Your post below is incredible. You are way stronger than you likely ever realized. I call my earlier bet that you are smart, and raise it to you are very smart.
It is perfectly ok to cry. In fact I believe there is some very powerful physiology underlying crying - it helps you expel grief from your body.
Gentle suggestion. If at all possible do not cry in front of your wife. If she is anything like my W - many other women I know they are wired to react badly to male tears.
The reality is that 80 percent of the reason my W loves me is based on the emotions I DO express. The last 20 percent of her love is based on those that I mute or completely mask.
The 80 percent she sees are:
- sympathy/empathy for her
The 20 percent I mute, conceal or convey on a well timed "delay loop" are:
- sadness (with kids problems - and we have some - when she is sad, and I share that sadness, I express it - so this is an exception - and yes I am also empathetic - see above - but I do show sadness in this case)
That does not mean I don't react when I feel I am being ill treated. I absolutely react. But typically I am calm and FIRM when I react and if I cannot think of something clever or funny I use phrases along the lines of:
"Would you be ok if I did that to you"?
"Do you really mean that"?
"What did you just say to me"? (I typically use this when she is clearly, overtly and deliberately provoking me. So in a sense she is "requesting" this response. No kidding for us - this is a type of foreplay. And this phrase is almost always delivered while walking towards her with unbroken eye contact until I am inside her personal space*)
"Silence - not a word - while I slowly and deliberately orient my body facing directly at her and simply stare quietly at her with a neutral expression"
This is just my experience so YMMV but in the past when I have tried to "talk about my feelings" this is what happens. She says something I believe to be unjustified/unfair/etc.
I say "that hurts my feelings and makes me mad"
She says: "You are being overly sensitive" OR
She gets MORE aggressive OR
She explains WHY whatever she did shouldn't bother me
At that point I DO lose my temper. And then I DO over react. And ultimately I end up apologizing. So I can safely say I almost never talk about my feelings "IN THE MOMENT". I stick to a neutral emotional affect, a firm delivery style and words that express my boundaries.
* For context: I have never, would never hit my W, physically intimidate her, etc. This behavior has a specific meaning for "us" which loosely translates into: "If this is foreplay, follow the script. If not, go put on your "Arctic wear" because I am about to drop the emotional temperature in the house to absolute zero"
Originally Posted by jonny
Thanks Bob - AS always - good info / good insight.
Don't worry - I'm on top of it - been on top of it since the start.
I've told her that I worry about it. I've told her that if i notice she's getting dependant on the relationship, addicted to it, that it should rasie some red flags in her own mind. I've told her not to lie, not to delete texts.
"When our son if 5 years old, you know what I'm going to tell him - if he has to hide it from me, lie about it, he knows it's wrong. Same goes for you and this situation / relationship"
The thing that's changing in me. Yes CONRAD - I said change. The thing thats changing - is my attitude towards Me. Also to my relationship. I'm a nice guy - I'll give her lots of chances to do the right thing. If in the end she doesn't - I will now have no problem being the 'bad guy' and saying it stops now or we stop now.
I'm not going to go through the rest of my life being treated unfairly.
Golden rule - as one of you guys posted regarding boundaries. I'll treat her with respect. I deserve the same back.
I'll OWN that I'm more tolerable than most - That might change, but for now I own that - but Instead of just going on being tolerable and walked over - I will make an enough is enough statement when needed.
It's like a job. If I'm not doing a good job - I don't want to have my boss come in - say I'm fired without a chance to shape the **** up. I want him to talk to me like an adult - give me a chance - then fire me if I disrespect his wishes - OR - don't agree with them.
I'm still working on the details of my NUTS - or boundaries. I'm still working on what's acceptable / tolerable or not. AND - still working on how many times will I accept screw ups. Screw ups / accidents are different that outward defiance.
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
I feel like I'm rambling.
I'm not sorry actually.
I'm thankful for finding this forum - I have no idea how I got here. NO idea how I found a no-more mr.nice guy post. NO idea how I stumbled onto a fitness test post and thought - WOW. THIS WHOLE THING is MY LIFE.
You're right CONRAD. She is finding me more appealing - I can sense it - even if it's in waves right now. She's resisting like crazy - so it is a little dramatic right now - but it's a process.
Instead of being that pansy assed victim - I OWN that everything that's happened to me is my fault. Either by enabling, accepting, rolling over, cowering, or forgetting who I am.
There's a kids birthday on Sunday - I usually go - chase the kids around while my wife and the other girls socialize. I'm expected to. I'm told to watch the kids. Told to make sure they're behaving.
I'm going to paintball this time - I'm not going to wear armor - I'm going to get welts, and I'm going to wear them like a man. ( I will wear a can though. haha. Have to protect my favorite thing.)
God it's going to hurt like hell.
I might cry.