r2d210

MarriedWifeInLove.....long story, but the short of it is....I've been a doormat for 20 years! This is what happens when your a doormat for 20 years!

Bob, thanks for that. Your absolutely correct on the emotional buttons. Wheither she is doing it on purpose or not, I don't know. But, I have learned that because sex for me has been the highest form of acceptence, I will do anything to ensure she is happy, to try to manipulate the next sexual encounter. If she is not happy, that means "no sex for you!" (Seinfield....only no soup for you!) So, I listen to her words, and read into them. If I walk in the door and she is unhappy, I'm bummed....that means no sex! Not ANY MORE!!!!! I'm free....and I'm so excited. I don't want her affirmation....and I don't need her approval! The concept of that is amazing to me. It don't mean I love her any less....but she cannot control me with words or emotions. I won't have it! GP, I can only wish....!

greenpearl

Bob,

Yesterday you mentioned that men are also vulnerable, and there is no way to show, or when you did show, your wife didn't take it the way you would have expected.

I think this is one spot a lot of women don't understand men either.

I had been a housewife and now I am a working woman.

When I was a housewife, I really didn't understand anything about pressure and stress at work, I had no clue. I couldn't understand anything what my EX was going through. He told me he was not happy at work, I got nervous and insecure. I didn't know how to comfort him. I didn't have any ability to give him support. The only thing I could do was worry and it made our life worse.

I have been working for eight years, now I have been through the dark side of working culture. People fight for power, people fight for position. In a school, the fighting is not fierce, but it is still going on. The good thing about being a teacher, I can ignore my co-workers and just focus on my students, there isn't much team work. But knowing that others are fighting secretly with you, the feeling is not good.

The most important thing here is, when my husband talks to me about pressure at work, I understand it. When he talks about insecurity, I can understand it. When he needs support, I can give it to him.

That's why now I support women go to work. When we are working, we understand men's pressure better. When we are working, we can provide a sense of security for our family, too.

I don't know if your wife was working or not. It is just my opinion.

greenpearl

R2,

You just mentioned the most important thing, you are free from her control now, hooray!!!!!!!! That's going to give you a lot of confidence, and in the end, it is going to make you a man she craves. But still don't forget to show her appreciation, though. That can really make a woman feel nice, at least for me, when I do something nice, and my husband acknowledges it and gives me good comments, I am always happy, and I will make sure I do a better job next time. That's me, everybody is different.

AFEH

That’s a pleasure R2 I was wondering if I should post or not. As you said previously most of our behaviour has its routes in our childhood. At some time in our life we get to chose who we want to be although I think it more or less impossible to break away completely from our childhood. I think the best way of choosing who we want to be is via our personal boundaries.

I don’t want to patronise but you sound like you are doing very well. You may well get setbacks but that’s all part of the process. You never know you may even witness your wife breaking away from her childhood as well.

Bob

Trenton

I'm beginning to see the start of a new book...Marriage Success with the Support of TAM

Conrad

Simply Amorous,

I firmly believe that if all the attractive young women who get dogged for sex by their spouses could peer into a crystal ball and look ahead 20 years, they'd behave quite a bit differently.

By the time you "need him", you'll have trained him not to "need you".

Good luck with that.

MEM11363

R2,
I have no idea if your W's question about a HJ was a "trick" question. What I do know is that I use terminology that is honest/accurate and seems to work well for W as she has adopted it over time. I say "I want to connect with you tonight". I always use the word connect. Because that IS what I want. Orgasms are quick and easy. In fact - because connecting IS what I want I almost always turn down an offer of a "quickie" in the moment and wait until that night or the next night when we will have at least an hour.

But this next bit is completely non-obvious so I thank my lucky stars I married someone who was willing to teach me the rules of engagement.

She likes the idea that we are "connecting" and we are. But she is NOT a fan of slow gentle sex most nights. So the connection is best for HER when I am alpha/in control and sometimes even rough with her. I am just as happy with gentle as with rough. Just as comfortable being beta as alpha. So the bedroom alpha stuff is something I learned to get good at for her.

And the funny/odd thing about all this is she NEEDS a certain amount of "alpha" behavior from me in and out of bed. When I am clever about it I give her the right amount proactively. When I am not doing that she fitness tests me. I do not respond to fitness tests in order to get laid. I respond to them because I have zero tolerance for boundary violations. This sometimes means 3-4 days of carefully polite, but chilly interaction until someone says uncle. I have never once apologized in our marriage because I wanted to resume having sex. I always apologize if I believe I am at least 50 percent at fault.

>>>>>>>>>>>>
Apologizing when you are the injured party, in an effort to get laid is an oxymoronic act of self castration.
>>>>>>>>>>>>

Trenton

M,
You never answered. What would your wife think if she read all you posts?

AFEH

That's pretty deep Conrad. How many times have you lived lol.

Bob

SimplyAmorous

Yeah, I agree with this! I was very blessed /lucky. But I will never take all the blame for our lagging sex life by any means--if he had known & lived Big Bad Wolf's advice (especially all that jealous pursuing stuff he talks about) or MEM's (outrightly telling me he NEEDED more) & many on this forum & used this behavior on me - or even was a little like myself -- he would have gotten ALOT more -this I have no doubt. He was too self-less, too quiet about his needs / desires. I even masterbated while he slept sometimes cause I didn't want to wake him up, feeling he might prefer his sleep! Half the time I woke him up - when I told him this years later about secretly masterbating ---He was shocked !! If only, when I did wake him up, he would have been MORE VOCAL in saying "OH baby, you can do this any time, wake me up more!!" -- (He felt this way but failed to express it to me), had I had such a response, I would have NEVER went solo again. Heck, I questioned HIS sex drive !!!

Sadly, alot of missed opportunities / unspoken desires, we are both guilty. We've come a long way, we always openly talk about sex NOW. It is all gooooooood.

I have alot to teach my daughter someday about men, about pleasing their husbands. I doubt she will marry someone as laid back as her dad though, very very few like him out there.

Conrad

My ex rationalized in much this same way. She figured I was just a "nice guy".

She was wrong also.

I wonder if she'd woken me up if we'd still be together.

Apparently, I needed my second wife to wake me up.

And, she has done so - in more ways than one.

Conrad

I think she'd likely read until she got to the one where he says he "won the marriage lottery" and then invite him to bed.

SimplyAmorous

Conrad, you are outrightly dumping on me ! That is alright, I can take it. I know we often speak out of our own experiences.

I seriously doubt you are anything like my husband, I am sure you expressed much more in your marriage and that is a good beautiful thing!! I am sorry she didn't respond more. I seriously doubt I am anything like your X.

Just reading your posts chokes me up, that is how much I care about my husband. If he left me over these things, well , how pathetically sad that would be. If he was a poster on here (he has no care for forums & writing) he would surely express that he , too, is guilty of not communicating better. Someone on here told me my husband is probably a "Good" guy, not necessarily a "Nice" guy.

I am very sorry for your experience. Sounds like you have moved on very well. A women to revive your drive. Good for you!!

I am one who does not always advocate for spouses to stay- no matter what -because of vows, etc. If you have tried it all to no avial, the communication & forgivness has been put out there & it is still MISERABLE, and one is suffering - I think many marriages should SPLIT, go & find a more compatible lover, by all means.

You've done just that !

Trenton

I said some honest and great things about my husband but he still feels critical of the process overall.

MEM11363

T,
Sorry - travelling this week - I didn't mean to ignore you.

I have said all this stuff to her at one time or another. And she has read a sample of my posts. She agrees with my take on things.