I am tired of good guys finishing last. I don't like it because its true inside of a relationship and out. I consider myself a goodhearted person and never like confrontation. Seems like us, the "good guys", never get a break. So after venting a bit I have to ask this. Ladies, is being "good guy" or having huge hearts make us seem weak?
I am tired of good guys finishing last. I don't like it because its true inside of a relationship and out. I consider myself a goodhearted person and never like confrontation.
If you are consistently sacrificing your own beliefs, convictions and desires to avoid conflict, you have no one to blame but yourself. You need to change. Change is often uncomfortable - particularly when most necessary.
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Seems like us, the "good guys", never get a break. So after venting a bit I have to ask this. Ladies, is being "good guy" or having huge hearts make us seem weak?
I'm not a lady. And yes, if you keep putting that huge heart out there for others to constantly harm or break, you look weak. Here is the real key that may help you, if you can think about it and accept it; if you aren't clearly expressing and asserting what you believe, what you want and need, and importantly asserting yourself when someone challenges your beliefs and needs - then you really aren't all that "good" of a guy in the first place.
Hm, yes and no... I think every girl wants to be with a good guy at the end of the day--a man who is kind, generous, loving, and honest. Those are character traits that can't be faked.
But it's how you go about communicating and expressing yourself that can make you appear "weak." Following your girlfriend/wife around like a puppy dog and doing everything she asks makes her feel like you're her servant or somehow beneath her. This can cause her to resent you, take advantage of you, etc. If you always wait around and do whatever she wants to do, then you're not asserting yourself enough and she will lose respect for you. I think it's possible to be a good guy but still act with self respect and confidence--this one's tough to achieve though because sometimes society is just telling men to open doors and buy flowers and be "romantic" instead.
What has happened in your past relationships to make you feel this way?
Hm, yes and no... I think every girl wants to be with a good guy at the end of the day--a man who is kind, generous, loving, and honest. Those are character traits that can't be faked.
But it's how you go about communicating and expressing yourself that can make you appear "weak." Following your girlfriend/wife around like a puppy dog and doing everything she asks makes her feel like you're her servant or somehow beneath her. This can cause her to resent you, take advantage of you, etc. If you always wait around and do whatever she wants to do, then you're not asserting yourself enough and she will lose respect for you. I think it's possible to be a good guy but still act with self respect and confidence--this one's tough to achieve though because sometimes society is just telling men to open doors and buy flowers and be "romantic" instead.
What has happened in your past relationships to make you feel this way?
Quoted for truth.
You can be a good guy/ nice guy w/o being a doormat.
I really appreciate that my husband is pretty good about anticipating my needs, like pouring me a cup of coffee or taking out the trash, or getting my oil changed, ect.
He however will not put up with disrespect. I can't do or say things to walk all over him because he stands up for himself.... though he hates confrontation, too.
You can be confident and assertive and still be a pleasant and loving man.
I think of my marriage as a partnership or a team. There are somethings I am better at than he is and there are some aspects of our relationship he is better at than me. He is better at diffusing arguements, I am better at analysing the source of the contention that caused the arguement.
Granted there are some women (and men) out there that don't know how to treat their partnership w/ respect. They have unreasonable expectations of their mate and punish them when they are not lived up to.
I am not sure what is going on exactly with you, but I think sometimes a confrontation is required when you are being treated poorly.
Unfortunately, I know that some people who don't like confrontations tend to let stuff build up inside and blow up- making an easy conflict into a huge arguement. Try to avoid that by being assertive when neccessary, and not holding stuff in. Be direct, but pleasant, and stand up for yourself, but don't be unreasonable.
I am tired of good guys finishing last. I don't like it because its true inside of a relationship and out. I consider myself a goodhearted person and never like confrontation. Seems like us, the "good guys", never get a break. So after venting a bit I have to ask this. Ladies, is being "good guy" or having huge hearts make us seem weak?
I am not a lady either, although I do look good in a tutu.
I thought you might be interested in a study that was done to test whether nice guys do in fact finish last.
The study was done by Robert Axelrod, and is a bit academic, but is is interesting.
Each 'being' in the computerised model was designed to cooperate (be nice) or 'defect' (be a selfish ****). Some were programmed to always cooperate, some to never cooperate and others to cooperate with those who cooperated with them and punish those who didn't.
In the end the ones who were always nice lost, as did the ones who were always nasty. The ones who were nice until they got jerked around won.
There is even a Congolese word 'ilunga' which means a person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time. I think that is our best bet.
Wow! thats crazy. So, nice guys really do finish last. Just when I look back I realized I was really taking my wife for granted. now that i have realized that and have become clingy, like she was many years ago, she dosent seem to want it anymore. Makes me feel hurt.
Wow! thats crazy. So, nice guys really do finish last. Just when I look back I realized I was really taking my wife for granted. now that i have realized that and have become clingy, like she was many years ago, she dosent seem to want it anymore. Makes me feel hurt.
You may or may not have noticed there is an abundance of advice here dealing with the circumstances you outline. Take a look at it and decide for yourself. If you have questions, there are plenty of people that will give a range of valuable feedback.
If you were previously ignorant of your wife's needs, and now that she has withdrawn from you, you are trying to make amends by 'chasing' her - it won't work. Behaving like you are emotionally wounded because she is rejecting you will only make her behavior worse. You need a different strategy.
You will only finish last if you put yourself in last place.
I klnow it is a struggle sometimes, but you can find a balance between being a good partner and being good to yourself.... if your partner isn't selfish themselves, that is.
You will only finish last if you put yourself in last place.
I klnow it is a struggle sometimes, but you can find a balance between being a good partner and being good to yourself.... if your partner isn't selfish themselves, that is.
For the record, that is the mantra of most of the men here, particularly the recovering nice guys of which I am one.
For the record, that is the mantra of most of the men here, particularly the recovering nice guys of which I am one.
Ha! Well, it is my mantra too.... I mean, I was tired of competing with computer porn, but I realized that I was putting my self and my needs aside, therefore neglecting my husband at the same time!
I have read- with a great deal of facination -the nice guy vs dominant male threads.
I agree with a lot of it in principal. Women are attracted to stronger and assertive manly men....but I do find fault with some of the dominance stuff. As I mentioned before, my marriage is a partnership. I'll admit that there is sometime the element of a power struggle, I do not want a domaneering man. I just want a dude who doesn't feel the need or desire to walk on eggshells for my cmfort but still wants to keep me comfortable, but not to the detriment of his own self esteem (if that makes any sense?).
My mom was very submissive and my dad was very overbearing and dominant. It did a number on my views of what a healthy partnership is supposed to look like. It made it really hard for me to respect either of them for their actions. I hated watching my mom just bow down to every unreasonable request made by my father. I hated my dad for treating my mom so subserviantly and I hated my mom for putting up with it.
I like equality in my relationship.
Sometimes confrontataion is needed to resolve an issue. Sometimes you have to own your emotions and stand up for yourself, sometimes you have to give your spouse a pass. It is a give and take.
/my two cents.
I just want a dude who doesn't feel the need or desire to walk on eggshells for my cmfort but still wants to keep me comfortable, but not to the detriment of his own self esteem (if that makes any sense?).
Makes perfect sense. Sounds like a great deal to me.
I support the dominance stuff, but I honestly think that many people put too much focus on it. Most of the guys here agree, conducting a healthy, happy, mutually beneficial relationship means you slide up and down the scale of alpha and beta.
The dominance piece needs to be discussed and have examples outlined because the concept is utterly foreign to some guys when they read about it for the first time. To me, being dominant is never about making your partner think less of themselves, it's about making them think better of you.
Makes perfect sense. Sounds like a great deal to me.
I support the dominance stuff, but I honestly think that many people put too much focus on it. Most of the guys here agree, conducting a healthy, happy, mutually beneficial relationship means you slide up and down the scale of alpha and beta.
The dominance piece needs to be discussed and have examples outlined because the concept is utterly foreign to some guys when they read about it for the first time. To me, being dominant is never about making your partner think less of themselves, it's about making them think better of you.
I get that.
I think there are two fine lines here... being nice vs. being a doormat, and being dominant or assertive vs being a mean and controlling spouse.
I think it should be a sliding scale and a mix of both alpha and beta on either side of both genders, but I can definitely see how it is hard sometimes to stay w/i those parameters... especially if you don't have a good relationship to model it after.
Absolutely not, JustSomeDude. You only finish last if you're with someone who doesn't appreciate you and this will be true no matter who you are. I'm attracted to goodhearted, kind and patient men. I always have been. I am turned off by the opposite.
I think women like to think men have many layers and so a bada$$ might actually be a goodhearted man underneath and they like the idea that they, alone, have the ability to change this man and reveal his softer side. Women who don't feel obligated to try to change a stallion into a prince know enough to go towards an openly goodhearted man.
Having said all this, I agree with Deejo too.
It's not that you're nice, it's that you need to create a relationship that both excites and supports your wife. She needs to do the same. Unfortunately, resentment has started to build so you both also need to get past that first.
For women, nice guys are keepers. It really makes their life easier.
For men, being a nice guy sucks, since you are not happy. Building up all the frustration inside of your heart is not good, sooner or later, you are going to explode.
Please don't think that women like bad men. Women always get hurt by bad men, and those bad men usually end up with nothing, no love, no true relationships.
A man has to be responsible for himself and his family, a man has to be faithful and affectionate to his wife. A man has to be interested in his wife, knows what she likes and what she doesn't like. A man has to set his happy boundaries so he doesn't build up resentment in his heart.
When you feel you are being pushed around, stop it, stop being pushed around by her, you don't need to be scared that she will act insane, better for her to be insane than you be insane, and she has to stop her inappropriate behavior anyway. You have to let her know what she can't do to you!!!
Tired of the fact. 
