannot reconcile in my head is that it didn't used to be hard for him to open up at all. What happened? Me?
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Old 10-28-2010, 02:39 PM   #137 (permalink)
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Okay, this is getting a little ridiculous. I don't think that NG was attacking you in any way VT Mom. Perhaps I read that wrong but he seems really genuine. We are ALL here for one purpose and one purpose only: to try and make our marriage work.
I was not feeling attacked. Yah I snarked at him. I am snarkalishiss like that. I do have a pet thing about repeatedly being told I am saying something other than what I am saying. Call me crazy. Is there an emotional need for that? Understanding?

For the record, I am not here to make my marriage work. I like discussions. I find marriage and parenting fascinating.
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Old 10-28-2010, 02:39 PM   #138 (permalink)
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I'm not a woman. But I do have magnificent breasts.

This place is cathartic. My marriage is done. It was a tremendous help to me in reconciling and wading through months of very painful and confusing events. I don't stay to lament my marriage. I stay to learn, and to share, and of course to meet hot chicks ...
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Old 10-28-2010, 02:44 PM   #139 (permalink)
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VT - Not sure if you are still around or not - actually hope you are. I've disagreed with you frequently - but only criticized you once that I can recall.
Feel free to criticize me! If I deserve it, I will own up. I hope.


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Trenton - no one has asked you or any other woman to "Toy Up". I've asked very similar questions (why are you here if you have such strong opinions and no problems) to both MEM and BBW.

And is it "Snarly" or "Snarky"?
Snarky. I am not sure where this slang term came from. Depending on the usage is can mean ill humored or "A witty mannerism, personality, or behavior that is a combination of sarcasm and cynicism." But in most usages, I think it is about the same as the b word that will get asterisked out if I type it.

You and I have no quarrel that I know of. I am not going to agree to things I don't agree to, or "admit" things I don't agree to. And it sounds like you and I don't agree on things. Which is fine. As for thinking I am right, of course I think I am right. Or I would change my views! Who wants wrong views? You think you are right too. (For the record, when I took the which Lord of the Rings character test on Facebook, it said I was Elrond... And that I am rarely wrong... I mean, Facebook told me. It must be true! )
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Old 10-28-2010, 02:51 PM   #140 (permalink)
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I was not feeling attacked. Yah I snarked at him. I am snarkalishiss like that. I do have a pet thing about repeatedly being told I am saying something other than what I am saying. Call me crazy. Is there an emotional need for that? Understanding?

For the record, I am not here to make my marriage work. I like discussions. I find marriage and parenting fascinating.
If you weren't feeling attacked, then I guess I'm still acting too nice.



Brennan - I don't think most men need for their wives to change in order to clam up. I know I go through periods where I'm VERY antisocial - when I'd rather be alone than be around anyone. Then other times I find being around people can be a good thing.

Going through this separation / EA stuff with my wife, I've bounced back and forth like a pinball. Kept it all in for a while - then started being very open - then clammed up again when I thought it was truly over.

Even though things are better with us right now, I'm still very quiet about things - almost like I'm afraid I'm going to jinx things somehow.

Are there other things that could have triggered a change? Job loss or changes at work? Pending layoffs? Financial issues? Death in the family?

But I guess what I'm really saying is that me - personally - I'll just go into emotional hibernation on my own from time to time with no real rhyme or reason that I've figured out.

But this board is a bit different. Its almost more like an online journal - with feedback. And the more open I am here, the better the feedback will be.
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Old 10-28-2010, 02:54 PM   #141 (permalink)
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What I cannot reconcile in my head is that it didn't used to be hard for him to open up at all. What happened? Me?
I hear you struggling with this. The tendency to blame oneself is always present. Yet, we cannot own the response of another.

There's a wise saying that we teach others how to treat us. That also means we are free to change our response to them and to watch what happens in return.

It's also true that life has likely ground him down a bit. It truly happens to us all.

What he likely needs is what's called "psychological air". He'll sense that if he thinks you know how he's feeling.
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Old 10-28-2010, 02:59 PM   #142 (permalink)
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As for thinking I am right, of course I think I am right. Or I would change my views! Who wants wrong views? You think you are right too.
It just seems that you are very black and white with your thinking. Either we agree or we disagree. You think you are right and others wrong.

I just think its hard to open yourself to new ideas with that way of thinking. Especially with relationships (and parenting), there are few absolutes. Most of the answers are somewhere in between the extremes - in that grey area between the black and the white.
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:03 PM   #143 (permalink)
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It's also true that life has likely ground him down a bit. It truly happens to us all.
Almost typed that myself - but didn't want to seem like a downer.

How old are you (Brennan and Hubby)? Maybe he's just hit a bit of that mid-life crisis - disappointed now that he realizes he'll never be president, or a pro baseball player - those things that you dream about being when you are young and idealistic.
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:14 PM   #144 (permalink)
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A little background here: I really think that years of resentment has built up in both of us. I think maybe he shut down because of that. I don't know though. He also gave up on his hobbies. I did ask him about that and why he stopped and he said "kids". I probed further and the truth came out.....that "I got upset when he was gone". I really don't remember that. I do remember feeling totally neglected by him. The solution though is not to give up on your hobbies and then sit around at home continuing to ignore your partner! Now his hobby is a laptop. I guess he feels being home makes him husband of the year.

He is 39. Turning 40 in a few months. Don't think it is MLC. I think he is worn down (probably by me) but doesn't voice that. Instead he ignores and I become a task to be dealt with. It sucks.
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:15 PM   #145 (permalink)
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It just seems that you are very black and white with your thinking. Either we agree or we disagree. You think you are right and others wrong.
I don't know what "black and white" thinking is or what the converse type of thinking would be.

I *do* believe in objective truth. And if something is true, it is likely demonstrable. If I don't agree with something, it is because I don't feel it has been demonstrated.

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I just think its hard to open yourself to new ideas with that way of thinking.
Tee hee. I disagree! Honestly, the only thing that makes me change my view is going to be an argument (think logical progression not fight) that convinces me of that truth.
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Especially with relationships (and parenting), there are few absolutes.
Well, for one I didn't use any absolutes. But the reality with both parenting and marriage is that the proof is in the pudding.

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Most of the answers are somewhere in between the extremes - in that grey area between the black and the white.
[/quote]
You kind of just spoke in code. As a pragmatist, I confess it is hard for me to glean precisely what you MEAN by this post.
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:17 PM   #146 (permalink)
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Brannan, have you guys done the stuff over at marriage builders? It sounds like neither of you are getting your needs met. I wonder... and this may well not be the answer you are looking for, if you put your focus and attention on HIS needs, might it engender reciprocity in him? Damned hard to do when you are already embroiled in a feeling of rejection, bitterness, and resentment.

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Old 10-28-2010, 03:28 PM   #147 (permalink)
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A little background here: I really think that years of resentment has built up in both of us. I think maybe he shut down because of that. I don't know though. He also gave up on his hobbies. I did ask him about that and why he stopped and he said "kids". I probed further and the truth came out.....that "I got upset when he was gone". I really don't remember that. I do remember feeling totally neglected by him. The solution though is not to give up on your hobbies and then sit around at home continuing to ignore your partner! Now his hobby is a laptop. I guess he feels being home makes him husband of the year.

He is 39. Turning 40 in a few months. Don't think it is MLC. I think he is worn down (probably by me) but doesn't voice that. Instead he ignores and I become a task to be dealt with. It sucks.
Playmate/companion

Many times, this is what's missing.

Did you two like to do something together other than go out to eat at restaurants?

Something that's been let slide?

Does he like motorcycles?
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:31 PM   #148 (permalink)
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Brennan get him on here and let us whip him into the man he wants to be but forgot how to be.
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:36 PM   #149 (permalink)
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Ha ha Trenton. Tie him to a chair with a gun pointed at him?

No, we don't go out anymore Conrad. Last "date" was over a year ago.

VTMom, that is great advice but very hard to execute. How do I do this?
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:40 PM   #150 (permalink)
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Ha ha Trenton. Tie him to a chair with a gun pointed at him?

No, we don't go out anymore Conrad. Last "date" was over a year ago.

VTMom, that is great advice but very hard to execute. How do I do this?
Is something stopping you from going out now?

Is there some area he was formerly interested in that you could suddenly "become" interested in?
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