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Old 11-24-2010, 12:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Communication - we go to different places

My H and I have trouble communicating. Where his thoughts go in a discussion are different than mine. Example: he posted a pic on FB of our daughter that was, in my view, inappropriate. I asked him to take it down. His response was that he didn't remember posting it. It was in his album and had a caption he had entered. I didn't understand his reply - his statement that he didn't remember posting it. He obviously did.

Fast forward 24 hours and we've had a big fight over the fact that he didn't remember posting the pic. It didn't matter to me whether he remembered doing it or not, I just wanted it down. He said I was calling him a liar because I was insisting that he had to remember posting it. I thought it was a cop out, but my issue is that we spent so much time arguing over whether he remembered doing it and didn't discuss whether he should have posted it in the first place. He did agree, later, that it was not good judgment to post it.

So, why is it that I want to discuss WHY he posted it and he wants to argue over remembering posting it? Is he being honest or just trying to find a way to deflect from the real issue? What's the deal here? I don't get it.

Last edited by ebp123; 11-24-2010 at 12:22 PM. Reason: removed sentence
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Old 11-24-2010, 01:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Communication - we go to different places

What makes you so sure that he remembered doing it?

I think it takes two people to get side-tracked like that. If you would have simply asked him to bring up his albums/pics and shown him the picture then you would have avoided a drawn out argument about what he did or didn't do or remember doing.

Or he could have just logged in and checked his pics.

How long have you been married? Kind of sounds like early marriage stuff to me.
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Old 11-24-2010, 01:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Communication - we go to different places

I have definitely gotten into these nitpicky arguments A LOT. But usually I'm the one acting like your husband, and my boyfriend is the one asking me why I said/did something I don't remember saying/doing. I'm usually like, "uhhh I have NO idea why I did that--I don't even remember doing it in the first place, let alone my motivations for doing it." By that point I usually already agree with him that I was in the wrong and just want to forget about the whole stupid affair and move on with life. I usually say something to that effect and he agrees and we move on.

If that gives you any idea...I think your husband might be completely clueless about posting the picture--he has no recollection of even posting it, so it follows that he doesn't remember WHY he posted it. He's probably frustrated that you keep asking him why, when he doesn't have a clue...And he's probably too proud to admit that he feels stupid for not remembering. It might help to just be like "ok yea, it's fine if you don't remember. Let's just take the picture down and forget about it." Then, take the picture down, and forget about it--don't even bring it up again. It's just a facebook picture, it really doesn't matter all that much as long as he doesn't post any more inappropriate pictures. I legitimately believe that he doesn't remember--I don't think he's lying, especially because, at the time he posted it, he probably didn't realize anything was wrong in the first place...I bet there are at least a few facebook photos you don't remember tagging/posting/etc. because they didn't mean all that much at the time.

I do understand why you want to know why he would do something like that, but unfortunately he probably genuinely just doesn't know. Just emphasize that he shouldn't do that again, make sure he agrees, then forgive and forget. Hope this helps!
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Old 11-24-2010, 02:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Communication - we go to different places

We've been married 5 years, known each other for almost 15.

OK. I guess I'll let this one drop. I still don't like that we can't figure out how to discuss the same thing. How do you ever learn to communicate if I'm talking about X and he's talking about Y?
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Old 11-24-2010, 02:23 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Communication - we go to different places

Is she his bio-daughter or his step daughter?

Unless he normally has a bad memory than I agree with you he did remember.

In general I think it was an attempt to manipulate the conversation and ignore your request.

You need to be smarter though. If he is like this - then you take a different approach - you bring up the pic on the computer and call him over. You point at it and ask him why he posted it. If he claims he "forgot" I would give him some skeptical body language, tell him you don't like his judgement and insist that he take it down right then.




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Originally Posted by ebp123 View Post
My H and I have trouble communicating. Where his thoughts go in a discussion are different than mine. Example: he posted a pic on FB of our daughter that was, in my view, inappropriate. I asked him to take it down. His response was that he didn't remember posting it. It was in his album and had a caption he had entered. I didn't understand his reply - his statement that he didn't remember posting it. He obviously did.

Fast forward 24 hours and we've had a big fight over the fact that he didn't remember posting the pic. It didn't matter to me whether he remembered doing it or not, I just wanted it down. He said I was calling him a liar because I was insisting that he had to remember posting it. I thought it was a cop out, but my issue is that we spent so much time arguing over whether he remembered doing it and didn't discuss whether he should have posted it in the first place. He did agree, later, that it was not good judgment to post it.

So, why is it that I want to discuss WHY he posted it and he wants to argue over remembering posting it? Is he being honest or just trying to find a way to deflect from the real issue? What's the deal here? I don't get it.
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Old 11-24-2010, 02:26 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Communication - we go to different places

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What makes you so sure that he remembered doing it?

I think it takes two people to get side-tracked like that. If you would have simply asked him to bring up his albums/pics and shown him the picture then you would have avoided a drawn out argument about what he did or didn't do or remember doing.

Or he could have just logged in and checked his pics.

How long have you been married? Kind of sounds like early marriage stuff to me.
We did that together, almost immediately after I saw the pic. He took it down as I watched. And yet we still argued for 24 hrs that he didn't remember doing it.
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Old 11-24-2010, 02:27 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Communication - we go to different places

This one sounds easy - but I understand what you are talking about.

The real issue was that you wanted the picture down. I TOTALLY agree with Lime that your husband probably had no recollection, couldn't answer "why" and was just being defensive.

Avoiding the whole "why" thing altogether is often a good idea.

Just try to stick to the main point - "I want the picture taken off your page."
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Old 11-24-2010, 02:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Communication - we go to different places

That's part of the point. The other part, and I didn't mention this before, is that he doesn't "own" what he does. He finds reasons, excuses, anything to deflect when he's done something that isn't good. It drives me crazy and is really what drove the 24 hr fight.

Another example: We participate in dependent care FSA through my work. When a check didn't come in the mail, he asked me to check on it (he handles our bills and said it never came). Called, canceled the check, had a new one issued. That check didn't come, either. And coincidentally, a package that was supposed to come from my SIL didn't arrive, so now I think we have someone going through our mail. I ask my husband if he's absolutely sure he didn't cash it. He says yes, he's absolutely sure. He checked our account and it's not there.

This time I call the FSA company to cancel the check and they said they can't, that someone has cashed it. So, now I REALLY think we have a thief. I call the police. I ask neighbors if they've had anything missing from their mailboxes. I ask the FSA company to send me a scan of the cashed check so I can hand it over to the police. I get the scan and it's my husband's handwriting, "For Deposit Only" on the back.

I log into our checking account and find where he went to the bank and manually deposited the check. I tell him that we have the check, that he cashed it. He doesn't believe me. I send him a screen print of the deposit slip and the scanned check.

At this point, I am expecting an apology from him. It's been two months of calling FSA, canceling checks, going through all this business. But what does he say at the moment he realizes he's sent me on a two month wild goose chase? "I still think there's something wrong with the amount. We should have more in our FSA account than that."

Seriously? He can't apologize? He can't admit what he did?

I could give you a lot of examples like that.
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Old 11-24-2010, 02:56 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by ebp123 View Post
My H and I have trouble communicating. Where his thoughts go in a discussion are different than mine. Example: he posted a pic on FB of our daughter that was, in my view, inappropriate. I asked him to take it down. His response was that he didn't remember posting it. It was in his album and had a caption he had entered. I didn't understand his reply - his statement that he didn't remember posting it. He obviously did.

Fast forward 24 hours and we've had a big fight over the fact that he didn't remember posting the pic. It didn't matter to me whether he remembered doing it or not, I just wanted it down. He said I was calling him a liar because I was insisting that he had to remember posting it. I thought it was a cop out, but my issue is that we spent so much time arguing over whether he remembered doing it and didn't discuss whether he should have posted it in the first place. He did agree, later, that it was not good judgment to post it.

So, why is it that I want to discuss WHY he posted it and he wants to argue over remembering posting it? Is he being honest or just trying to find a way to deflect from the real issue? What's the deal here? I don't get it.
It’s called “denial”. Denial - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It is a very immature defence mechanism some people use when they’ve done something wrong and will not own up to it. Very much like a child whose eaten a packet of biscuits and refuses to own up.

Denial in adults should come with a health warning as it can seriously do your head in.

Bob
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Old 11-24-2010, 02:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Communication - we go to different places

You'll want to kill me for saying this, but at least it sounds like he's consistent.

If you can give me a lot of different examples, then you may have little choice but to accept that its who he is.

Is there any consequence - for him - if you don't find that FSA check? Any way you could back off and let it be his problem?

Could be he didn't look into it because he knew you would.

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Originally Posted by ebp123 View Post
That's part of the point. The other part, and I didn't mention this before, is that he doesn't "own" what he does. He finds reasons, excuses, anything to deflect when he's done something that isn't good. It drives me crazy and is really what drove the 24 hr fight.

Another example: We participate in dependent care FSA through my work. When a check didn't come in the mail, he asked me to check on it (he handles our bills and said it never came). Called, canceled the check, had a new one issued. That check didn't come, either. And coincidentally, a package that was supposed to come from my SIL didn't arrive, so now I think we have someone going through our mail. I ask my husband if he's absolutely sure he didn't cash it. He says yes, he's absolutely sure. He checked our account and it's not there.

This time I call the FSA company to cancel the check and they said they can't, that someone has cashed it. So, now I REALLY think we have a thief. I call the police. I ask neighbors if they've had anything missing from their mailboxes. I ask the FSA company to send me a scan of the cashed check so I can hand it over to the police. I get the scan and it's my husband's handwriting, "For Deposit Only" on the back.

I log into our checking account and find where he went to the bank and manually deposited the check. I tell him that we have the check, that he cashed it. He doesn't believe me. I send him a screen print of the deposit slip and the scanned check.

At this point, I am expecting an apology from him. It's been two months of calling FSA, canceling checks, going through all this business. But what does he say at the moment he realizes he's sent me on a two month wild goose chase? "I still think there's something wrong with the amount. We should have more in our FSA account than that."

Seriously? He can't apologize? He can't admit what he did?

I could give you a lot of examples like that.
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Old 11-24-2010, 03:02 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Ok now the check situation IS weird. I can see why you were fighting about the facebook picture now!

With the check, he is still wanting to save face by saying that "something's still wrong," when in reality, the check was cashed (HE cashed it!) and it was for the correct amount (most likely, especially if it was written out twice). I think he's doing this because 1. he's afraid you'll get mad, and 2. he feels embarrassed for making a mistake. OR 3. he's being passive aggressive and secretly WANTED to cause so much trouble because he has some weird unresolved issues.

I think to help this situation, you can do a few things. (Yes, HE should be doing a lot too, but there's no way to make him want to change his behaviors, so you'll have to focus on yourself if you want to improve things). Here are my ideas that may or may not help you...

First, you can stop blaming him about things after the fact. Yes, it was 2 wasted months, and that's a huge pain, BUT you're just wasting more time now dwelling on it. I know it's hard to let things go, but now you know you don't have a thief and you have the money in your account--life is good! Well, better than it was. So you're just going to have to stop reminding him over and over again about his mistake, as there's NOTHING he can do about it now. And when I say "nothing," I mean nothing he can do to fix the situation. Sure, he can apologize, but he's probably already feeling so defensive and isn't going to want to do that...You can badger him relentlessly until he caves and apologizes, causing more strife and wasted energy for the both of you, OR you can just let it go. Tell him you're glad it's solved, verify that you have the right amount of money, and say in the future you can both pay a little more attention to the checks. And DON'T bring it up again...I know it's so tempting to guilt him about it, because he did after all make a really stupid mistake, but DON'T. It won't fix anything, in fact it will make him more hostile and passive aggressive in the future.

Second, if he won't own his actions, GIVE him ownership of his actions...in a nice, polite way. Say things like, "It's ok that you [did whatever thing]. Now you know for next time how you should be acting when you're in a situation like that one..." Or something along those lines. Make it clear to him that it IS his fault, but forgive him in the same beat. Don't try and guilt him about things...Guilt will fester and resurface as passive aggressive behavior a la "I don't remember doing that, therefore I'm not at fault."

Focus on NEXT TIME, be positive and proactive to avoid further situations like this. Don't dwell on the bad stuff that already happened; instead focus your energies on future bad stuff that still can be prevented.
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Old 11-24-2010, 03:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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You'll want to kill me for saying this, but at least it sounds like he's consistent.

If you can give me a lot of different examples, then you may have little choice but to accept that its who he is.

Is there any consequence - for him - if you don't find that FSA check? Any way you could back off and let it be his problem?

Could be he didn't look into it because he knew you would.
This is a great idea! If he's the one to screw up, make sure he's the one that fixes it...If he doesn't fix it, don't step in and take over; maybe just help him do it himself.

It's like if you have a kid who won't wake up on time for school...Instead of waking them up everyday and dragging them out of bed, let them be late a couple times. They'll miss some class, get in trouble, maybe get an afterschool/detention/warning/whatever. And then--miraculously!--they'll start getting themselves out of bed in the morning.
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Old 11-24-2010, 03:07 PM   #13 (permalink)
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You'll want to kill me for saying this, but at least it sounds like he's consistent.

If you can give me a lot of different examples, then you may have little choice but to accept that its who he is.
Yes, this does seem to be his MO. I find it hard to respect it, though. And I don't need to tell you how lack of respect affects a marriage. Let's just say things are pretty bad right now.
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Old 11-24-2010, 03:11 PM   #14 (permalink)
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This is a great idea! If he's the one to screw up, make sure he's the one that fixes it...If he doesn't fix it, don't step in and take over; maybe just help him do it himself.

It's like if you have a kid who won't wake up on time for school...Instead of waking them up everyday and dragging them out of bed, let them be late a couple times. They'll miss some class, get in trouble, maybe get an afterschool/detention/warning/whatever. And then--miraculously!--they'll start getting themselves out of bed in the morning.
Problem is I'm not sure this kid cares about going to school in his pajama's. Or losing money either. Or what people see on his FB page and how his family feels about it.

Was he always like this? Is he like this at work or in other areas of his life?
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Old 11-24-2010, 03:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
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It’s called “denial”. Denial - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
In my case, I call these kind of behaviors Attention Deficit Disorder.

I'm neither joking, nor offering it as an excuse. Especially if as NG points out, it is consistent.

It's easy to take a swipe at the claim, and I of course have no idea whether or not your husband exhibits other symptoms. But I can tell you unequivocally, those kinds of things happen to me all of the time - but I do own them. I also know why they happen.

Something about the details that you included made me immediately think of circumstances that have occurred to me in the past. The results were embarrassing.
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