guyfromoz

Hi Guys,
Im from Sydney and have been married to my wife for 8 years.I am now 30 and she 33.. We have two kids, 5 and 7.
We have had our ups and downs like anyone else with two infidelities on her behalf in the 8 years which I feel I have moved on from.

She is now telling me she still holds resentment from previous years to me as I was verbally abusive in the early stages of relationship (6 years) which she feels she hasn't been able to remove on from. She has also told me that she no longer finds me attractive as I have let my self go in all ways from Exercise to just general Hygiene (Lounging around the lounge in my undies etc....)

To top it off...
We have decided to accept a job offer in another state where we are going to know no one!!! Its very daunting and if I dont change my lazy ways from not helping around the house with general responsibilities to being more supportive of her physically and emotionally I know our relationship is only going to go one way and that's OVER!!!!

I'm a very perceptive person, we have had marriage counselling for years, not so much for a particular issue but just in General to remind ourselves to have an open dialogue...

I just want to have a place to come and have a chat as I need some support for when I check in and update my life..

Im sure many of you have been in similar situations and I would love to draw from your experiences to make me a better person as Im all about better self Development.

I hope you guys will be a good sounding board and visa versa.


Regards,

Conrad

That's a rant?

When you say "verbally abusive", what do you mean? Did this stem from jealousy, insecurity, or what?

unbelievable

Whatever this "verbal abuse" was, it was 6 years ago and followed by two adultaries on her part. I consider the "verbal abuse" issue dead, buried, and fully attoned for. She may have a legitimate gripe about your present behavior (lack of concern for your appearance). When she tells you she doesn't find you attractive, does she have some purpose for telling you this friendly revelation? My marriage vows didn't mention anything about "....for as long as your wife turns you on." I doubt the contract is any different in Australia. It'd be nice if you paid more attention to your appearance but it doesn't excuse her from participating fully in the marriage.

AFEH

Divorce law in England states that no “offence” older than 6 months can be used for the grounds for divorce. After 6 months the offence is considered done and dusted, over and done with.

Sometimes these things are a life sentence in a marriage.

Bob

Conrad

Bob,

The whole gunnysacking thing gets demoralizing.

A therapist advised me once... "stop apologizing for things that are over"

It's good advice. No matter how many times they're gunnysacked into the current situation.

unbelievable

That's the difference between a legitimate complaint and just b*&tching for the sake of b(&tching. One is productive and the other is just obnoxious noise and a diversion from the real problem.

guyfromoz

UPDATE:

As of 7 hours ago I am now separated from my wife.
All the hard work I feel on my behalf did turn me around as a person but there is WAY to much resentment on her behalf that she cannot get over.

We have been seeing a marriage counsellor both together and individually since 2006 just so we have an open dialogue and the day of reckoning my psychologist is on leave for two weeks in then North of Australia and she referred me to a friend.. It was hard telling our history and working on an outcome in an hour session with a new person...

Well, Im not the first and defiantly wont be the last to go through these powerful emotions so I just have to keep strong..

In regards to that lovely first reply:

I agree, verbal abuse does stem from everything you mentioned and I learn from my mistakes, that's what makes someone a better person.
But no matter how much you change,if the damage is done there is nothing else I can do and I need to learn from this..

Hope to speak soon.

Rgds

Rob774

Good luck man. Doesn't sound like she is worth it though. Since i have 3 kids, i'd have a hard trouble getting over 1 infidelity. Only way i could if i was acting like a doosh and she used poor judgement. 2??? Naw bro, i'd be out. U are doing your kids any favor by sticking around and have their daddy appear to be a doormat.

guyfromoz

i totally agree and thanks for your support

AFEH

Gunnysacking,
Wow I didn't know it had a name. This stuff is so weird I thought it was more or less unique in my wife. Those that gunnysack should get a life sentence. I guess they have a life sentence in a way as they never rid themselves of real or perceived offences. They carry them with them to their grave.

Thanks Conrad for the enlightenment.

Bob

ThinkTooMuch

Sorry to intrude on this discussion which is not a rant, but seeing Bob's post --

Bob,

I wonder if gunnysacking is part and parcel of BPD behavior. My ex brought up everything I ever did that offended her over the course of 16 years every time I did anything that offended her.

As far as life sentence, I think she got it, pushed all her close friends away sooner or later, has lived alone since my youngest went to university, neither kid ever spent more than a week in her house since the mid 90's.

Meanwhile my youngest wants to take care of me when I move to SF in November. He selected a building for me a block from his offering almost new furnished apartments on a month by month basis.

Mark



Mark

AFEH

I honestly don’t know Mark if it’s part of BPD behaviour. But what I do know is that gunnysacking, or rather the “bitterness from past events” that it portrays is up for serious consideration as a PD in and of it’s own right.

Gunnysacking is considered to be seriously dysfunctional behaviour in a marriage and even outside of marriage in its worse form can have catastrophic consequences. I’ve seen them.

My eldest son too said he wants to take care of me in my old age, it’s a fabulous feeling of being loved. He’s also said he could never live with his mother.

Bob