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Old 12-29-2010, 09:39 AM   #61 (permalink)
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Maybe taking her to a church would help her. Get more spiritual food, and start thinking more about others and do more things for others.
After what the missus and I has just been through... NO WAY!
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Old 12-29-2010, 09:47 AM   #62 (permalink)
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After what the missus and I has just been through... NO WAY!
Dude,

There is a lot of wisdom in the Bible, people who are smart take the nutrition, ignore the poison!

His wife is different from yours. His doesn't even go out, she needs to be around positive people. People who go to churches are still more positive about life, my experience! Not all people are brainwashed, we just need to watch out!
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Old 12-29-2010, 09:51 AM   #63 (permalink)
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VT - I'm really just kidding. If I had to guess, I would say that I will probably live longer than my wife. Just a hunch.

My wife quit going to church several years ago, but the kids and I still go sometimes. This was my wife's childhood church and when I go, I sit next to my in-laws.

My wife got upset with the way a female pastor was treated after she spoke out at a conference in favor of gay marriage. She saw an ugly side to some good people she'd known her whole life. The pastor resigned as a result of the conflict.

She's also admitted that she is mad at God for giving her fibro while also questioning his existence.

On a small but positive note, she "friended" our pastor on FB yesterday.
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Old 12-29-2010, 09:53 AM   #64 (permalink)
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I know, I know, just, be choosy and careful with some churches yeah lol.
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Old 12-29-2010, 09:58 AM   #65 (permalink)
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Our church does a lot of good community service activities and basically survives on fundraisers. I take my kids so that they can be exposed to that sort of "giving" or charity. Overall its a good group of people to expose my children to.

If they happen to pick something up from the sermon from time to time, then that's alright too.
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:06 AM   #66 (permalink)
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VT - I'm really just kidding. If I had to guess, I would say that I will probably live longer than my wife. Just a hunch.

My wife quit going to church several years ago, but the kids and I still go sometimes. This was my wife's childhood church and when I go, I sit next to my in-laws.

My wife got upset with the way a female pastor was treated after she spoke out at a conference in favor of gay marriage. She saw an ugly side to some good people she'd known her whole life. The pastor resigned as a result of the conflict.

She's also admitted that she is mad at God for giving her fibro while also questioning his existence.

On a small but positive note, she "friended" our pastor on FB yesterday.
NG,

I don't believe in GOD's existence either, but I know clearly that there is a lot for us to learn in the Bible. I read the whole Bible twice, underlined all the scriptures I find great, I changed a lot. It teaches us to understand about ourselves and people around us. It teaches us to be humble and be loving. It teaches us to more giving and less complaining! Sometimes other people cause us stumble, but it shows that we are still too naive about people.

We study the Bible to refine ourselves, to have a better understanding about this life, to have a more peaceful mind about this life, not because of paradise or heaven.
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:14 AM   #67 (permalink)
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Our church does a lot of good community service activities and basically survives on fundraisers. I take my kids so that they can be exposed to that sort of "giving" or charity. Overall its a good group of people to expose my children to.

If they happen to pick something up from the sermon from time to time, then that's alright too.
My son goes to church every Sunday, churches are still good places for children to grow up. I don't worry about my son, he is becoming a wonderful boy. Mature and responsible. The Bible teaches us to be good people. We want to be good people. And the Bible sets a lot of good boundaries for us. We stay in the circle, we have a safe life, we stay out of the circle, we face dangers. The moral standards in the Bible are really something we want our kids to have.

We just need to be careful that we can still think for ourselves! Don't let people influence us!
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:17 AM   #68 (permalink)
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NG,

I don't believe in GOD's existence either, but I know clearly that there is a lot for us to learn in the Bible. I read the whole Bible twice, underlined all the scriptures I find great, I changed a lot. It teaches us to understand about ourselves and people around us. It teaches us to be humble and be loving. It teaches us to more giving and less complaining! Sometimes other people cause us stumble, but it shows that we are still too naive about people.

We study the Bible to refine ourselves, to have a better understanding about this life, to have a more peaceful mind about this life, not because of paradise or heaven.
To me, the Bible - especially the New Testament - is like a good set of fables. I do believe in God or some sort of universal energy force (almost more like Mother Nature really), but I think that organized religion can actually block you from that connection sometimes.

Never liked the idea that I had to go to a special building (a church) on Sunday mornings to connect to my maker, as I feel I can do that any time, any place. And all the different types of organized religious organizations just seem to divide people and cause conflict.
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:26 AM   #69 (permalink)
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To me, the Bible - especially the New Testament - is like a good set of fables. I do believe in God or some sort of universal energy force (almost more like Mother Nature really), but I think that organized religion can actually block you from that connection sometimes.

Never liked the idea that I had to go to a special building (a church) on Sunday mornings to connect to my maker, as I feel I can do that any time, any place. And all the different types of organized religious organizations just seem to divide people and cause conflict.
If you are good at self studying, reading the Bible at home is actually better. I did all the reading myself.

Organized religion only cares about their membership, it is actually very selfish of them, on the contrary of what the Bible is teaching. And people are still people, they want power.

Let's count your wife's blessing. She has such a wonderful husband, she doesn't need to go to work, she doesn't need to compete with the world. I am sure she has caring parents! I am sure she has a nice place to live. What doesn't she have?
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:27 AM   #70 (permalink)
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I don't know. I think its just been a bit crazy over the last month. I think I'm more afraid that I will fall back into old patterns. Creating and enforcing boundaries is much easier when you have a physical distance between you and you feel you've really got nothing to lose.

There’s wisdom in your words NG.

Though I don’t see the need for a “physical distance” before establishing personal boundaries. They’re not a physical distance thing. In fact they are the opposite of that. They are emotional and psychological boundaries there to protect our heart, soul and spirit.

I’ve been trying to urge and somewhat inspire you to create your personal boundaries BEFORE you feel you have nothing to lose. Otherwise you may be just like me and your personal boundaries will be issued as an ultimatum. It’s my way or the highway type of thing.

My ultimatums came after a nervous breakdown when I just couldn’t take anymore. So they were quite literally erected for self protection. I don’t regret what I did for one minute, it either had to end or my stbx had to step up to the mark and change her behaviour.

But. But if I’d had personal boundaries in the first place and given my stbx time to understand them and get used to them and “behave differently” then I think it more than likely we’d still be living happily together.

Bob
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:40 AM   #71 (permalink)
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NG, there is always a ton more work during the holidays not only b/c of holiday festivities, but b/c everyone is home making messes all day! I'm sure you understand why stay at home moms are cheering on the street corners that first day "back to school" in the fall? God, you love 'em and you miss 'em, but MAN are they a lot of work! Wouldn't have it any other way, of course.
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:41 AM   #72 (permalink)
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Bob,
Your post reflects a very high level of self awareness. A long marriage becomes like an oil tanker. There is a tremendous amount of emotional momentum and precedent. Attempting to turn it like a speedboat typically fractures the hull.

That said - like an oil tanker a steady firm pressure on the wheel WILL allow you to change direction over time.

NG,
I truly believe the most difficult aspect of your situation is that you truly cannot know how your W subjectively "feels". How tired she is. How depressed she is - because she is tired. How much MORE tired she is because being depressed amplifies the physical problem.

I do think a loving supportive tone coupled with the consistent message of "if you can do X, it will free me up to do Y, which is something we both want" will allow her to create a positive association between activity and a positive result that she wants. I also think that if you always just "step up" she will do "less" and will ultimately feel less happy overall AND with you.



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There’s wisdom in your words NG.

Though I don’t see the need for a “physical distance” before establishing personal boundaries. They’re not a physical distance thing. In fact they are the opposite of that. They are emotional and psychological boundaries there to protect our heart, soul and spirit.

I’ve been trying to urge and somewhat inspire you to create your personal boundaries BEFORE you feel you have nothing to lose. Otherwise you may be just like me and your personal boundaries will be issued as an ultimatum. It’s my way or the highway type of thing.

My ultimatums came after a nervous breakdown when I just couldn’t take anymore. So they were quite literally erected for self protection. I don’t regret what I did for one minute, it either had to end or my stbx had to step up to the mark and change her behaviour.

But. But if I’d had personal boundaries in the first place and given my stbx time to understand them and get used to them and “behave differently” then I think it more than likely we’d still be living happily together.

Bob
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:47 AM   #73 (permalink)
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Why do people feel depressed?

Some people are depressed because their life isn't the way they wanted.

Some people are depressed because of being hurt in the past.

Some people are depressed because of losing loved ones( one good reason)

Some people are depressed because they are bored, they have nothing to do!

Why aren't busy people depressed? They just don't have time to feel sorry for themselves!
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:51 AM   #74 (permalink)
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NG,
I truly believe the most difficult aspect of your situation is that you truly cannot know how your W subjectively "feels". How tired she is. How depressed she is - because she is tired. How much MORE tired she is because being depressed amplifies the physical problem.

I do think a loving supportive tone coupled with the consistent message of "if you can do X, it will free me up to do Y, which is something we both want" will allow her to create a positive association between activity and a positive result that she wants. I also think that if you always just "step up" she will do "less" and will ultimately feel less happy overall AND with you.
Yes - if it were cancer, or if she were paralyzed, I would naturally step up out of necessity.
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Old 12-29-2010, 11:26 AM   #75 (permalink)
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Bob,
Your post reflects a very high level of self awareness. A long marriage becomes like an oil tanker. There is a tremendous amount of emotional momentum and precedent. Attempting to turn it like a speedboat typically fractures the hull.

That said - like an oil tanker a steady firm pressure on the wheel WILL allow you to change direction over time.

NG,
I truly believe the most difficult aspect of your situation is that you truly cannot know how your W subjectively "feels". How tired she is. How depressed she is - because she is tired. How much MORE tired she is because being depressed amplifies the physical problem.

I do think a loving supportive tone coupled with the consistent message of "if you can do X, it will free me up to do Y, which is something we both want" will allow her to create a positive association between activity and a positive result that she wants. I also think that if you always just "step up" she will do "less" and will ultimately feel less happy overall AND with you.

I like you’re analogy. I used similar with software development processes. Got this big ship of a corporation heading for the 300 ft waterfall and all they’ve done is attached a few fishing lines to turn it away from a certain plunge. I was a key member of external teams that helped turn them around. Couldn’t do it with my marriage though. I’ve since found out I was selling my wares to someone who didn’t want to buy! Even though I think now she’s changed her mind. It’s a strange world.
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