trev

Ok a little history .. Been married for a while and have five children three of our own and two adopted after her brother passed away ! Quite a houseful but after a long hard struggle we have become one happy family ! Why would my wife Want to go back to work now ? I think if we can afford for her to be at home and be there for the kids it should be far more important then work ? Isn't it ?
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greenpearl

With so many kids to look after, and you have the ability to provide for the big family, it is actually the best for her to stay at home.

She has a job, her job is to look after the house and the kids and you.

But you have to give her support too, you have to make her feel secure, you have to let her know how much you appreciate her for staying at home.

Staying at home is not easy, especially if she has the ability to get a good job outside, it gives her a sense of confidence. A lot of women lose contact with the society after they become stay at home moms. They lose confidence, they stop dressing up. For all of these issues, you have to keep her up and make her feel she is cherished and valued.

For kids' happiness, it is better for her to stay at home, she'll give the kids a much secure and happy life.

HappyHer

It's okay to want whatever you want, but you have to honor your wife first and foremost. If she feels she needs to go back to work, then there are reasons she feels that way. Perhaps you could compromise. Ask her to volunteer somewhere for awhile at shortened hours. This way her obligation won't weigh as heavy and the kids will get used to mom having a life outside of them. If that works, then she could go on to a part time job and then work up to full time if that is what she's craving.

The point is to work with her for her happiness first, a happy mom is the best mom, not necessarily the one that is at home all the time. That doesn't mean she is "shirking" her responsibilities. It might mean you need to help out more in the house, but to demand that this is HER job, if she is not happy with that isn't giving her the love she needs from you.

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trev

She use to be a primary school teacher and wants to return to a full time teaching job ! What I can't understand is why does she want to put our children into daycare to teach other kids ?
She goes out plenty with her friends I've always let her , we go out once a week ! It's not like she's chained to the sink !
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AFEH

What's the age of the youngest child?

Bob

trev

Our youngest has just turnt one
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AFEH

Ok I think I see where you are at. My wife starting working again when our youngest of two was around seven. Even then I wasn’t sure about it but she was really happy in her work and she never let anyone down at home because of her work.

Personally I think it’s very young to leave a one year old in the care of another especially when there’s a total of five. I think I would push against that. In fact I’m certain I would.

But I’ve come to see these things as a conflict of basic values and beliefs. A conflict of our very “philosophies of life”, what life is all about kind of thing and as such we need to handle them very carefully.

Effective and compassionate communication at these times is very important. I think you need to gain an understanding of what the underlying problems are. The problem is your wife may fear telling you because it may be so different to what she thinks you want to hear.

I think you need to find out if it’s the workload at home that’s getting to your wife. Is she afraid that she’s going to be out of the workplace for so long that she’ll never be able to get back in. Is she afraid of losing herself at home. Does she feel under appreciated at home. Has she thrown you a wobbly because she’s feeling depressed. Is she afraid of her future etc.

Sometimes we need to help others look at a bigger picture. What do I mean? For example do you have a 5 or 10 year plan between you for your family? Maybe your wife just cannot see the wood for the trees kind of thing. A lot of us get that way.

Have a go at working on a ten year plan for your family. But start it between the two of you without making assumptions. I used to have white board and we’d both stand in front of it with it blank and then start drawing “the bigger picture” and making plans. A4/letter size paper is too small if you haven’t a whiteboard. A3 with different coloured pens/crayons is much better. I’d hand them to your wife and ask her where she sees your family in ten years time. Be the enabler and let her lead and then join in. Beware of conflict. If you don’t like what you see leave it for a while, let it sink in and then go back to it later. It takes a while to agree on a ten year plan.

Bob

HappyHer

Perhaps she could tutor for a year or two and then go back to full time teaching? If she's set on returning full time though, then that needs to be respected. It's not about her "going out with her friends" - she's a teacher and if that's her calling then she's not going to be happy unless she's teaching. You are putting your children before your wife and that is not the prescription for a happy marriage or a happy/stable family.

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They say you are what you eat, so why not eat to promote passion, ultimate health and the utmost of sensuality? Plateful of Passion is The Guide to Creating Sensual Enhancement through your diet and how everyday foods can boost libido, and greatly improve your sex life featuring over 100 recipes!

AFEH

I am confused with your answer. Isn't the mother putting herself before her family? Not saying it to be argumentative. I'm just confused.

It could truly be a clash of philosophies of what family life is all about. Surely we all have to make "personal sacrifices" and compromises for the good of the family? Otherwise isn't it just ruled by selfishness?

For example, the husband sounds far from selfish having adopted two of his wife’s deceased brother’s children and incorporating them into his family and paying for it all.

Bob

trev

When we adopted the girls they were 3 and 6 our own boys were 10 and 13 we have since had a little girl who's one , when we took on the girls I didn't have to think twice , but I also wanted them to have there aunt /mum around 24/7 they deserved and needed that . We can afford for my wife to stay at home and I feel that she should until our baby reaches 7/8 years of age !
Not about kids comming first , it's about making family life happy for all
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HappyHer

I'm sure a mother doesn't feel less of a mother for pursuing her passions in life. On the contrary, setting an example to the children of a strong woman that can teach and take care of her family may just the sort of example she would like to set. What example is it to be a martyr? As a mother, I can tell you, if I feel fulfilled and happy within myself, that pours out onto my children. As my children are currently in law school and med school, happy, popular and well rounded, I would say I might be onto something with that idea.

Yes, we do need to make personal sacrifices. Her sacrifice will be an additional burden of work and juggling children and home life and married life. She will have to make compromises, they all will, but family life is about love and support for one another, is it not?

The husband doesn't sound selfish to accept these children into his home, but to use that as leverage to force his wife into something that is not desirable for her isn't the correct way to create a loving and vibrant marriage.

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They say you are what you eat, so why not eat to promote passion, ultimate health and the utmost of sensuality? Plateful of Passion is The Guide to Creating Sensual Enhancement through your diet and how everyday foods can boost libido, and greatly improve your sex life featuring over 100 recipes!

trev

Taking on the girls was never about leverage ! That remark is so wrong .I would never force her to do anything , I just think a child deserves to be brought up by there mother and father when they can afford it not by some daycare
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greenpearl

Children need mother.

They feel more secure if it is the mother looking after them.

I stayed at home for four years looking after my son. I think my son feels much secure with mom around.

Here is the great side of being a mother, when she has her own children, she wants to make sure that her children are secure and happy.

Leaving a one-year old at a daycare is just making me heartache especially their financial situation if fine.

They don't need that extra money!

greenpearl

People in day care won't be patient with one-year old.

They'll make your kids stupid by doing something horrible.

HappyHer

I'm happy that remark was wrong, as it sounds to me as if you truly are trying to coerce your wife into doing something that she prefers not to do.

Day cares do not make your kids stupid and there are alternatives to day care such as a nanny that can bring enrichment into your child's life.

Why is this all about money? I believe your wife is probably a most excellent parent. She craves teaching, not about the money but for the chance to touch the lives of other children. Your children will not be growing up in a bubble. If your wife can help affect the children they will be sharing this world with, then don't you think she deserves the opportunity?

Have you thought of asking her to be a home schooling teacher? Children would come to her to learn while she could still stay at home. Or, if she taught at a private school, many of them have day care sites on the premises so she could still spend time with the younger children during lunch and breaks, and you would both be assured they are getting top notch care.

__________________
They say you are what you eat, so why not eat to promote passion, ultimate health and the utmost of sensuality? Plateful of Passion is The Guide to Creating Sensual Enhancement through your diet and how everyday foods can boost libido, and greatly improve your sex life featuring over 100 recipes!