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Old 10-30-2010, 05:19 PM   #316 (permalink)
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Default Re: Old but telling article about men doing housework (UK)

Scanner,
I think my question was a bit open for interpretation, sorry about that. I have thought about it some more and am changing my question: What makes a man happy in marriage? What are the true needs?
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Old 10-30-2010, 05:50 PM   #317 (permalink)
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Bob,
What I was trying to say is that despite the fact that he won't forget, he will forgive. I am however stuck at the forgiving part. I know I need to, I just don't know how. I am not a forgiving person at all and I freely admit that. Is that healthy? No. I guess the more appropriate statement to make would be that I can forgive if someone is genuine in their apology and actions. He has apologized many many times but his actions don't back it up. So I go back to square one. Having said that, I think he is showing some action. Reading this book (to me) shows action. A willingness to look within himself and figure out what is broken. As I mentioned, I have a book that I ordered and once it arrives I will read it cover to cover. I am trying to figure out our dynamic.
Well Brennan you may just be setting yourself up for a personality disorder. It’s called PTED Post Traumatic Embitterment Disorder. It’s being proposed by a German psychologist who’s been dealing with East Germans. It’s in the “extreme”, they are seriously embittered people.

Maybe there truly isn’t anything you can do about your bitterness and resentment for your husband and you will have PTED. Maybe you just can’t do it. My wife couldn’t with me. I came to see that her resentment was hard wired and that if she let go of it she simply wouldn’t know who she was anymore. She simply could not imagine herself living without her resentment for me. When I recognised and accepted that it was the end for me.

And just like me, maybe your husband will come to truly resent your resentment. And maybe just like me it will be the end for him as well. When a man like me makes up his mind, there is absolutely no going back. Why? Because he’s far happier without a bitter and resentful wife by his side.

Bob
PS: I got no appologies from my wife for her offences against me. I still forgave because that's who I am and how I like to do things.
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Old 10-30-2010, 06:03 PM   #318 (permalink)
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Default Re: Old but telling article about men doing housework (UK)

Bob,
I think there is a difference between wanting to let go of resentment and not. I WANT to. So my question is, how do I do this? Is there a 12 step program? Books?
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Old 10-30-2010, 06:18 PM   #319 (permalink)
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Default Re: Old but telling article about men doing housework (UK)

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Bob,
I think there is a difference between wanting to let go of resentment and not. I WANT to. So my question is, how do I do this? Is there a 12 step program? Books?
I'm learning to focus more on the present and less on the past. A lot of it has been a matter of being busier - I don't have the time to sit around and fret about things lately.

Also, focus on what forgiveness will do for YOU. When you are angry with someone, YOU carry that burden - not them. And that anger takes a toll on you.

Forgiveness will take place inside your own head and your own heart. You don't even have to say anything to him.

Just skimming today - but one thing about what happened at the ball game was that you not only showed your love to him, but you did it in front of other people. What a great opportunity - and really awesome that you took advantage of it!!!

(VT - saw your post - no problems...)
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Old 10-30-2010, 06:50 PM   #320 (permalink)
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Default Re: Old but telling article about men doing housework (UK)

I got Sunflowers!!!!!! Hubbie came back from the florist with our son's corsage for his gf (tonight is homecoming) and I got my favorite flower!!!!
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Old 10-30-2010, 06:50 PM   #321 (permalink)
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Bob,
I think there is a difference between wanting to let go of resentment and not. I WANT to. So my question is, how do I do this? Is there a 12 step program? Books?
Hi Brennan,
There’s links below to websites about resentment and how to overcome it. They all say resentment is a marriage killer and the way to overcome it is through forgiveness. If you Google “marriage "overcome resentment"” or other phrases I think that’s what you are going to find. If you find something else perhaps you’ll let me know.

If you can’t forgive then you just can’t forgive. My wife and mil (note the lower case, I don’t like that woman at all lol) are like that. My wife’s mother as an 80 year old would talk with extreme embitterment about things that happened when she was 7. Can believe that? Her sister flew up from Australia to visit her and within an hour of getting together mil started tearing into her about something that happened 40 years ago!

I was truly amazed just how concrete reinforced with iron bars these things were in my wife’s psyche, truly amazed. It stunned me. She took the choice when I gave it to her as an ultimatum to hold onto her resentment rather than stay with the man she said she loved. I don’t think she believed for one minute that I wouldn’t try and get her back.

How to Overcome Resentment

Handling Resentment | LIVESTRONG.COM

Forgiving Your Spouse | My Distant Love

http://ezinearticles.com/?3-Ways-to-...age&id=4267800

Resentful Feelings Can Ruin Your Marriage | Olive Articles - The Best Article Directory
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Old 10-30-2010, 06:59 PM   #322 (permalink)
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Brennan, I’ve given up on the resentment and forgiving with you. Not you’re getting it. Maybe someone else can help you out. I hope for you and your family you get there.

Magical with the flowers.

Bob
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Old 10-30-2010, 07:02 PM   #323 (permalink)
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You see? Now is the time to soften your heart.

He brought you flowers.

That's how you get out of resentment. . .soften your heart. I think you need to retrace. . .once the resentment is gone, they'll be the original hurt there but now you can talk about your hurt and heal. I mean, not dwell on it - but talk about it for an hour or two or however long and then move on. Just don't go backwards back into resentment.

I know Dr. Phil says a lot, "To get to forgiveness, you have to acknowledge."

If he's not acknowledging how he hurt you, then he needs to do that. After he acknowledges and comprehends, then he can ask for forgiveness and then the ball is in your court entirely.

Has he asked to be forgiven and acknowledged his wrongs?

But you know, sometimes we can all psychobabble away here but this may be better punted to a member of the clergy - a priest, minister or rabbi.

They specialize in the subject of forgiveness and sometimes a faith-based intervention can really help - to realize and beleive there is actually something greater out there than you, than even both of you. That can help you heal.

If you have a pastor, why don't you give him a call? Just like doctors they know that men don't like to go but if he's been at it awhile, they are used to the brush-off, if your hubby wouldn't be up for it.
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Old 10-30-2010, 07:20 PM   #324 (permalink)
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Scanner,
Odd that you mention church. We met in church, at 9. We loved that church. We married in that church, both boys were baptized in that church. We moved away and haven't found anything even close to that....so we stopped looking. We haven't set foot in a church in 12 years despite us having deep religious beliefs. We are Lutheran, so it's pretty relaxed to begin with but it was a sanctuary if you will being there. My husband also feels this loss. It was a safe haven (for us) filled with love and peace and tolerance.
Maybe I am fooling myself in to thinking we can find this kind of sanctuary again. Where we live, "mega churches" rule. It's disgusting. And a tax haven.
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Old 10-31-2010, 07:52 AM   #325 (permalink)
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Yeah, no doubt church is big business and I winced a little as I wrote that - throwing you two out to the "wolves" so to speak.

I don't know what to say other than it's your marriage, your spirituality - you don't like a pastor or church, take your business elsewhere.

I think there is a balance between a Mega-Church and a small church. If you get too small of a church with a great pastor, it's all personality dependent. .. go too big and it just seems like you are part of a conglomerate, putting in time and money to support the institution.

A mid-sized church with a few spiritual leaders to choose from is probably best for you and your husband based on what I know of Lutherans.

If you guys miss it, you probably need to get back to it. Maybe you'll luck out on a local Lutheran church.
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Old 10-31-2010, 08:22 AM   #326 (permalink)
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Scanner,
Odd that you mention church. We met in church, at 9. We loved that church. We married in that church, both boys were baptized in that church. We moved away and haven't found anything even close to that....so we stopped looking. We haven't set foot in a church in 12 years despite us having deep religious beliefs. We are Lutheran, so it's pretty relaxed to begin with but it was a sanctuary if you will being there. My husband also feels this loss. It was a safe haven (for us) filled with love and peace and tolerance.
Maybe I am fooling myself in to thinking we can find this kind of sanctuary again. Where we live, "mega churches" rule. It's disgusting. And a tax haven.
There are Lutheran forums, here’s an extract from one of them on resentment …

“Oh it is so much simpler then that, who's side are you on, satans or Gods, satan is the accuser, you hold a grudge, cant forgive then you are on satanbs side, for He can go to God abs say, so and so has sinned, then if God says, no they have not, well satan just says, oh but i have proof, so an so has not forgiven them, now if you really are a christian, then you would go to Jesus and ask GHim to help you forgive the person, no matter how hard it is, because you wont want to be standing in front of Him, when He might say, Why should I forgive you when you havnt forgiven so an so. Just read teh Lord prayer.

Forgive us as we forgive...

In His Love”

Here’s the link … What are the parameters of forgiveness?.

Bob
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Old 10-31-2010, 08:35 AM   #327 (permalink)
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The more I think about it, the more I think the two of you are good candidates for faith-based assistance.
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:18 AM   #328 (permalink)
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Anybody want to take a stab at the question I posed? What makes a man happy in a relationship/marriage?
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:32 AM   #329 (permalink)
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Anybody want to take a stab at the question I posed? What makes a man happy in a relationship/marriage?
Who’s the man you have in mind lol?

I could tell you what made me happy in my marriage and that would the same as telling you why I was in love with my wife … and what made me sad.

But I’m a very different man to your husband. One man’s meat is another man’s poison and all that. The only way to know what your husband’s meat is, well to ask him.

I’m guessing he’ll answer you honestly which can be difficult to do depending on what the two of you have been through. It’s also kind of dropping his guard making himself vulnerable for “withdrawal” of what he likes. She that giveth can also take away kind of thing. So it can be a delicate thing, just depends where you two are at.

You wont get anywhere until you’re rid of your resentment. While you’ve got that and he knows you’ve got it he is highly unlikely to make himself vulnerable to you. I reckon you both have your guards up and therefore cannot be truly vulnerable to one another. Not good that.

Bob
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Old 10-31-2010, 11:24 AM   #330 (permalink)
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Anybody want to take a stab at the question I posed? What makes a man happy in a relationship/marriage?
Knowing without a doubt that your woman is into you. I don't care what you call it or how you express it.

This was the beginning of the end for me. Her inability or lack of desire to express admiration, appreciation, respect, love, passion, or plain old flirty playfulness. For me personally, laughter and playfulness is big. I suppose you might call it expressive joy. Joy, that here we are still doing what we do, and it can still make us joyful.

Replace all of those with their negative counterparts, expectation, disappointment, resentment, ambivalence, disrespect and malaise. It got to the point where it was impossible for me to feel happy about the relationship when the message I consistently got was associated with negativity.

Even where sex is concerned. If you can't be enthusiastic, passionately aggressive, or playful then don't bother. It ain't supposed to be a chore that you put up with. It's supposed to be something you desire to do ... that you desire to do with me. Make me feel like a hero in the bedroom, and I will march through the gates of Hell for you.

It just seems so obvious to me ... express and practice the emotions you want to cultivate in your partner. That's simply the way people work. And if your partner simply refuses to let the good in ... then you are wasting your time and your life
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