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Old 10-04-2010, 01:13 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

Quote: The needy, desperate version of me, was a huge turn off.

It happened to me as a huge turn off when I had given up my ex-husband and my love was dead. I'm happy now he has moved on his life and I wish him all the best and I will stay far away from him.

The needy version of my current husband only softened my heart. I will stop being mad at him as soon he shows me an innocent poor look because I still love him.

It's very simple. When a woman loves you, even you're a piece of wood, she loves you. When a woman doesn't love you, even you become a piece of gold, she's happy for you but she prefers to stay with that piece of wood. It doesn't make sense for men but it does make sense for women. "Love" is the key.
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Old 10-04-2010, 03:17 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLonely View Post
Quote: The needy, desperate version of me, was a huge turn off.

It happened to me as a huge turn off when I had given up my ex-husband and my love was dead. I'm happy now he has moved on his life and I wish him all the best and I will stay far away from him.

The needy version of my current husband only softened my heart. I will stop being mad at him as soon he shows me an innocent poor look because I still love him.

It's very simple. When a woman loves you, even you're a piece of wood, she loves you. When a woman doesn't love you, even you become a piece of gold, she's happy for you but she prefers to stay with that piece of wood. It doesn't make sense for men but it does make sense for women. "Love" is the key.
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MsLonely,
You've obviously some problems you're trying to understand and come to terms with.

ADestroyedMan is truly hurting, you're not helping him.

Bob
PS: He needs to talk with Men. That's why he posted in the Men's Clubhouse.
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Old 10-06-2010, 08:32 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLonely View Post
Ok guys. Allow a woman to share with you about cheating. You husbands might want to know some facts. First of all, cheating is never an easy step for women for it might take a long time struggling before your wife decided to cheat. By the time you found out, usually, she's been cheating for some time already. There're 2 different types of cheating in women perspectives. 1. She's unhappy with her husband for a hell long time and she's lonely. She DOESN'T want to get divorced because she still loves her husband as a family, not as her passionate lover.
2. She's in love with a man and she's ready to give up her marriage. She DOESN'T love her husband anymore, for kids reasons, she sacrificed herself in the marriage, sharing the same bed with a man who is the father of her kids. She DOESN'T love him anymore and doesn't want to be touched by him.
Both types of affairs have one thing in common, that is, it did take time before a wife puts cheating into action. She has thought over and over it and finally, it still took some time to plan for it. She always looked at you to see if she must do things in this way. Usually, by the time you find out, it's too late! It's very hard to find her passion back for you.
Besides, there's another type of cheating that most men have a better chance to get the wife back to love you faithfully - One night stand - this type of cheating was unplanned and it just happened. Usually the wife felt very sorry and regretful after such cheating.
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Thanks for your input, but sadly most men already know they are the different types/reasons of why women cheat. You just have to have self control. I'm sorry, but there's a lot of good men out here like myself who are married and we are getting the draws thrown at us almost daily... and we ignore it. If things are shaky, let's discuss it first, and if i refuse to helf rectify the situation, then leave me. Don't cheat and throw our entire family through pain.
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Old 10-06-2010, 10:40 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Okay, so far this thread is not very helpful to you. Cheating is tough. Women do it for a variety of reasons, all of which are selfish, and stem from an unwillingness to communicate or end things without creating a soft landing. But, hell, so do men.

Your question was: "Guys, if you've been through this, how do you quell the anger?"

Here's how. First, you make it you singular goal in life to BE OKAY, NO MATTER WHAT. When our women go crazy and hurt us, it is the biggest mind f*ck of your life, and the your feelings of rage, anger, sadness are all normal. The challenge for you now is to move past it and focus on YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.

You can't control her. The more you try, the less she will respond to you.

So how do you focus on YOUR OWN HAPPINESS?

- Exercise. Hit the gym, join a drop-in basketball, join the Y. Whatever it is, do physical things. These release positive endorphines, help you channel your energy into something good for you, and have the bonus of getting you out of the house.

- Diet. Eat healthy foods. Your body is a reflection of what you put in it. When my wife cheated and left, I smoked, drank, ate like **** for months, lost 25lbs, slept terribly, and was a zombie. It's not worth it. I just felt like sh@t.

- Understand that every word out of her mouth is self-justifying bullsh@t. She has acted like a 1st class c*nt. You didn't do anything to deserve it. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't let what ever lies, justifications, or whatever she spews turn you around on yourself. All marriages have problems. No one is perfect. The marriages that succeed, do so because the partners communicate with each other. They don't step out.

- Understand that "Affairs are a rebellion, and an attempt to find another version of ourselves. As Esther Perel puts it, 'it is not our partners we seek to leave but ourselves'." (Quote from Peter Fox, and excellent resource for info on this - Fidelity summary and internal links)

So her reasons have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. The other guy wasn't better/hotter/whatever. He was a piece of sh@t, f&cking loser who violated the brotherhood. He should have his balls cut off.

- Focus on things that make you HAPPY. It took me months to ever figure out what made me happy. I hadn't done things for myself in years. I realized, going to a movie alone was fun. Going for a nice lunch and people watching was fun. Getting a massage, felt good. Flirting with women was fun.

Figure out the things you like doing or always wanted to do and start doing them.

The more you get your own life in order, the more she'll notice and realize what an idiot she's been. This may or may not lead to reconciliation, if that's your choice, but you'll come out the other side way better off.

Be strong. Hope this helps.
This is a good post.

But, there's an element here that I think is missing.

The "rage" you speak of is a part of you. But, it's only a part.

The process of "setting aside" that rage will include going back in time to resolve those issues that have you working AGAINST yourself.

We all do it. People are their own worst enemies. We bring about what we fear by being reactive - instead of focusing like a laser on what actually works for us.

So, do the exercise. Do the diet. But, also do the mind work. In fact, the mind work may make the first two more effective. When you resolve your own issues, the rage will subside (almost like magic) and you will see clearly what you need to to.
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:34 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

Have sex with the same guy she's been pumping!
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Old 10-18-2010, 12:08 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

So sorry you are having to deal with this. SOme good advice here and some b!tching as well. Weed through it and find:

1) Dont go have revenge sex, it may be fun but if you truly still love her it will cause some inner conflict and why add to your already difficult emotions?

2) Decide if you want a divorce or not and then take your stance either way... you are not a "P" for wanting to stay married to the woman you love.

3) If you want to remain married you will need to focus on yourself in terms of changing the things that made your wife F some man other than you... and own your faults. If she was ok with you, she wouldnt do that... but if she was ok with herself, she wouldnt have either. The rest of the time (outside work) should be spent courting your wife as if you just fell in love with her... it is the only way to win back her affections, and her body into your bed. This is not to mean put on a P hat, just courting like getting her flowers and taking her to dinners and sending her love notes, kissing... some men make the mistake of taking on all the chores and basically letting the woman walk all over them. That is not what Im talking about. Just think what you would do if you just met and were crazy about her.... then do them.

4) Dont state any rules, we have to let go of the notion that we control our spouses... that may only lead to further resentment and having to court her longer.

Dont pay for her apartment if you do choose to divorce or even if you remain separated during this time... you have every right to set up that boundary. If you remain separated in space make it clear that means divorce. If she and you decide to work it out, she must move home, period. She doesnt get a free pass for an apartment to F somebody else on your tab... its all or none. But please remember to court her if you both decide on all, which I hope you do.
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Old 10-19-2010, 11:41 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

Sorry to hear you are going through this brother, been there done that. My wife had an EA/PA with a least two guys, the details of which are found in earlier threads of mine.

I am about a year on since I first filed for divorce and then reconciled. Still a work in progress with many bumps along the way.

That said, I can tell you that much of what Seeking Sanity said is spot on. It my seem counterintuitive, but trust me (us), groveling and making promises to change/etc only widen the chasm and turn her away.

With regards to how to deal with the anger, I found the following helpful:

1. Go to the gym...a lot. Commit to get in the best shape of your life. Not only will your wife notice, but so will others around you (women) . I was already a gym regular, but I took it up a notch as I did also w/my martial arts training - a great release for stress that comes with the added benefit of being good for you.

2. Go out w/friends. I found this to be an awesome distraction, especially when out w/people who didn't know about the problems at home. This annoyed my wife beyond belief, as she saw me resigned to the fact the marriage was over and yet I was out having fun...it never failed that she would call to check in on me at which point hilarity ensued because I seldom would answer the phone.

3. Did I mention going to the gym?

4. Confronting TOM (the other man). Many schools of thought on this, but I can say for me, putting the fear of the good Lord above in these guys was extremely therapeutic. Understand that I only did so months later and had already filed for divorce - it was something, as a man, I just had to do for closure (note: both of these offenders were married and were considered "friends"). Afterward, while almost feeling sorry for them, an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders. Nothing wrong IMHO w/going "old school". Approach w/caution.

5. Revisit old hobbies or pick up new ones. Do things you enjoy and do them often.

6. Read. Some of the infidelity/self-help stuff is a good place to start.

7. Counseling. While often draining, it is healthy to vent and bounce things off a professional. Shop for therapist/counselor as you would for anything else (word of mouth, references, etc).

8. Focus on your kids (if applicable). Honestly, but for my kids I would have followed through with the divorce. They were and are my anchor and remain a great mechanism for reducing my anger and making me smile.

Understand, I am not "anger-free" even after the passage of considerable time (year+), as I occasionally think about what my wife did...but I don't let it eat me up nor do I dwell on it...acknowledge it and move on. Know that things in the marriage, if you reconcile, will never me the same as she violated your trust and engaged in adulterous behavior, but know that you can fix this if you BOTH commit to doing so.

Best of luck!

CC
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Old 10-31-2010, 08:09 AM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

Ms Lonely,
Please see my threads:
Women who have cheated, Can you Explain extreme anxiety with just a touch

Texting reveals sexting

You seem to have similar feelings or experiences as to what I'm seeing with my wife right now. Can you comment on my first thread, please?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLonely View Post
Ok guys. Allow a woman to share with you about cheating. You husbands might want to know some facts. First of all, cheating is never an easy step for women for it might take a long time struggling before your wife decided to cheat. By the time you found out, usually, she's been cheating for some time already. There're 2 different types of cheating in women perspectives. 1. She's unhappy with her husband for a hell long time and she's lonely. She DOESN'T want to get divorced because she still loves her husband as a family, not as her passionate lover.
2. She's in love with a man and she's ready to give up her marriage. She DOESN'T love her husband anymore, for kids reasons, she sacrificed herself in the marriage, sharing the same bed with a man who is the father of her kids. She DOESN'T love him anymore and doesn't want to be touched by him.
Both types of affairs have one thing in common, that is, it did take time before a wife puts cheating into action. She has thought over and over it and finally, it still took some time to plan for it. She always looked at you to see if she must do things in this way. Usually, by the time you find out, it's too late! It's very hard to find her passion back for you.
Besides, there's another type of cheating that most men have a better chance to get the wife back to love you faithfully - One night stand - this type of cheating was unplanned and it just happened. Usually the wife felt very sorry and regretful after such cheating.
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Old 10-31-2010, 12:20 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob774 View Post
Thanks for your input, but sadly most men already know they are the different types/reasons of why women cheat. You just have to have self control. I'm sorry, but there's a lot of good men out here like myself who are married and we are getting the draws thrown at us almost daily... and we ignore it. If things are shaky, let's discuss it first, and if i refuse to helf rectify the situation, then leave me. Don't cheat and throw our entire family through pain.
Pain goes to both side. There's no woman in her right mind would get married and plan to cheat on her husband. Every woman cares & loves her husband the most. Every woman believes in fairy tales and want to have a happy life with her beloved prince, her husband. The moment she cheats was the moment she's no longer confident in pursuing happiness with her prince who ends up being a frog. Girls, all their lives, are dreaming about getting married and being a beautiful bride. If she must seek validations from other men, that means her own husband has put her in the back burner and he's not responsive and ignorant to her needs. Cheating is the result of an unhappy marriage. Don't expect women were born to be saints for men- No matter what, she should control herself, and she shouldn't leave you for searching for her happiness. Women nowadays are more independent and well educated. We don't believe in worshiping husbands blindly as 200 years ago.
There's no way women who plans to go away would look back shortly. You can still become more fit, charming & wealthy for yourself, and she would wish you all the best, but that's not the reason of her leaving.

Last edited by MsLonely; 10-31-2010 at 12:43 PM.
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Old 10-31-2010, 12:57 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

PA Cheating as I explained had many different situations. One of them, women don't want to leave family, not because they love to live in a cheating life. Most situations, it's because of kids so they can't leave, not because of you they can't leave. It's because other issues that they concern, not allowing her to JUST leave.
When she's sure everything is taken cared and kids are arranged properly. She would leave.
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Old 05-09-2012, 07:56 AM   #41 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MsLonely View Post
If she must seek validations from other men, that means her own husband has put her in the back burner and he's not responsive and ignorant to her needs. Cheating is the result of an unhappy marriage.
Yes she is right, I can tell you: I had a life long " cheaters are *******s, I would never cheat, they are the worst people, how can anyone do that, I would never ever, COULD never ever cheat..." mentality. Until after 8 years of marriage and trying so hard to fix our problems, mainly a lack of connection. We went to counseling, but he could never make the sessions. I tried talking, letters, books, dates, etc only to have H brush me off and dismiss our issues as 'nagging'- He never took me seriously. I worry that you right away , just like my husband does to me- dismiss what her gripe was ( being unemotional) as bull****. There you go. You just did exactly what drives us away- Dismiss us our needs as bull****.

I noticed about a year ago my mind start to change, slowly at first- I started finding other men more and more attractive. I started to dress up for the guys that work at the hardware store and other random places. Exciting things would happen in my life and my H was not the first person I wanted to tell- it was other male friends. I started fantasizing about random men during sex with H. I was ( and still am) starved for an emotional and loving connection. I'm sorry, but we, women, need this. It is A NEED. Before I knew it, I started full on thinking that I am owed an affair because H fails to meet my needs that I have expressed to him FOR YEARS- that he ignored. I lost attraction to him- and then lost love. I no longer look at him with lust or love and felt exhausted, sad, and upset about it.

Thankfully I haven't cheated b/c I had no opportunity in my small town. But it is frightening, terrifying how my mind has warped from years of neglect. I was the most anti-cheating person in the world. I swear I was. I would've done it had I a chance.

They say most women cheat for reasons similar to mine. They are trying to fill an emotional hole that they have tried over and over again to fill with their husbands. For the most part, it has nothing to do with sex.

I am trying to work out our issues with advice from TAM before anything gets worse. I see that of course, there are ways that I did not try to communicate my needs which I am learning.

I hope this was helpful in someway.
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Old 05-09-2012, 09:32 AM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ADestroyedMan View Post
Guys, there is a decidedly odious notion held by women that
we as men aren't emotional. I call bulls**t on that. After 10
years together, my wife decided to cheat on me for an entire
year. Sometimes she'd even f**k him in my own bed while
I was at work. My own bed!!

Now, I've moved on from being angry with her. She's still
my wife, and I still love her with every fiber of my being.
I don't trust her for sh*t, but I do love her. I found out
about her affair just last Friday, and we are getting a
divorce.

The hell of it is, I don't want the divorce. She says she
loves me, but needs to live on her own for a bit. I guess
the question I have for you guys is how do you cope with
the rage?

I'm okay with her living on her own. I've forgiven her for the
affair, as my behavior toward her often left her feeling lonely.
I never hurt or cheated on her, but I wasn't always as warm
and loving as I needed to be. She knew I loved her, but I
guess I didn't show it well enough.

So, when she's living on her own, she's going to have guys
over. I know this. I just can't stand the thought of it.
It's the only thing that's still driving me crazy. I can't tolerate
the thought of her with someone else. Guys, if you've been
through this, how do you quell the anger?
Didn't read the responses.

My answer is: You don't.

You allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, rage, despair, etc. As you're going through it, think things through. Why is it making you angry, why is it making you sad. Allow yourself to feel the emotions.

Understand that it's completely normal AND NECESSARY to go through all of it to heal. For the first few days you will be a wreck (like a little baby). Expect to be an emotional cripple for a while.

Once that passes, you find something that gets you through the day (new hobby, sports, exercise, whatever). Then every day you get a little better until you start feeling somewhat normal again.

Just understand that if you try to "stop feeling angry" or "stop feeling depressed", you'll just delay your healing longer and longer. Better to confront those emotions head on, explore why they are making you feel that way, and accept them.
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Old 05-09-2012, 09:59 AM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

I was just about to comment about: exposing her affair to her friends and family. However I just realized this thread has been necro'd, its old.
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Old 05-09-2012, 10:31 AM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLonely View Post
Ok guys. Allow a woman to share with you about cheating. You husbands might want to know some facts. First of all, cheating is never an easy step for women ...... Usually the wife felt very sorry and regretful after such cheating.
Sorry... t/j since it bugs me. Has it occurred to you that there are specific changes in society, particularly in women, about sexuality in general? There are a lot of women who don’t look at sex as some romantic deeper connection. They just enjoy it. Its something in their mind that is ok to do with someone you just sort of like. The guilt and shame is gone and sex has gone casual. Friends with benefits, booty calls, cougars, etc. There are some like my wayward wife that even form friendships with men, and its ok to have sex with them as a way of appreciation for making her happy. (This doesn’t mean they are dating or have that kind of relationship though). Fantastic at compartmentalizing that there is ‘her’ and there is ‘Mrs.’... these are just two of her roles that are separate in her mind. There is ‘her at home’ and there is ‘her not at home’. Two separate masks she wears. So, she regrets not understanding how what she did outside of home had such a dramatic effect at home....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ADestroyedMan View Post
I guess the question I have for you guys is how do you cope with the rage?
So, when she's living on her own, she's going to have guys over. I know this. I just can't stand the thought of it. It's the only thing that's still driving me crazy. I can't tolerate the thought of her with someone else. Guys, if you've been through this, how do you quell the anger?
You don’t quell the anger and rage. Embrace it. Hone in on it and reflect why you are feeling this. Use it to distance yourself and cut your emotional hose to this person. It must be done; bloody painful, but keep ripping at it. There is no reason at all to be ‘nice’. Float above it all and embrace your gut and insanity about the situation. And, one day, you’ll find you just no longer care whether or not she’s with someone.

She made a really dumb mistake leaving you alone. It is much easier to detach from someone ‘not around’ than it is with her reminding you of why you loved her by just being there. I’d go dark on her; No contact. It’s the appropriate ramification. You’ll break it, but just try to keep it down to coordination stuff; Don’t ask how she’s doing, don’t be her shoulder or rock. Let her live with herself awhile. And don’t worry... She’ll be snooping on you and hearing what’s going on with you; So don’t gloat or bring that up either.

So, what to do? Let that rage out... embrace it; this is now your friend and a source of immense power from within. I started working out, diving into hobbies and interest that she had made me feel guilty about. Since she’s gone, think about packing up all that silly girl stuff like throws and shams and create your own new man pad. Buy new clothes, get out with your buds and toss down a few. Meet new people. When you feel that anger coming on, use it as energy to motivate yourself to make YOUR life better without considering her. Practice moving on. Hell, I even picked up a PUA book called “The Game” and went through those exercises; mostly dealt with self-confidence stuff anyway... you’ll need it. I did mental stuff like pictured myself as a beat up old car and used my rage to start banging and beating it back into shape and something I’d be proud of.... Just do whatever it takes to find your pride in yourself, your home, etc. Don’t go turtle, don’t plunge down the rabbit hole, just fight for yourself.
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Old 05-10-2012, 02:57 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLonely View Post
Ok guys. Allow a woman to share with you about cheating. You husbands might want to know some facts. First of all, cheating is never an easy step for women for it might take a long time struggling before your wife decided to cheat. By the time you found out, usually, she's been cheating for some time already. There're 2 different types of cheating in women perspectives. 1. She's unhappy with her husband for a hell long time and she's lonely. She DOESN'T want to get divorced because she still loves her husband as a family, not as her passionate lover.
2. She's in love with a man and she's ready to give up her marriage. She DOESN'T love her husband anymore, for kids reasons, she sacrificed herself in the marriage, sharing the same bed with a man who is the father of her kids. She DOESN'T love him anymore and doesn't want to be touched by him.
Both types of affairs have one thing in common, that is, it did take time before a wife puts cheating into action. She has thought over and over it and finally, it still took some time to plan for it. She always looked at you to see if she must do things in this way. Usually, by the time you find out, it's too late! It's very hard to find her passion back for you.
Besides, there's another type of cheating that most men have a better chance to get the wife back to love you faithfully - One night stand - this type of cheating was unplanned and it just happened. Usually the wife felt very sorry and regretful after such cheating.
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Based on my experience with women, this is untrue. They need not be unhappy or discontent to cheat. Some just have a seense of entilement, just as some men do. Some just crave strange ****.
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