Would love to have that lifestyle but to most its desctrutive,Ive realized that the more you take care of a women the more they want,spoil them? not enough. or am I just CRAZY!!!!I feel like Ive done most things right & its all my faught told its my fought! Went to the therapest & asked that same ?,your not crazy just blind sided by what has happened. well at least the wife agreed to go to therapy this friday,see what happens!
Staying at home to take care of children isn't a lavish lifestyle. If you think being a SAHM will keep her happy regardless of other things in her life, you're sorely mistaken.
Staying at home to take care of children isn't a lavish lifestyle. If you think being a SAHM will keep her happy regardless of other things in her life, you're sorely mistaken.
Simple question - what's the longest time you've ever stayed at home alone with your children?
I remember a week when my youngest daughter was about 2 and my wife had a week-long training session, so I took off work.
Some women pine for the day they could be a SAHM and be supported and raise the family. These are women who went out into the workforce and discovered it wasn't all fat paychecks and intellectual stimulation.
Then there are others who feel like the home is a prision when they do get that.
It seems it's a human trait that people can't be happy where they are at.
Now, that being said, I do think women, as a human, struggle with this more than men. I mean, when Oprah dedicates shows and shows to the idea of gratitude and fostering it, it says something that's a deficiency IMHO. So, I see what you are saying, even though it's not PC.
I am not sure what it is, but you can't blame yourself. I know I did. . .you can just lay it all out - this is the lifestyle I can provide, I can alter here or there a bit for you by helping out, by making these accomodations, etc. . .if you can't deal with that and be happy. . .well, you and I are wasting our lives together then.
She should feel free to pursue the lifestyle she feels entitled to.
For 13 years as soon as I got home from work ive took over duties bathed diapers tuck them in everynight, took care of them on the weekends stayed home from work when she was sick everything a good dad should do Ive done but still not enough always more could be done some of the stories Ive read on here of what women have put up with is crazy,mine just tells me I dont feel the same about you when Ive done just about everything I could do to have a good home life for my family .. sorry Im just venting getting angry nowneeded to vent!
never said it was easy but If I had the chance I would do it in a minute! would love to stay at home & be a stay at home dad,my kids are 6,11,13 now.
So you say. Do you know how much fun it is to spend your entire day doing
get the kids on the bus
do the laundry
clean up the breakfast dishes
do the day's cleaning
prep dinner
do the bills
get the kids off the bus
help with homework
rinse, repeat Day After Day. It is mind numbing. Boring.
I am a home schooling stay at home mom of school aged kids, The people who think we sit home and eat bons bons are INSANE.
That said, it is true that some people lapse into boredom inspired mega boredom.
For me, I cannot wait to get back to work next year. The benefits of home schooling thus far have been awesome. But it has been no boon for me.
well Im sure women are different some do more than others always said you have a hard job always complimented on house when everything was strait even when I seen things not done for days I never complained most of the time I cleaned it up myself.But when you have to go get a job things would look different,wasnt that bad.
I could NEVER be a stay at home mom! It would be wayyy too difficult for me. I mean emotionally difficult; I get bored, anxious, and need to get out and do something and something that I find to be meaningful. I get that raising my kids is supposed to be all the "meaning" and fulfillment that I technically need...But I'm going into a career that is morally fulfilling and that I know I will love. It's different for everyone; if I were in business or waitressing/nannying like I do now, I would find being a SAHM much more fulfilling. However, I will be improving peoples' lives in ways that matter much more than I would be improving my children's situation by being at home. And I will not be a replaceable member of the workforce in the same way that an accountant or a secretary is replaceable. It's just a tough place b/c I feel like I'm a bad person either way. I'm torn between my moral responsibility to my family and my moral responsibility to society and the community. Ideally, I would like to work part time so I wouldn't have to choose one over the other.
I also really, really don't like hearing SAHMs complain about how hard it is to cook dinner and do laundry, etc. especially when they have kids in school for 6+ hours a day! I think the reason for my negative attitude towards these women is mostly because they scare the **** out of me! I'm worried that if I stay home, I'll get "stressed" because I have laundry to do or kids to drive to soccer practice. I wouldn't want that for myself. Especially since now I do all of those things and they're not a big deal...I'm worried that if school/work isn't there, I'll start getting stressed about inconsequential things like dinner or vacuuming or something and I'll make myself unhappy. There are plenty of SAHMs who enjoy it and aren't stressed, but I'm worried I wouldn't be one of those moms lol. I've found that when I have infinite free time, I never get anything done. I could have all day to do the laundry but somehow I just get distracted or keep putting it off...I couldn't have that happen every day lol. It takes a certain degree of self motivation that I lack when I don't have a well defined schedule.
Anyway, I will close by saying that I do have a lot of respect for people who choose to stay at home and are happy with their choice. Especially you, VT! Homeschooling is so tough, but you seem to feel passionately about it and I can tell that your kids are probably benefiting so much from it. I understand that being a SAHM in general is stressful at times, but for the women who get through it and find joy and meaning in it, that's very admirable!
However, I don't respect women who stay at home and are unhappy and rude to their families and constantly "stressed" over nothing, because this is the sort of behavior that I wouldn't respect in myself. And it's behavior that I will prevent in myself (hopefully).
I could NEVER be a stay at home mom! It would be wayyy too difficult for me. I mean emotionally difficult; I get bored, anxious, and need to get out and do something and something that I find to be meaningful. I get that raising my kids is supposed to be all the "meaning" and fulfillment that I technically need...
It is hard to get past the fact that is it just freaking boring. If your kids are in school or very small, you have fewer technical challenges. I am lucky because I learn things about spelling that I never learned in school. (Did you know that there is a method to the madness, and you don't have to just memorize lists?!?) I get to teach algebra! And I get to do "PE" with the kids.
But damn, every day there are three meals of dishes. There are at least 2 loads of laundry. Since the house is lived in, the housework is way more. Yes, as a parent, you are charged with making sure the kids are engaged in it. But that is not always a blessing either!
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But I'm going into a career that is morally fulfilling and that I know I will love.
Nobody can tell you what you find fulfilling.
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It's different for everyone; if I were in business or waitressing/nannying like I do now, I would find being a SAHM much more fulfilling.
Let me speak from the stand point who IS a stay at home Mom. Full time. 24x7. Yah it is full filling. Yesterday we went for a snow shoe. Bonding up the gaazoo. It is also immensely frustrating. The <swear word> shoes are in the middle of the hall AGAIN. You are not TWO. Ok let's develop a routine or habit so that we can remember to put SOCKS ON before going out in the 20 degree temperatures.
I have been a software engineer. I have done all tiers of software support. I have been an software analyst. When I tell you that raising kids properly requires problem solving skills that DWARF these other careers, I am not even close to joking. Why can't that kid learn to tie his shoes (figure out subtraction with borrowing, clean his room...)? Fine motor skills? Attention span? Laziness? Needs a beatin'? (I don't even believe in corporal punishment let alone abuse, I jest.)
Oy I swear.
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However, I will be improving peoples' lives in ways that matter much more than I would be improving my children's situation by being at home. And I will not be a replaceable member of the workforce in the same way that an accountant or a secretary is replaceable. It's just a tough place b/c I feel like I'm a bad person either way.
Oh to hell with the guilt. DO your best. Then don't worry about it. The guilt helps no one.Not everyone is a full time parent. Not everyone is an actor, a physicist, a photo journalist. Viva la difference.
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I'm torn between my moral responsibility to my family and my moral responsibility to society and the community.
Your moral responsibility to your family is to raise your children up properly (among other things). YOU decide how that is done. And luckily now you have more options than ever before.
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Ideally, I would like to work part time so I wouldn't have to choose one over the other.
Did that. It has its own challenges. It is hard to fully commit to either. You can wind up feeling like you are giving the short shrift both.
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I also really, really don't like hearing SAHMs complain about how hard it is to cook dinner and do laundry, etc. especially when they have kids in school for 6+ hours a day!
I don't think anyone claims it is actually hard to do the dishes or whatever. There are some challenges, especially if you home school or have small kids. The first is that by living in the space that is being cleaned, there is an order of magnitude more of it. This work is beyond un-fulfilling. It is mind numbingly boring to the point where I have to FORCE myself to do it. Again. And Again. ... And then AGAIN for the severalth time that day. Rinse and repeat day after day. The work is entirely self directed and self motivated. There are no bosses. There are no deadlines. There are no performance reviews. Just one day rolling into another, if you aren't careful. The last challenge is the scarcity of interesting grown up companionship.
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Anyway, I will close by saying that I do have a lot of respect for people who choose to stay at home and are happy with their choice. Especially you, VT! Homeschooling is so tough, but you seem to feel passionately about it and I can tell that your kids are probably benefiting so much from it. I understand that being a SAHM in general is stressful at times, but for the women who get through it and find joy and meaning in it, that's very admirable!
However, I don't respect women who stay at home and are unhappy and rude to their families and constantly "stressed" over nothing, because this is the sort of behavior that I wouldn't respect in myself. And it's behavior that I will prevent in myself (hopefully).
I know one stay-at-home Mom who is always stressed about how busy she is, with two kids in elementary school. And a maid.
When I was staying at home, I knew I had to, my son was little, my ex was making enough to support the family, money was not the issue. We could still save a lot of money with one income. But my world was very small, mainly my son, taught him to walk, to talk, to read, to learn, my world was at home. Made a few friends, they were all stay at home moms, conversation was about children, bras, clothes, food, and men..............I was content, but felt lacking confidence, admire women who were working. They dressed more fabulous, I dressed plain. They could go to coffee shops and chat chat, I couldn't..................
Then it was time for my son to go to school, I went back to school myself, spent time in classes myself for a year, started looking for a job.
Now I have been working for eight years, I love my job, I love the fulfillment. I feel I am much more confident as a woman, I am much more interesting as a person. I like the secure feeling that I provide too, give my husband and me a better life style, in case somethings bad happens to him, I can still carry the load.
I don't think I like the kind of life staying at home. I also think women who stay at home sacrifice a lot for their family. They sacrifice their own joy so the children can have a better home life, so the husband can concentrate on his job.
It is hard to get past the fact that is it just freaking boring. If your kids are in school or very small, you have fewer technical challenges. I am lucky because I learn things about spelling that I never learned in school. (Did you know that there is a method to the madness, and you don't have to just memorize lists?!?) I get to teach algebra! And I get to do "PE" with the kids.
But damn, every day there are three meals of dishes. There are at least 2 loads of laundry. Since the house is lived in, the housework is way more. Yes, as a parent, you are charged with making sure the kids are engaged in it. But that is not always a blessing either!
Nobody can tell you what you find fulfilling.
Let me speak from the stand point who IS a stay at home Mom. Full time. 24x7. Yah it is full filling. Yesterday we went for a snow shoe. Bonding up the gaazoo. It is also immensely frustrating. The <swear word> shoes are in the middle of the hall AGAIN. You are not TWO. Ok let's develop a routine or habit so that we can remember to put SOCKS ON before going out in the 20 degree temperatures.
I have been a software engineer. I have done all tiers of software support. I have been an software analyst. When I tell you that raising kids properly requires problem solving skills that DWARF these other careers, I am not even close to joking. Why can't that kid learn to tie his shoes (figure out subtraction with borrowing, clean his room...)? Fine motor skills? Attention span? Laziness? Needs a beatin'? (I don't even believe in corporal punishment let alone abuse, I jest.)
Oy I swear.
Oh to hell with the guilt. DO your best. Then don't worry about it. The guilt helps no one.Not everyone is a full time parent. Not everyone is an actor, a physicist, a photo journalist. Viva la difference.
Your moral responsibility to your family is to raise your children up properly (among other things). YOU decide how that is done. And luckily now you have more options than ever before.
Did that. It has its own challenges. It is hard to fully commit to either. You can wind up feeling like you are giving the short shrift both.
I don't think anyone claims it is actually hard to do the dishes or whatever. There are some challenges, especially if you home school or have small kids. The first is that by living in the space that is being cleaned, there is an order of magnitude more of it. This work is beyond un-fulfilling. It is mind numbingly boring to the point where I have to FORCE myself to do it. Again. And Again. ... And then AGAIN for the severalth time that day. Rinse and repeat day after day. The work is entirely self directed and self motivated. There are no bosses. There are no deadlines. There are no performance reviews. Just one day rolling into another, if you aren't careful. The last challenge is the scarcity of interesting grown up companionship.
I know one stay-at-home Mom who is always stressed about how busy she is, with two kids in elementary school. And a maid.
Thanks for the advice, VT. I think you're right that I will have many options for raising my family the right way, but there are challenges no matter what. You're right, the guilt is unproductive, and I think I'm mostly experiencing it now as fear because I'm young and haven't fully decided how I want to raise my kids or how much I want to work vs. stay at home.
I feel like as women and mothers, we have to justify our choices and put up with criticism from all sides. I think it will be easier to manage this criticism once I have kids of my own and can see that they are happy as a result of our family dynamic. I think different kids need different lifestyles, but I won't know what mine need until they are born
[QUOTE=vthomeschoolmom;236243]So you say. Do you know how much fun it is to spend your entire day doing
get the kids on the bus
do the laundry
clean up the breakfast dishes
do the day's cleaning
prep dinner
do the bills
get the kids off the bus
help with homework
rinse, repeat Day After Day. It is mind numbing. Boring.
Don't forget run errands, do the shopping, take kids to doctor as well as everyone else because you are home people think you have nothing better to do. Trust me it's not easy. Don't let one of the kids get sick...
You would think a stay at home mom? 
