"My responsibility to the family is all predicated on me staying healthy, sane and employed."
Perfect! I think I'll just reply to everything with that answer from now on!
And Bob - I've always thought that kids learn a lot more from what they see than what you tell them. So there are likely two things I'm struggling with
First - they've seen me being "overly helpful" to Mom and willing to do more than my fair share.
Second - they know I'm a "Nice Guy" who has problems saying no. Wanting to make people happy or keep the peace isn't only a marriage/relationship thing - it can also be a work thing or a parent thing.
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
I found it was the things in my life that I would not tolerate that brought about the biggest change and defined exactly who I am at my very core. But I let it get to the situation where it was actually “impossible” for me to tolerate any more. I would have been a gibbering wreck of a man if I had.
Your N.U.T.s. once you have them! will define who you are both to yourself and others around you. But don’t be like me and get to the point where you cannot take any more. At least declare 3 N.U.T.s. before it does and use that as a learning process for both you and your family.
Your N.U.T.s. once you have them! will define who you are both to yourself and others around you. But don’t be like me and get to the point where you cannot take any more. At least declare 3 N.U.T.s. before it does and use that as a learning process for both you and your family.
Thanks Bob.
So does this mean another book recommendation (Holding onto your N.U.Ts.)?
NG,
Is your W consistently doing the "lifestyle" things that help her feel better: diet, exercise, sleep, etc. ?
This is often the paradox of CFS/fibromyalgia - the "more" you do of the right things the better you feel. The less you do the worse you feel physically and the more depressed you become.
We bought the "WII fit plus" for Christmas. It is fun and way better for us than the 2 hours of tv we were watching at night.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nice777guy
I forgot to mention that also, while at the library, I'll check out 4 or 5 Judo/martial arts books. These are the books that will make it into reading basket in the bathroom and actually get looked at!
Both girls and I were doing this two nights a week, so it somewhat counted as family time AND exercise. Youngest daughter has decided to drop out and do something different - which is probably good for a few reasons.
Not sure that this is "meditative" like jogging, but it certainly relieves stress, is helping me get into better shape, gives a sense of accomplishment, and counts towards "family" time.
But I'd better mark my calendar to avoid any late fees.
I see you mentioned a calendar. Maybe not helpful for time management but "Organization" of time .& others know what is happening many times ...
My life & family of 8 could not operate without calendars, I carry a 12-month pocket calendar everywhere I go & a HUGE Desk calendar hangs on my door in my kitchen. Kids & husband know where to look to see IF a certain day is free - if a new event can be schedueld in at a glance. Because of this, we never forget anything-unless we want too. Even returning those Library Books!
This makes our Life so much easier - with this one going here, that one going there, pick him up this time, her that time.
A studying of the Family calendar is second nature in our house.
So you have such a set up at your house ? that you & her can pencil things in -you know what is happening with her, you , the kids -without even asking many times.
If exercise for her is also something she needs/wants, netflix streams a bunch of good yoga vids as well as all manner of workout/aerobic vids.
If you have Comcast ONDemand, go into Exercise, a very nice Variety to choose from. This is what we use when we muster up the determination to exercise. We need to do it more too.
NG,
Is your W consistently doing the "lifestyle" things that help her feel better: diet, exercise, sleep, etc. ?
This is often the paradox of CFS/fibromyalgia - the "more" you do of the right things the better you feel. The less you do the worse you feel physically and the more depressed you become.
We bought the "WII fit plus" for Christmas. It is fun and way better for us than the 2 hours of tv we were watching at night.
She's mainly relying on supplements right now.
From what I understand, a small amount of moderate exercise (something like the Wii Fit - which we do have) would definitely help her. Days like yesterday - when she overdoes it - can sometimes knock her down so to speak for 2 days.
So as I've said before, when she's excited about something (re-arranging the girls' rooms for new TVs) she finds the strength and energy. But she will often crash and burn afterwards.
But no, she isn't doing the recommended moderate exercise.
You haven't bought the book and you don't have any N.U.T.s.
I am truly amazed.
How so? Did you have no N.U.T.s. until you bought the book? Does the book come with N.U.T.s.? Do they come in a separate package?
Obviously you've been in my shoes, otherwise why would YOU buy a book with that kind of title?
And I do have boundaries (or nuts or whatever). I just need to learn to communicate and enforce them in better ways.
And I still need to do some soul searching as to what I really want. I just have such a tendency to get stuck in my own head - I'm afraid I'll get hit by a bus before I ever feel like I've got this $hit nailed down.
Another reason I like Judo - gives me a chance to actually DO something physical. Funny thing with forward rolls - I'm constantly questioning my technique. When I try to do it with what i think is the "correct" technique, I land on my shoulder and it hurts for a week (its actually a small shoulder separation).
But if I just go with what feels right I seem to do just fine. I move a decent distance across the mat and come up facing the right direction.
How so? Did you have no N.U.T.s. until you bought the book? Does the book come with N.U.T.s.? Do they come in a separate package?
Obviously you've been in my shoes, otherwise why would YOU buy a book with that kind of title?
And I do have boundaries (or nuts or whatever). I just need to learn to communicate and enforce them in better ways.
And I still need to do some soul searching as to what I really want. I just have such a tendency to get stuck in my own head - I'm afraid I'll get hit by a bus before I ever feel like I've got this $hit nailed down.
Another reason I like Judo - gives me a chance to actually DO something physical. Funny thing with forward rolls - I'm constantly questioning my technique. When I try to do it with what i think is the "correct" technique, I land on my shoulder and it hurts for a week (its actually a small shoulder separation).
But if I just go with what feels right I seem to do just fine. I move a decent distance across the mat and come up facing the right direction.
Physical judo and emotional judo are the same. Someone asks you to do something that you can't do without being overextended. You use "their" forward momentum which is represented by their request - and pull them forward with:
I want to do that for you and I CAN if you are able to help me with X,Y,Z.
And I always say "able" not willing. Willingness can be argued. Ableness cannot.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nice777guy
How so? Did you have no N.U.T.s. until you bought the book? Does the book come with N.U.T.s.? Do they come in a separate package?
Obviously you've been in my shoes, otherwise why would YOU buy a book with that kind of title?
And I do have boundaries (or nuts or whatever). I just need to learn to communicate and enforce them in better ways.
And I still need to do some soul searching as to what I really want. I just have such a tendency to get stuck in my own head - I'm afraid I'll get hit by a bus before I ever feel like I've got this $hit nailed down.
Another reason I like Judo - gives me a chance to actually DO something physical. Funny thing with forward rolls - I'm constantly questioning my technique. When I try to do it with what i think is the "correct" technique, I land on my shoulder and it hurts for a week (its actually a small shoulder separation).
But if I just go with what feels right I seem to do just fine. I move a decent distance across the mat and come up facing the right direction.
How so? Did you have no N.U.T.s. until you bought the book? Does the book come with N.U.T.s.? Do they come in a separate package?
Obviously you've been in my shoes, otherwise why would YOU buy a book with that kind of title?
And I do have boundaries (or nuts or whatever). I just need to learn to communicate and enforce them in better ways.
And I still need to do some soul searching as to what I really want. I just have such a tendency to get stuck in my own head - I'm afraid I'll get hit by a bus before I ever feel like I've got this $hit nailed down.
Another reason I like Judo - gives me a chance to actually DO something physical. Funny thing with forward rolls - I'm constantly questioning my technique. When I try to do it with what i think is the "correct" technique, I land on my shoulder and it hurts for a week (its actually a small shoulder separation).
But if I just go with what feels right I seem to do just fine. I move a decent distance across the mat and come up facing the right direction.
"No mind"
NG, I have absolutely no wish to add anymore friction and discord into your life.
Have I been where you are? Not in exact same places and circumstances obviously. But you gotta believe in 40 years you find yourself in many “places” you wish just didn’t happen. One of those was my stbx’s affair. Another time I’ve been so depressed I actually had suicidal thoughts because of “all the weight I was carrying on my shoulders”. I just could not get my stbx to share the financial burden in my marriage no matter what I tried. So yes, I’ve been there. There are many that have walked your walk although in different circumstances and we all handle these things differently.
Did I have N.U.T.s. before? Most definitely not. I was way over tolerant and way too patient and it did me a lot of harm. A codependent Nice Guy. Do I wish I had N.U.T.s. before? I most certainly do. Not just for my own good but for the good of my family as well. I could of course recommend to you all the things I did wrong!
But you sure as heck aren’t going to improve your situation by continuing to do the same things.
Re: Just Dealing With It All 
