Wife won't share expenses as a unit.
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Old 09-03-2008, 05:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife won't share expenses as a unit.

Hello guys,

A little about me :
We married 2 years back. She got into a big bank around that time and I was already an engineer. Around those 2 years - my salary has doubled to a "satisfactory level". Her's has just grown so much that its past mine. Infact 6-8 month bonuses yearly have created a huge bulging bank account for her in just 3 years.

The scenario:
50% of my salary goes into the mortgage of a home which my parents bought 3 years back with their life savings. It's clear we wont be living there with them when we move to the same country but its also clear that these mortgage payments by me eventually lead to "us" having/inheriting real estate in the future.

25% goes into apartment rent and all other utilities.

Hence my savings are minimal and I do worry when she expects me to spend on bigger things regularly.

The problem :
- While my wife is stashing away her income and expecting me to spend on our 'future' kids' etc - she does not intend to even think of "shelling out her money" when "I being a man should be doing all that".
- She reminds me its for her kids' college in the future.
- All this follows abuse and ridicule of my mortgage payments etc. and inability to save for her.

I find this demeaning and despite having had told her that while one is paying the bills, the other is able to save twice as much - she is overprotective of "her" money. From the outside and even relatives we have a very easy life with all the good things in life but this behaviour of my wife makes me very insecure and disheartened.

I have never given her any reason to make her react like this - till date I have never asked any money from her. This behaviour of her makes forces me to work 2 jobs and try to save more.

Please advise? Any tips?

regards
Kevin
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Old 09-03-2008, 07:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife won't share expenses as a unit.

It not her money, it is not your money it is the money earned by a couple for all of your needs. A marriage is a union and all is shared. Tangibles and intangibles. You need to break this cycle with her and begin to manage your money as a couple. Make your plans for the kids future together and share the resources. For you to be working two jobs while she stuffs the mattress is unacceptable in my mind. Also I find it odd that you are paying the mortgage on your parents’ house. Is this a flash point with her? My wife and I have always kept separate accounts but we have signature on each others assets. It gives us a certain amount of individual control but at the same time the assets are all shared and we both know where the money is. Also we don’t get into arguments because some one forgot to put an entry in the check register. Usually me!
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Old 09-03-2008, 08:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife won't share expenses as a unit.

so you said , "her children" so she has children previous to you??

Sounds like she went through a nasty divorce already and remembers the shell shock of the $$ of the divorce.

Also if the bank account is in her name only, guess what...that is her MONEY, not yours if you were to split.

If she is working she should pay the bills 50% with you.


Sounds fishy to me. let me know if she has been divorced before.
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Old 09-03-2008, 11:03 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife won't share expenses as a unit.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amplexor View Post
It not her money, it is not your money it is the money earned by a couple for all of your needs. A marriage is a union and all is shared. Tangibles and intangibles. You need to break this cycle with her and begin to manage your money as a couple. Make your plans for the kids future together and share the resources. For you to be working two jobs while she stuffs the mattress is unacceptable in my mind. Also I find it odd that you are paying the mortgage on your parents’ house. Is this a flash point with her? My wife and I have always kept separate accounts but we have signature on each others assets. It gives us a certain amount of individual control but at the same time the assets are all shared and we both know where the money is. Also we don’t get into arguments because some one forgot to put an entry in the check register. Usually me!
well said.

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Old 09-04-2008, 01:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife won't share expenses as a unit.

Amplexor / Draconis - thanks for the input.
- Yes, the mortgage issue is a flashpoint indeed. It always has been but I have always made that clear and transparent before we got married - I didn't want it to be an issue later on. She apparently hasn't come to terms with it. Thats what I don't understand. As a banker she would realize how good this investment is for "our future"

- We're both from an Asian community where parents spend all their life working to make sure the kids get through college and the favour is returned by the kids making sure their folks will be taken care of in the end. Its worked for thousands of years.
- I feel she tries to compare me to her family where the mum and dad are high flying professionals. What I can see though, which is not apparent to her is that her dad has been running after pipe dreams and close to bankruptcy and has already started using his wife and son's income. But of course I don't want to open that can of worms.

GAsoccerman - Hi, not she's not divorced. It's a problem she has when she gets angry - she's talk about our future kids as "her" kids. In times of peace I have pointed that out and she apologizes but she repeats.

Thanks guys for the quick replies but I may have to work this system thinking of her as a homemaker - she knows I don't loiter around or waste time on leisure or with friends but still has a lowly opinion of my hard work.

Cheers
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Old 09-04-2008, 04:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife won't share expenses as a unit.

my hubby and i have always done 50/50 on everything.
we both put in equal amounts into a joint account that cover all bills etc . the rest of our money is our own and do what we will.
but im not selfish , i have more than my hubby. but i spoil him.
but it doesnt have its effects as it sounds with you.
you have to come to a happy medium. hubby doesnt tell me what to do with my money and vice versa.
i have a comfortable life , holidays. a nice balance. issues have to be together rather than separate.
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Old 09-04-2008, 08:48 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife won't share expenses as a unit.

Asian community is far differentt hen the advice we been giving you. I grew up with some asian friends, and their "world" and ours was vastly different in terms of money and how we operated.

I worked with chinesse American who made over $50,000 and lived with his parents, he gave all his money to his parents to pay their bills, he was 34 and had ZERO life savings, ZERO 401K, ZERO life. He worked and then took care of his family, his brothers and sisters did this.

I also had Indian friends who all shared a house, they paid off 1, then bought another, so say a couple had 2 children, they bought 3 houses, they all lived in the parents house and all money went to paying that off, then they bought their second home and that house went to the oldest son once paid off, then the third home to the youngest son, but they all worked to pay each others house off. Not a bad system

I really think you need to ask a Asian community marriage board, thre is a different culture here and we can only go by how we live, we could be giving you bad advice to on how we were raised.

I really hope it works out for you.
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Old 09-05-2008, 09:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife won't share expenses as a unit.

I have to comment on a few points made.

1) All that "there is no mine and yours, only ours" stuff is nice to say, but a judge is not going to share the sentiment. Allocation of assets in a marriage is just not as simple as that. Any assets either of you had before marriage, which were NOT comingled, remain YOUR property. So as far as this house you stand to inherit, you can play the same game as her by NEVER EVER EVER using one single joint dollar to pay that mortgage. She can make no claim whatsoever if you can prove you never paid for it with joint funds.

2) It sounds like she has some really skewed values. On the one hand she has no problem making a man take care of her, yet at the same time she wants to retain her "independence" by earning her own money. Personally, I have no patience for people who try to pick the best aspects from two opposing sets of rules. Yoiu need to find out what is causing her to act this way. It is not fair for her to make you work two jobs, so she can bank her salary for herself.

3) Perhaps you could try getting a post-nuptial agreement (not to be confused with a pre-nup). It dictates the division of assets in the event you split. If you have no intention of leaving her its a moot point, but may give her the peace of mind she needs to start loosening up a bit.

4) Can you see yourself doing this for much longer if nothing changes? You may very well need to draw the line.

Best of luck.
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Old 06-12-2010, 11:43 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife won't share expenses as a unit.

I am dealing with similar situation. It is been 3 years now we moved to US. Till now she has not shared single penny for expenses. She is sending all his money to India and saying it is for her security. Starting 3rd year I have stopped paying for her and car insurance other than that I am paying for rest all expenses. She was not allowing sex as well but we recently had baby as she wanted one and she tacked her fertlity days but I never had satisfied sex with her. Now I am under fear that I have already lost on 3 years and no savings and lossing baby as well. Please suggest me something so that I dont endup paying elimony money if I file for divorce or situation happens. Imp thing I don't want to loose my baby.
Please adivse.
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Old 06-12-2010, 10:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife won't share expenses as a unit.

i-onnet, you need to start your own thread. If you are in the U.S. you have legal protection as a parent. Talk to a lawyer.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife won't share expenses as a unit.

Like others have been saying, the fact that 50% of your income goes directly to your parents says something about your priorities. I'm VERY familiar with Asian families and traditions like this, but if your wife is from a different background, she will not understand. In her mind, it's why not 50% into a retirement fund, savings for your kids to go to college, or into a mortgage for a house that you can actually live in? Especially when all of the money you're pouring into rent currently is not an investment. You say that the house is going to be a good investment, and it probably will be, but it's hard to estimate the pattern of the real estate markets, and if it looks like the value will drop, it's not exactly like you can sell the house like you would sell a stock... And it's not like you can kick your elderly parents out of the house that they bought... And it's not like you can do all of this easily from another country... etc. What country is the house located? I just happen to know that China has a massive housing bubble right now, and that would affect my advice (I would be MUCH harsher towards you if this were the case). I do understand though that the "good investment" part of this is just an added bonus to taking care of your parents. But what will happen if they become ill or need assisted living or medical care? Will you be paying for this too? Unfortunately you are in a bind, because you can't abandon your parents, but you might not be able to afford all of these other things on your current income (I don't know anything about your financial situation, but it's just more to think about). In this case, you might HAVE to sacrifice the house in order to pay for immediate needs like medical emergencies.

Your wife is probably saying that they're "her" kids because she feels that she is the only one thinking about their financial futures, and she is the only one saving up money for them. In her opinion, you are not supporting your family, and by American standards, you're not living up to the image of the husband/father as provider. You claim that she is being selfish, but I think she is probably scared that if you two share money, then you will take more of "her" money to give to your parents, rather than keeping it for your kids, or for yourselves in retirement, so that your kids don't have to buy you a house or move nearby to take care of you when you get old!

I think that you both need to have a serious discussion about your finances--you can explain why you feel disheartened and unappreciated, and she can explain why she is so uncomfortable with you sending so much money to your parents. Unfortunately you have married into a different family, and maybe a different culture, and that necessitates some sacrifices all around. Your wife needs to compromise with you about how she hoards her money, and YOU need to compromise with her about how you are allocating your money. You might also consider speaking honestly with your parents about this--not to frighten them or cut them off, but to explain the situation. As it stands now, you're placing your parents above your wife and children, and I think that your wife is totally justified in being upset with this. She is NOT justified in belittling your choices or expecting you to pay for everything though. Just talk with her and maybe consider a different budget plan, refinancing the mortgage, or even getting a new mortgage with a longer time span but a smaller monthly payment.
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