I have a feeling we ALL seek what we missed. Some through neglect. Some through loss (in my case, death). Yet, we seek what we believe we need - and appear "needy" when we don't get it.
You fill in the rest.
I also believe many of us set out on a path to be so different from our parents, but yet end up just like them.
My parents smoked - I HATED IT. I've never smoked.
My Dad took every financial shortcut in the book - too much debt, continually refinancing the house, I'm fairly sure he took some 'tax' shortcuts. I do EVERYTHING by the rules.
On the other hand, my Dad drank - then beat it. I struggle with alcohol. I have some fairly lousy memories from his drinking. I don't think my children have anything comparable. BUT - I know that I would be a much healthier person both physically and emotionally if I stopped or cut back.
My mom was depressed - almost disabled by it. I fell in love with a confident, young ambitious woman who has slowly become someone much different. And I don't mean to sound mean or harsh - I LOVE her - it just puzzles the $HIT out of me.
My mom was depressed - almost disabled by it. I fell in love with a confident, young ambitious woman who has slowly become someone much different. And I don't mean to sound mean or harsh - I LOVE her - it just puzzles the $HIT out of me.
Do you both talk about this? Life sort of beats you down after awhile. I know right now I'm in a spot where I can't figure out if the work I do is even worthwhile when there was a point when my passion for my work was so intense it was hard to explain. I keep telling my husband that I feel like I lost my passion, as if I should mourn for it or beg it to come back.
I think it's really common for both women and men to get to a point where they question what they're doing it's not a reflection on the better half as much as an inner issue within her. Not a mid-life crisis as much as a...oh my goodness, I'm getting old, what have I done and how did I get here crisis.
Some men go out and buy sports cars and date young women or reconnect with an old hobby. Some women become depressed and turn inward or they begin fitness tests in earnest testing the crap out of their significant other hoping that they turn out to be what they always thought?...
If only women were more attracted to sports cars and young men.
Trenton,
He knows my feelings about this. Sadly, he has apologized for taking over where my parents left off. An apology is one thing, changing the action is another.
Well it's apparent that men and women change each other for the worse in the long term or maybe we just allow the change. All I know is in my next lifetime, I am going to be gay.
Trenton,
He knows my feelings about this. Sadly, he has apologized for taking over where my parents left off. An apology is one thing, changing the action is another.
Well it's apparent that men and women change each other for the worse in the long term or maybe we just allow the change. All I know is in my next lifetime, I going to be gay.
LOL
They don't have to change each other for the worst. I really don't believe that. They both have to stay connected even through their changes. Change is inevitable but the deterioration of a relationship isn't.
So do you actually believe it is how you look at it and what you do with the baggage rather than that the baggage always has to be a weight, negative factor in a relationship? If so, then we agree.
I wonder how long we can keep this baggage analogy going. Soon I'm going to gather up the monkeys on our back and have them poo on the strewn about baggage...
Yep. We agree. Acknowledge that your lugging a weight around, shift it to make it lighter and carry it comfortably - or consistently drop it, and b!tch about how heavy and what a PITA it is, and use it as an excuse for inaction.
Thank you both for sharing what you struggle with.
It is worth working through childhood issues. I thought my dad got many things wrong and my mother never did. I know different now. Then after I’d been a father for many years, well I saw I went and got things wrong as well. I discovered I’m not perfect in anyway about me and I never can be. Years after he passed away I spent a few hours by his grave having a chat. It was a wet, drizzly afternoon. At the end of the chat I forgave him for everything and thanked him for providing for me and teaching me much about the core values of live, either in a negative or positive way. It was one of the most cathartic, growing up things I’ve ever done in my life. It certainly was a release, an unbinding from my childhood.
But I guess there are some things from our childhood that are unforgivable. But at the same time I still believe in the adage “Forgive … or relive”.
It is worth working through childhood issues. I thought my dad got many things wrong and my mother never did. I know different now. Then after I’d been a father for many years, well I saw I went and got things wrong as well. I discovered I’m not perfect in anyway about me and I never can be. Years after he passed away I spent a few hours by his grave having a chat. It was a wet, drizzly afternoon. At the end of the chat I forgave him for everything and thanked him for providing for me and teaching me much about the core values of live, either in a negative or positive way. It was one of the most cathartic, growing up things I’ve ever done in my life. It certainly was a release, an unbinding from my childhood.
But I guess there are some things from our childhood that are unforgivable. But at the same time I still believe in the adage “Forgive … or relive”.
If you fight not to become it... if you insist that others not treat you that way (developing a hair trigger and thereby ensuring it), there is no way to escape it - until you walk straight through it.
I also believe many of us set out on a path to be so different from our parents, but yet end up just like them.
My behavior very much mimicked my mothers. Give your all to the marriage, get very little to nothing back. Give more. Get less. Then one day just snap.
I really did not want to divorce. I saw it as failure. I definitely did not want to repeat what I watched happen to my parents. And then it simply did.
My wife has said many times that she's not my mom - knowing that there are parallels between them. And she's right - she's not my mother.
My Mom had a rough upbringing - her family was poor, there was some physical abuse, didn't finish high school because she had to get a job to help feed her family, etc. Some of the stories I heard from her friends after she had died were very revealing. I wish I had known more about her past when she was alive.
But my wife had a blessed childhood - she has good parents. So many of her issues stem from her not living up to her own expectations.
My wife still has some drive left and she still puts pressure on herself. But she seems afraid to fail, so there are a lot of things that she just won't or can't do. She's never had a career. She's started a few, but something has always held her back.
If you fight not to become it... if you insist that others not treat you that way (developing a hair trigger and thereby ensuring it), there is no way to escape it - until you walk straight through it.
That's what you did at the cemetery.
I missed out the last part of the story at the cemetery. It’s kind of personal but I will put it out and I know people see these things differently.
It was an overcast and drizzly day and I’d been there a few hours. When I’d said my forgiveness to my father the clouds somehow opened up and sunrays came down. My interpretation is that he’d been waiting for me to forgive him and had somehow stayed behind for it and the meaning of it. It was a phenomenal release from my past and I like to think it happened to us both and he went on his way.
I’ve had a couple more experiences like that in my life. I’m not a Church man. I like to think there’s a spiritually that connects us all as human beings. I think in modern times in many ways that connection has been lost. And that there are significant times in our life either when we are in trouble or those we love are in trouble when that world somehow combines to help us out.
My wife has said many times that she's not my mom - knowing that there are parallels between them. And she's right - she's not my mother.
My Mom had a rough upbringing - her family was poor, there was some physical abuse, didn't finish high school because she had to get a job to help feed her family, etc. Some of the stories I heard from her friends after she had died were very revealing. I wish I had known more about her past when she was alive.
But my wife had a blessed childhood - she has good parents. So many of her issues stem from her not living up to her own expectations.
My wife still has some drive left and she still puts pressure on herself. But she seems afraid to fail, so there are a lot of things that she just won't or can't do. She's never had a career. She's started a few, but something has always held her back.
I just don't get it...
Maybe she was so used to getting what she wanted easily that she never learned to have a drive to go after what it is she wants. She might actually have to learn it. Besides that, fear of failing is crippling. The only way for her to get over this is to do what she is afraid of which is what she can't do. Horrible cycle.
Have you tried telling her you'd be there to catch her if she fails and then help her back up to try again at whatever her dreams may be? -or- talking to her about how you are frustrated and why?
Re: Check Your Bags 
