IanIronwood

Good for you, man. Stand your ground and don't budge. Hold on to that "pissed off" feeling and nurture it. When she starts trying to get you emotionally vulnerable, it might help support you.

The bright side? You know all those annoying household things that she insists on doing her way? You get to do them your way, now.

And I know it's far too soon, but make sure that you nail down the terms even of your unofficial separation. Are either of you allowed to date during the hiatus? Have sex with other people? Establish that right up front to avoid any misunderstandings later. Any dude can put up with celibacy for six months. But if she's going to be out dating while she "gets her head on straight" you should be afforded the same courtesy. If its a deal breaker for either of you reconciling, establish that fact now as well.

And after business hours . . . send her ass home.

MisterNiceGuy

I hear you on the dating thing. I doubt she will date anyone, but before this gets to far, we need to have some type of agreement.

Over at MarriageBuilders.com in the infidelity section both spouse are supposed to apologize for their actions. I'm wondering how long I give that? A few days? A couple of weeks? She didn't apologize for anything yet...

Conrad

I know this is difficult, but please stop.

Just take care of business and do your best to let it go.

The next move is hers.

You aren't able to fix this.

Don't waste any precious mental energy trying.

TAKE CARE OF YOU.

Looking for apologies is weak. Don't be weak.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

eagleclaw

Personally, I think she needs to realize that with seperation, comes a change to the dynamic of the relationship. She needs to appreciate what she stands to lose, and feel the pressure going the other way to gain perspective. If it was me, I would write up a "loose" seperation agreement not regarding finances and such, but the terms of your relationship due to the seperation. And I would be the one suggesting that during seperation dating IS permissable. At this point she wanted to leave, and she is doing so.

You need to come off as accepting that and moving on. Give HER something to think about. And if she balks at it, you can point out that she was dating WHILE you were not seperated. So your suggestion of dating while seperated is reasonable. And since you know she was willing to do so during the marriage you fully expect she will do so while seperated as will you. And let her know that if you find someone else in that time than so be it.

This shows her your serious, it shows her your thinking about YOUR future and not a shared future, and it introduces some very real consequences for HER going forward. There is risk of you dating, there is risk of you finding someone and if she cares at all that's going to get her thinking. It very much will rebalance the struggle between you and put the anxiety and the next move in her ball court which is where they belong.

MEM11363

Yes yes yes

eagleclaw

Also, shortly there after I would make a point of going out a few times and visit friends etc and don't answer your phone etc. Offer no explanation if asked. You don't ower her an explanation.

Conrad

A thousand times yes!

STAY OFF MARRIAGE BUILDERS

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

eagleclaw

Conrad: Never been to marriage builders, what's the problem with them?

Conrad

It's a fantastic website about relationship building.

It's not time for MNG to be there.

He's put the ball in her court.

Any sort of "fixing" behavior steps on his message.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

AFEH

Yep. The process seems designed to produce the archetypal Nice Guy.

AFEH

MNG you may find the thread at The 180 helpful.

Bob

IanIronwood

A site designed with female sexual values in mind, not male sexual values.

I mean, really: what do YOU have to apologize for? Not turning her over your knee when her behavior came to light? You used to be a nice guy and she abused it. No more Nice Guy. That's a privilege to be earned, and she blew it.

MisterNiceGuy

We have not talk about our future together whatsoever except for the fact that she is partially moving out. She's not going to move out all at once, just slowly over time. She is not taking all her stuff, she just wants to take a sofa bed and a small table and some chairs and kitchen stuff and clothes. She said she would eat many of her meals here with the kids and she would have the kids over to her place a couple nights a week. But she will be in and out of here for business stuff.

I hear you on Marriage Builders, I got that feeling it was a little beta for me. I have read through the 180 degree plan before, but obviously wasn't there yet to implement it. I am doing almost all that stuff now. She was the one that initiated our conversation this morning. She has been initiating all talk these past couple of days. I didn't apologize for anything. She wanted to see the email that I sent her mother and that got her blood pressure up for a minute, but I didn't apologize for sending it. I probably could've written a more tactful letter, but it was in the heat of the moment and she has moved on already.

She is actively seeking a job and has said that if she gets one, all the money goes into our joint checking account and she will cover me with insurance.

The only thing in the 180 degree thing is that we do need to talk about our future a little if I am coming up with a separation agreement. I'm trying to come up with one, but I think it would go something like this:

- Six month period
- No Dating anyone (or the inverse, Dating allowed)
- No seeing/communicating with OM
- No splitting up property
- You can come and go in the house whenever you want
- You can see/take the kids to your place whenever you want with prior notification
- If you want to move back in the house with me at any time, no problem
- Cannot completely move out until six months.
- You cannot start divorce within six months
- Counseling for both of us.
- Keep our joint checking accounts
- No major purchases without prior agreement
- Our joint business (our income) as usual
- If you get a job, all money flows into joint personal account
- Violation of these will instigate divorce proceedings

Anything else?

AFEH

MNG. I think one of the things with the 180 is “no control”. It’s the concept that we cannot control another person’s behaviour plus we are not responsible for their behaviour. The only behaviour we can control is our own and the only people we are responsible is our self and our children.

With that in mind I would take out anything that looks like control. For example “No seeing/communicating with OM” is a form of trying to control your wife’s behaviour. If she wants to see OM she will see him anyway no matter what she signs up to, so putting it in is rather pointless. Plus that’s not what it’s all about. It’s more about “letting her run” in her new way of life and leaving her to it. Time will tell what decision she will come to, but she will not make a decision until she has experienced her “new life”.

“You cannot start divorce within six months”. “Cannot completely move out until six months” are more control requirements. Look at your wife as a mature adult no matter how she’s behaving. You can tell your wife what to do, but that doesn’t mean she’ll obey you.

“If you want to move back in the house with me at any time, no problem”. Personally I wouldn’t put that in. You may well see things very differently as time goes by and may well not want her back. Plus it gives her one heck of a sense of security with you which she has proven herself unworthy of. Perhaps “If you want to move back in then let’s sit down and discuss it” would be better?

Why not ask your wife to write down her requirements for her separation first? I would not show my hand first under these circumstances.

Just some thoughts, hope it helps.

Bob

MisterNiceGuy

Good idea... I'll just bring up the fact that we need some boundaries around this separation, and tell her to please come up with a list of things we can both live with. I'll ask her to do this before she starts moving her stuff out.