This gets reiterated all of the time, but necessarily so.
She is attaching fear and consequences to your decisions, and you buy it.
If your wife is prepared to leave you because you play softball for 10 weeks, is that really a marriage you want to be in?
You said it earlier. Right now you live your life as an accessory to her life - and one she isn't all that pleased with, at that.
The purpose of taking control isn't about seizing control from her. It's about taking control of yourself. Your life. Your decisions. If she wants to come along, great - that's what she agreed to when you married. You simply haven't done it yet.
Eliminate the fear. It has no place in how you choose to live your life or the decisions you make. And it needn't mean that you put her down. It only means that you find your own sense of self, your own comfort, confidence, and satisfaction ... that is in no way dependent upon what your wife threatens or insinuates as to how you should feel or respond.
It's your own 'code of conduct'. Sometimes your code may be completely in alignment with your spouse. Other times, it will mean clearly stating, and if necessary, defending your boundaries, without fear of repercussions.
BBW, thank you. I hope this is true. I think it will be.
UPDATE!
First off, I want to thank all of you! For the first time I can see what I have done to lead to this. It's the "classic" nice guy syndrome. Working to be nice, frustrated it doesn't work. I'm beginning to understand why I'm frustrated, and I'm no longer fearing her or the outcome. I'm going to be a new person, starting now.....confident, strong, alpha and secure. I look back and she has told me this over the years. I just didn't understand....I didn't know. My dad never taught this....he has been married and divorced three times and now lives alone, still wondering why.
1. I stayed late at work last night. I txt my wife and told her I was closing and I would be late. I didn't offer an explanation.... ( I want to create the distance....and be mysterious)
2. We had a meeting that we both had to be at last night. I txt her and told her to meet me there. Normally, I would have gone home to get her. Again, no apology or reason.
3. Later last night, she asked me a question about my son. He wanted permission to go over to some friend's house. I very quickly and sternly answered and I didn't ask her for her opinion at all. My answer was authoritative and decisive. I made the decision.
4. I will be running tomorrow during the day. I'm very excited.
5. I spoke to her respectful, and I waited for the fitness test. It didn't come, but it will. I will be ready....
6. Thismorning, I got up an hour early to go into work. I didn't tell her this last night.
Conrad, BBW, MEM, GreanPearl......thanks so much. You have literally changed my thinking and I will be forever a better person because of it, regardless of the outcome.
Question: Two years ago, I played on a softball league. It consumed almost every week night with games and practice. One night, while laying in bed, she unloaded on me. It was too much for her, I'm selfish, I'm inconsiderate to expect her to follow me all accross town. I work all day, come home, eat, change cloths, get home at 10:00 and expect sex! So, what did I do? I quit the team. Stopped it immediately. She later came back and told me to play again....but I was so mad from that experience of her yelling, and the hummiliation for me having to quit that I have never played again. I know now that I should have immediately addressed her and continued to play. But....here is what is hard. To pick a hobby that demands so much time that you literally place more value on it then her....how do you balance that and still be in control and dominate? Sure, I can just do it...and in my own fear, I think she would be mad enough to walk on me. (Maybe not) Her reaction often is, "well, I'm going to get a hobby and be gone all the time too!" Again, the type of conflict I have in the passed cowered on. It's good to be individuals, but at what point does it pull you apart and not together. Should I expect her to latch on to me and follow me and my hobbies all the time?
Again, thanks so much...this thread is amazing....
I will keep you updated!
Rd,
I am excited for you, but I don't want you to get too exuberant and to "spoil for the fight" so you can test your wings.
Here's something you can to to MAKE SURE you don't jump in and make a fool of yourself when you sense trouble.
There are several phrases that force the other person to show their hand.
One of them is, "How did this get so big"?
Another is, "Where are we headed with this?"
Still a third... "I'll need a few quiet moments to collect myself before we discuss this."
And finally... "How is this helpful?"
These serve as a call to accountability. If she insists on pushing past these phrases, it means she's working to grind you down and it's time to test your wings - secure in the knowledge that you know what's up.
Remember, the confident man need not antagonize to get the true fitness test. They are coming. You just need to be sure it's the real deal before you implement.
Trenton - are you saying that if your husband were to go "toe to toe" with you, that you would NEVER back down? Sounds like you wouldn't even consider his position, or whether he is right or wrong.
You would be willing to end your marriage to preserve your pride or your standing as the Alpha?
Am I reading this right? What am I missing?
This might sound wrong but I don't know. It sounds so ridiculous but there are times when I'm at my worst that I feel that way. It's not that I haven't considered his side but that he is unwilling to change at all and without that change I ask myself if I can stay.
BBW, thank you. I hope this is true. I think it will be.
UPDATE!
First off, I want to thank all of you! For the first time I can see what I have done to lead to this. It's the "classic" nice guy syndrome. Working to be nice, frustrated it doesn't work. I'm beginning to understand why I'm frustrated, and I'm no longer fearing her or the outcome. I'm going to be a new person, starting now.....confident, strong, alpha and secure. I look back and she has told me this over the years. I just didn't understand....I didn't know. My dad never taught this....he has been married and divorced three times and now lives alone, still wondering why.
1. I stayed late at work last night. I txt my wife and told her I was closing and I would be late. I didn't offer an explanation.... ( I want to create the distance....and be mysterious)
2. We had a meeting that we both had to be at last night. I txt her and told her to meet me there. Normally, I would have gone home to get her. Again, no apology or reason.
3. Later last night, she asked me a question about my son. He wanted permission to go over to some friend's house. I very quickly and sternly answered and I didn't ask her for her opinion at all. My answer was authoritative and decisive. I made the decision.
4. I will be running tomorrow during the day. I'm very excited.
5. I spoke to her respectful, and I waited for the fitness test. It didn't come, but it will. I will be ready....
6. Thismorning, I got up an hour early to go into work. I didn't tell her this last night.
Conrad, BBW, MEM, GreanPearl......thanks so much. You have literally changed my thinking and I will be forever a better person because of it, regardless of the outcome.
Question: Two years ago, I played on a softball league. It consumed almost every week night with games and practice. One night, while laying in bed, she unloaded on me. It was too much for her, I'm selfish, I'm inconsiderate to expect her to follow me all accross town. I work all day, come home, eat, change cloths, get home at 10:00 and expect sex! So, what did I do? I quit the team. Stopped it immediately. She later came back and told me to play again....but I was so mad from that experience of her yelling, and the hummiliation for me having to quit that I have never played again. I know now that I should have immediately addressed her and continued to play. But....here is what is hard. To pick a hobby that demands so much time that you literally place more value on it then her....how do you balance that and still be in control and dominate? Sure, I can just do it...and in my own fear, I think she would be mad enough to walk on me. (Maybe not) Her reaction often is, "well, I'm going to get a hobby and be gone all the time too!" Again, the type of conflict I have in the passed cowered on. It's good to be individuals, but at what point does it pull you apart and not together. Should I expect her to latch on to me and follow me and my hobbies all the time?
Again, thanks so much...this thread is amazing....
I will keep you updated!
I hope this works for both of you and in the end you find a great balance that makes you both happier.
I have my doubts but it will depend on your wife. I can tell you flat out that it wouldn't work for me and I'm a woman. I would do what you fear your wife is going to do and I would pull away equally from you, but I might very well do it in a very cruel manner as I would see your behavior as a betrayal of our relationship and a desire to get away from me. Again, I am just being honest here. I do recognize if it works for all these men so it might have some truth to it for many women.
Here's a thing to be mindful of: All this alpha stuff is good, but part of that is being deliberately loving to your wife through out the day. A big gripe from women is that their men ignore them all day then turn on the charm when they want sex. It's a huge turn off and you communicate that she has no value other than sex.
How this relates to your hobbies, is you make sure through out the day you flirt, tease, flatter your lady. Kiss in the morning, text in the mid day, tell her she looks hot, etc. You make this part of your every day life to build her up, her confidence... If she's feeling loved and desired and well treated, then your hobby time becomes less of an issue. The b*tching is a clue she isn't getting something.
Dominance is being in control of yourself.
Keep in mind too, that the b*tching means she cares about you and wants something to change but doesn't know how to ask for it. When the b*tching stops, assuming nothing has changed in the relationship, you have a real problem, because then she has truly checked out and the next step is infidelity, divorce, or both.
This might be the absolute key. In pulling away from her also pull her close when you are with her so that she doesn't see you as pulling away from the relationship. This might create the balance that is needed and allow her to see you as confident as well as loving.
Trenton, understood. There has to be an alpha establishment for me....simply because she has never seen it. That being the case, I don't know how she will react. I'm tired of being a doormat and living a lie. I believe she loves me, I do! Once she knows where I stand, the ball is in her court and how she chooses to react will be up to her! My intention for this estabishment is truly out of love. I love her so much I want to save this marraige, but I'm willing to take what I get. Her dad has never stood up to her mother.....they are celebrating their 45th next month. It's sad, and I don't want to be them. Im guessing she will view me as cold, mean and insenstivie, initially, but then she can choose. I belive once she knows my heart is to take back control, or at least make us equal, she will understand and comply. Worst case, we separate.....but if you would have lived with her for the last 20 years....I think most of you would have left long before now. I think I would have been in a different place had I been man enough to at least stand up for myself!
What I wish I could do....risking being tacky here, but I wish I could hang out with BBW, Conrad, or even your husband Trenton. Just to see how they deal with daily stuff. Honestly, if my wife could see how you treat your husbands, I think it could positive. I will look for positive role models for this. I think it can't hurt. I will look for men who are respected by their wives...., but honestly, off the top of my head, I can't think of any! I can think of many more men who the women control. It is a product of our society and I'm so guilty of allowing it to happen. Its shameful, and like many of you have pointed out....how can my W respect me if I don't respenct myself. I know one thing, I get more respect from work...! My boss is very dominate. My wife thinks he is a jerk! (Of course!) He reminds me of Bob, where it's his way or the hwy. I think that what the men here have shared is very close to where I need to be. Fair, balanced, positive, in control emtotionally, and demanding respect.
r2d210 - I'd encourage you to read the book No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover. You'll get some insight into where this nice guy behaviour comes from. It will challenge you to confront some of the not so nice things behind it.
What I wish I could do....risking being tacky here, but I wish I could hang out with BBW, Conrad, or even your husband Trenton. Just to see how they deal with daily stuff. Honestly, if my wife could see how you treat your husbands, I think it could positive. I will look for positive role models for this. I think it can't hurt. I will look for men who are respected by their wives...., but honestly, off the top of my head, I can't think of any! I can think of many more men who the women control. It is a product of our society and I'm so guilty of allowing it to happen. Its shameful, and like many of you have pointed out....how can my W respect me if I don't respenct myself. I know one thing, I get more respect from work...! My boss is very dominate. My wife thinks he is a jerk! (Of course!) He reminds me of Bob, where it's his way or the hwy. I think that what the men here have shared is very close to where I need to be. Fair, balanced, positive, in control emtotionally, and demanding respect.
R2 you have me very wrong but no matter. Just stop being a *****.
R2, when you look back on this phase in your life in 10, 20 or 30 years time you’ll more like see it as the biggest life changing process you’ve taken your self through. Life is a journey. It is in my mind more important to enjoy the journey as it is to enjoy the destination. Bon Voyage!
This might sound wrong but I don't know. It sounds so ridiculous but there are times when I'm at my worst that I feel that way. It's not that I haven't considered his side but that he is unwilling to change at all and without that change I ask myself if I can stay.
Trenton - I like you - it seems like you are here for the right reasons - but you sound like you're as stubborn as a mule!
What I wish I could do....risking being tacky here, but I wish I could hang out with BBW, Conrad, or even your husband Trenton. Just to see how they deal with daily stuff. Honestly, if my wife could see how you treat your husbands, I think it could positive. I will look for positive role models for this. I think it can't hurt. I will look for men who are respected by their wives...., but honestly, off the top of my head, I can't think of any! I can think of many more men who the women control. It is a product of our society and I'm so guilty of allowing it to happen. Its shameful, and like many of you have pointed out....how can my W respect me if I don't respenct myself. I know one thing, I get more respect from work...! My boss is very dominate. My wife thinks he is a jerk! (Of course!) He reminds me of Bob, where it's his way or the hwy. I think that what the men here have shared is very close to where I need to be. Fair, balanced, positive, in control emtotionally, and demanding respect.
This is a good observation.
The role models, or behavior, would be ideal to see. But careful that you understand all this, the irony of all this maybe, that these structures are real, the cause and effect is real, the unmentionable sex and reckless intimacy are within grasp of any good man that chooses to grasp it.
But the point of all this, for you, the good man, to become your own leader.
You are the good man your woman has fallen for, do not lose sight of this, never forget this, think of her as your biggest fan, because she is!
Do not believe even for a second you trying to become some other man.
If you see in hindsight your reaction to some fitness test is less than stellar, so what?
LIke learning a new musical instrument, practice again and again until it flows naturally, then just forget everything you studied tediously and practiced with deliberation, and instead use the instrument to speak what is in your core as if you were simply born playing like a master!
Fitness test, millions of men come and go on this earth never realizing the concept of fitness test their whole life. How far ahead of this are you now than so many other men that would given so much to even understand half these things?
Your woman, when she fitness tests, she is not fitness testing to see you fail, she is testing only to see the mettle of the good man she fell for.
Remember this, and behave only in this way, no other.
Pay not much attention to the words, but pay attention to your attitude and behavior, calm, confident, in control.
And make it your practice to discover and demonstrate from your own initiative ways to show your masculine mettle and dominance. This will reduce fitness testing, because when you do these things, there is no need.
Text message your woman your intense sexual desires.
Every day make it a point to communicate with your woman at least one success in your life. A success in your career, in your hobby or interest, some goal you have reached at the gym, etc.
Reduce the word "love" from your vocabulary, and subsitute with more detailed expressions of affection and desire.
Reduce the phrase "I'm sorry" from your vocabulary. Diminish the automatic apologies and deferments from day to day communication. An apology from you, if and when it happens, then there is no doubt it is genuine and sincere and it WILL be noticed.
Compliment your woman by complimenting yourself. "Aren't I quite an exceptional man for attracting/winning/f_cking such a beautiful/sexy/hot/desirable woman as yourself?" Find humorous and CREATIVE ways to communicate these type of feelings and attitude to your woman in some way every day.
Do something to give your woman something to complain about. The running, some other hobby, spend a little money now and then, come home a little later without saying so, give your woman a slightly ironic compliment (use humor!).
These types of suggestions, the good man that implements these sorts of actions and behavior and attitude, they are as passing fitness tests without waiting for them to appear.
What I wish I could do....risking being tacky here, but I wish I could hang out with BBW, Conrad, or even your husband Trenton. Just to see how they deal with daily stuff. Honestly, if my wife could see how you treat your husbands, I think it could positive. I will look for positive role models for this. I think it can't hurt. I will look for men who are respected by their wives...., but honestly, off the top of my head, I can't think of any! I can think of many more men who the women control. It is a product of our society and I'm so guilty of allowing it to happen. Its shameful, and like many of you have pointed out....how can my W respect me if I don't respenct myself. I know one thing, I get more respect from work...! My boss is very dominate. My wife thinks he is a jerk! (Of course!) He reminds me of Bob, where it's his way or the hwy. I think that what the men here have shared is very close to where I need to be. Fair, balanced, positive, in control emtotionally, and demanding respect.
It is a difficult balance and one that is always a work in progress. You can't find happiness unless you are willing to fight for it but my caution is to also be flexible.
My parents have a similar relationship as your wife's parents. Married 42 years in April and my very likable father is a slave to my very overbearing mother or at least this is how it always appeared to my sister and I. I once confronted my father on this and he told me that I've no idea how wonderful, beautiful and kind my mother is or I wouldn't ask him any questions about their relationship. He told me flat out that the one thing he can give her is comfort with herself and he wants to do that, has never thought of leaving or trying to change her and understands that when she feels like she is in control she feels safe and safety & love has always been what he has been able to offer her. He told me that their shared life together is the one thing that has always brought him joy. He actually said the word joy...
I'm watching their dog while they go for a weekend out in NYC and they left just a few minutes ago with her bickering over the fact that he didn't wear a suit jacket. It was comical.
I don't know if this is how your wife's father feels but I think the intricacies of a relationship cannot be summed up by the outside. Keep this in mind. There is a reason they're still married. I never saw my parent's relationship the same since I had that conversation with my Dad a few years ago and truly, I admire him and my mother.
It is a difficult balance and one that is always a work in progress. You can't find happiness unless you are willing to fight for it but my caution is to also be flexible.
My parents have a similar relationship as your wife's parents. Married 42 years in April and my very likable father is a slave to my very overbearing mother or at least this is how it always appeared to my sister and I. I once confronted my father on this and he told me that I've no idea how wonderful, beautiful and kind my mother is or I wouldn't ask him any questions about their relationship. He told me flat out that the one thing he can give her is comfort with herself and he wants to do that, has never thought of leaving or trying to change her and understands that when she feels like she is in control she feels safe and safety & love has always been what he has been able to offer her. He told me that their shared life together is the one thing that has always brought him joy. He actually said the word joy...
I'm watching their dog while they go for a weekend out in NYC and they left just a few minutes ago with her bickering over the fact that he didn't wear a suit jacket. It was comical.
I don't know if this is how your wife's father feels but I think the intricacies of a relationship cannot be summed up by the outside. Keep this in mind. There is a reason they're still married. I never saw my parent's relationship the same since I had that conversation with my Dad a few years ago and truly, I admire him and my mother.
I was just thinking what a shame it is that our best role models - our parents - hide so much from us as kids. Most of us have no real idea how marriage should work until we are knee deep into it.
I think it would be easier to have a clinical discussion with children about sex than it would be to discuss with them how to deal with marriage - the raw attraction, passion, compromise, conflict resolution, reality, apathy, lust, anger, temptation, etc.,
Re: Calling all MEN! I need your help! 
