Kobo,
Thanks for the feedback. I was simply suggesting doing something that works very well in my life which is to align your assertiveness/aggressiveness with your abilities.
I personally cringe every time I hear either wives or husbands talk about how the man is "absolutely the head of the household". And the reason I cringe is simple: There is no way your knowledge, skills and decision making are superior to that of your partner in every area. Not possible. Which means she ends up watching you make poor/stupid choices over and over. How does THAT work out?
On the flip side, in more than half of the mature relationships I see the woman has gradually become emotionally dominant overall. And the male has become so conflict avoidant he doesn't even assert/aggress (I know that isn't a word) himself in areas where he KNOWS he is right. One big area where this is true is finances. A read a study of households that run in the "red". In 2/3 of them the wife is the spender, 1/3 the husband.
In the households where the woman is the spender the conversation is not about what is rational / enables retirement but rather how she "feels" - when her "controlling husband" denies her "right" to spend family money sometimes at the expense of college planning.
P.S. - I also recognize that in a world solely controlled by heterosexual males we would all live in Soviet style apartment blocs.
And so - my post. Which since it contained "male" thought DNA and the word dominance provoked the standard reaction.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kobo
Good post MEM. I think people get crazy when the word dominance is used. People want to assume that they control themselves. The fact is we have very little control of ourselves. 20 years ago we didn't have cell phones, Internet, Cable TV, PPV, etc. Yet our monthly budgets now have line items for these because we have been dominated by a marketing campaign. 70 years ago we didn't give diamond rings as symbols of engagement but an impressive marketing campaign has now made diamonds a women's best friend. A man being dominant in his home is a marketing campaign for the woman in his life. It foster's attraction. VT's husbands disrespect of the male posters on this board was a show of dominance over those posters and probably got him a blowjob that night.
The trick is to be dominant without your woman feeling dominated. If you can't you will get the reaction displayed through out this thread.
VT,
I agree with Conrad on this. Your post said "which retard are you listening to now?". It certainly didn't sound like you were included in that mix.
Having said that, I don't know your husband. Perhaps he was mocking both you and us posters and we took it the wrong way.
Like I mentioned, tone rarely comes across the way it should. Darn internet. LOL.
My husband thinks that participating on these boards is kind of silly though he would not hesitate to jokingly call me retarded. He also was responding to my comments about some posters view that woman should be submissive iirc.
I'm a talker (have you noticed) and I don't think there's a topic that would make me uncomfortable. My husband isn't like this but he tells me he appreciates that I am and he is open with me. We talked about things even before we were married as I'm also a question asker. My curiosity about people is immeasurable. My curiosity with sex is just as high. I find human nature really interesting.
If he tells me on his deathbed that he's actually a masturbating fool I'll be sure to post it on TAM.
I believe you would !! I am a pathetic question askerer myself . I live to question, then sit back & analyze & ponder what I just learned. For some reason - back in the day, even though I talked openly about everything else under the sun, Sex was off the table for me. We did it in the dark, no noises, no hot outfits, if he touched me in a way I didnt care for, I was too embarrased to tell him. Looking back, I realize how insane this was, how boring, restricting, and a waste of Passion. It was there but we didn't outright express it.
I distinctly remember one night , this is so bizare, we just got done having an orgasm together laying in bed & this Seasame Street Ernie Doll in the hallway speaks saying "I feel Great!" -not sure how his buttons got pressed, maybe the cat walking past ! -but for a stuffed Erie doll to help us say what we are accually thinking! We laughed soo hard, couldn't get over the timing. A memory we will never forget.
It was that religious dirty mindset I was carrying around , like "What would Jesus do?" --answer -certainly not masterbate, give Bj's , hell he wouldn't even have sex - let alone talk about it !
Now that this mindset has been unearthed & burned to ashes in my life, LET the FUN & erotic conversations begin and.... never end. The dam has been let loose & the flow is the size of Niagra Falls in me - to speak on such things.
Kobo,
Thanks for the feedback. I was simply suggesting doing something that works very well in my life which is to align your assertiveness/aggressiveness with your abilities.
I personally cringe every time I hear either wives or husbands talk about how the man is "absolutely the head of the household". And the reason I cringe is simple: There is no way your knowledge, skills and decision making are superior to that of your partner in every area. Not possible. Which means she ends up watching you make poor/stupid choices over and over. How does THAT work out?
On the flip side, in more than half of the mature relationships I see the woman has gradually become emotionally dominant overall. And the male has become so conflict avoidant he doesn't even assert/aggress (I know that isn't a word) himself in areas where he KNOWS he is right. One big area where this is true is finances. A read a study of households that run in the "red". In 2/3 of them the wife is the spender, 1/3 the husband.
In the households where the woman is the spender the conversation is not about what is rational / enables retirement but rather how she "feels" - when her "controlling husband" denies her "right" to spend family money sometimes at the expense of college planning.
P.S. - I also recognize that in a world solely controlled by heterosexual males we would all live in Soviet style apartment blocs.
And so - my post. Which since it contained "male" thought DNA and the word dominance provoked the standard reaction.
Mem,
I actually agree with you on this with the exception (in my case) about finances. Despite hubby having a degree in Economics and an MBA, he does not handle the finances and doesn't want to. I wish he would because at times it has been very stressful for me (during the lean years) and it would have been nice to have someone to help out. Creative financing if you will. Also, I must be weird, I HATE shopping. Cannot stand it. I don't overspend and I find malls to be like Dante's Circle.
Thanks for the feedback. I was simply suggesting doing something that works very well in my life which is to align your assertiveness/aggressiveness with your abilities.
I personally cringe every time I hear either wives or husbands talk about how the man is "absolutely the head of the household". And the reason I cringe is simple: There is no way your knowledge, skills and decision making are superior to that of your partner in every area. Not possible. Which means she ends up watching you make poor/stupid choices over and over. How does THAT work out?
I get that. What I cannot fathom is why, just b/c one person has a penis, he thinks he is more competent to make decisions when there is a true stalemate on a matter.
What do you do then?
I'd want to take turns, frankly. "OK, I let you make the decision the last time we reached this point, and since we both feel equally strongly about our positions on this, it is my turn."
It isn't about being "right," either. It is about taking responsibility. I do not find people attractive when they won't take responsibility for decision-making, and I don't feel good about MYSELF when I abdicate responsibility. To me, abdicating responsibility is an extremely weak thing to do, not worthy of an adult. So while I am perfectly willing to let my partner make decisions when he feels more strongly than me about the issue, I need to take responsibility on my share of decisions when we feel equally confident about our positions.
I also would have no respect for someone who tried to insist on making a decision despite an equal degree of confidence--and again, I'd lose respect for myself if I had to have this degree of control in a relationship. It is about mutual trust, in each other and in ourselves.
Brennan,
You are similar to my W. She handles all the bills, and never has liked to shop recreationally. She shops to get specific items. When she does shop she takes a lot of pride in finding good values/things on sale.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brennan
Mem,
I actually agree with you on this with the exception (in my case) about finances. Despite hubby having a degree in Economics and an MBA, he does not handle the finances and doesn't want to. I wish he would because at times it has been very stressful for me (during the lean years) and it would have been nice to have someone to help out. Creative financing if you will. Also, I must be weird, I HATE shopping. Cannot stand it. I don't overspend and I find malls to be like Dante's Circle.
Totally agree. Taking turns is the best approach for the occasional stalemate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sisters359
I get that. What I cannot fathom is why, just b/c one person has a penis, he thinks he is more competent to make decisions when there is a true stalemate on a matter.
What do you do then?
I'd want to take turns, frankly. "OK, I let you make the decision the last time we reached this point, and since we both feel equally strongly about our positions on this, it is my turn."
It isn't about being "right," either. It is about taking responsibility. I do not find people attractive when they won't take responsibility for decision-making, and I don't feel good about MYSELF when I abdicate responsibility. To me, abdicating responsibility is an extremely weak thing to do, not worthy of an adult. So while I am perfectly willing to let my partner make decisions when he feels more strongly than me about the issue, I need to take responsibility on my share of decisions when we feel equally confident about our positions.
I also would have no respect for someone who tried to insist on making a decision despite an equal degree of confidence--and again, I'd lose respect for myself if I had to have this degree of control in a relationship. It is about mutual trust, in each other and in ourselves.
VT,
I imagine your husband has recently benefited from the feedback and support you get on the board.
I generally find your posts to be thoughtful. It has however become apparent that you will do almost anything to avoid apologizing (in public) which is simply not a positive quality.
Everyone makes mistakes and so most people tend to be quite forgiving. But you have to ask.
Happy Holidays.
Quote:
Originally Posted by vthomeschoolmom
My husband thinks that participating on these boards is kind of silly though he would not hesitate to jokingly call me retarded. He also was responding to my comments about some posters view that woman should be submissive iirc.
I get that. What I cannot fathom is why, just b/c one person has a penis, he thinks he is more competent to make decisions when there is a true stalemate on a matter.
What do you do then?
The point of Skill based Dominance is to not have those stalements. The person that has proven that they have managed these issues correctly in the past will be deferred to.
If you haven't proven yourself skillful your wife will have a hard time deferring to you.
My wife is great at researching subject matters. When a decision needs to made that requires a lot of research I generally
defer to my wife. She presents the info she's found and I listen. I then say "How are you leaning" and we generally go with her decision. I'm better at making decisions that may hurt someone's feelings and expressing them to the third party. Like when her mother wanted my daughters to stay with her for the summer. My mother held my daughter's for two summers in a row. We had our reasons and ultimately I said no. My wife agreed and there was no vote. I know she hates saying no and she knows that I have handled these types of situations before successfully with minimal damage to relationships. Stalemates should be at a mminimum. If you are having a bunch of stalemates then you're not practicing "Skill based Dominance". IMO
VT,
I imagine your husband has recently benefited from the feedback and support you get on the board.
Not recently. And not this board.
Quote:
I generally find your posts to be thoughtful. It has however become apparent that you will do almost anything to avoid apologizing (in public) which is simply not a positive quality.
I recall apologizing to Bob for inferring a mis-characterizing of him. I definitely remember apologizing to both Greenpearl and Deejo.
In this incident, I had not even noticed that anyone was bothered by that off-the-cuff, exaggerated quote. I DO tend to think that if you are going to post to online forums, you need your thick skin. And getting your knickers in a twist over such a comment is not my problem.
I own mine when *I* feel I have done something to deserve it. Damn those string willed, independent women who aren't going to apologize when someone else thinks they should! But since I do have strong opinions, my need to apologize happens frequently enough. You will see it again, I am sure.
Quote:
Everyone makes mistakes and so most people tend to be quite forgiving. But you have to ask.
Happy Holidays.
Whom am I asking forgiveness from? You are offended by that comment? MEM, I apologize for having offended you. I have a hard time apologizing for the comment itself since I want to be sincere. Our sense of humor tends to be crass. He said it. I posted it. And I am not particularly sorry that I did. I AM sorry for having offended or hurt a nice person like you. If I were posting directly to you, I would not say it if I thought it would offend.
Re: Skill based dominance 
