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Old 02-21-2011, 07:36 PM   #166 (permalink)
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She won't come crawling back, it's not in her nature... I'm still a recovering Nice Guy and I can hear in my lizard brain "if she comes crawling back, we can get this thing back on track!". I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I need to very distant for quite a while...
MNG,

With all due respect, you don't really know.

This is the first time she's had to respond to "you" - as the man you were born to be.

Keep an indifferent exterior - and an open mind.
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:45 PM   #167 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA already moving towards PA!

You can let her know,

If you let go of everything, I am still here for you. We can start all over again!

If you want to leave, I have done my best to save our marriage, if that's your decision, hope you find your happiness somewhere.

For your kids, you have to be a strong father!
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:48 PM   #168 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA already moving towards PA!

GP,
You are trying to help - and yet this is the WORST THING he can say. She is NOT ONLY trying to cheat on him she is BLAMING HIM. Until she shows sincere remorse he cannot show kindness as it greatly increases the chances of divorce. Sad but true.


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You can let her know,

If you let go of everything, I am still here for you. We can start all over again!

If you want to leave, I have done my best to save our marriage, if that's your decision, hope you find your happiness somewhere.

For your kids, you have to be a strong father!
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:48 PM   #169 (permalink)
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Ok, got it... She just came home and I finished prepping the kids dinner and went to my office and now I'm just sitting here typing away... gonna hide down here until the kids probably force me to come out. I can tell you all it takes for me to get pissed off again is to think about not being able to visit my in-laws without the whole family or visiting my family without her... just heartbreaking...

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All good advice. If you drink ANYTHING - do not speak to her afterwards. I don't care what she does or says. Be silent. Alcohol plus fatigue plus infidelity is a super volatile mix.

You can listen to her - or even better shake your head and say "not tonight" and go in another room and close the door behind you.

Do NOT comfort her if she cries. Just be indifferent. You have a shot here - if you are firm and cold she may fold like a cheap card table and come back and offer unconditional surrender. THAT needs to include a firm NC letter and phone call to the OM. And you might nudge HIS wife to force him to do the same.
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:51 PM   #170 (permalink)
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Ok, got it... She just came home and I finished prepping the kids dinner and went to my office and now I'm just sitting here typing away... gonna hide down here until the kids probably force me to come out. I can tell you all it takes for me to get pissed off again is to think about not being able to visit my in-laws without the whole family or visiting my family without her... just heartbreaking...
Brother,

Ask those parts of you to step aside.

The feelings therein are very legit and there will be PLENTY of time to deal with them.

Cool anger is more than fine - bordering on indifference. Try your best not to think about what you are losing, as she has lost her self-respect.

If you can do this, you may not lose ANYTHING. In fact, you may gain your dream relationship.

If you blow up and get emotional? She will take that as validation that she needed to find a real man.

Show her the real man she overlooked.
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:02 PM   #171 (permalink)
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When we get together, it is the beginning of our departure.

All relationships depart in the end, just in different ways, some by breaking up, some by divorce, some by death, some by other reasons......................

While we are together, do our best to show our appreciation and love, cherish every moment we have.

When they are gone, they are gone, it is the end of a relationship, and start of another relationship!
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:03 PM   #172 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA already moving towards PA!

and careful she doesn't quietly flee with the kids right now.

Breathe in breathe out. Conrad and others here are giving you excellent advice.
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:21 PM   #173 (permalink)
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She's not going anywhere with them. She has no money and no place to go. Plus, she was fairly calm and collected when I talked to her a couple of hours ago. Now she won't look at me or talk to me. She hasn't changed her password on her email, or her computer yet. I see she got about four texts from the OM an hour or so after I told his wife. I sure hope this puts a stop to it...

Just got a call from his wife. I don't think the OM has spilled the beans yet and she hasn't approached him. The OM and my wife have talked... so that's all that really counts for now. She said she saw the emails in her inbox, but they somehow disappeared! I told her to change all her passwords right now and I would resend! Jeez...
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:27 PM   #174 (permalink)
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Sounds like he got to them first. Try re-sending from multiple accounts, in case he's blocked your specific account.
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:28 PM   #175 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA already moving towards PA!

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She said she saw the emails in her inbox, but they somehow disappeared!
Imagine that! I wonder how that could happen. lol Oh, these cheaters are sneaky.......

Hang in there; you are on the right path. Hope you can see an attorney soon.
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:29 PM   #176 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA already moving towards PA!

WAIT, "The OM and my wife have talked...so thats all that counts for now"

I thought the point is they dont talk;-) I get what you mean, I hope some good while come from this and a NC is established.

I think she's going to have some serious withdrawls, so you have your work cut out.
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:35 PM   #177 (permalink)
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She's not going anywhere with them. She has no money and no place to go. Plus, she was fairly calm and collected when I talked to her a couple of hours ago. Now she won't look at me or talk to me. She hasn't changed her password on her email, or her computer yet. I see she got about four texts from the OM an hour or so after I told his wife. I sure hope this puts a stop to it...

Just got a call from his wife. I don't think the OM has spilled the beans yet and she hasn't approached him. The OM and my wife have talked... so that's all that really counts for now. She said she saw the emails in her inbox, but they somehow disappeared! I told her to change all her passwords right now and I would resend! Jeez...
If you can take that step back for a minute.

Just imagine how desperate someone is to think they can actually delete those emails as if that will matter/help them save face.

As bad as you've felt over the past few months, the OM right now is a rung above Hitler in Dante's Inferno.

Thought he had the world by the ass.

Surprise, the scaffold he built was for HIM.
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:40 PM   #178 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA already moving towards PA!

Print them out and hand deliver.Get her to set up a new gmail account - send them again - saturate everywhere.
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:42 PM   #179 (permalink)
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Yeah, HE's the one who should be soiling himself. His wife got a call saying that he is emotionally cheating. BEST CASE SCENARIO: a year's worth of marriage counseling and a big dose of Noasatal. I don't envy him . . . but that's the least of what you get when you try to rub another man's rhubarb.
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:47 PM   #180 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA already moving towards PA!

WHOA! There is so much going on here, it's kind of

After taking more than a minute to review this whole thread and all that's going on, may I put in my two cents worth? I speak as a person who works with couples trying to save their marriage from an affair, as a female-type person, and as someone who was formerly disloyal so I have a lot to add I think.

I think the very first thing I'd recommend is to take a deep breath and give yourself a minute to calm down. So far your choices have been really wise and well-done, but one of the biggest opponents of wisdom is getting so caught up in things that you respond emotionally--like a REaction--rather than thinking about what you're doing and why...being deliberate and working your plan. So #1--just breathe a little. It's been a rough day and you've done REALLY well!

The very second thing I'd recommend is looking at our article "Seven Steps to Ending an Affair." I recommend that you look at this article, not because it's necessarily all that great (although as the author--I'm pretty proud) but rather because it is a PLAN, and it will get you thinking. One of the very first things you're going to have to decide, maybe tomorrow or after you've gotten some rest anyway, is whether or not you want to save your marriage. I won't be shy--I hope you do want to give it a try and do your best to save it; however, just bear in mind that unfaithfulness is the one moral, ethical reason that's allowed in almost every religion and legal code I know of...so if you give it consideration and decide that you just can not do it, I think that's your right and I'd just go ahead and end it now.

On the other hand, if you give it consideration...and knowing that it will most likely be a pretty long, painful battle but that the growth you will both do (if you both choose to do it) will most likely take your marriage to a whole 'nuther level...and knowing that it will not be "like it was before" but it will be different but has the potential to be MUCH BETTER...then I would say create a plan of how you are going to address this, and then stick with that plan! Over and over again, you'll hear people saying to you "stay the course" and that's what they mean. Choose your responses based on deliberate, thoughtful decisions that are the most likely choices to save your marriage. Learn as much as you can about infidelity, how it happens and why, some different approaches, and then pick the one that resonates with YOU and stick to that plan in a calculated, conscious, purposeful way.

Okay--much more to say but for now...I concur with Mem and Conrad. Do not drink and speak to her. That is just TOO volatile and is kind of like pouring gas on a fire and then wondering why it flamed out of control. For tonight, I suggest deciding for yourself if YOU want to make the commitment to try to save your marriage. That is a big question, and should be entered into as deliberately as taking the vow in the first place. Otherwise...I'll write more as the night goes on.
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