WHOA! There is so much going on here, it's kind of
After taking more than a minute to review this whole thread and all that's going on, may I put in my two cents worth? I speak as a person who works with couples trying to save their marriage from an affair, as a female-type person, and as someone who was formerly disloyal so I have a lot to add I think.
I think the very first thing I'd recommend is to take a deep breath and give yourself a minute to calm down. So far your choices have been really wise and well-done, but one of the biggest opponents of wisdom is getting so caught up in things that you respond emotionally--like a REaction--rather than thinking about what you're doing and why...being deliberate and working your plan. So #1--just breathe a little. It's been a rough day and you've done REALLY well!
The very second thing I'd recommend is looking at our article "Seven Steps to Ending an Affair
." I recommend that you look at this article, not because it's necessarily all that great (although as the author--I'm pretty proud) but rather because it is a PLAN, and it will get you thinking. One of the very first things you're going to have to decide, maybe tomorrow or after you've gotten some rest anyway, is whether or not you want to save your marriage. I won't be shy--I hope you do want to give it a try and do your best to save it; however, just bear in mind that unfaithfulness is the one moral, ethical reason that's allowed in almost every religion and legal code I know of...so if you give it consideration and decide that you just can not do it, I think that's your right and I'd just go ahead and end it now.
On the other hand, if you give it consideration...and knowing that it will most likely be a pretty long, painful battle but that the growth you will both do (if you both choose to do it) will most likely take your marriage to a whole 'nuther level...and knowing that it will not be "like it was before" but it will be different but has the potential to be MUCH BETTER...then I would say create a plan of how you are going to address this, and then stick with that plan! Over and over again, you'll hear people saying to you "stay the course" and that's what they mean. Choose your responses based on deliberate, thoughtful decisions that are the most likely choices to save your marriage. Learn as much as you can about infidelity, how it happens and why, some different approaches, and then pick the one that resonates with YOU and stick to that plan in a calculated, conscious, purposeful way.
Okay--much more to say but for now...I concur with Mem and Conrad. Do not drink and speak to her. That is just TOO volatile and is kind of like pouring gas on a fire and then wondering why it flamed out of control. For tonight, I suggest deciding for yourself if YOU want to make the commitment to try to save your marriage. That is a big question, and should be entered into as deliberately as taking the vow in the first place. Otherwise...I'll write more as the night goes on.