After confronting my husband and realizing that I can no longer look at him the same way, that I no longer feel the same way about him , that I can no longer be with him I finally told him that I made my decision and I am going to leave him.
Initially, it seems as if he took the news pretty well. He was surprised but he kept telling me that he respected whatever decision I made and that I deserved to be happy. He moved out that day - slept at a friendís house that night. This was last Friday. Saturday he came by to get some of his belongings, said he was doing ok, was really sorry for everything he did and was mad at himself for treating me so badly but again that he respected my decision and did not want to see me hurting anymore. On Sunday, when he finally told his family (his mom and siblings), he became a mess. He broke down, finally told me that he loves me and was deeply sorry for all of the hurt and pain. All of the lies, taking me for granted, not listening or doing anything to me when I told him numerous times about the problems we were having. He told me he was going to miss me so much, that he'd never forget me, that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he just took it all for granted. Never realized what he really had. Doesn't know why he did what he did (cheating, lying, doing "his thing") and why he risked it all for nothing.
A few days ago, he came by to give me closure/peace of mind. He told me I deserve better that I should not suffer any longer or question did he or didn't he. He confessed to cheating, to lying, to taking advantage of my good nature.Said he would play him self up in front of certain people, that some of the things I thought he did he really didn't he was just playing a part! One example, I found some pretty damning texts that he was fooling around with one of the girls who works for him, he told me he never touched her he just told his friend that he "banged" her b/c his friend figured he gets girls all the time yet this friend 1) knows me and 2) is going through his own divorce b/c he found out his wife was cheating on him.
He still denies ever taking ecstasy in the 8 years we've been together even though I have solid proof that he has. He said that maybe, quite possibly, he was so "banged up" on Vodka RedBulls that maybe someone one slipped him something and he didn't know it... I chimed in and said ok, so quite possibly when you were under this influence you may have gotten really close with some ladies. He said "maybe there was kissing..." and I further chimed in "and as you were kissing things got closer and closer, maybe you started groping, getting close, getting physical" and he just remained quiet...
He does not want me to leave him. He said he can't imagine not being with me and it kills him. My family is in full support of my decision, after knowing everything that I have been through. Some people on the outside look at it as if I didnít give him a chance... I gave him plenty and he knows it and now he's admitting to that and telling people. He saw the signs, he knew things weren't good but he did nothing he let it all just slip away - he admitted that to me.
To me, I am convinced that he never was ready to get married (he did indicate when I confronted him), that he missed being single but was too much of a coward to admit it to me or himself. His actions showed it I think now that he's hearing what a loss he is facing from his family and friends he feels like an idiot...
just found this site. i told my husband its over too and he did almost exactly what u described (minus the cheating) but now he says he is changed and cant live without me, saying things I never heard him say and i just dont feel love for him....but i have guilt that i dont. and feel like i am letting everyone down by divorcing him. - do u think someone can change? am i wrong to have falled out of love? is marriage supposed to have this feeling over time? we together 14 years no kids.
I hope you find this site as helpful as I did. You sound a little like me in the beginning when I started to question my love for my husband and when it really started to change I did feel bad but I explored why I was feeling that way. My husband knew too but just ignored it likes he does with everything else. I got the help of a therapist to get me through this. We went through it all, the numerous betrayals, the chances I gave him, the signs that things were not right and today I am confident in my decision. Of course, I initially felt bad thinking I was letting everyone down by divorcing him but 1) it's your life and you need to do what makes you happy and 2) stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. I was hung up on that for a long time. I come from a traditional family but when I told my parents and siblings what I had endured in 3 years in full detail I had nothing but love and support. I don't know if people can change. My husband had his chances and took it all for granted. People can argue with me that I didn't give him a final chance at this point but I hit the point of no return - I am done, I am gone already. I have put out quite a bit of info on this site but you are the only person who knows what you truly went through and where it put you in life. How can I give him a chance to fix a marriage I don't want to be in anymore? Falling out of love happens - it isn't right and it isn't wrong. Life goes on and things do happen for a reason. If you haven't tried every avenue to resolve your issues then I say work it out - get counseling, talk to someone - priest/pastor/relative. If, on the other hand, you have given your husband chances and have tried to make things work and he just ignores and continues in his ways, then I'd say leave him - your happiness is worth more than then misery you are enduring.
In my situation, I truly didn't know how my wife felt. Yes I knew we argued and it wasn't perfect. I didn't have any idea that outside of arguing about chores and w/e that she was feeling so hurt and not respected; much less what I needed to do to make her feel respected. Theres a lot more to whether it can be worked out or not, but if you husband is serious, he can change.
I wanted to be a good husband, but didn't know how. My wife didn't communicate (or i was unable to hear) how I was messing up and what I could do better until she was seriously considering ending it.
sorry, I should have been more clear. I was mostly responding to turtle, that it is possible that husbands can change. In the right situation it is possible to make a marriage far better.
I don't know that you should forgive your husband. It would take super human will and strength for you both if you were to go that road. What your husband did to you was absolutely terrible. At least some of what your husband did he did because he was hurt and did it to either hurt you back or convince himself that he isn't actually hurt and can be happy without you.
I hurt my wife in the way I acted towards her. She would often give me the attitude that "she was going to do w/e the F*ck she was going to do no matter what I thought". She was so hurt that she would hurt me back or be independent of me. The only way I was able to fix anything was to let her do what she was going to do and try to finish all the chores, get groceries, and read books on how to be a better husband until she trusted me more.
Again, what your husband did was terrible, sorry for not being more clear, and best of luck to you.
Thanks Anx - my husband wasn't hurt he was just taking my trust and understanding for granted. He admitted it to me. He also said, he never realized how good he had it - he was too busy trying to be "the man" ...