Hi, I have posted before on the general chat. Short history, dh and I have been married for 4 years, together for 5. We have had our ups and down. Our last down was him having a mini breakdown and telling me that he didn't love me, he couldn't work, be a husband and a father...it was too much work for him. Well, a few days later he was very apologetic about those comments and thing have been pretty good ever since. I love my husband more than anything. I love my family more than anything.
So, here's where I need advice. Lately my dh has been in contact with his ex gf. They live 4 hours a part so they just chat on line. I have voiced my concerns about this but he still chats with her. Tonight I received a call from a friend telling me that the ex told her that while chatting with dh, dh told her he is still in love with her and that he thinks they should have never broken up. I believe this friend. I'm not sure if i believe what the ex told her but I am still extremely hurt by it and confused. Why would she tell this to her friend if it wasn't true...why would she make that up. I asked dh about it and of course he denied it but I don't know if I believe him. this friend offered details of events that took place while they were "chatting" about this that really happened. I just don't know what to do. I am broken hearted.
"him having a mini breakdown" if he's in a state of really heavy stress i reckon even he doesn't know what he's thinking. On top of that, i've noticed that people generally associate their house and family with the "source of stress". that's what men are working for, pulling for...so sometimes they have this impression that the only peace and romance they can get is outside their marriage because it's a problem and stress free area. I hope what i'm saying makes sense to you and you can relate to that.
Now, i don't know if this advice will work because i'm not a trained psychologist or psychic. But it might help if you acted more like a girlfriend than a wife, meaning that every time he comes home try to be more loving, more fun, more youthful, full of energy and enthusiasm. This kind of behavior is generally contagious and it might help lift his mood for starters. After that he'll probably start seeing you with "new eyes", like he used to when you guys fell in love. He might end up being happier to come home, work will seem easier, no more problems ...no more need to seek stress-free zones outside the house. I don't know if this will work, but you won't have anything to loose from it either.
When he contacted her the first time, she either said something he desperately wanted to hear or a fond memory was resurrected. So naturally, he kept going back for more. Maybe he sees this as a safe place to feel like an alpha male, sorta in keeping with Nekko's theory. Even though the W and I get along great, there are many times when I don't feel like a man around her-I feel like an overgrown kid that's always in the way, and maybe that is what caused, or at least contributed to, your husband's mini breakdown. He may have felt inadequate and not enough of a "man" towards you, and one of his first instincts was to run. Maybe you can help him feel more confident by trying some of the things that Nekko suggested.
And as far as the contact with ex: it is very inappropriate, and if you want him to stop, you must tell him that's what you want.
The chat is on Facebook and he always closes it and logs off(thus deleting any chat history) I emailed the ex today and asked her if it was over and she admitted to still being in love him but that she would never make an advance at him because of me. She told me that she didn't know why he was acting the way he is and that she was sorry about everything. She never confirmed what he had told her. All of this happened shortly after his mini break down. I'm not sure why his feelings for her resurfaced but he did block her from his facebook account and his phone. I asked her to have enough respect for our marriage to do the same. I still have my doubts about all of this and feel extremely uncomfortable about everything. I got a babysitter for tonight and I am hoping that a date might bring back a sense of security for both of us. I know I need one right now.
Still extremely confused and hurt but him breaking off all communication from her is a step in the right direction....Right?
Anytime your spouse hids something from you that is dubious behavior. You are his wife and if he cannot share whats going on with you then he should not be talking to her at all. Demand he end it or you will leave.
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Re: Needs a man's point of view(or anyone)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JLH3
Still extremely confused and hurt but him breaking off all communication from her is a step in the right direction....Right?
Yes it is a step but it needs to be permanent. Your husband is likely involved in an emotional affair with this woman and an EA can be devastating to a marriage. Just as much as a physical affair. Read up on Emotional Affairs so you understand what you are dealing with. All contact must stop and the two of you should concentrate on your marriage. Any time an affair starts there is usually something the wayward spouse is getting from it that they don't perceive they are getting at home. Love, understanding, ego strokes.....
Wife found ex on Facebook. Became an emotional affair that lasted 11 months. Ex came into town and it became physical for 1 encounter. I suspected something. Confronted wife. She admitted. Told her we were done. She attempted suicide. 2 days in emergency room, 5 days in psych hospital, 5 days in detox, 60 days in rehab away from 3 young kids, 2 months in outpatient. $60,000 out of pocket. Now unisureable. The past 6 months have been torture for me, trying to get over the pain of her infidelity.
So, if you're asking what to do, END THE CR*P with the ex NOW or be prepared to suffer immeasurably!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a bit of a stab in the dark, but I still have "fantasies" about getting in contact with an ex on FB, and having them tell me that I was THE ONE, and the one that got away (never did, never will-I am a NC/bridge burner). Maybe he wants to contact her so that he can feel that he is still a good guy and desirable, especially after the breakdown.
Needs a man's point of view(or anyone) 
