I didn't know what a fitness/**** test was a week ago. Obviously I had had many of them over the years but probably failed 99% of them until last week. So, I'm jumping for joy a little as I see these tests, acknowledge what they are and deal with them appropriately.
I need to go to work today for a few hours. Wife is on her way out the door for church and says she doesn't know what in the world she is going to do with the kids today and she'd just rather be shopping with her girlfriends. I almost laughed in her face, but held it together and just looked at her. She took off for church... Right before church started she texted me and said, she figured something out to do with the kids all day and that she'd be fine...
See these tests for what they are - a beautiful way to show your W the man she fell in love with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterNiceGuy
I didn't know what a fitness/**** test was a week ago. Obviously I had had many of them over the years but probably failed 99% of them until last week. So, I'm jumping for joy a little as I see these tests, acknowledge what they are and deal with them appropriately.
I need to go to work today for a few hours. Wife is on her way out the door for church and says she doesn't know what in the world she is going to do with the kids today and she'd just rather be shopping with her girlfriends. I almost laughed in her face, but held it together and just looked at her. She took off for church... Right before church started she texted me and said, she figured something out to do with the kids all day and that she'd be fine...
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See these tests for what they are - a beautiful way to show your W the man she fell in love with.
Except I failed last night. She was in a crappy mood and more talk about leaving me and a divorce. Kind of out of the blue considering what a great day I had with her on Saturday. I tried for the most part to listen to her and not make judgments. I can say I didn't argue, but I was not "The Rock" (from the n.u.t.s book). She said she didn't love me, didn't want to be with me and was never having sex again with me. I don't know what is going to happen today. I'm almost ready to throw in the towel, but this could also be a very large fitness test to see if these changes I'm making are serious. I am serious...
Was there ANY trigger event that might have caused this?
It might just be a huge sht test because you didn't "solve" her kid baby sitting issue.
Did you ever talk to her about the bedroom arrangements?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterNiceGuy
Except I failed last night. She was in a crappy mood and more talk about leaving me and a divorce. Kind of out of the blue considering what a great day I had with her on Saturday. I tried for the most part to listen to her and not make judgments. I can say I didn't argue, but I was not "The Rock" (from the n.u.t.s book). She said she didn't love me, didn't want to be with me and was never having sex again with me. I don't know what is going to happen today. I'm almost ready to throw in the towel, but this could also be a very large fitness test to see if these changes I'm making are serious. I am serious...
Was there ANY trigger event that might have caused this?
It might just be a huge sht test because you didn't "solve" her kid baby sitting issue.
Did you ever talk to her about the bedroom arrangements?
Yes, the trigger was her trying to put the kids to sleep. She came out after a few minutes and demanded that I get them to sleep. After I got the kids to sleep, she said that after all these years I should read her mind (actual words) and just be nice and to it once in a while. I said I'd gladly do it if she asked me nicely. I said maybe we should move the kids into their beds and we sleep in ours and she said no way. Then that lead to all this talk of divorce. I did a lot of listening and gave some feedback. I did not defend or argue. I did ask her to honor her commitment of six months of therapy and trying to resolve this thing. She said she didn't know if talking to the therapist is going to resolve anything.
I was not the Rock that Levine talks about in the NUTs book. He says just to listen no matter what comes out of her mouth (divorce, moving out, etc). The therapist said essentially the same thing that what comes out of her mouth may not be how she is feeling. It's going to be fun day. Kids are out of school and we have spend the day together with them... What just kills me is that we had a great time together on Saturday. She was chatty, talking about issues in a positive manner and even a little flirty and I was actually hopeful. Right now I want to apologize for what I said last night, but that's probably not the real manly thing to do...
If she starts talking the way she did cut her off and say something like "That doesn't sound like commitment to the marriage". Then shut up and wait. She'll either be silent while she scrambles to rationalize her poor behavior or she'll turn to anger and blow up.
If she starts rationalizing her behavior do not help her. It is not ok, it is never ok to treat you like that. Keep your comments as absolutely short as possible in response. "I understand you feel that way but that doesn't help the relationship". Then shut up again.
If she blows up I'd cut her off with "I can't make a relationship work by myself" and walk away. When she is ready to be civil and say sorry for her childish behavior you can continue with the relationship.
Men are stupid because they keep believing that women think like them. "Hey if we talk this out and discuss it logically we can come to a solution", but that is just stupid talk. It doesn't work like that, it never will.
You cannot talk her into loving you, nor can you logic her into the sack. The only thing it can do is talk yourself out of a marriage. I cannot stress this enough, learn to shut up.
The only time something should be coming out of your mouth is if its A) fun, humor, enjoyable, light or B) to cut her off or call her on a **** behavior.
Maybe if you repair this relationship, at some point in the far future you can have deeper discussions but right now its either open your mouth to cut her off from treating you poorly or it better be something fun. Everything else is just working against you.
She came out after a few minutes and demanded that I get them to sleep. After I got the kids to sleep, she said that after all these years I should read her mind (actual words) and just be nice and to it once in a while. I said I'd gladly do it if she asked me nicely. I said maybe we should move the kids into their beds and we sleep in ours and she said no way. Then that lead to all this talk of divorce.
"After I got the kids to bed". Dude, if she DEMANDED you do something. You should have put your foot down the second the words came out of her mouth. "Excuse me? do not talk to me like that. If you need help, ask politely" and stare at her silently until she asks you politely. If she doesn't ask, then do not help her. Leave her to it.
All you said here was "its ok to still walk on me, I might say something later but you can stomp that no problem and continue acting the same way."
Your words: "I said maybe we should move the kids into their beds and we sleep in ours and she said no way."
You said maybe and gave her a choice while you're having a fight and her current feeling on you is very low. When you know something is right, you do not ask. You make it happen. If she disagrees she can give you her opinion and you can consider it. Asking her anything right now will get you no where. She will NOT do what is best for the relationship. She will only respond based on how she is CURRENTLY FEELING.
Try this.
"Allowing our kids to walk all over us sets a very poor example for them. They need to learn boundaries and respect for their parents. They have beds and that is where they are going to sleep. You are not forced to sleep with me, but they are going to sleep in their bed and I am going to sleep in mine."
You don't even have to talk about where she is going to sleep. You make the kids go where they are supposed to go, then you sleep in your bed and then she can join you if she wishes. If she sleeps on the couch, so be it.
Coops said this flawlessly. The whole thing. I wouldn't change a word. I would only reinforce the point that ASKING her for a HUGE change in your marriage like where you sleep in the middle of a fight is not a good idea.
Worse - she was behaving badly and in the middle of her bad behavior you did the "can we be closer together"? via sleeping arrangements. The message - right while she was being super disrespectful was "I love you so much".
Quote:
Originally Posted by coops
"After I got the kids to bed". Dude, if she DEMANDED you do something. You should have put your foot down the second the words came out of her mouth. "Excuse me? do not talk to me like that. If you need help, ask politely" and stare at her silently until she asks you politely. If she doesn't ask, then do not help her. Leave her to it.
All you said here was "its ok to still walk on me, I might say something later but you can stomp that no problem and continue acting the same way."
Your words: "I said maybe we should move the kids into their beds and we sleep in ours and she said no way."
You said maybe and gave her a choice while you're having a fight and her current feeling on you is very low. When you know something is right, you do not ask. You make it happen. If she disagrees she can give you her opinion and you can consider it. Asking her anything right now will get you no where. She will NOT do what is best for the relationship. She will only respond based on how she is CURRENTLY FEELING.
Try this.
"Allowing our kids to walk all over us sets a very poor example for them. They need to learn boundaries and respect for their parents. They have beds and that is where they are going to sleep. You are not forced to sleep with me, but they are going to sleep in their bed and I am going to sleep in mine."
You don't even have to talk about where she is going to sleep. You make the kids go where they are supposed to go, then you sleep in your bed and then she can join you if she wishes. If she sleeps on the couch, so be it.
I feel like an addict sometimes. It's just so easy to revert to old behaviors. I need a 12 step program!
She is pleasant this morning. Hard to believe she was saying those things last night. We have not talked further about it. A one point she just looked at me with a wry grin and shook her head a little. I asked her if she had anything to say and she said no... Only things coming out of my mouth are pleasantries, light banter, business issues and to shut her down when she starts on the negatives.
You guys are great and thanks for all the great advice.
I feel like an addict sometimes. It's just so easy to revert to old behaviors. I need a 12 step program!
She is pleasant this morning. Hard to believe she was saying those things last night. We have not talked further about it. A one point she just looked at me with a wry grin and shook her head a little. I asked her if she had anything to say and she said no... Only things coming out of my mouth are pleasantries, light banter, business issues and to shut her down when she starts on the negatives.
You guys are great and thanks for all the great advice.
We own a business together and split our time working from home and working the retail and sales end of things. We both spend a fair amount of time away from each other. We know this to be a problem that we probably spend too much time together. She is looking for other work outside of our business to "do her own thing", which I respect since this business was one that I started.
Passed a big fitness test today 
