OhGeesh

The relationship you have with your husband sounds very much like the marriage I have with my wife (without so much spanking and hair pulling) We discuss we don't fight..... I can count the times on one hand we've actually fought aka yelled and said hurtful things in our whole marriage. There is no it's my way or the highway mentality. I know when to trust her she knows when to trust me it's joint.

We share everything dreams, passions, opinions, work load, chores, child rearing, very few gender specific roles at all, I do control the finances other than that we are equals.

As far as the sex it's awesome and frequent, but if I slapped my wife on the ass, pulled her hair, and was "rough" all the time, she would be pissed. We've discussed this and it makes her feel like a piece of meat. Every once in awhile it's fun though!!.......to be honest she hates the spanks, but does put up with it :-)

greenpearl

Congratulations!

greenpearl

My husband has earned my trust by being 100% faithful to me. I am also 100% honest with my husband. We love each other, we respect each other, and we cherish each other, both of us know not to take the other one for granted and both of us know it is important to please the other one first. Neither of us take each other for granted. It is all based on understanding, mutual love, and respect.

I understand that a lot of western women don't like the spanking. I think a lot of eastern women won't understand the fun either. Women had been victims of the society for too long, they view it in a different way rather than sexual arousing and fun.

I am different. I am different in many ways. I don't mind my husband watch porn, I watch porn with him together. I don't mind my husband check out women on the street, I check out women with him together. Since I don't mind all these things, my husband actually doesn't do these things often. He doesn't find porn necessary anymore. I don't think there are many women on the street can turn his head. He watches people just to study their behavior, that's it.

It is related to confidence, security, and satisfaction.

BigBadWolf

This conflict and confrontation, sexual friction, fitness testing, it is not merely for the purpose of winning and losing at all.

For the woman, it is her needing to experience the kind of man she is in the relationship with, his masculinity.

Do not confuse this conflict with debating, or logical discussions, or some conflict or challenge that is exactly what it is at face value, as an example, if the man was physical abusing his woman, or the woman was unresponsible with money, the conflict from these scenarios is of course is not sexual and not what I am speaking of.

But these things you share about your relationship, that your husband is not afraid to challenge you when you are being "silly", or he is not afraid to pinch or spank you, or be "naughty" with you.

In this way, it is indeed conflict and confrontation, absolutley, although perhaps you are clearly enjoying the dynamics and do not see it as conflict.

But imagine if your man was not doing these things, if you were being "silly" he either did not notice, or not seem to care. And he would not be playful or willing to spank or pinch you or be "naughty" in bed, as if he was unwilling or afraid to make you mad, and unwilling or afraid to disagree with you, but was only telling you things that he thought that you wanted to hear, even if they were less than honest.

Imagine living with this type of man. Would you not be interested to stop this kind of behavior from him, and insist that he treat you with honesty? How would you do this? How would any woman do this?

She will do this with fitness testing.

This is the conflict and confrontatation that I am speaking of.

__________________
Decide what to be, and go be it. -Avett Brothers.

Nekko

My theory : you're really close to someone. Maybe in some cases it's a bit boring, comfortable but not especially erotic. then you have a fight. You both stand your ground (aren't rude and yelling curse words but do disagree and are passionate about your opinion) and slowly but surely you feel a bit further away emotionally from your spouse.

You're not smooching lovebirds anymore, you're two strong people challenging eachother. As there's a bit of a distance between you too, the natural response (for some people, not all), is to want to get close again. So as you gain that distance, you gain attraction which pulls you closer to that person again. Spark,..and bam...sex. Like when you try stretch something....it gets longer and stretches further then when you let go it tightens again.

Some people hate conflict though. My husband is one of them. If we fight that means sex is the last thing on his mind. We have to get along, love and respect eachother for him to be attracted. That's probably because he kept seeing his parents fight and his mother miserable when he was a kid.

Oh yes, and disagreements remind you that you don't own the person next to you or his/her mind. That also helps fight off some boredom, the taken for granted feeling etc. But yes, i agree, conflict, if done properly is sometimes exceptionally good for a relationship.

And what BBW said too, since he posted right as i was posting this.

__________________
- When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another. -

greenpearl

If that is what you are talking about.

Yes, it is very important.

I was just talking to my husband today, I said a smart woman needs a smart man to lead. He can help her become smarter. My husband is never afraid to correct me when I am not behaving properly. He will always correct me when I talk silly. He is making me try hard to improve myself.

I had a yes man before, I was beautiful and smart, he didn't dare to correct me, he didn't dare to make me upset(actually he upset me even more by not knowing what I wanted), he didn't do anything naughty, I thought that I married a man who was strong and smart, it turned out that I was fooled by him. I became stupid after a few years with him. I lost my attraction to him, I chose to leave him even though I lost all the material stuff. I was so unhappy and emotional void that I was willing to give up everything.

If that's what you are talking about, Yes, definitely.

Spanking, being naughty, pinch, attack suddenly.......they are all fun. Just today came back from school, while going upstairs, from behind, I reached up between his legs and grabbed his cocc. Then he sneaked behind me and tried to do the same thing, I had to sit on the stair to protect me.............I call that play, I call that teasing, in this regard, my husband and I are playmates.

I think English is my second language, I get lost quite often. I have to try very hard to understand what is going on. So please bear with me when I ask silly questions.

greenpearl

Nekko,

I respect my husband even more when he tries to correct me. We used to fight, he wouldn't give in to me. He told me: woman, if you are wrong, then you are wrong, I am not going to say you are right. I would struggle and fight at the beginning, but after the fight, I would ponder what he said, and what he said made sense, then I would pay attention to that and work on that, make sure that I don't make the same mistake again. He told me that I seldom apologized, I told him " Yes, I did, my way of saying sorry is to keep quiet", he said: that's not enough, you have to speak out. woman, admit it when you are wrong, don't be stubborn." Now, if I do something silly, I apologize right away. Many events like these happened before, I often lost, he usually won.

I think I really thank my husband for standing up to himself and didn't give in to my woman stubbornness.

He made and he is making a woman he loves!

nice777guy

Just now playing catch-up and this caught my eye. Some of the best advice I've ever read here. The word Love becomes so meaningless over time - like asking people how they are doing when you don't really care.

Think I may try that this weekend - go the whole weekend withoug saying the word "Love", yet finding other ways to express it.

nice777guy

As for the relationship between friction/conflict and passion - seems to me like we are most passionate about our marriages when we are angry or sexually charged.

I've always thought that the opposite of Love is Apathy, not Hate.

Anger = passion

Someone mentioned make-up sex earlier. Been awhile for me, but I do have memories of some great make-up sex from our earlier years together.

nice777guy

Trenton - are you saying that if your husband were to go "toe to toe" with you, that you would NEVER back down? Sounds like you wouldn't even consider his position, or whether he is right or wrong.

You would be willing to end your marriage to preserve your pride or your standing as the Alpha?

Am I reading this right? What am I missing?

greenpearl

I still view this man up.

I view this men need to stand up for themselves and don't give in to their women.

My husband has passed his fitness tests if I did have the kind of tests you men mentioned.

We are all peaceful now. We know what we like and what we don't like.

I know that I can't do this or that since he won't like it.

I know what to do to make him happy.

I didn't like the argument we had at the beginning of our marriage. I don't like to get upset anymore.

I don't test my husband anymore. What I want the most is love, passion, and sex. And we have all these.

I am trying to learn to achieve peace, happiness and confidence by studying wisdom.

r2d210

BBW, thank you. I hope this is true. I think it will be.

UPDATE!
First off, I want to thank all of you! For the first time I can see what I have done to lead to this. It's the "classic" nice guy syndrome. Working to be nice, frustrated it doesn't work. I'm beginning to understand why I'm frustrated, and I'm no longer fearing her or the outcome. I'm going to be a new person, starting now.....confident, strong, alpha and secure. I look back and she has told me this over the years. I just didn't understand....I didn't know. My dad never taught this....he has been married and divorced three times and now lives alone, still wondering why.

1. I stayed late at work last night. I txt my wife and told her I was closing and I would be late. I didn't offer an explanation.... ( I want to create the distance....and be mysterious)
2. We had a meeting that we both had to be at last night. I txt her and told her to meet me there. Normally, I would have gone home to get her. Again, no apology or reason.
3. Later last night, she asked me a question about my son. He wanted permission to go over to some friend's house. I very quickly and sternly answered and I didn't ask her for her opinion at all. My answer was authoritative and decisive. I made the decision.
4. I will be running tomorrow during the day. I'm very excited.
5. I spoke to her respectful, and I waited for the fitness test. It didn't come, but it will. I will be ready....
6. Thismorning, I got up an hour early to go into work. I didn't tell her this last night.

Conrad, BBW, MEM, GreanPearl......thanks so much. You have literally changed my thinking and I will be forever a better person because of it, regardless of the outcome.

Question: Two years ago, I played on a softball league. It consumed almost every week night with games and practice. One night, while laying in bed, she unloaded on me. It was too much for her, I'm selfish, I'm inconsiderate to expect her to follow me all accross town. I work all day, come home, eat, change cloths, get home at 10:00 and expect sex! So, what did I do? I quit the team. Stopped it immediately. She later came back and told me to play again....but I was so mad from that experience of her yelling, and the hummiliation for me having to quit that I have never played again. I know now that I should have immediately addressed her and continued to play. But....here is what is hard. To pick a hobby that demands so much time that you literally place more value on it then her....how do you balance that and still be in control and dominate? Sure, I can just do it...and in my own fear, I think she would be mad enough to walk on me. (Maybe not) Her reaction often is, "well, I'm going to get a hobby and be gone all the time too!" Again, the type of conflict I have in the passed cowered on. It's good to be individuals, but at what point does it pull you apart and not together. Should I expect her to latch on to me and follow me and my hobbies all the time?

Again, thanks so much...this thread is amazing....

I will keep you updated!

bumpgrind1

Wow! This thread has really wandered. I had a similar relationship as the op with my wife for a long time. Then she stopped doing anything. I did the laundry, the cooking, the shopping, everything while she sat on her hind end doing nothing...for years! My fault 100%! I never stood my ground on any of it because I didn't want the fight. Finally I told her that our relationship was nearing a fork in the road and if she chose my path she needed to help carry the load. I explained that a relationship, marriage, parenting and everything else between two people is like carrying a big heavy log. If the two people involved each carry one end and do their best it's not really such a burden. But if one of them no longer helps carry the load, he or she needs to step away because there will eventually be someone that will help.
We don't each carry the load the same way but we each do our best. I still do lots of the household chores but she does lots of them too. When I don't do something the way she want's she can tell me and either I'll work on my method or she can do it. If either of us spill something though it's understood that it will be cleaned up now not later. We talk with each other not to each other. This means that if one is on a rant and the other can't get a word in it stops! We walk away and come back later with a fresh start.

BigBadWolf

The update is appreciated, and heartening to hear!

Many other good men, they will benefit from you sharing exactly these things.

Exactly, and I wish you the best.

Continue in this way, respect goes up, resentment comes down.

And this is the way to marriage happiness.

As you live your life in your own leadership, respect will increase.

With increase in respect, communication between you and your woman, it will be as two adults, and not a nagging woman speaking to a child.

This is just the point, that in this way, if you choose to do a hobby that is going to be so time consuming, then if it is a problem your woman will communicate to this to you properly, and you can then work it out as adults.

As well, from your own leadership, you will need to of course make decisions that will benefit yourself and the relationship and balance these things.

But do this as a man, as an adult, making decisions from your own choosing and happiness, and not reacting or appeasing your woman, which only builds resentment and kills respect.

Idealy, you may find that as your relationship improves, and sexual and emotional connection skyrockets, maybe you are not wanting to be away from your woman every week night!

Move through your life, and live your life in your own leadership and choosing, and invite your woman into your happiness.

Sometimes this happiness is going to be your woman joining you in your hobby, sometimes this happiness going to be your woman being apart, maybe doing something she enjoys. And when you come together, you may each share with one another your experiences.

A man who has his own interests, this man is interesting.

I wish you well.

__________________
Decide what to be, and go be it. -Avett Brothers.

seeking sanity

Here's a thing to be mindful of: All this alpha stuff is good, but part of that is being deliberately loving to your wife through out the day. A big gripe from women is that their men ignore them all day then turn on the charm when they want sex. It's a huge turn off and you communicate that she has no value other than sex.

How this relates to your hobbies, is you make sure through out the day you flirt, tease, flatter your lady. Kiss in the morning, text in the mid day, tell her she looks hot, etc. You make this part of your every day life to build her up, her confidence... If she's feeling loved and desired and well treated, then your hobby time becomes less of an issue. The b*tching is a clue she isn't getting something.

Dominance is being in control of yourself.

Keep in mind too, that the b*tching means she cares about you and wants something to change but doesn't know how to ask for it. When the b*tching stops, assuming nothing has changed in the relationship, you have a real problem, because then she has truly checked out and the next step is infidelity, divorce, or both.