So men help me out with this one. Due to many people's patience, I think I am starting to get the Male Dominance and Nice Guy schticks. (Thanks Deejo and all.)
Here is one where you men may be able to help me understand. How important is feeling desired. Can you feel loved in a spousal way without feeling desired?
Background: So I had surgery recently which you may have read in the other thread. I can't have intercourse. My drive has plummeted due to that (really strange factors that I had not anticipated) and to a lot of life stress lately. But I, apparently, have not just been disinterested in sex. DH says that my desire and my affection are down. I had a really hard time understanding what he was trying to say to me. So I am checking with you guys to see if my new understanding might be on target.
The removal of SEX and even sexual play was not what bothered him. He felt rejected and unloved because of the withdrawal of desire. I was thinking to myself, of course I don' have desire for you. I am actively trying to suppress it to get through the next several months. So when he first told me he did not feel desire, I guess I got annoyed. Like woo hoo 8 weeks of giving you head. What fun for me.
Turns out, if I have this right, that it is the lack of the fiery eyes when I look at him, no smolder. It's the lack of sneaking deep kisses when no one is looking, or rubbing up against the backside.
Is this right? Do you feel love and desire intrinsically linked? He tells me that he feels it back in/from me. But I am not even certain what I am doing differently.
Turns out, if I have this right, that it is the lack of the fiery eyes when I look at him, no smolder. It's the lack of sneaking deep kisses when no one is looking, or rubbing up against the backside.
I think if you can regularly do these kinds of things, you'll be alright. And an occaisional "helping hand" wouldn't be a bad idea either.
Most good men are patient and understanding with respect to these kinds of things.
VT you’re actually “sounding” different now to what you sounded like even just a little while back. There was me thinking it was just you. You’re sounding much better. You were obviously going through something pretty big and sometimes we do get in the depth of it … and forget to smile. And then those that no longer see our smile think they’ve done something wrong.
VT you’re actually “sounding” different now to what you sounded like even just a little while back. There was me thinking it was just you. You’re sounding much better. You were obviously going through something pretty big and sometimes we do get in the depth of it … and forget to smile.
I am the same me. I think as people get to know each other the tone that fails to come through at first is easier to read. I was never not smiling. I was not going through anything. I am just very blunt and to the point and like to discuss things for its own sake.
I got told I was upset with responses that did not upset me in the slightest and such. I think we are just getting to "know" each other a tad better.
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And then those that no longer see our smile think they’ve done something wrong.
VT,
Actually - hands down the nights I feel the most loved are those where I know my W did not start out feeling lust/desire. On those nights her behavior is solely explainable as the desire to please me. And on many of those nights she doesn't reach the rapture - and yet afterwards says it makes her happy to make me happy.
With that said, when desire disappears for a long time - this dynamic begins to fray. Lets face it even the most giving person feels some resentment if sex begins to seem one sided open ended. And the recipient starts to wonder if somehow they are doing something wrong....
When my W's desire goes awol - generally I leave it to her to initiate. But part of the reason for that is she won't let a full week go by without making an overture. If her offer seems a little strained or is clearly guilt driven she gets a hug and I make up some Dr. Seuss like ailment that prevents me from being able to perform. And then I am extra affectionate so she knows her offer was sincerely appreciated.
But she can make me feel desired by touching me in a lightly flirty way during the day. BUT - this is just me - getting me wound up during the day is the one thing that absolutely creates an expectation on my part of connecting that night. Getting me wound up and leaving me hanging is not nice.
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Originally Posted by vthomeschoolmom
So men help me out with this one. Due to many people's patience, I think I am starting to get the Male Dominance and Nice Guy schticks. (Thanks Deejo and all.)
Here is one where you men may be able to help me understand. How important is feeling desired. Can you feel loved in a spousal way without feeling desired?
Background: So I had surgery recently which you may have read in the other thread. I can't have intercourse. My drive has plummeted due to that (really strange factors that I had not anticipated) and to a lot of life stress lately. But I, apparently, have not just been disinterested in sex. DH says that my desire and my affection are down. I had a really hard time understanding what he was trying to say to me. So I am checking with you guys to see if my new understanding might be on target.
The removal of SEX and even sexual play was not what bothered him. He felt rejected and unloved because of the withdrawal of desire. I was thinking to myself, of course I don' have desire for you. I am actively trying to suppress it to get through the next several months. So when he first told me he did not feel desire, I guess I got annoyed. Like woo hoo 8 weeks of giving you head. What fun for me.
Turns out, if I have this right, that it is the lack of the fiery eyes when I look at him, no smolder. It's the lack of sneaking deep kisses when no one is looking, or rubbing up against the backside.
Is this right? Do you feel love and desire intrinsically linked? He tells me that he feels it back in/from me. But I am not even certain what I am doing differently.
VT,
Actually - hands down the nights I feel the most loved are those where I know my W did not start out feeling lust/desire. On those nights her behavior is solely explainable as the desire to please me. And on many of those nights she doesn't reach the rapture - and yet afterwards says it makes her happy to make me happy.
With that said, when desire disappears for a long time - this dynamic begins to fray. Lets face it even the most giving person feels some resentment if sex begins to seem one sided open ended. And the recipient starts to wonder if somehow they are doing something wrong....
When my W's desire goes awol - generally I leave it to her to initiate. But part of the reason for that is she won't let a full week go by without making an overture. If her offer seems a little strained or is clearly guilt driven she gets a hug and I make up some Dr. Seuss like ailment that prevents me from being able to perform. And then I am extra affectionate so she knows her offer was sincerely appreciated.
But she can make me feel desired by touching me in a lightly flirty way during the day. BUT - this is just me - getting me wound up during the day is the one thing that absolutely creates an expectation on my part of connecting that night. Getting me wound up and leaving me hanging is not nice.
MEM,
Some of the most vicious fights we've had include those nights when something was "in the offing" and didn't materialize.
I am CERTAIN I came across a whiny-assed baby when that happened.
I couldn't make my ex understand this when she thought everything was great and I thought we were going to hell in a handbasket.
Sex is the greatest affirmation a guy can get that his woman approves of and loves him.
When we start jumping through hoops ... unsuccessfully to make this happen, it's a bad sign.
But ... those smiles, those gestures, those playful hugs or caresses can be equally affirming that "everything's ok. I love you."
Remove those and sex ... and you have a co-worker or colleague, not a spouse. I'm projecting, so keep that in mind. Now however, we have a different dynamic. Instead of asking her for reassurance, I just tell her; "You should smile more. It suits you." She is now VERY aware that she just doesn't give off the warm fuzzies most of the time. And I know it has nothing to do with me.
He's telling you what he's feeling, are you telling him that you feel like those statements are 'pressure'?
Hopefully the two of you can reach a satisfactory detente while you are on the mend.
And I don't know what everyone is talking about, I've always found you to be delicate, demure and soft-spoken.
Hopefully the two of you can reach a satisfactory detente while you are on the mend.
I think we want to not feel detached from each other for this time period, do no harm that needs to be undone. But we both have a lot of faith that all will be well. We can look at each other and smile and know it will be ok even if it feels weird now.
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And I don't know what everyone is talking about, I've always found you to be delicate, demure and soft-spoken.
If I understand correctly about your medical situation, you will be able to have sex a few months later, right?
Here is a touching story about me and my husband.
A few months after we had decided to date officially, one time, I was bleeding a lot, a lot. Lasted quite a few days. I knew it was abnormal, so Boker took me to a clinic, the doctor had a test for me. One week later they called me to his clinic and he said I had something serious. He told me that I had cervix cancer( 0 stage), the doctor told me it was curable. But I didn't tell Boker clearly, you know, he didn't understand much Chinese, especially medical terms. I told him I had cancer. Do you know what happened? Boker's face went pale and he started to feel dizzy, the doctor had to let him lie on the bed. Then I made him feel better by telling him it was curable. Later I asked him why he fainted in the clinic. He told me that he was scared of losing me. He thought that I had cancer and he knew what cancer can do to people. From then on, he realized that he loved me dearly, he didn't want to lose me. We were not living together at that time, that night, he moved in to live with me, and our relationship became very stable afterwards. I had my surgery, not cervix removal, the doctor cut off the infected area, another kind of surgery. I think your surgery is more serious. Anyway, I am fine now.
After the surgery, the doctor told us that no sex for three months. My husband was very understanding of me, he looked after me daily, we cuddled a lot, we kissed a lot, we were still showing each other a lot of affection. I did a lot of oral during those days, I couldn't make him come orally, but I gave him a lot of blow jobs, then he would masturbate and come.
The day when we could have sex, it was so powerful that we will never forget.............................
If I understand correctly about your medical situation, you will be able to have sex a few months later, right?
Yes. Nothing permanently bad/
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Here is a touching story about me and my husband.
A few months after we had decided to date officially, one time, I was bleeding a lot, a lot. Lasted quite a few days. I knew it was abnormal, so Boker took me to a clinic, the doctor had a test for me. One week later they called me to his clinic and he said I had something serious. He told me that I had cervix cancer( 0 stage), the doctor told me it was curable. But I didn't tell Boker clearly, you know, he didn't understand much Chinese, especially medical terms. I told him I had cancer. Do you know what happened? Boker's face went pale and he started to feel dizzy, the doctor had to let him lie on the bed. Then I made him feel better by telling him it was curable. Later I asked him why he fainted in the clinic. He told me that he was scared of losing me. He thought that I had cancer and he knew what cancer can do to people. From then on, he realized that he loved me dearly, he didn't want to lose me. We were not living together at that time, that night, he moved in to live with me, and our relationship became very stable afterwards. I had my surgery, not cervix removal, the doctor cut off the infected area, another kind of surgery. I think your surgery is more serious. Anyway, I am fine now.
Thank god. Happiness is not having a cervix and not having to die in the process. I am glad it came out ok.
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After the surgery, the doctor told us that no sex for three months. My husband was very understanding of me, he looked after me daily, we cuddled a lot, we kissed a lot, we were still showing each other a lot of affection. I did a lot of oral during those days, I couldn't make him come orally, but I gave him a lot of blow jobs, then he would masturbate and come.
The day when we could have sex, it was so powerful that we will never forget.............................
Thank god. Happiness is not having a cervix and not having to die in the process. I am glad it came out ok.
I am scared. What if it hurts?
No, it doesn't hurt. Just take it slowly until you are totally recovered. We actually hurried into sex! And it didn't hurt! I was so horny, I couldn't wait for his toy to come in.
But if I remember correctly, my vagina was dry for a couple of years after the surgery, I had to use lube. I thought it was because of my age, but now I am very wet when we have sex, I stopped using lube last year.
When we can't have real sex due to medical situation, affection and physical touch can still make our men feel a lot of love from us. They are loving men, they understand us. They know they have to be gentle when we are weak. We just need to do things to let them know we love them dearly! When we are healthy, they'll have their fun again!!!
feeling love/desired 
And it didn't hurt! I was so horny, I couldn't wait for his toy to come in. 
