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Old 10-28-2010, 03:54 PM   #151 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Brennan View Post
Ha ha Trenton. Tie him to a chair with a gun pointed at him?

No, we don't go out anymore Conrad. Last "date" was over a year ago.

VTMom, that is great advice but very hard to execute. How do I do this?
Seriously, try it. It will create some type of spark.
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:57 PM   #152 (permalink)
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Default Re: Old but telling article about men doing housework (UK)

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Is something stopping you from going out now?

Is there some area he was formerly interested in that you could suddenly "become" interested in?
One of the first things I did when my wife moved into her apartment was dig my old bass guitar amp out of the garage and move the bass into the living room next to the computer where all my music is.

And now - after 10 years of 'thinking about it' - I signed up for a Judo class. I come home with bruises all over my arms - my arm was hurting last night and kept waking me up - and I LOVE IT. Its challenging. Its manly. And the psychological aspect of finally doing something that I'd threatened to do for years is immeasurable.

But - it took my wife nearly leaving me to light the fire under my butt and make those changes. Like you said about your hubby - I thought I was being "good" by just being at home and agreeing to put my guitar and amp away because I'm a "grown-up" now - and they didn't fit the decor.

I thought I was making her happy but I found out the hard way that I was wrong.

I just don't know an easy way to force someone who is comfortably unhappy into making positive changes.
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:58 PM   #153 (permalink)
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Default Re: Old but telling article about men doing housework (UK)

Conrad,
Now we are in almost a punishment phase if you will. He knows I want to go out with him. He says "next week" and then next week roles around and it doesn't happen. Passive aggressive BS crap is what it is. The ignoring me part is also passive aggressive. He knows it hurts me and I think that is the point. This behvior didn't just happen over night. It is 17 years in the making of him feeling slighted, belittled and hurt. My resentment is 17 years in the making of being his lowest priority, constantly let down and totally ignored. So I would yell and say awful things to him. He essentially removed me from his life in turn. Hence the "death spiral" that Deejo talks about. Vicious vicious cycle. I don't know how to break it.
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Old 10-28-2010, 04:00 PM   #154 (permalink)
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Default Re: Old but telling article about men doing housework (UK)

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Conrad,
Now we are in almost a punishment phase if you will. He knows I want to go out with him. He says "next week" and then next week roles around and it doesn't happen. Passive aggressive BS crap is what it is. The ignoring me part is also passive aggressive. He knows it hurts me and I think that is the point. This behvior didn't just happen over night. It is 17 years in the making of him feeling slighted, belittled and hurt. My resentment is 17 years in the making of being his lowest priority, constantly let down and totally ignored. So I would yell and say awful things to him. He essentially removed me from his life in turn. Hence the "death spiral" that Deejo talks about. Vicious vicious cycle. I don't know how to break it.
I apologize if you've answered this before.

Do you empathize with him?

Seriously, do you seek the feeling in his words and reflect it back to him?
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Old 10-28-2010, 04:01 PM   #155 (permalink)
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Default Re: Old but telling article about men doing housework (UK)

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Conrad,
Now we are in almost a punishment phase if you will. He knows I want to go out with him. He says "next week" and then next week roles around and it doesn't happen. Passive aggressive BS crap is what it is. The ignoring me part is also passive aggressive. He knows it hurts me and I think that is the point. This behvior didn't just happen over night. It is 17 years in the making of him feeling slighted, belittled and hurt. My resentment is 17 years in the making of being his lowest priority, constantly let down and totally ignored. So I would yell and say awful things to him. He essentially removed me from his life in turn. Hence the "death spiral" that Deejo talks about. Vicious vicious cycle. I don't know how to break it.
So - do you want it to work out or not?

If you do - set something up that you can do with or without him - but preferrably together. Invite him, but don't let it stop you if he backs out.
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Old 10-28-2010, 04:01 PM   #156 (permalink)
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Let me tell you....I could write a LONG article about the issues in our marriage and it wouldn't start out with "Dear Penthouse Forum". It's way nastier.
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Old 10-28-2010, 04:04 PM   #157 (permalink)
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Conrad,
I need to empathize more. Right now, his words are just words. Listening makes for a difficult situation. Deejo also mentioned this. I need action. You can't tell me you love me as you twist the knife in my back at the same time.

NG,
Yes, I want to work it out. I do think you correct about a hobby. I used to fence. It was awesome. Maybe I should start that again.
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Old 10-28-2010, 04:06 PM   #158 (permalink)
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One of the first things I did when my wife moved into her apartment was dig my old bass guitar amp out of the garage and move the bass into the living room next to the computer where all my music is.

And now - after 10 years of 'thinking about it' - I signed up for a Judo class. I come home with bruises all over my arms - my arm was hurting last night and kept waking me up - and I LOVE IT. Its challenging. Its manly. And the psychological aspect of finally doing something that I'd threatened to do for years is immeasurable.

But - it took my wife nearly leaving me to light the fire under my butt and make those changes. Like you said about your hubby - I thought I was being "good" by just being at home and agreeing to put my guitar and amp away because I'm a "grown-up" now - and they didn't fit the decor.

I thought I was making her happy but I found out the hard way that I was wrong.

I just don't know an easy way to force someone who is comfortably unhappy into making positive changes.
That is truly the right word, "comfortably unhappy"

Exactly how I was feeling prior to my daughter's suicide attempt.

Our partners became attracted to us because of who we WERE. The changes we make to accommodate and "not make her mad" turn us into the lifeless needy wimps they then despise. You may make those changes in response to nagging. It may be "for the kids". We're taught that men sacrifice for the greater good. Yet, sacrificing too much of ourselves puts the entire picture at risk.

Moderation in all things.
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Old 10-28-2010, 04:10 PM   #159 (permalink)
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Default Re: Old but telling article about men doing housework (UK)

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Conrad,
I need to empathize more. Right now, his words are just words. Listening makes for a difficult situation. Deejo also mentioned this. I need action. You can't tell me you love me as you twist the knife in my back at the same time.

NG,
Yes, I want to work it out. I do think you correct about a hobby. I used to fence. It was awesome. Maybe I should start that again.
Did he ever fence? I guess I'm thinking about something that could possibly bring you together. Like booking a weekend at a bed and breakfast - or just getting a sitter for dinner one night. If he cancels, you go to the BNB yourself and enjoy some alone time - or go to a bookstore instead of dinner (if you don't like to eat alone).

Fencing would be good for you - which could ultimately help the two of you - just not so sure.

I was at a point where i really didn't WANT to do anything with my wife. I finally did enough on my own that it scared her a bit and SHE started to lean in closer again.

Or maybe I've got it all wrong...you keep mentioning all of this "resentment"...

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Old 10-28-2010, 04:14 PM   #160 (permalink)
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NG,
He didn't fence. The resentment I mention causes him to not want to do anything with me or go anywhere with me. Many of you said some great advice...in essence, fake it until you make it. Is that the key? Play nice to him so he feels it's safe to poke his head back out? Again, he is passive aggressive and also a massive conflict avoider. Fight or flight response is flee, leaving me and the kids in the dust. Should I give him some "warm fuzzies", make is safer? It's hard to do when deep down I feel that's what he should have doing all along for me. Grrrr.

Last edited by Therealbrighteyes; 10-28-2010 at 04:16 PM. Reason: added sentence.
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Old 10-28-2010, 04:21 PM   #161 (permalink)
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Brennan,

I hate to do this.

When I was at the therapist by myself (yes, I'm telling you something from my autobiography), I said something very similar.

She looked at me directly and said, "Do you want it to work"?

I'll ask you the same thing.

I imagine you have some very compassionate parts of your personality. If you can get to them and use them in this pursuit, your chance for positive results improve greatly.
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Old 10-28-2010, 04:30 PM   #162 (permalink)
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Conrad,
Yes, I want it to work.
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Old 10-28-2010, 04:34 PM   #163 (permalink)
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Default Re: Old but telling article about men doing housework (UK)

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Ha ha Trenton. Tie him to a chair with a gun pointed at him?

No, we don't go out anymore Conrad. Last "date" was over a year ago.

VTMom, that is great advice but very hard to execute. How do I do this?
Go over to marriagebuilders.com. Read about emotional needs, love bank and love busters. There are a bunch of quizzes and worksheets. If you do the emotional needs questionnaire, and he does too, you both can know better what you are aiming at.

Example in my life. My husband's love language is touch. He feels loved by drive by touches, hugs, squeezes. I have to FORCE myself to do this since it feels weird to me.

As it relates to work, I finally just decided to believe that, instead of him choosing work over me, that he was demonstrating excellent work ethic and providing for the family...I guess I decided to let him need to work... If that makes any sense. What wound up happening, was that the increased freedom from stress resulted in a willingness to try harder when I mentioned something was a REAL priority...
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Old 10-28-2010, 04:51 PM   #164 (permalink)
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Conrad,
Yes, I want it to work.
Then doing your best to set aside resentment and reflect back observations on his body language.

Stephen Covey calls it "listening with your eyes"
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Old 10-29-2010, 09:41 AM   #165 (permalink)
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Default Re: Old but telling article about men doing housework (UK)

Okay, a little bird in my ear told me this thread became about me (for a little while)

I really stopped reading around page 3.

I was just kidding on the Women Can't Mow the Lawn thing. Wow. . .I can't beleive you women had a tissy on that. Of course some women can mow the lawn well. . .just not as well as me

How can they be expected to understand complicted gas/oil mixtures, spark plugs, and blade sharpenings? I don't expect to understand the difference between a softboiled egg and a poached egg.

I think you women need to stop hanging out in the Men's Clubhouse and just need to all take a hot bubble bath and paint your toenails and you'll all feel better. Someone draw Trenton's and Vthomeschoolmom's bath water please. . .

Yes, Me Neandethal.

You cavewoman.

Hands off the mower. And the garage is my territory too. And the basement. I know this because I peeed on it to mark it.

And if you mount a challenge to MY territory, I WILL beat my chest like an ape.

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