rome2012

My husband of almost 11 years wants a divorce due to several reasons and me ignoring the seriousness of them....

1. my money management & debt (main issue, but I'm working on it with his help)

2. me not bettering myself job wise (very hard, because I've never done anything else really than what I'm doing now and they usually ask for a degree or at least experience in other jobs)

3. me not going back to get another/different degree (working on it too, but it's a little more difficult since I'm not American)

4. the house being messy (that issue is solved...)

5. too little sex (issues has been solved too )

6. he never admitted to this one really, but according to hints he's given me I assume that my changed appearance (gained a LOT of weight) has been an issue as well

Now, as stated I've been working hard on most of the issues, but one is really hard for me....

The appearance issue....

I've lost some weight already and do pilates at home.....but it's not showing really....

I love to swim and when I was younger I maintained my se**y body with it and going to the sauna on a regular basis (and the saunas in Germany are nude saunas )....

Anyway, I went to a fitness center to check it out and it has everything I want and need to get my old body back...or at least get close to it (hey, I've had 2 kids)....

I'm doing good with my spending now, and dh and I are on a pretty good term now (sex and all) but I don't know if he will go through with the divorce or not....

I would love to join the fitness center but it would cost $ 75....it wouldn't really increase my spending, because I save $ 100 since I get a lower daycare rate now that I've worked there for 3 years....

I just don't know if that would set dh and I back....if I was sure he still wants to divorce me I'd be joining tomorrow, but since I don't know I am hesitant....

He would probably say that the elliptical that we have is enough, but I hate that thing.....

I want to go to this gym to be attractive again, but I don't want him to say "she hasn't changed one bit (about the spending)"....

What do you think about this....what would you do ???

Deejo

Discuss it with your husband. If he supports it, great. If he does not, then for now, make due without a gym. Let him know that you were hesitant to bring it up, as you didn't want it to be perceived as simply more spending. Include him, instead of wondering if you should try to get it past him.

takris

With all of his reasons listed, its not hard to see your husband's issues as being more than a little uncaring, but I also wonder if he is saying that you are unmotivated in general. Regardless, it would certainly help if he were to be more constructive, but I applaud your efforts.

My wife and daughters use a treadmill, exercise bike and my gym (I've slowly built a commercial gym over thirty years - the relocation guys hate me when we move with my job), but their favorite routine that really works for burning calories are the exercise videos. Over time, they've built a good collection for mixing and claim that there are so many types that they could pick and choose from. They add light dumbells on some for muscle building since I remind them that a muscular body burns more calories.

With all of these issues he has identified, if you are trying to address them, focus on balance after the initial enthusiasm. Develop a system that is practical, and not obsessive. Give yourself some off days and downtime, else you could burn out.

Mom6547

In my opinion, fitness needn't cost a lot. And in my further opinion, it is nearly impossible to lose weight without diet modification. So what I would do wrt appearance:

- Chose some kind of weight management "diet". I find this one
Home-Cooked Diet Meal Plan with Once-a-Month Cooking very convenient. There are free online calorie counting sites like fatsecret and sparkpeople. Some of them have groups and forums for support. There is no need to spend money on a weight loss program like weigh watchers or jenny craig IMO. Feel free to message me privately for some actually food ideas. I have been on a healthy eating journey for a few years. I lost ... not sure how much weight. From size 16 to size 6!

For fitness, if it were ME, I would invest in a couple of decent pieces of clothing. Running is free and VERY effective cardio. You likely will have to start very slow and short. But since you are going for lifestyle change and not quick loss (I HOPE!), starting short and slow will decrease the chance of burn out. My fitness routine would also include videos from Netflix and/or the local video rental store. I like dance videos. And yoga is VERY good for you. It is important for weight loss and general health to do weight bearing work. People think that cardio is all that is important for weight loss, but that is a mistake. When you build muscle mass, you increase your body's at rest metabolism. You burn more calories just being. Also it is very good for prevention of osteoporosis. There are a lot of great exercises that require no weights! Air squats, lunges, crunches, planks, pushups... Go over to spark people's website. They have lots of exercises listed.

IN MY OPINION, making fitness and eating changes are going to impact any other change you chose to make. You will start feeling more energized. As you see progress in your fitness, whether in terms of losing weight or progress in your fitness journal, you will start to feel better about yourself and your power to do things.

I wonder about your husband wanting you to change basically everything about yourself. But if you are currently overweight, I believe success in that area will be good for YOU regardless of the outcome of other things.

Good luck to you!

Mom6547

Oh since I like the topic of fitness, I could go on and on. If you want actually fitness equipment, and are in the USA, find your local freecycle group. We have gotten lots of good equipment that way. People decide to get in shape, buy stuff, then lose interest...

Chris Taylor

I guess the question is that since you have addressed the five issues he specifically said mattered (money, job, school, housework and sex), where does he stand now? The weight issue wasn't specifically mentioned and I would certainly do something about it just for yourself, but now that you have addressed everything else is the divorce still on the table?

COGypsy

In all honesty, if your husband brought all of this up on Labor Day, and now it's Halloween....you're talking about changes that have been going on for 2 months. Which is great...but not a long time.

I think that given that, it would probably look like you're backsliding on spending (and I say that as a person who's major weakness is in that area too!). And $75 is a lot of money to spend on something if you're trying to pay off debt--it could make a visible chunk on paying down a credit card every month! You also have to think about all the temptation you're going to have coming up in the next couple of months with the holidays. Probably not the best time to add another bill. Plus, what's really likely to happen is that no matter how much you love swimming, this is a super busy time of year with holidays and all the stuff that goes with those; and then gyms suck in January and February, so now you're paying for a membership at the hardest time of year to use it consistently.

What I would suggest is making this fitness center membership a reward for yourself. Pick something big. I don't know what would work, but maybe if you don't overdraw for 6 months, or pay off $xx amount of debt or lose 20 pounds on your own....whatever. But put it out there to motivate you to keep moving forward and then you can look at doing that when things are a bit more settled. Plus you've got something to keep you going when you hit a bump (or a long flat boring spot) in making all these great changes.

And remember, weight loss is a function of more calories out than in. Diet first, then increased activity. Pilates is healthful, but you aren't going to lose weight doing it, it just doesn't do a lot to burn calories or to promote long term calorie burn. But there's lots of great ideas here and all kinds of other stuff out there you can try at home in the meantime too.

Good luck!

Mom6547

Oh and wrt to money, have you looked at Total Money Makeover? The author would approve if you got it from inter-library loan, if not available at your library!

Rob774

Should you or should you not do what? Join a gym?

I'm kinda a lost here. Seems like to me your husband has a long list of things you need to do better to save your marriage. Is this like an ultimatum? Call his bluff and remind him on how much he'll have to pay for child support.
Lose weight when you are ready to.

If he complains about the house being messy, hand him a broom!!!

If he complains about s3x, tell him to last longer, and perhaps you'll be more interested.

I don't know seems like a lot of your issues can be dealt with very easily if your man is understanding enough.

rome2012

Thanks Deejo......I'll have to think about talking to him.....

When we talked about it (before the Divorce bomb) he said he would totally support me going to the gym and even pay for it, but now I don't know if he still does.....I'll have to see....

rome2012

Thanks Takris......Yes, over the last 10 years he's figured out that I'm a rather unmotivated being....unless it's something I'm absolutely crazy about....like my children for instance...

My husband has the elliptical and a gym thingy (with weights and such) but I hate the elliptical because the motion is not smooth and it starts hurting my knees after only a couple of minutes....

The gym thing is not accessible because of all the crap on it our friends are "storing" here (in the garage)....

I think I will pull out my collection of exercise dvds first....

rome2012

Thanks vthomeschoolmom.....

I already am losing weight through "diet"....I'm not depriving myself of anything, just eating smaller portions and not eating after 6 pm......

Running is a big problem for me....I have very big OO and they hurt soooooooo bad when running....and I haven't found a sports bra good enough to support them yet.....

It's not like my husband wants to change the whole me.....he wants me to change the things he knows would make my life a lot better....

He knows I have potential to have a great life....I mean, look at my ability to speak English....I've had 2 years of English in school where I knew more English than the teacher....I basically taught myself....and people tell me all the time that they would've never thought I was German (no accent...nothing)....

I'm only a preschool teacher....yes, it's my dream job, but it is way underpaid and especially in Texas it's got to be the most stressful job, because our student/teacher ratio is ridiculous....

rome2012

Thanks Johnnyburst79.....My husband has a little belly but otherwise is very muscular....

He is a police officer and has to be fit....he's grown this little belly over the last year or so, because of a knee and back injury and the developing depression....

And no....he's not pressuring me into losing the weight.....I want to change....

I've never looked the way I do now and I HATE it....it started with coming to the US and having fast food and grocery stores available 24/7....

I will admit though that I'm hoping my husband will fall in love with me again when I'm close to my old self again....but mainly I'm doing this because I want to change....

rome2012

Thanks Chris Taylor....I'm not really sure....

I do not want to address the D-topic since I'm hoping to buy some more time to convince him I HAVE changed (his therapist told him I won't change anyway if I haven't changed over the last 10 years).....

Does this makes sense ???

rome2012

Thanks COGypsy.....you are right about paying off the debt first....I totally agree...this is my main focus right now anyway....but....

My husband is a very sexual person...when he first met me he said he could not believe that a hottie like me (back then ) would be interested in him....when we had sex all the time he was in heaven !!!!! This is a very important thing for him.......

He's told me he only lasted this long with me because we had sex after our fights over the money issues etc.....otherwise he would have probably ended it sooner...

So it is important to turn into the the old and sexy me again and going to the gym and swimming and using the sauna is helping a lot with it....

But you are right....I will try to use my resources at home first and when either the divorce is off the table or it is finalized I can still join it.....