None of the advice you are receiving here is bad. However, much like your current circumstances ... there is a lot going on, and it's overwhelming.
People that have already had the displeasure of going through these exact same circumstances feel compelled to advise, inform and protect you.
We would all love nothing more than to see you happy and have your marriage recover.
Here is the harsh reality: There is zero chance of that occurring anytime in the near future.
The up-side is ... there is no timeframe. Time is immaterial. Your threshold for tolerance is the benchmark.
I have always echoed; you need to be prepared to sacrifice your marriage in order to save it.
Here is what you need to digest for the moment.
Your wife has absolutely no interest in saving your marriage right now. NONE. She has no interest in, nor respect for you.
Quite the contrary, she is actively engaged in being consistently disrespectful. She will demonize you, and prattle on about how she never loved you in the first place.
You can choose to let this crap erode your self-esteem, or you can look at for what it is ... bullsh!t.
For all the recommendations you are given here, read them, weigh them ... but only implement those that you know you are capable of.
You do still need to be the rock ... for you. For your kids. More than likely that she will try to pull them into the hate-fest as well.
Accept that you may need to move vigorously to actually give her what she claims she wants. If she keeps screaming it's over, then you really, really, need to go see an attorney. Be proactive.
The more real and obviously painful, that her life becomes as she pursues her 'dream' of dumping you, this is what will give her pause. And the only way she gets there is if you meet her instability with steadfast, cold, calculated certainty.
Doesn't mean you can't feel crushed, sad, and hopeless ... but you cannot feel or display those emotions when you are dealing with her, or your children.
You have done the right things in an effort to save your marriage. Ultimately, if she doesn't want the same things you do ... then the marriage was never worth saving in the first place. Coming to that realization follows a different timeline for everyone.
But I remember that US has this stupid law about privacy.
Did you have her permission to read her emails? If you didn't, then she can threaten you. Or if she really hates you, she can sue you!
She can gang up with that man together and make your life even worse. I hope I am not that paranoid, and she is not that vindictive.
It's not illegal to read your wife's stuff, just (usually) rude.
But you should make a copy of that journal. If the emails you sent the OMW didn't convince her, maybe the journal would convince her that your wife, at least, has it bad for her husband. Besides, it might be useful in court.
If you lived in an enlightened Southern state, that would be useful in an alienation of affection lawsuit.
When I found out that my ex was having an affair, I didn't say anything, I didn't even tell him that I knew what was going on, I just knew that it was time for me to make up my decision and leave everything behind. People think they are smart and they can cover up everything, actually they can't. Paper can't wrap fire.
I didn't make our divorce ugly either, all for my son's sake. A husband and wife can become distant and strangers, but they will always be the children's parents. If they end well, they are still friends, they won't bring too much insecurity to their children, but if they keep on fighting, and go to court, it is only adding stress to the children, parents' divorce is already bad, ugly ending can make it even worse, it is not good for kids.
I know many of you have been through a lot of stuff out there and have seen a lot of divorce and break ups. My gut tells me that she is not going to turn vindictive. The FOG will wear off and she will come to her senses, maybe not continue the marriage, but at least not drag in through the mud. I'm glad I pulled the trigger because she was prepared to do some serious "cake eating" while she figured out if the OM was good for her! Either way, it's over and we can all move on. Reading her journal just showed me that in her current state had no serious intention of working things out with me. Sure they can gang up on me, but I have a couple of lawyer friends that could really put the hurt to her if I wanted, but I'm not going there.
I looked up the paperwork in our state for a legal separation. Depending on things go in the next couple of days, I'm going to fill them out and give them to her.
I think her family is prepared to give her as much money as she needs to live on her own. I guess I'm fine with that. I was hoping she would stay in this house until the fog cleared. I might not have a choice though. My kids will be heartbroken. I am heartbroken...
She's angry at you for exposing the fact that she was betraying you.
The journal indicates the depth to which she was willing to go to deceive you and perpetrate that betrayal.
It's ugly.
Would advise that you continue to see the therapist. It doesn't get easier ... what happens is that you get stronger.
I don't want to relive my pain. But it was pain. And it was for a long time. I didn't recover until I found my new happiness.
I didn't get to have my son since I was in no position to fight for my son's custody, at that time I didn't have Taiwanese citizenship. I would wake up crying from my dream, heartbroken.
But time heals everything. After some time(one year, or even longer)it will be all gone, and you will find hope again, it all depends on you!!!
I actually have a therapy session today at noon... Obviously I will tell him everything. He's really good and will help me through this. Then tomorrow, my wife is seeing him. I hope he knocks some sense into her brain! I don't think we'll do joint session again for a very long time if at all... Wife has gone to the gym and will be back in a half hour. I'm sure I'll update later today with everything...
I don't see his wife working with him together. She doesn't even feel bad for what she is doing, right now she is working together with this OM. What MNG did pushed them even closer.
Right now she sees MNG as their enemy.
Believe me, she will use all she can to make MNG a bad man!
GP it’s not a case of being confident about anything. More about which way it will all go in a month, six months or a years time. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was it destroyed in a day.
It's not illegal to read your wife's stuff, just (usually) rude.
That's getting to be a muddier situation these days. I'm sure most of us saw the news stories in the past few months about the husband facing criminal charges for accessing his DW's email. The outcome of that case will certainly impact folks like us in the situations we've faced. Analysis of those stories seemed to reach a concensus that, (using the story in question as an example) if the computer was purchased with the H's money or with joint funds, he has a right to access any information on that computer. The remaining question marks, though, are: How does that apply in community property states; since all funds are "joint funds," do both spouses have access? In the case of web-based email (Yahoo, gmail, etc), can the information truly be said to be "on that computer?"
The case in question also has a he said/she said component to it. The H claims that the W had her passwords written in a notebook by the computer; the W claims no such notebook exists. This raises the question of - assuming, for a moment, the notebook exists - if the H, being a member of the household, has access to the notebook and the computer, what expectation of email privacy exists? If the notebook doesn't exist, and he obtained the password(s) through other means, we cycle back to the earlier questions about who does and doesn't have a legal right to determine that information?
I don't know about anyone else, bit I'm interested in seeing how this one turns out. Might have to look later and se if any updates have been reported. Posted via Mobile Device
We've always been open about each other's email account. She is always reading my emails, right up until I dropped the bomb yesterday. About 20 minutes before I dropped the bomb she was texting me in a very friendly manner... I just don't get it...
The fact that we've always been open about emails and the fact that she has been reading and answering emails from my account for years tells me she has no leg to stand on with this issue.
I made copies of a few pages of her journal. The ones where she professes her deep affection of the OM. I have them stored away safely in case I need to use them. I have been a devoted, if distant husband. I was a Mr. Nice Guy smothering her though, I know that know but that is not the basis for anything in a divorce court. Right away she told me we need to break up the business and house right away so she could get some cash to move out, but then quickly backpedaled to say that we will just sleep in separate beds and maintain a pleasant atmosphere around the kids..
We've always been open about each other's email account. She is always reading my emails, right up until I dropped the bomb yesterday. About 20 minutes before I dropped the bomb she was texting me in a very friendly manner... I just don't get it...
The fact that we've always been open about emails and the fact that she has been reading and answering emails from my account for years tells me she has no leg to stand on with this issue.
I made copies of a few pages of her journal. The ones where she professes her deep affection of the OM. I have them stored away safely in case I need to use them. I have been a devoted, if distant husband. I was a Mr. Nice Guy smothering her though, I know that know but that is not the basis for anything in a divorce court. Right away she told me we need to break up the business and house right away so she could get some cash to move out, but then quickly backpedaled to say that we will just sleep in separate beds and maintain a pleasant atmosphere around the kids..
So . . . tell me again, why does SHE get to set the terms?
She didn't set the terms, we kind of came to a mutual agreement... but that was last night...
I talked to her this morning when she came back from the gym and she is trying to set the terms. She is oddly pleasant and happy. She immediately said she wants to move out. Is taking money out of the business to get an apartment. She is looking at apartments this morning. Doesn't want anyone to know about what is going on and wants to keep the business running and like nothing happened. If I pull another stunt like yesterday she is going to force the breakup of our business. I just looked at her dumbfounded. I said go ahead and move out, I'll buy you some boxes! No talk of divorce or separation, but time by herself.
I know my options here. I can escalate and let the world know about the affair. I need to get the upper hand here without bringing the lawyers. I really don't want to go there. If she really wants to move out, I need to let her go. But, I need to set the tone of how this thing is going, but like I said, there is nothing I can do if she really wants to leave us. She is going to look at apartments about 3 miles away.
The business is my baby. We have an outside investor that is not going to be too pleased with this situation. My wife poured a lot of her income into getting it set up, as did I. She is holding it hostage while she gets her way. I really don't want to call her bluff on this as it's my passion and there is about a $ million invested in this thing and it's just starting to take off. I have no way to pay off her half of the assets if I wanted to keep it running. If she initiates legal action to split up our company it will get very ugly.
You know sometimes you have to let things go and move on. I am already thinking about meeting other women. I think it would be fun to date again. It's been so long since I've had some good sex, I don't even remember what it's like anymore...
In the meantime, we are still going to work together on it until she finds a job. She said she would always be involved with the business. She can't move out right away since we don't have the money and I'm sure an apartment won't be available for many days.
Reconciliation at this point seems hopeless. I know, don't say it's over until the papers are signed...
1Likes
Re: EA already moving towards PA! 
