Hello guys, I am a wife and would like some advice regarding sex in my marriage. I have been married for 4 years to my husband. Usually, we only have sex once a month. This bothers me a great deal. Before we got married, we had sex practically every time we saw each other. I look and weigh the same as I did when we met, in fact I am healthier now than back when I was in college and eating junk food...lol...
Anyhow, to give you an example of why I'm confused: Today when I got home from work I found him on his laptop sitting in bed. I made small talk with him and then laid beside him. I put my head on his chest and kissed him. He responded by putting his hand on my head and pushing me away. At first I thought he was kidding, so I kissed him again. He then told me he was tired and got up and went to sit in the chair in our room. I scooted back to my side of the bed and started going through mail, then went in the other room and came back. He was sitting in the bed again. I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. I told him that I was not upset with him, that I understand he is tired. I then asked him that in the future, if he is not in the mood to just tell me first instead of pushing me away because it hurt (not physically, just emotionally). He got upset and said "Why can't I come home and relax...why do you have to pester me?" I said "What do you mean? You can come home and relax, I am just telling you something thats important to me." He then stopped responding to me. Only after I put my hand on his arm did he respond by saying "Everything is important to you. Why can't you just go do something?" Then he left the room. He is in his office avoiding me.
98% of the time we have sex, I initiate it. A lot of the time he will push me away at first, but I always took that to be playful. There have been times where he has pushed me away and meant that he did not want sex, and I stopped. But after I stop he acts like I am an inconvenience to him.
I don't understand his behavior and would like a man's perspective. My husband does not want to talk to me. I thought a couple years ago that the reason for the lack of sex was an affair, but I dug around and found no evidence of one.
This sounds like it is coming straight out of the "fear of intimacy" handbook, possibly peppered with some 'supporting' activities.
Reasons men turn down sex (in likelihood order):
1. They just masturbated
2. They are planning to masturbate later (masturbating is "easier")
3. He is "punishing" you for something you did in the past (resentment & self destructive behavior.
4. He doesn't feel wanted/loved/sexy/attractive (and therefor undeserving -- classic clinical depression)
5. He is "punishing" himself for something he did in the past
6. He is screwing someone else
7. The only thing that makes him attracted to you is the thought of you sleeping with anyone else (a whole mess of psychological issues)
I assume you and h are still under 35, an age where most men are willing and want to jump just about any female who looks at them, let alone one who expresses desire. He is very angry about something.
Does he feel like my ex B-I-L who (I was his best man) spent the hours before his wedding saying that he didn't want to marry his GF, but went through it anyway because he didn't want the shame of calling things off. She was from a wealthy NYC family, he had great prospects he fulfilled. My ex, his younger sister, thought she was more interested in his prospects than him, the way she spent and spends money lends credence to this theory. She and their children were always dressed for school and holidays in clothes out of the NY Times fashion pages and magazine.
FYI they were married in a huge ballroom in one of NYC's top hotels on 59th street, his room looked over Central Park, he graduated from Brown and Harvard Law and made a fortune along the way. There must have been over 300 guests attending the wedding.
Almost 40 years later they are still married, both unhappy in various ways from day one. No one was angrier when I announced my decision to divorce his sister, I still suspect that just as he was jealous his younger sister married before him and had the first grandchild, he was very unhappy that he was married to a gold digging b**** and didn't have the courage to leave.
Even more likely is that he is having an EA or PA. I would have a lot of trouble making love to my w if I was having an affair.
Another possibility - any chance he's realized he is gay/ bi-sexual and having male on male online chats or a very close friend or two? There is more than one fellow I've heard of who married because a wife provides a "beard". Don't know any personally, but it used (certainly in the 70s and before) to be pretty common. I have known more than one gay who had to beat the girls off, one who comes to mind was a very masculine, very handsome guy, my ex was one of his best friends in HS, I didn't suspect he was gay until she told me, but I was very naive, kind of surprised when we went to parties and he left seemingly alone.
Regardless of the cause of his distance, I suggest you go to your local public health office and get tested for STDs. Something is going on with him and it is not a good something.
Quote:
Originally Posted by quirky_girl
Hello guys, I am a wife and would like some advice regarding sex in my marriage. I have been married for 4 years to my husband. Usually, we only have sex once a month. This bothers me a great deal. Before we got married, we had sex practically every time we saw each other. I look and weigh the same as I did when we met, in fact I am healthier now than back when I was in college and eating junk food...lol...
Anyhow, to give you an example of why I'm confused: Today when I got home from work I found him on his laptop sitting in bed. I made small talk with him and then laid beside him. I put my head on his chest and kissed him. He responded by putting his hand on my head and pushing me away. At first I thought he was kidding, so I kissed him again. He then told me he was tired and got up and went to sit in the chair in our room. I scooted back to my side of the bed and started going through mail, then went in the other room and came back. He was sitting in the bed again. I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. I told him that I was not upset with him, that I understand he is tired. I then asked him that in the future, if he is not in the mood to just tell me first instead of pushing me away because it hurt (not physically, just emotionally). He got upset and said "Why can't I come home and relax...why do you have to pester me?" I said "What do you mean? You can come home and relax, I am just telling you something thats important to me." He then stopped responding to me. Only after I put my hand on his arm did he respond by saying "Everything is important to you. Why can't you just go do something?" Then he left the room. He is in his office avoiding me.
98% of the time we have sex, I initiate it. A lot of the time he will push me away at first, but I always took that to be playful. There have been times where he has pushed me away and meant that he did not want sex, and I stopped. But after I stop he acts like I am an inconvenience to him.
I don't understand his behavior and would like a man's perspective. My husband does not want to talk to me. I thought a couple years ago that the reason for the lack of sex was an affair, but I dug around and found no evidence of one.
Have you always been the one to initiate sex or is this something recent? Does he have a history of physical or sexual abuse? Has he ever been a touchy feely kind of guy? Do you think his sexual orientation has changed?
I have not always been the one to initiate sex. When we first got together it was him. Then after we dated for a while it was kind of equal. Now its almost always me.
He does not have a history of any type of abuse, neither do I.
He has never been a touchy feely kind of guy. That would more describe me. lol
I do not think his sexual orientation has changed. He subscribes to Maxium (I don't have a problem w/ that) and I'm assuming he gets off from it.... Also, he is very attracted to women.
I think that he believes he can now do better than me. I'm no supermodel by a long stretch but I'm pretty and very giving when it comes to sex. I look the same now as when we met, albeit with a different hair style. My husband is very showy and sometimes I think that he would like a "trophy" wife. One that he can show off. Most guys would not be comfortable if their woman went out with them wearing skimpy clothes or showing too much cleavage and getting hit on...not my guy. He actually encourages me to dress like that! It is very confusing to me b/c I have NEVER dressed ****ty or anything. I mean I will wear whatever in the bedroom but come on.... I just don't feel comfortable with guys, or anyone, gawking at me. I have always dressed conservatively my whole life. Then there is him mocking my hair, shoes, makeup...basically anything about my appearance. Most of all my body. One time we were out with a bunch of girl friends, of which all are hairdressers, and he said "baby, when are you going to do something about your hair?" We were in public so I just kind of brushed it off and was like...oh yeah I'd like to get it cut. and then one of the girls started telling me about a cut that she thought would look cute on me and the other girl blurted out "you need everything, from top to bottom" and he started laughing. I was hurt but did not show it b/c we were in public, at a restaurant after all. btw he has this group of close female friends, all of which have significant others, and his reason for hanging out with them is to get me some friends!? (his words) He had started complaining that I have no friends...I told him..Yes I do, we are just not the type to go clubbing and whatever. I do not have a best friend but a large group of close friends and we all have busy lives. Whenever we do get together for an event or just to hang, my husband always flakes. or he goes and wants to leave 30 min later.
Also, I have confronted him about our lack of sex before and he said that he was bored. That he did not want to be that stereotypical black man with a fat white woman. He said "Why shouldn't I be able to go be with other women, because I'm married?" I said "Of course b/c your married!" to which all he had to say "well okay yeah"
He acts very immature....its sad b/c I am younger than him by 2 years and yet am light years ahead in maturity. btw I am 24.
My long-term girlfriend is beautiful and sexy. But she wants me around all the time. When I allow her to take all my space, it makes me feel claustrophobic. Failure to spend a few hours apart every week -- and I mean a few hours apart doing nothing, doing what we want to do, because time at work and social obligations don't count -- is the worst anti-viagra I know. And I'm... healthy.
If any of this sounds familiar, then I recommend you take the kids (you have kids, right?) and go to your parents' house for a weekend. Make it clear that you want him to do nothing while you're gone. No chores. Tell him he should order pizza, invite guys over to watch a game, and belch.
But if he's playing video games, take the xbox with you. Because...
#2 Is he playing too many video games?
In short, I love video games. I love them. My friends at work do, too. But if I play more than a couple of hours each week, my sex drive collapses, and I would rather masturbate than undergo the human interaction that sex involves. TV triggers the same response but isn't nearly as addictive.
My most ferocious sex always comes after a week where I've had time alone, been to the gym a couple of times, and been out with friends / engaged in extroverted activities without my girlfriend there -- and no video games. Those weeks are five-timers, hotel sex weeks, etc.
#3: Suggestion: Objectify yourself and ask nothing in return.
In my experience, and in my friends' experience, a bad sex life can become a vicious cycle. Often times, an under-sexed woman will try to initiate something, but it's clear she needs an orgasm. Sorry to say it, but that's a lot of pressure.
This is something women don't understand. They dress themselves in lingerie, which is incredibly sweet. But it's clear that they expect (or desperately need) mind-blowing, rattling-the-hotel sex. Sometimes the teddy comes with a lot of pressure on a man.
But sex begets a stronger sex drive. Chemically, ejaculating into a woman ramps up a man's testosterone production, which makes him sexier and hornier. (This explains the old saying that when it rains it pours.)
I recommend you tell him to ravish you just as selfishly as he knows how. The first time or two, he'll finish in less than a minute. When he's laying there, feeling guilty and un-manly because he came like a 14-year-old boy, tell him you love it when he pounds you. He'll begin to feel like he owes you, but he'll feel encouraged in his ability to love sex with you. So he'll begin working on pleasing you, doing situps, etc.
In other words, you might need to jump start his sex with a little extra sacrifice ("sacrifice" doesn't just mean "effort," mind you).
I agree with you in regards to not wanting to dress provocative in public. It sounds like he is looking for a trophy wife and you have too much dignity to lower your standards to gain attention in public. I feel you have a right to express your opinions without stepping on other peoples emotions. I feel it is inappropriate to ridicule you in front of others. Do you think that maybe he is more interested in women of his own etnicity?
Xander
1. This is a very valid point. Yes, I do think that he needs his space. I never thought about it like that....that absence can really make the heart grow fonder. (btw...we do not have kids)
2. He does not play video games, but he is a computer nerd lol. He works in the IT industry and is on the computer, reading studying etc, quite a lot. Right now he is studying for an upcoming certification test...and this may be wearing him out.
3. Suggestion...I like this idea, but he is kind of uptight when it comes to sex...like he doesn't like certain obvious things like handjobs...and it took me a while to get him used to me doing oral...he has tried oral on me a few times and is good at it but really has to be in the mood for it...which is understandable i guess. note: we were both virgins when we met and have not been with anyone else sexually. i've often thought he may harbor ill will toward me because he is not able to broaden his sexual horizons...i know i have felt this way but would never cheat on him. the sex we do have is more important to me than any one nighter....Also, every time we have sex I always come first...quite easily, sometimes before the actual penetration...it usually takes him 20 mins to come and at that point I can get bored and tired....???
Buzz:
I do not think that he is more interested in women of his own ethnicity...though his only other girlfriend was of his own nationality and race. Actually when he says other women: celebrities, models, are attractive they tend to be latino. (note: I'm white) I think what he is more attracted to is the obviously sexy girls, no matter race, who try too hard aka skanky lol
i feel like the only way for him to be more attracted to me is if i change my appearance..but i don't want to do that....i will do small things, but i can't change the big things because that is who i am - i couldn't even change certain things he doesn't like if i wanted to (for example, i am pale and he's told me to tan - i physically cannot tan, i've tried and only get burnt very badly...he wants me to lose weight to look skinny, i have gone on diets, eat better regularly, and lost a bit of weight but cannot change my body type - its not so much fat as curvy...big hips and butt that won't go away)...i mean at what point was he looking at me and seeing someone else and then finally see me as i was? i've always been white and curvy...how did he ever think i could morph into j.Lo?
You can't change your genetics. Your body type(Ecto,Endo,or Mesomorph) will always be the same. My wife tanned for years because she felt it made her look thinner. She is morbidly obese and thought tanning hid some of the fat. She is in her 40's now and has stopped tanning because it has caused premature wrinkling. Now she is thinking about botox injections. Perhaps you could ask him what originally attracted him to you and hopefully he will realize why he is married to you.
This is an ongoing problem for me. I try to not let it get me down, to not blame myself, but that is so difficult when my husband literally pushes me away. For example, tonight we are at home (its just us living in the house) and joking around about the show we are watching on TV. During commercial I go sit by him and kiss him, etc to initiate more. He starts to get into it, then says "No, I'm not drunk enough yet" (We were drinking wine.) I force myself to take that lightheartedly, only smile, and tell him to drink up. Well the show comes back on, and we both turn to watch it. Then another commercial break comes on and I start to put my hand on his shoulder again. He rolls over so that I can no longer sit on the love seat with him, then puts his knee in my back and takes my hand and holds it away from him. WHY do that? I ask "what are you doing?" He says "not now, go sit on the other couch" I'm like, okay thats fine but I was content just sitting over here beside you, you don't have to push me away like that. I give up and go to the other couch. Then the show comes back on and he starts playing with his phone, on some game making loud sounds. So I jokingly say, hey you better stop that or I'm coming back over there. He keeps on. So I get up to tickle him and he cringes. He says "Why can't you leave me alone" I say "Why are you being weird??" I go back to sit on the other couch for a while, then go upstairs. While I'm up here, he turns off the show he was so "interested" in watching and turns on the radio.
When I talk to him about this, he only says that I am making unnecessary trouble. I fear we will end in divorce, if only because I can't stand this rejection.
Hon, it sounds to me like he is being emotionally abusive and withholding affection from you as some kind of punishment. Google emotional abuse and see if this description fits. I'm going through the same thing, married four years and just finally realized what's going on.
Hon, it sounds to me like he is being emotionally abusive and withholding affection from you as some kind of punishment. Google emotional abuse and see if this description fits. I'm going through the same thing, married four years and just finally realized what's going on.
Hi Tired,
Curious about your plans to deal with this because withholding affection and sex is why my spouse is on her way to being a ex wife.
I said goodbye to our house in CT, two great cats, and a lot of my stuff on Nov 12, spent a week in Seattle with my son and his family, and now have been in SF for three weeks. The only reason I'll go back to CT is to appear in court and pack a little bit of my stuff up and ship it west.
Life w/o my w hoping she would be affectionate or show up is so much more pleasant than life with her. Since we didn't have intercourse for more than three years my sex life is only looking better, I've started dating.
It could be that he finds assurance with you being a pursuer in the relationship. Pushing you away and watching you come back to him is more exciting for him than pursuing you in return - which you deserve and need.
So, stop pursuing him. At first, nothing will change, then he'll notice, get mad and probably distance himself from you further. Stick to your guns, be loving, but don't pursue him. After he distances himself more and finds you are still not running after him - the tables will turn and he'll suddenly start finding you a lot more attractive. Just stay loving, happy, and respectful - but no pursuing him. Can you do that? It's hard, but worth the attempt, I think you'll be surprised how that might turn things around.
__________________ They say you are what you eat, so why not eat to promote passion, ultimate health and the utmost of sensuality? Plateful of Passion is The Guide to Creating Sensual Enhancement through your diet and how everyday foods can boost libido, and greatly improve your sex life featuring over 100 recipes!
Hon, it sounds to me like he is being emotionally abusive and withholding affection from you as some kind of punishment. Google emotional abuse and see if this description fits. I'm going through the same thing, married four years and just finally realized what's going on.
This makes perfect sense! The OP needs to learn to love herself. This is the only way that she will attract the love she deserves. She has handed her power over to a mean and narcisstic man. The OP is too young to be in such an unhappy marriage. Get out now and find yourself before you start another relationship. Posted via Mobile Device
Lack of sex in marriage 
They say you are what you eat, so why not eat to promote passion, ultimate health and the utmost of sensuality? 
