The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 194 (permalink) Old 08-18-2011, 01:29 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

Mem's original post caught me off guard. I could see so much truth in it (I'm the hot one, and do see value in backing off because to not do so can be overwhelming to the recipient).

But then, as I read the thread, it seems highly manipulative. One red flag are the thoughts on housework. One doesn't do it, and the other doesn't do it either, so what do you end up with...a huge mess? bugs? hoarding? And neither moving to a solution because they are being too stubborn?

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
And that lawn has to be tended, too.

Grieving? Where are you: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression or Acceptance?
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post #92 of 194 (permalink) Old 08-18-2011, 02:46 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

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Mem's original post caught me off guard. I could see so much truth in it (I'm the hot one, and do see value in backing off because to not do so can be overwhelming to the recipient).

But then, as I read the thread, it seems highly manipulative. One red flag are the thoughts on housework. One doesn't do it, and the other doesn't do it either, so what do you end up with...a huge mess? bugs? hoarding? And neither moving to a solution because they are being too stubborn?
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post #93 of 194 (permalink) Old 08-18-2011, 03:40 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

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LOL...treat the symptom and not the cause?
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post #94 of 194 (permalink) Old 08-19-2011, 11:17 AM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

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LOL...treat the symptom and not the cause?
Logical consequence. If either has a problem with that solution, negotiate. I'm certain it's more important to one of you.

You just have to figure out which.
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post #95 of 194 (permalink) Old 08-30-2011, 07:37 AM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

This original post is excellent! I appreciate it and agree. I am the warmer part of the thermostat and my wife is the cooler one. I am afraid if I turned it off the rest of my life would be without affection, without sex, without anything. She's a very cold fish! I hate to say it but it's true!
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post #96 of 194 (permalink) Old 08-30-2011, 12:57 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

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This original post is excellent! I appreciate it and agree. I am the warmer part of the thermostat and my wife is the cooler one. I am afraid if I turned it off the rest of my life would be without affection, without sex, without anything. She's a very cold fish! I hate to say it but it's true!
The ultimate idea of the thermostat is that in the final analysis it tells you you need to get out...
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post #97 of 194 (permalink) Old 10-31-2011, 10:42 AM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

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TG,
Do NOT talk about your feelings about HER behavior even if she asks. Her behaviors are all:
- respectful/disrespectful
- acceptable/unacceptable
- not ideal - followed by a brief/brief suggestion as to how you would prefer she handle that situation in the future

"You are better than that" is the adult version of parent/child guilt. Works like magic - if not overused.

When she asks "what is happening" just smile.
Can you clarrify: If my W did something that bothers me and I find unacceptable behaviour, how do I approach it by not talking about my feelings...so your saying don't act/get emotional, don't say how you feel, just tell her what she did that bothered you and how you would like her to act in the future?

P.S. Still learning the mens clubhouse stuff, great stuff
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post #98 of 194 (permalink) Old 10-31-2011, 05:12 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

tseug,

The key is to not even show anger or any emotion when addressing the situation. Total emotional control.
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post #99 of 194 (permalink) Old 11-01-2011, 03:52 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

I sneaked a peak to this side, as this thread seems to have an interesting discussion going.

Reading it all through, however, I still don't know how to clearly define which of us my husband or me is truly playing the role of the hotter person.

I can see myself in a lot of the 'hot' behavior. I am naturally touchy, kind, as well as get very anxious when my husband is angry at me and am quick to accept blame to get over a fight. My husband shares some of these qualities though. He gets very upset if he feels I am not giving him the love he needs and he is generally the one to seem more 'clingy' in terms of keeping contact and spending time together.

On the other hand, I am not good at talking about my feelings and he feels like I am distancing myself from him that way. This can at times make him so insecure that he starts to feel overly clingy which makes me want to back off. At other times there are issues which I feel like he won't discuss with me I feel like he is running away and I'm being pushy.

Basically we're just two bundles of quicksilver jumping up and down the scale? We are similar in character, which makes us great friends but then again a bad combination at times when we at the same time present our traits of being overly emotional and sensitive.
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post #100 of 194 (permalink) Old 11-09-2011, 08:08 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

I am new to this forum and have read this entire subject and its amazing how similar this is to my marriage. My wife is the cool one and i am the hot one, it used to be the other way around. I am going to try this method and see how it works out since I am out of ideas. One obvious question i do have is what if this doesnt work and she enjoys my aloofness and is thankful im finally leaving her alone? Does that mean its time to move on?
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post #101 of 194 (permalink) Old 11-11-2011, 12:01 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

I am the hot one. I tried doing a 180 four years ago but it backfired with her seeing the temperature change as meaning I had checked out. So she checked out.

Dysfunctional relationships are so tricky to change!
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post #102 of 194 (permalink) Old 11-11-2011, 12:24 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

Ok, so i know this is an unlikely outcome and probably very specific to my relationship, but i turned my thermostat down for 2 days, and on the second day my wife came to me and initiated sex. Kind of surprising, but it worked. For the two days I was pleasant and kind, but stopped being loving and made no physical contact. Im going to continue this until i feel that she is back into the relationship 100%.
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post #103 of 194 (permalink) Old 11-11-2011, 05:38 PM Thread Starter
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In an overall healthy relationship that is exactly how this should play out.

TE=frizzo;478699]Ok, so i know this is an unlikely outcome and probably very specific to my relationship, but i turned my thermostat down for 2 days, and on the second day my wife came to me and initiated sex. Kind of surprising, but it worked. For the two days I was pleasant and kind, but stopped being loving and made no physical contact. Im going to continue this until i feel that she is back into the relationship 100%.[/QUOTE]
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post #104 of 194 (permalink) Old 11-11-2011, 05:43 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

Mem-
I believe your post would work for a warm husband/ cold wife. Sadly, I was a cold wife for a while and your suggestions would have helped me. My own self loathing was what brought around my change. Still trying to get hubby to stand up for himself.... more discovery to come...
Because men & women are not alike, my guess is that warm ladies with cold men need to take a different approach.
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post #105 of 194 (permalink) Old 11-13-2011, 02:59 PM
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Re: The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

I paid alot of attention to MEM and marriedinlove and what they suggested/tried. 4 weeks ago i started turning the heat down (im obviously the warm spouse).

i didnt say ily. if she said it i said "luv you too" or "you too". She was tired of my "smothering" with attention/affection. It got so bad for her that she couldnt stand me even touching/hold her at night in bed. So, i STOPPED showing physical attention/touch unless she initiated, at which point i reciprocated in kind. She complained i texted her and called her too much so i STOPPED that altogether. I stopped initiating kissing, i stopped all touch. I really made myself "less available" but i'd be there if i was needed. I wasnt mean though, i remained very cordial, talkative, and maintained my expressions of humor.

Now at just over 4 weeks, i'd say it worked. within days she called ME at work, she comes up to me for hugs and really passionate kisses. She even asked why i'm now different toward her. I just said i needed to cool myself off a bit for her sake. She appreciated me saying that. Im trying hard to keep it up....
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