amanda1959

no there is a TOTAL disconnect...right now I am most upset that he didn't get me a 25th anniversary gift and he says I am selfish and self absorbed...he just doesn't get it...if a man is working on getting his marriage back on track and he was the one that screwed up maybe leaving your wife with a lighter from Japan (where I now know he met a woman years ago) and nothing more than a champagne cork with their names on it, is not sensitive enough to realize what I need to heal the pain of the last two years. He fell short.

F-102

Whoah!!! YOU'RE STILL MARRIED?!?!
My sincerest regrets and apologies to everyone who read my post-I simply cannot condone an affair!

Scannerguard

Well, not condoning an affiar but if you are exploring the idea of finding love outside of marriage, I think that's a natural thought-process of someone exploring divorce.

Will there be another person for me if I divorce? I know I thought about it and it would be silly for me to deny that I didn't fantasize what it could be like, to pine for something you want out of life, but are not getting in your current circumstance.

Well, no guarantees in life but chances are you'll eventually find someone. I wouldn't let the 50 years old thing be the agent that sways you.

The problem I think you'll find is you'll have to change your approach and I think a lot (most?) women have a hard time doing that. Not that you'll have to do all the asking out (maybe occasionally). . .but well, you've got competition now, yes. . .from young hotties. You go out on a date. . .you may want to send a thank you note for a good time. (man still pays, at least I would). Things like that.

Things a young hottie wouldn't think of doing. They're self-centered at that age because they have time and youth on their side. You've got experience and perspective. Be yourself and see if the dynamic would work.

I am just trying to paint a picture. I don't think it's fair for the forum to paint this picture that at 50 y.o. you are going to be some hot cougar, getting wedding proposals left and right every week and just say, "You go girl!" I mean, I think the intention behind the forum is benign but you know. . .everyone is a cheerleader when they aren't on the playing field.

The question is. . .can you live with being alone? Can you live with reality? We are all 1 step from being alone anyway - an accident, an illness. . .it can rob us like a thief in the night of the one we love.

You don't sound at peace with being alone. I think you should establish peace with that. . .and then attract someone into your life.

Good luck. I hope you reconcile in the meantime.

Therealbrighteyes

Scanner,
Fair? Nobody was painting a picture of anything. Reread the posts. I mentioned a co-worker and her story, another guy mentioned recent weddings he had been too and the rest said that love can come at any age. None of us gave her false hope.
Just because you would never find a 50 year old woman as relationship material of interest doesn't mean other men wouldn't. Many guys like a woman their age. Similar life experience, goals, etc. You might not but then I am guessing some men would find a 27 year old with a nose ring annoying and offputting. **winks**

Scannerguard

Brennan,

*winks accepted - don't misinterpret my tone*

Of course it can mean men can find a 50 year old attractive and serious relationship potential. . .if you re-read my post. . .I said it probably will as a matter of fact.

And I'll have you know, the woman I was involved with was 50 years old so I am not as shallow and superficial as you imply. I pursued her and we were involved for 9 months. The main problem I found was me - kids, her - no kids. Different planets we were from. . . as I am from Planet Kids.

27 year old hottie - she's from Planet Young Kids like me now. Much more in common with that. I also am enjoying the education discrepancy but that's a subject for another topic. . .

But I still stand by my assertion the forum is sugarcoating it subliminally or "between the lines" with touchy-feel-goody stories, with a benign intention of empowering and supporting her, but still sugarcoating it nonetheless.

I think I am the only one here offering some balance and reality to the situation. Go read online personals and see how many 50+ women are looking for Prince Charming to come in and swoop them up and take them for romantic walks on the beach and oh, they're "tired of all the drama."

I don't care how good looking you are - it goes beyond that with men.

The decision to divorce should be made independent of her prospects after marriage. I know it's natural though. . .I think when she reaches the point of saying, "I don't care if I never meet anyone again. . .this isnt' worth it.", she's reached the tipping point.

Hey, I wouldn't be much of a doctor either if I told everyone, "It's nothing - you'll be okay." That's bad prognostication.

Conrad

Face it - none of us get out of here alive.

Therealbrighteyes

Scanner,
I have never implied that you are superficial and shallow. Your comments seem to suggest it though. You want young and dumb. Nothing wrong with that and at least you own up to it but it wasn't me saying those things, you did.
I agree with you that pacifying people with "It's nothing" is the wrong approach. I don't think I was doing that, at least I hope not. I HIGHLY agree with you that she needs to either work on her marriage or work on getting out independant of any prospects out there.

nice777guy

That should be the takeaway from Scanner's post.

I'm surprised at how quickly some people around here have moved on from broken relationships. Seems like a good time to take a personal inventory and decide what you might want from the rest of your life, before you muddy it up with someone else's business.

Trenton

I've called Scanner shallow & superficial but that's just how I see his textual character. You might be getting me confused with Brennan as we're both ornery chicks that won't shut up

Trenton

It's the addicted to having someone around thingy. I don't understand it either. If I were getting out of a bad relationship the last thing I'd want is a new relationship. Relationships are complicated.

I can still relate to amanda though. I don't think she's necessarily saying she wants this all to happen tomorrow but is rather addressing her deeper fears in an attempt to come to terms with a possible impending loss.

nice777guy

You have all these pictures of growing old together in rocking chairs. All of your dreams and long-term plans include this other person. Of course if he really is gay, or just a cheater - those dreams will have to change whether or not you stay married. Takes time to adjust.

AFEH

Yes it’s a brave new world when one leaves a marriage. Nearly a year out from my separation and I’ve understood just how entwined the two people in a marriage become. There’s obviously the financial entanglement that needs to untangled. Then there’s the emotional and the psychological entanglement that need and untangling.

But there’s something much more subtle and more persistent than all of those and that’s the entanglement at the core of one’s psyche. In long term marriages it’s like we’ve been sharing our very psyche, our mind, deepest thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs with another person. Perhaps even our morality and our conscience. We behave this way because they will respond that way etc. In a way we become a part of our partner in the deepest part of our mind, it’s like we’ve adopted a part of their psyche and somehow the two negotiate with one another.

Maybe that’s why two opposites come together to make a whole.

But all this doesn’t become apparent for quite a while after the separation and I think the longer the marriage the longer it takes. I also think the stronger the original character the shorter it takes.

I think that’s why people say don’t jump into a new relationship too quickly. We need time to rediscover who we are.

Bob

amanda1959

AFEH yes thank you it is the "entanglement" at the different and "all" levels that seem to keep us in the wrong longtime relationships...it as as if we become quite merged because of the number of years you have spent together. This makes it very hard to leave.

Therealbrighteyes

Amanda,
I really feel for you and understand where you are coming from. While I haven't been married as long as you (17 yrs), I have known my husband for 30 years. We met when we were 9, in church. We spent our childhood being dear friends. He was the only boy at my 10th birthday party and later at my 13th. He danced with me at my 16th birthday party.
My family has known his for 30 years. Our mothers worked on committees together and our fathers hung out together. We went on retreats and had dinner at each others houses once a month. There is hardly a childhood memory that doesn't include him in it. Later, his Grandfather married us. Talk about entanglement.
I am going through a tough time with my marriage as well and perhaps I cling to the history more than I should. History is of course, history. It is what is in the present that matters.
I will say to you this though, what your husband is doing would truly be a dealbreaker for me. He is being unfaithful and doesn't seem to care. I also read your heartbreaking post about forgetting your 25th anniversary. I cannot even imagine the level of your pain. Nobody forgets an anniversary of that magnitude, they choose not to recognize it.
You have some really hard choices to think about. I think that you are co-dependant. I think we all are to some extent after long term marriages. There is a great book called Co Dependant No More. Came highly recommended to me and I have ordered it. Perhaps that book could help you. It isn't about saving your marriage, it is about saving yourself.
((((((VIRTUAL HUG)))))))

amanda1959

thanks Brennan...he didn't forget our anniversary but I arranged the dinner and I was really expecting a gift. I am now working out of state and we shared a bottle of champagne of which he wrote our names on the cork...but then he left behind a lighter from a Bar in Japan which opened the wound of his affair there 5 years ago apparently. Just thought the lack of gift and the lighter was very insensitive of him especially when he has caused me so much pain!