Originally Posted by credamdóchasgra View Post
I don't think he is angry that I'm not working.
I'm finishing a degree and defending in March, and I offered to work part-time (I had 2 opportunities), but maybe he resents it under the surface and doesn't even realize it.
He prides himself on being so supportive of me while I take a year off to finish my degree, and I know he's stressed about the inconsistency of his employment (free-lance IT support).
He's never made me feel bad about it.
Since the whole "provider" thing is important to him, I could see how it plays a role in his stress.
---but isn't it an example of "taking it out on me" to get all irate with me in our conversations?
I'd much rather he TELL me he's resentful of carrying all the $ responsibility; I could understand.
Instead, he just snaps over other things and tells me I'm the problem.
And I'm sick of him getting away with losing his temper over small things.
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He is losing his temper because this is the only way he knows how to handle the "emotions" within him as he is a man and we all know, generally, that they suck at displaying their feelings/emotions. While the issues are small to you - they might be gigantic to him. Different strokes - he's not you, he's him.
It's evident that he's not going to TELL YOU that he's resentful. Since you know this, ignore anything that comes out of that frustration and inability to express himself.
Since my husband's brain injury, his thought process, memory and some cognitive processes do not work right. Since I now know this and have been through extensive counselling and support groups to understand that things don't "fire right" inside his head, it's a lot easier to accept some behavior that while considered "not normal" in a marriage where there are no health issues, it's a "new normal" in my house. Doesn't make it right or wrong, it just is what it is. I've learned skills on how to deal with it and not engage in the issue, knowing that, for the most part, it's beyond his control.
Quit ENGAGING - if he loses his temper - walk away - it doesn't matter who is right/wrong, doesn't matter if it's over something small - just walk away - DISENGAGE - if you can't become a solution to the problem, don't become part of the problem. You become part of the problem when you ENGAGE when he loses his temper. If you just stayed calm, walked away and did not engage him in an argument, then this would indicate to him that this type of behavior "isn't working with you." When things don't work, we usually move on to something else.
My husband has also had temper issues since his brain injury. I used to take them personally - then, after extensive counselling realized that it's not personal - I just happen to be the person that is the closest to him and so I become the target - when it's really not about me. It's about his frustration and anger about what's happened to him. He is in a weekly anger management group and this has helped tremendously - maybe your husband could find a "free" group to deal with some of his issues - free groups are everywhere, you just have to find them.
I've read a lot of your posts throughout TAM and a common thread I find is that you both keep butting heads and trying to control each other and want to win in every single disagreement. Someone has to step back, doesn't make you less of a person or mean that your opinions/wants/needs don't matter, but someone has to disengage or you're going to keep going round and round and round and get nowhere, just like a gerbil on a wheel.
Why don't YOU be the person who disengages?