I've been with a man for over 2yrs and at some point I want to get married. It can't happen until my son goes to college in 3yrs. However he's not sure he wants to remarry but he does want to live together. I don't feel that is enough of a commitment. Do some men think living together is enough of a commitment or does he just want a way out?
My sister is divorced and says she will never marry again. she's with a boy now that she really loves. they live together, share expensive, and basically live like they are married. He asked her to marry him and she said no. she thinks it ruins a relationship. Its not that she doesnt love him or want to be committed to him, she just thinks signing the paper does funny things to people. She thinks its working now so why change anything.
Men more then woman can be the losers in divorse. If he lives with you and you split he still has all his stuff and all his accounts. If you divorce then he can lose half or more of it. Judges are not normally fair when it comes to divorce. It is sad to say that. Some are changing though, but the issue should be gender neutral. Further some people (Men and Women) Just don't want a drawn out divorce when they can have cleaner breaks.
Pesonally I did get marriage again because when I found the right woman I wanted to show her the commitment. I wanted that buffer of divorce. I wanted to stay with her forever.
I was divorced once before but that didn't stop me from getting married again, but then again I was 20 years old the first time I got married and it didn't last long and this second time I am still relatively young and hoping to raise a family.
Now, if your boyfriend is an older gentleman and has been in a long term relationship before, was in marriage that went wrong, already raised a family or has generally been there and done that already, then it's completely understandable why he would not want to sign too long of a contract anymore. You have to understand that it's romantic to you as women for a man to vow forever but forever is a long time and an older man that knows better, knows better.
Honestly what's the difference if he is by your side as a husband or just by your side. Just trust that he will be there and make an effort to keep him wanting to be there instead of trying to lock him in to a contract.
Thank you so much, what you say makes alot of sense. he was married and he's in his late 40's and I'm in my mid 40's so we aren't going to have anymore kids. I just don't want to introduce my Bf at the age of 60. Marriage just seems more permanent.
We are raised to think that marriage means more permanent, but in my opinion, divorce is just a more expensive breakup. The reason marriages don't seem as permanent these days is because people choose to divorce rather than work hard through problems. Until that changes, marriage won't be anything more than a legally binding, though not indestructible, relationship.
Its already been said that some older men have a "once bitten twice shy" attitude towards it. If he's still paying off debt from the divorce, or he spent years living in a dingy apartment after having worked hard to have a nice place, its no wonder he wouldn't want to risk losing it again. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means that he probably didn't think the first relationship would fail and it did, so why take another chance.
lucylove, I completely understand your not wanting to be grandparent age and still introducing him as your "boyfriend" but there are no rules, you could introduce your man, lover, better half, however you like.
If he has no issue with it, you may even call him your husband, heck you guys can even have a ceremony to announce/declare/profess your love and devotion to each other in front of your friends and family without any "LEGAL" paperwork being filed, if he doesn't mind of coarse.
Like draconis stated;
"Many more people are not getting married as easily now a day. But then again fewer are getting divorced."
All that truly matters is your love and how you treat each other.
well having a first disasterous marraige. i did not think that i wouldnt remarry if i met the right bloke.
im married again and have been with hubby for 13 years. not an easy ride, but who does get one.
but im not marrying again, ever.
i cant speak for the future, and i assume my thoughts might change - not about remarrying- thats a no no.
but i dont want some bloke really taking over, what i can and cant do. theyd put new pressures on you because that person would have different demands to maybe a previous partner.
with relationships changing and finishing at alarming rates.
ppl are more and staying independent. it doesnt mean there n e less committed.
I'm going to go a little off-topic here, but I do find that feminism, opportunity, and wealth has really crushed the "traditional" idea of a family and marriage. I'm not saying that this is good or bad, but that it's changing and it's all ready been happening. Women really are now independent and have options. This is a good thing, individually.
Now as a whole in terms of developed societies, we are seeing the effects. Higher divorce rates and a decrease in marriages. We also see lower birth rates in developed countries, including the US. The immigrants and minorities are the reasons the average birth rate in the U.S. stays above 2+ child per couple (and below 3 per couple).
Everyone has a valid answer and reasons. I might even say it sounds reasonable to just live together. Tell me this, If I live in his house and pay rent and clean the house. If I'm there to upkeep everything, where does that leave me in 10yrs?. I've had already sold my house and didn't built equity, while he does. Is that fair to me? Say we live together for 10yrs and break up. I get to pack my bags and start over at 55yrs old?. Having kept up his house and his land?
Any ideas how that would work?
You don't have to be married to be happy. If you ask around, and if other girls will tell ya the truth, they would say .. I wouldn't re-marry either. LOL..they might even go as far as to tell ya.. I
don't no why I even bothered to the first time around.
I have never married, been with my partner for 19 years.
The reason why I have never married was because of all the weddings I have ever been to,I am in my 40's, only two have stuck it out for more than 10 years. Needless to say that is a whole lot of marriages that didn't work. Marriage, to me, almost seems a bit phony.
Commitment is a state of mind, not a piece of paper.
I also found that the whole marriage thing was way too public for us. My commitment is to my partner, and does not have to be publicized to anybody else.