My W has never sexually starved me in 21 years. That doesn't mean she says "yes" to every request. It does mean that worst case she asks if we can connect tomorrow. That said she IS the LD partner. A few months ago in the heat of an argument she basically said she did not want to continue our sexual relationship.
I let that sit for 24 hours. Then we went for a long walk without cell phones. Miles from the house I very calmly told her:
- I love you, am committed to you and the marriage
- I don't want you to feel this relentless "pressure" to do something you don't want
- I am not ok being "celibate/near celibate"
- I then explained an option that can only be described as the "lightest" possible version of an open marriage
As expected she:
- Freaked - I got 10 minutes of anger, anxiety and accusations that I was "not" committed. I stayed totally calm and firmly explained this seemed the best option for "her" given where we were.
- I then got 10-15 minutes of dead silence. Frankly that silence could have lasted an hour or days or if need be weeks. And I would have been ok with that. She knows me. I was done talking, it was time for her to "decide" what SHE wanted.
- She broke the silence with "I am committed to you and our marriage. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy".
- I responded in kind.
- She took me to bed that night and rocked my world (like she usually does). And FWIW I did what I always do - which is make it as much fun for her as possible.
The following week she aggressively raised this topic a few times. Each time angry/indignant that I could even "consider" what I had suggested. Each time, smiling I replied with: "Darling, we can talk about what "I" said, provided you are willing to discuss "WHY" I said it. "Do you wish to have the entirety of that conversation"? And each time she gave me a devilish smile and changed the subject.
But I did what I did to preserve our marriage. Because if she went down the path of sexlessness I know with certainty what would happen:
- Every kind/loving gesture I made would be viewed with the unspoken (and toxic) question in her mind. "Is he doing that hoping I will have sex with him"?
- Every unkind act, every argument would be seen as "He is just being a jerk because I am NOT having sex with him"
How can a marriage survive that? It can't. At that point all you have are two people choosing to believe that a piece of paper (marriage certificate) is more important than their happiness, and ultimately their mental and physical health.
Not on my watch.
I let that sit for 24 hours. Then we went for a long walk without cell phones. Miles from the house I very calmly told her:
- I love you, am committed to you and the marriage
- I don't want you to feel this relentless "pressure" to do something you don't want
- I am not ok being "celibate/near celibate"
- I then explained an option that can only be described as the "lightest" possible version of an open marriage
As expected she:
- Freaked - I got 10 minutes of anger, anxiety and accusations that I was "not" committed. I stayed totally calm and firmly explained this seemed the best option for "her" given where we were.
- I then got 10-15 minutes of dead silence. Frankly that silence could have lasted an hour or days or if need be weeks. And I would have been ok with that. She knows me. I was done talking, it was time for her to "decide" what SHE wanted.
- She broke the silence with "I am committed to you and our marriage. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy".
- I responded in kind.
- She took me to bed that night and rocked my world (like she usually does). And FWIW I did what I always do - which is make it as much fun for her as possible.
The following week she aggressively raised this topic a few times. Each time angry/indignant that I could even "consider" what I had suggested. Each time, smiling I replied with: "Darling, we can talk about what "I" said, provided you are willing to discuss "WHY" I said it. "Do you wish to have the entirety of that conversation"? And each time she gave me a devilish smile and changed the subject.
But I did what I did to preserve our marriage. Because if she went down the path of sexlessness I know with certainty what would happen:
- Every kind/loving gesture I made would be viewed with the unspoken (and toxic) question in her mind. "Is he doing that hoping I will have sex with him"?
- Every unkind act, every argument would be seen as "He is just being a jerk because I am NOT having sex with him"
How can a marriage survive that? It can't. At that point all you have are two people choosing to believe that a piece of paper (marriage certificate) is more important than their happiness, and ultimately their mental and physical health.
Not on my watch.