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post #46 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-18-2011, 08:15 AM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
Let me summarize what Mort is suggesting:
- Try harder
- Be nicer/kinder/more considerate

If you are the "cool" partner it works like magic. Because maybe your "warmer/hot" partner is in the process of giving up. OR if you are the warm but clumsy partner who is always forgetting stuff, always giving them the type of gift they have told you they don't like - it can help.

In a relationship where the "hot" partner has already been doing WAY MORE than their cooler partner, what Mort suggests simply makes the problem worse. Because at "core" the hot/cool interaction really means this:
Hot: I love you more than you love me. I NEED you to love me more than you do.
Hot: YOU are more important than I am. You deserve a better partner than me, so I will try to make up for being the inferior partner by making more/much more effort than you do.
Cool: I feel smothered. WHY are you always crowding me? I don't really feel like saying ILY 5 times a day, but since YOU say it to me, I am pressured into responding in kind. BUT I DON'T WANT TO.
Cool: The LAST thing in the world I want to do is have sex with you. I ALREADY feel smothered, and sex just amplifies that. And in general your clingy/constant presence irritates me and is a HUGE turnoff.

Given that context:
The WORST thing the hot partner can do is get angry and act like a jerk. Because the cool partner sees that for what it is, the fury of rejection.

The two things that produce the best outcome for the hot partner are to be:
- More attractive (go to the gym, work on your conversational skills, learn how to more effectively deal with conflict) AND
- Less available

And a big part of combining those two things is being fun/playful while ALSO being less "loving" in the 5 love languages.
I do appreciate the feedback and advice. This is helpful.

Just so I am clear (being the hot one), as long as she is not rejecting me or giving negative signs of a certain approach, it should still be good to continue, Example: no resistence to spooning in the morning, so OK. No negative feedback to me calling her at work to just say Hi hows the day going, both suggested by Mort.

At the same time, be less available outside those moments?

I have been working out for months and actually although 51 she recently told me I look like I am in my 30's. Nice compliment.
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post #47 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-18-2011, 10:04 AM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

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Say you approached your SO for intimacy, and she said...I'm too tired tonight babe. I will get you tomorrow. and you agree, because she did look tired.
Tomorrow comes, and you give her one of those 7 second kisses, and nod towards the bed, then she says...no way! It's 11 pm....And this after she finished watching 2 hours of those 30 minute celebrity news shows.
She should have honored her commitment. But I wonder why you didn't express your intentions to follow up earlier in the evening? Her two-hour junk-TV marathon sounds like a fitness test. Either she planned to outwait you until she had an excuse to deny (that it was too late in the evening), or she wanted to see whether you were interested enough to even suggest interrupting her stupid show.

Just a thought.
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post #48 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-18-2011, 11:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

Great point.

I will often say at 7/8 - see you in bed at 10 - with a smile.

If she comes to bed later than that it is her responsibility not to come to bed tired/listless/etc. But I have never gone to the tv room and turned off the tv at 10 sharp. Actually I think she would be fine with that - it just isn't my style to do that naturally. It seems too controlling.

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She should have honored her commitment. But I wonder why you didn't express your intentions to follow up earlier in the evening? Her two-hour junk-TV marathon sounds like a fitness test. Either she planned to outwait you until she had an excuse to deny (that it was too late in the evening), or she wanted to see whether you were interested enough to even suggest interrupting her stupid show.

Just a thought.
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post #49 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-18-2011, 01:25 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

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She should have honored her commitment. But I wonder why you didn't express your intentions to follow up earlier in the evening? Her two-hour junk-TV marathon sounds like a fitness test. Either she planned to outwait you until she had an excuse to deny (that it was too late in the evening), or she wanted to see whether you were interested enough to even suggest interrupting her stupid show.

Just a thought.
No reason. I dont care for those shows...waste of time. So I usually would go downstairs and practice my guitar or violin. It just happened in that particular instance I finished up when her shows were done. So it would have been good timing if it worked out for me. But....no. Plus I failed the fitness test.
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post #50 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-24-2011, 10:26 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

Mem

Did you ever post Changing the temp? If so where is it?
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post #51 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-24-2011, 11:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

I do have a post on that somewhere. But the gist of it is very straightforward. Cut back in all the areas where you are "initiating" and she is not responding in a consistently positive way.

So change from saying "ILY" every time you talk on the phone or leave the house to a friendly "talk to you later/see you later".

If she says it - say it back. But stop going first. Same with hugs. If she is "letting" you hug her, cut way back. Way back. I hug my W alot. She loves it. It is obvious. No need to cut back. If however she seemed neutral on it, I would do a lot less of it. A LOT less.

At the same time work on whatever your annoying habits are. Not kidding about that. You have some. Do NOT tell her you are working on them. Just DO IT. And be fun/playful with her. But less direct expressions of love. Hugs, saying ILY. Kisses. Spooning. If she is "tolerating it" you are doing too much.

Go to the gym. Be around less.

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Mem

Did you ever post Changing the temp? If so where is it?
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post #52 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-25-2011, 05:33 AM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

Thanks Mem!

I see some similarities in changing the temp to the 180.
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post #53 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-25-2011, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

Hold on a second.

In a 180 you are doing a total shutdown. Here you are being friendly, upbeat but much less overtly expressive of love.


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Thanks Mem!

I see some similarities in changing the temp to the 180.
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post #54 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-25-2011, 01:30 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

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Hold on a second.

In a 180 you are doing a total shutdown. Here you are being friendly, upbeat but much less overtly expressive of love.
When you look at the list from the 180, it does allow for you to interact in a pleasant way. Not a complete shut down. #19 reads show her someone she would want to be around. 13 be cheerful.... etc.
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post #55 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-25-2011, 03:50 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
I do have a post on that somewhere. But the gist of it is very straightforward. Cut back in all the areas where you are "initiating" and she is not responding in a consistently positive way.

So change from saying "ILY" every time you talk on the phone or leave the house to a friendly "talk to you later/see you later".

If she says it - say it back. But stop going first. Same with hugs. If she is "letting" you hug her, cut way back. Way back. I hug my W alot. She loves it. It is obvious. No need to cut back. If however she seemed neutral on it, I would do a lot less of it. A LOT less.

At the same time work on whatever your annoying habits are. Not kidding about that. You have some. Do NOT tell her you are working on them. Just DO IT. And be fun/playful with her. But less direct expressions of love. Hugs, saying ILY. Kisses. Spooning. If she is "tolerating it" you are doing too much.

Go to the gym. Be around less.

I was just rereading this and thought how bizarre it is to be in this situation and talking about not telling my wife I love her or hugging her. And this is not a critique of the thermostat at all, just pointing out what a rotten marriage mine became.

Alway imagined I would get the same love I was giving just like Paul McCartney sang. This all makes me hope and pray I can someday find true love as it should be. Unconditional!!!
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post #56 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-25-2011, 05:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

Women love their children unconditionally - not their male partners. This is not a critique - just a statement of fact.

The average male does not behave well when given unconditional love by his partner - and yes yes YMMV.

Quote:
Originally Posted by This is me View Post
I was just rereading this and thought how bizarre it is to be in this situation and talking about not telling my wife I love her or hugging her. And this is not a critique of the thermostat at all, just pointing out what a rotten marriage mine became.

Alway imagined I would get the same love I was giving just like Paul McCartney sang. This all makes me hope and pray I can someday find true love as it should be. Unconditional!!!
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post #57 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-25-2011, 07:31 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

Ymmv?
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post #58 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-25-2011, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
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This: ymmv is the universal acknowledgement that every one
Has a somewhat different situation it means your mileage may
Vary.




is me;330481]Ymmv?[/QUOTE]
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post #59 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-25-2011, 11:29 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

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This: ymmv is the universal acknowledgement that every one
Has a somewhat different situation it means your mileage may
Vary.




is me;330481]Ymmv?
Posted via Mobile Device[/QUOTE]

Oh for hells sake I will post this. Not every woman out there is testing. Lock yourself in a cave and all you see is what you want to see. The shadows are your reality. Not all women do tests or other bu!!****. You find a way in every situation to see it as a test. How about you just see your wife as a woman? Life isn't that flippin complicated. Fitness tests, pokes and other bull$hit? This website is rife with that bile. Hey, here's an idea..... stop making that complex. You go on and on about tests. Sometimes it isn't a test. It is just a bad day and should be allowed and not defined as some sort of marriage barometer.
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post #60 of 194 (permalink) Old 05-26-2011, 06:06 AM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

You continue to miss the entire point of the exercise. It is exactly about seeing your wife as just a woman ... instead of a perfect woman.

By your own statements, your husband does not love you the way you want to be loved ... for years. You are the hotter partner in your relationship. You experience the same kind of frustration felt by many men that want to love their wives, the way you want to be loved.

It's disheartening to read that you claim to understand this one day, and utterly dismiss it as crap the next.

Everything ISN'T a fitness test. This thread isn't even so much about fitness testing. The irony is ... this thread is for you.
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