nice777guy

She's also using her "friend" to boost her esteem as well.

I could be wrong, but I'd like to think a healthy person who is unhappy in their marriage would approach their spouse before sneaking around with a "friend."

moonangel

I can tell you that most girls when they tear others down, it's not because they don't have pride. I've been there. Maybe for guys it's different.

nice777guy

When my wife was talking to other guys behind my back, I "know" it had a lot to do with boosting her self esteem. She was dealing with some health issues and she could use the internet to "hide" these issues while getting attention.

Now, she didn't directly tear me down like Jonny's wife is doing, so maybe there is some difference.

Some people will NEVER admit they are wrong. That isn't strength - that's insecurity. I'm wrong all the time - and I think I learn from it. Some people just can't admit it.

And don't confuse being proud with being stubborn. Sneaking around behind your husbands' back just doesn't seem prideful to me - hence the "sneaking" part.

It took my wife nearly 2 years to admit that what she was doing was just plain wrong. I didn't rub it in. In fact I forgave her and welcomed her back. But I know it was hard for her to own up to having caused so much damage to our marriage.

credamdóchasgra

Yes, niceguy, this friend is making J's wife "feel good about herself."
in quotes, because who knows how she "really feels" deep down in there.

But J's main priority should be that it does NOT affect how HE feels about HIMself, or at least not let her know that.
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jonny

Makes perfect sense - And as I've said before - all the words here help me to stick to what I'm doing.

I did fall back just a bit. I've been more, well - ALPHA. lately. Been trying hard to stay away from being Needy, Insecure around her. It's been working.

I went to Paintball on Sunday with some friends who are competitive. Came back with Welts all over my body - Big goose-egg / welts on my upper forehead.

" WHAT HAPPENED? "
" I got shot. lots. "

While at paintball - she was texting me about don't get shot in the balls - you'll get blueballs. I texted back, that I'll show her where to lick later.

Anyway - fast forward. after my shower. She came downstairs and asked if she could give me a special gift. I knew she was referring to going down on me - Which has not happened in around 4 years. I said " Are you going to bake me a cake? " and it led to - well - yeah.

now.

AFTER THIS>

I felt weak again! It was weird. I felt I owed her something, Went back to asking if she needed anything. SO - I need to figure out how I'm going to treat Sex / Sexual contact with my wife.

It was fun - I liked it - I told her that.

Yesterday - After my son went to sleep.

" I'm going out for a beer with my Brother. See you later. "

I know she's freaked that I might talk about her - Of course I did - I haven't told anyone but you guys about this situation.

She texted me during the middle of beer with

" You look sexy with your goose-egg on your forehead. "

I didn't respond.

I got hime and it was right into the " What did you guys talk about? " stuff.

I just said " guy stuff - yknow! Not much!" went downstairs to shower.

This hasn't stopped her from texting this other guy - but it is changing the dynamic of our relationship. Lots of little fitness tests that I try to pass, sometimes I fail. The facebook insults have stopped - and actually went to compliments.

STAY the Course. Right Conrad.

I just got the 2 books in the mail today. No more mr. nice guy, and the NUTS book.

I need to think about and develop my personal Boundaries - then communicate them effectively to my wife.

Time to read more posts.

jonny

I've re-read the 180 post made a few times. For instance - right now - I want to know what she's doing for lunch. I have this fear that She would bring this guy home for lunch. ( Not for anything Physical - I've got no worries about that right now. ) - AS she's going home to let out the dog and she'll usually bring a co-worker or 2.

I told her back when this started I don't want him and her alone anywhere. But - I don't think she actually cares about the initial boundaries set.

ANYWAY - SEE!? HAHAHAHA. All this worry for nothing.

SO - I was just about to text her " How is lunch - how's <Dog Name? >

But I said - NO. you're beeing needy. You don't need to know where she is, you don't need to check up on her. And came to this forum to read the 180 post - as well as to read this and my other thread.

jonny

That site is a nightmare to navigate. I was on it for 20 seconds, said EFF THIS and closed the page. haha. I know it's there if I need, or even want it!

jonny

This is making sense. She sees me pulling away from her - Changing how I deal with her, being more "disconnected" She's feeling bad about herself - so she's insulting / prodding even more. I won't assume she feels bad about what she's doing - I won't rely on that - as that would make it even worse.

Trying to! Thanks!

It helps me - This Forum has helped me quite a bit. It's the only place I've revealed what's going on. I did have a beer with my brother last night and gave him a little of the story, but here is where I'm really getting some tough love, some good advice, some bad advice, and a way to just get it out. I hope my post rings true with what someone else is going through and it helps them in the end.

Thanks.

I will say this. With my responses to her attacks. I think Moon mentioned something about it being childish back and fourth. I am trying to change it - I still want ti to hit, but hit in a humorous or adult way as opposed to a childish jab back.

If that's possible.

As in - there's resent and anger behind my controlled responses - which means I'm not truly calm and in total control of them.

jonny

Have you posted your story somewhere else? Regarding your wife talking to other guys? Any links to check out? How did you handle it? What did you say? What did you do or not do?

nice777guy

I think my story is fairly spread out.

We separated for a year. Took me awhile to understand that pursuing her and trying to convince her how much I care was counter-productive.

When I quit calling and texting her every night, when I quit asking so many questions, and when I started doing things that didn't involve her - that's when things started to get better.

Sounds like you're off to a good start.

But at some point, I think you will need to confront the texting issue head on with some sort of ultimatum.

jonny

Thanks.

And re: Ultimatum

I've thought about it - and I still don't know what my Ultimatum would be, How I would effectively communicate - and what bugs me / doesn't bug me about the entire thing.

I feel weak when I think about it - Not in the way that it effects me emotionally . . . but because I can't come up with a clear, decisive boundary in regards to the situation.

Thanks again.

nice777guy

How confident do you feel that there is really nothing going on with this guy? What does your gut tell you?

One place to start could be marriage therapy. Not really an ultimatum - but a good place to discuss what's happening.

Other possible ultimatums:
1) She introduce you to this guy or else stop talking to him
2) She lets you read her texts, or she has to stop texting
3) She cuts ties with him or you leave

Not sure how effective 1 & 2 would be. Just meeting him "might" give you a feel for the true nature of their friendship. With texts, she could just show you what she wants you to see.

Another book you could look into is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Helps you understand the differences between real friendships and emotional affairs. I was able to find it at my local library.

jonny

Thanks - I'm going to think about bringing this up with our 'therapist' - whom I haven't liked as a marriage therapist yet - but have liked as a personal therapist.

1) I met him. I've befriended him. We email back and fourth. Initially it was purely " Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" type mentality. But he's still aloof, and of course still has an allegiance to my wife in terms of friendship. So I guess you could say we're friends, but not REAL friends yet.

What I've learned. He's total Beta. He's actually frightenly like me - in terms of letting women walk all over him etc. He's also not that bright. He's smart when it comes to his profession, which I know my wife respects in a huge way - but as for everything else - He's not quick, common sense doesn't seem to be there etc. So I don't know that he's thought once about how this could possible affect me. He doesn't want a girlfriend right now - So I think he's choosing my wife as a friend as he feels it's 'safe' Thing is - it's unsafe in my opinion.

I'm keeping tabs the best I can on it without arising suspicion. I also force myself to back off - not look at her cell etc if it's affecting me too much.

2) This is a possibility. BUT - I could see this putting me in a constant state of weakness in her eyes. Needing to feel reassured there's nothing going on. PLUS - who's to say she won't selectively delete texts. Right now - It might be a lose lose. Shows I'm weak.

3) This is also a possibility. I've told her after getting to know him - it's not him I'm worried about - it's her. I told her that I'm working on my boundaries with this, and I still don't know how to handle this relationship of hers. I told her that I will make the decision I feel is best for the marriage in terms of boundaries - and if it means cutting contact off, means me having to be the bad guy - I'll be it.

Not just friends - Thanks for the title - I've seen it recommended previously. I need to focus on me - and my 3 books right now.

No more mr. nice guy
Hold on to your N.U.T.S.
and Starting Strength

Thanks again

gregj123

Yep it works MANUP!!! pisses them off more sometimes works well

nice777guy

Its always interesting how women don't necessarily "affair up". So many women cheat with someone who is just like us, or not even close to us as a standard.

The men that my wife was interested in had TIME as their best quality so far as I can tell. They weren't dedicated fathers - or husbands - and weren't working demanding jobs, or maybe not even working. They were basically just internet trolls who could pay attention to her.

The text thing doesn't have to look weak if you do it in a 'lay down the law - this is hurting our marriage' kind of way. But at this point I don't think its necessary - just a possibility.

Overall though I think it sounds like you are doing OK. Keep up the good work!