Wife's trust issues driving me nuts!
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation Wife's trust issues driving me nuts!

Sorry to rant but I have no outlet other than here. First, a little bit of background. I have been married to my wife for 3 years and have been with her for a total of 11 years.

Last year my wife told me that she didn't love me anymore and that she wanted to leave. I gave her that option and after a few trips to the marriage counselor she stopped going. At the meetings all she would do is complain about everything that I do that she feels is "fishy" or "weird" in a sense that she doesn't trust me. However, I never complained about anything and just let her talk. During my last meeting at the marriage counselor (when she didn't show up went to the movies with friends instead) the counselor himself said to me that she has some issues she needs to work out. A week later she came apologizing for the way she was acting for the past 4 months and that she loved me.

Presently we are together and a few months ago she had said that she wanted to have a child. We have been trying unsucessfully for the past 2 months and it might have been a blessing in disguise. She has repeatedly been getting really crazy (more than usual) with the nitpicking and the worrying that I'm not trustworthy. It's just constant and I can't take it anymore it happened again this morning and I was so aggravated I had to call out of work. I went into the shower this morning and brought my work clothes with me. When I came out of the shower she asked where my wallet was and I said that I had it in the bathroom because I was getting dressed. She replies that it is "weird" and what am I hiding so I give her my wallet and say here look at it I don't care. She says ok finds nothing and then asks if she can have my car keys to search my car. I finally said that this is going to far and that I'm not going to be treated like this on a daily basis. She storms out and goes to work.

So I sit down and think a little bit and think that I've been putting up with alot of stuff and I don't know how much longer I can do it. Things that really bother me are:

1. Constant distrust over everything.
2. Can't go out with friends (however she can) in fact I don't really have friends anymore because of her.
3. Can't talk to her family unless she's there (it's her family not mine). I don't really have a family so I'd like to think of them as family but she really won't let me.
4. She doesn't cook, clean, go grocery shopping. I'm not saying I want her to do these things all the time but a little help would be nice. I work full time sometimes 70 hrs a week and she has been laid off.
5. I don't have an opinion on anything. When she asks for my opinion I just get berrated for having an opinion that she thinks is wrong. So now I just don't have one anymore.
6. She can turn anything I say into an argument so I don't really talk anymore because I don't want to argue.
7. She says I'm selfish and antisocial. I bought a pack of gum last week and told her to try the new flavor and all I got was why didn't I buy her a pack too and that I'm selfish. I choose not to go out with her friends that don't even want me there to begin with and she says I'm antisocial.
8. I've been going to bed earlier and earlier just to get away from her because I don't want to feel the way she makes me feel.

Sorry for the long post and even this is just a partial list of things I just can't deal with anymore. Anyone have any suggestions?
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:14 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's trust issues driving me nuts!

yeah - two things... one: how's her self esteem? poor self esteem is a big nasty culprit in a woman's insecurity rampages. Insecurity combined with depression is dangerous and can seriously make a woman kooky. How do I know? been there!!!
two: when did the jealousy issues start? has she always been? fear of losing you and genuine love can ironically be the motivation behind her need to cling to you. How was her childhood? is she accustomed to people coming in and out of her life? she might have severe seperation paranoia stemed from a loss.
Have you asked her ways to help her feel more trusting of you?
working on taking better care of yourselves as a team might help boost her self esteem and thus help her feel more secure with herself & the marriage. Her jobloss probably hasn't helped and all this crap piled up has probably rocketed her stress levels. However, its unfair to take it out on you and it's making everything worse. She needs patience, understanding, support and affection right now but obviously you're rightly not feeling like giving her that (as u mentioned you're hitting bed early etc) your avoidance is going to piss her off even more. I know it sucks but if you can be the better partner and give her some support despite her crappy attitude then hopefully she will start to get better and balance can be restored. With her personality unfortunately you have to ignore her fire and not take it personally. If you kill her with kindness then she will HOPEFULLY feel her own guilt eventually for being so crappy.
One of you have to bend to get out of the vicious cycle - sounds like you're caring enough to be that person if you can believe her nagging truly isn't because shes unhappy with you as much as shes unhappy with her life at the moment.
Try to have a hard core eye connecting and compassionate conversation about love, forgiveness, happiness and teamwork. Tell her you noticed she doesn't seem happy and ask her how to change that.
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's trust issues driving me nuts!

Listen, this post, it is full of red flags.

Divorce, affairs, a miserable life.

Understand these words, because unless you are making some hard decisions and actions soon, they will become your reality.

1. Your woman, she is not respecting you.

2. She is not respecting you because, you are not acting to her like a man, you are acting like a boy.

3. The woman, in the relationship with a man she sees as a boy, she is going to be full of angst, perfectionist, nagging, insulting, full of resentment, seething with contempt, looking for a fight, zero sex, and she will continue on this way until this happens, she finds another man that lights her fire and makes her feel like the feminine woman again (and not like a mother), this is the affair man!

And understand this, if a woman is ever saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you", or she is saying "I don't love you", or she is saying "I need space", understand this even if nothing else, the affair man is not just around the corner, the affair man is at the front door and the front door is unlocked! BEWARE!

If there is an affair man in the picture, before anything else this affair man must be put out of the picture, the affair must be smashed!

This MUST be done if there is an affair, because if so then your woman is NOT going to be interested in fixing your marriage, she is going to be be only interested in the fun and romance and "emotoinal high" she is getting from the affair man.

The affair man, if he has come around, he MUSt be gone first thing.


ANd then regardless of affair or not, to turn this around, this is what you must stop doing!

You must stop appeasing and giving in to this woman!

You must stop any disrespectful talk from this woman!

You must stop this woman telling you what you "can" and "cannot" do.


And this is what you must start doing:

Do take ownership of your own happiness, from your own leadership.

Do start doing the hobbies, sports, or pastimes you enjoy doing, preferably something you are very skilled at. This boosts your confidence, and lets your woman see you in the light she saw you in dating, the good man skilled and talented, dominant, a winner.

Do take full ownrship of your physical fitness. Get to the gym, weights, running, whatever it is to improve your physical and mental sharpness and atraction.

Do take ownesrhip of your hygiene and grooming, to present yourself to your woman respectable at all times, confident, calm, sharp, well dressed, and looking good.

Do put all these together in this one package, and have this attitude and really GET good and presenting this attitude, that as the good man that could have ANY woman in the world, yet the woman you desire is YOUR woman.

Any attitude contrary to this, that you are "lucky" to have your woman, that you would "never leave" your woman, that you "don't look" at other woman, any attitude such as this, bury this in the deepest sea from your mind, they are relationship killers!

Confidence, boldness, edginess, dominance, even arrogance and extra willing to confront your woman when SHE is out of line or needs correcting (instead the other way around, how refreshing!).

Learn and unnerstand how such things are so very sexual arousing to your woman, and how being this way shows your woman she is not in a relationship with a boy, but a good MAN!

This is the way to get rid of angst and nagging and disrespect from your woman, and replace those feelings with respect and sexual attraction, as it was when you and her were dating and sex was on fire!

Learn to embrace conflict, confrontation, and become not just good at conflict, but the master of conflict.

Understand these things:

A woman, she will always resent a weak man.

A woman, she will always respect, an be sexual attracted to the man who is control of himself, and his environment, the dominant man.

FRom this minute on, not even that, from this second on, for the sake of your marriage, your happiness, and the happiness of your woman, you must get control of yourself and your happiness.

Your happiness, it must not come from anywhere or anyone else than YOUR own leadership and desire.

All good men reading this, never, I mean NEVER, stake your happiness on the approval or disapproval of your woman. This is leading to misery for you both.

Your woman, she does not want to be a mother to you, she wants to be on fire with sexual desire to a man that is his own man, the good man, who is happy and successful from his own leadership, desires, and appetites, and who finds her sexually desirable so much that he invites her into his happiness.

These tings, they are spoken to in much more detail in these other threads, so read them when you have time.

what's attractive...my wife's input

How About Them Apples?

These things, they take boldness and courage, but these things must be done to replace marriage misery with marriage bliss.

I wish you well.
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's trust issues driving me nuts!

Quote:
Originally Posted by looking4answers View Post
Sorry to rant but I have no outlet other than here. First, a little bit of background. I have been married to my wife for 3 years and have been with her for a total of 11 years.

Last year my wife told me that she didn't love me anymore and that she wanted to leave. I gave her that option and after a few trips to the marriage counselor she stopped going. At the meetings all she would do is complain about everything that I do that she feels is "fishy" or "weird" in a sense that she doesn't trust me. However, I never complained about anything and just let her talk. During my last meeting at the marriage counselor (when she didn't show up went to the movies with friends instead) the counselor himself said to me that she has some issues she needs to work out. A week later she came apologizing for the way she was acting for the past 4 months and that she loved me.

Presently we are together and a few months ago she had said that she wanted to have a child. We have been trying unsucessfully for the past 2 months and it might have been a blessing in disguise. She has repeatedly been getting really crazy (more than usual) with the nitpicking and the worrying that I'm not trustworthy. It's just constant and I can't take it anymore it happened again this morning and I was so aggravated I had to call out of work. I went into the shower this morning and brought my work clothes with me. When I came out of the shower she asked where my wallet was and I said that I had it in the bathroom because I was getting dressed. She replies that it is "weird" and what am I hiding so I give her my wallet and say here look at it I don't care. She says ok finds nothing and then asks if she can have my car keys to search my car. I finally said that this is going to far and that I'm not going to be treated like this on a daily basis. She storms out and goes to work.

So I sit down and think a little bit and think that I've been putting up with alot of stuff and I don't know how much longer I can do it. Things that really bother me are:

1. Constant distrust over everything.
2. Can't go out with friends (however she can) in fact I don't really have friends anymore because of her.
3. Can't talk to her family unless she's there (it's her family not mine). I don't really have a family so I'd like to think of them as family but she really won't let me.
4. She doesn't cook, clean, go grocery shopping. I'm not saying I want her to do these things all the time but a little help would be nice. I work full time sometimes 70 hrs a week and she has been laid off.
5. I don't have an opinion on anything. When she asks for my opinion I just get berrated for having an opinion that she thinks is wrong. So now I just don't have one anymore.
6. She can turn anything I say into an argument so I don't really talk anymore because I don't want to argue.
7. She says I'm selfish and antisocial. I bought a pack of gum last week and told her to try the new flavor and all I got was why didn't I buy her a pack too and that I'm selfish. I choose not to go out with her friends that don't even want me there to begin with and she says I'm antisocial.
8. I've been going to bed earlier and earlier just to get away from her because I don't want to feel the way she makes me feel.

Sorry for the long post and even this is just a partial list of things I just can't deal with anymore. Anyone have any suggestions?
Don’t know of you know about “psychological projection” ….

In Freudian psychology, Psychological projection or projection bias is a psychological defence mechanism where a person unconsciously denies their own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, such as to the weather, or to other people. Thus, it involves imagining or projecting that others have those feelings.[1]

Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted unconscious impulses or desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them.

An example of this behaviour might be blaming another for self failure. The mind may avoid the discomfort of consciously admitting personal faults by keeping those feelings unconscious, and redirect their libidinal satisfaction by attaching, or "projecting," those same faults onto another.

The theory was developed by Sigmund Freud - in his letters to Wilhelm Fliess, '"Draft H" deals with projection as a mechanism of defence'[2] - and further refined by his daughter Anna Freud; for this reason, it is sometimes referred to as Freudian Projection.

Above is from Psychological projection - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

With respect to your wife she may well have thoughts of being unfaithful/untrustworthy, doesn’t like those thoughts so she projects them onto you.

Bob
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's trust issues driving me nuts!

looking4answers

What BBW said is very true. Please try hard and be a man like that.

As a woman, I don't like weak man.

I seek strong men to protect me.

She is lazy. she takes you for granted.

If you tell her that you are going to end your relationship, she'll panic. She'll try hard to change herself and please you. But you have to be a strong man who she wants to keep first.
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Old 10-18-2010, 11:11 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's trust issues driving me nuts!

Lots of things to think about in the above posts.

First off there is no affair on either end (at least I don't think so)!
Second, its distrust on a massive level. My wife searched my pants this morning when I was in the shower and found change in my pocket. She wanted to know why I had change what did I buy to have change and things like that. It's driving me crazy!

It is true that I have stopped my photography hobby (wanted to become a pro photographer) when I used to get together with this photography group and she wanted to come. She said that if she can't go then I can't go so rather than deal with arguments I just stopped so now I have a $3000 paperweight of a camera because she doesn't like me pursuing my hobby.

Her grandma was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and sometimes I feel that is what I'm dealing with she can switch her moods in seconds. She was on medication for anxiety but I didn't really see a change in her behavior. Maybe it wasn't the right medication.

I try and try to get her to see that I can't be wrong or doing something "sneaky" all the time and that she needs to step back and think about it but she just says that I'm trying to turn it around on her when I'm the issue.

This morning I asked her what she was searching for all the time and her only answer was "I don't know but when I find it I will!"

She definitely doesn't trust me and I definitely don't let her walk all over me I tell her time and time again don't talk to me like that or I'm not going to let you treat me like that only for it to happen again and again.

I do think she might be unhappy but I'm not completely sure why. We own a house have a dog and at the moment aren't struggling due to her joblessness. I think she thought that she was meant for bigger things in life but since things didn't go the way she dreamed of growing up that she's searching for something bigger and better than me or what I can currently give her. Just a thought I don't know.

She has recently started sleeping over at her cousin's house at least once a week (Saturdays) who lives over an hour away not sure what to think about that either.
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Old 10-18-2010, 11:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by looking4answers View Post
Lots of things to think about in the above posts.

First off there is no affair on either end (at least I don't think so)!
Second, its distrust on a massive level. My wife searched my pants this morning when I was in the shower and found change in my pocket. She wanted to know why I had change what did I buy to have change and things like that. It's driving me crazy!

It is true that I have stopped my photography hobby (wanted to become a pro photographer) when I used to get together with this photography group and she wanted to come. She said that if she can't go then I can't go so rather than deal with arguments I just stopped so now I have a $3000 paperweight of a camera because she doesn't like me pursuing my hobby.

Her grandma was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and sometimes I feel that is what I'm dealing with she can switch her moods in seconds. She was on medication for anxiety but I didn't really see a change in her behavior. Maybe it wasn't the right medication.

I try and try to get her to see that I can't be wrong or doing something "sneaky" all the time and that she needs to step back and think about it but she just says that I'm trying to turn it around on her when I'm the issue.

This morning I asked her what she was searching for all the time and her only answer was "I don't know but when I find it I will!"

She definitely doesn't trust me and I definitely don't let her walk all over me I tell her time and time again don't talk to me like that or I'm not going to let you treat me like that only for it to happen again and again.

I do think she might be unhappy but I'm not completely sure why. We own a house have a dog and at the moment aren't struggling due to her joblessness. I think she thought that she was meant for bigger things in life but since things didn't go the way she dreamed of growing up that she's searching for something bigger and better than me or what I can currently give her. Just a thought I don't know.

She has recently started sleeping over at her cousin's house at least once a week (Saturdays) who lives over an hour away not sure what to think about that either.
She feels insecure. I don't know why she feels insecure. I don't know if you have done anything to make her feel like that or she is being paranoid.

My husband makes me feel very secure, he comes home right away, but your case is different. Was she being cheated before?

If she feels insecure for no reason, something is wrong, I don't know! Please talk to her! And I am sure you have told her that she is driving you crazy. She thinks that she has the right to do it since she is married to you, but she doesn't know that what she is doing is driving you away, that's not healthy.

Women tend to be paranoid!!!
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Old 10-18-2010, 01:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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lotta good fb - keep in mind not allll women want to be submissive puppets hiding behind captain macho and not alll men are captain machos. Some marriages are a balance of power while some are alpha male or alpha female based - it all depends on how two people mesh & what works for them to make them happy. The main big theme of looking's problem lies in the respect factor. Even if you are a submissive male looking, that's ok so long as you are happy & mutual respect is still present. Being submissive doesn't mean you're a big failure - it means that you could be a big giver. My husband usually takes the back seat in our marriage by choice because he swears to me he gets joy in pleasing me. BUT I feel a duty (because im not selfish) to still show him respect, appreciation and kind gestures (even if he won't always let me LOL!) =D hugs and hope you got some good brainstorming from all of our input!!! =)
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Old 10-18-2010, 01:34 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's trust issues driving me nuts!

To add to what others have said:

- Is your wife having an affair? Who knows. You don't think so. The fact remains as Bob and BBW indicated that the behavior she is exhibiting is extremely common. The partner having the affair becomes extraordinarily suspicious of the partner who isn't having an affair. Her trying to back away from "I don't love you." to "What was I thinking, I do love you." is a script often used to perpetuate an ongoing affair.

- She goes out with friends but won't allow you to? Sleeping over at her cousins house? Really? You just accept this is what is going on? Every week. An hour away. Gone for the night. No red flags in your mind?

- Her behavior is nowhere near the horizon line of normal. Why do you entertain it? How do you not laugh hysterically at her when she asks where the change in your pocket came from? Or even better, treat it as bizarre as it is and explain it's the change left over from your five dollar h00ker.

There are two options on the table:

She's very mentally ill, and you are enabling the behavior.

She's having an affair, and is justifying the affair by convincing herself that you aren't trustworthy and are probably cheating too.
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Old 10-19-2010, 12:07 PM   #10 (permalink)
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What your wife is exhibiting is abusive behavior, emotionally abusive behavior. IMO if a woman posted this, we'd all be screaming. First signs of abuse is isolation. Second is control. Will she be hitting you next? Who is to say.

One thing to say to yourself, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER FEELINGS OF INSECURITY, not can you fix them by appeasing them.

The only thing I can think might work is systematic and gradual limit setting. (I would say it would look a lot like re-teaching a recalcitrant child, but most people would think I mean punishment... so maybe I should not even go there.) Sit her down on a calm moment. Tell her that you feel her behavior demonstrates a serious lack of trust. You have done nothing to earn this lack of trust. The lack of trust is eroding your happiness, your peace and your relationship.

Tell her you plan to resume... innocent activity X whichever one will give the most immediate infection of joy. Maybe resume speaking / hanging out with friends and family. Then do it.

When she asks you why you have change in your pocket, honestly the best thing to do is look at her dumbfounded like she is out of her tree for such a retarded question. But that cat can't be put back in the bag. So maybe, where else would I put my change? The obvious implication being Oh For Pete's sake I bought a coke.

It sounds to me that in an attempt to be supportive and loving, you have inadvertently become an enabler perhaps even a victim. Might be interesting to do some googling on emotional abuse and controlling behavior. May get more good thoughts to chew on there.
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Old 10-21-2010, 01:24 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Your wife sounds just like my husband, won't do anything around the house, complains but won't go to marriage (I also go alone), turns everything into an argument, has 2 different standards (he can go on vacation with his friends but I can't even go to dinner with a girlfriend). Through years of counseling I am learning he has mental issues and I cannot do anything to change it. I am learning that maybe divorce is the only solution unless I can just live this way...and I don't think I can do this forever. I feel really bad for you, I feel the frustration. I just keep hoping I can get him to see what he is doing, but he is just so self-centered that he only sees what is best for him. Sorry I am not much help, but I do feel your pain.
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Old 10-21-2010, 02:59 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's trust issues driving me nuts!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
To add to what others have said:

- Is your wife having an affair? Who knows. You don't think so. The fact remains as Bob and BBW indicated that the behavior she is exhibiting is extremely common. The partner having the affair becomes extraordinarily suspicious of the partner who isn't having an affair. Her trying to back away from "I don't love you." to "What was I thinking, I do love you." is a script often used to perpetuate an ongoing affair.

- She goes out with friends but won't allow you to? Sleeping over at her cousins house? Really? You just accept this is what is going on? Every week. An hour away. Gone for the night. No red flags in your mind?

- Her behavior is nowhere near the horizon line of normal. Why do you entertain it? How do you not laugh hysterically at her when she asks where the change in your pocket came from? Or even better, treat it as bizarre as it is and explain it's the change left over from your five dollar h00ker.

There are two options on the table:

She's very mentally ill, and you are enabling the behavior.

She's having an affair, and is justifying the affair by convincing herself that you aren't trustworthy and are probably cheating too.
The partner having the affair becomes extraordinarily suspicious of the partner who isn't having an affair.
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Old 10-21-2010, 03:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's trust issues driving me nuts!

You want to be the same. You want to suspect her every item and every behavior, so you will find incredible evidences breaking your glasses.

Women are excellent in hiding their affairs.

We observe your life and his life in details, we carefully plan a timetable to meet our affairs, we organize things well in daily life as a perfect cover and we clean up all the traces.

By the time you found out her affair, she's been having her affairs for a long time already...

Unless, she is the one who tells you about her affair, otherwise, it's very hard for men to detect or believe what's behind their being suspicious - Her being suspcious to the extreme, is a part of her plan making you mistakenly focus on her insecurity and worrying about she doesn't trust you, so you won't have time to question if she's the trustworthy one, and you won't suspect that she is actually the unfaithful one.

It's a delusion that a cheating spouse tended to create, especially when the cheating spouse is a woman, it's almost impossible for you to catch her red handed because it's all well-planned by her.

Why it works like that?

Because most men grasp "main ideas" and neglect "the details" so they leave the details "unplanned" and easy to catch.

Thus, it's much easier for women to catch cheating husbands because most women look into details.

To prove your wife is having no affair, you will need to look into details- her schedule.

For example, when she tells you that she'll be in "a place" with a girl friend on Friday and you have a suspect on her words. Don't show her your suspicious face. You want to make a plan to find out the truth.

You want to go to that place before her and hide yourself at a good spot in "that place" that allows you to see if she really shows up with a girl friend.

Also, if you want to drive, make sure you also hide your car properly. (details)

When you see something wrong shows up. Call her without telling her you're also in that place. Ask her "Where are you? and what are you doing?" So now you can understand if she's telling you the truth.

You just need to catch 1 lie, which means there're more than 100 lies behind.

So plan for the "catching monkey" carefully and keep things look normal, pretend it a normal day that you need to go to work, you talk and laugh as usual otherwise she can detect your thoughts and minds easily.

She's having her affairs. When 3 people told you, you don't want to believe, but when 10 people told you, you want to find out the truth.

Last edited by MsLonely; 10-21-2010 at 03:49 AM.
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