I'm not generally in favor of having sex with others during a separation. Yes it can be very effective at gaining her attention, but it complicates things enormously. Makes the repair job much harder and longer.
I am very much in favor of making it very clear that you can take steps towards replacing her if you are pushed that far. i.e. physical exercise and looking hotter, dressing better, flirting more with others, being more mysterious, not immediately answering every text or call etc.
Also with a 50 year old woman who wants to leave and play the field... just start laughing at them like they are clueless idiots. Losing an ungrateful cheating 50 year old woman and you starting a relationship up with a 35-40 year old woman in 6-12 months is a huge win for you.
You love her though, so I understand why you want her back. Even if it is getting you less of a woman than you could get.
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I'm not generally in favor of having sex with others during a separation. Yes it can be very effective at gaining her attention, but it complicates things enormously. Makes the repair job much harder and longer.
F*ckin' A it does. It's a bad idea. Especially if you are using it as a band-aid for a broken heart ... which you would be.
I believe the advice given is far more about appearances and perception.
It's obvious to me that MNG wants his marriage back, sans crazy-ass, untrustworthy wife.
Mem was able to paint the exact picture I was so clumbsily trying to paint. Spot on what I was getting at though. I'm not suggesting you DO date right off the bat, but she needs to think you are. As you pointed out you already tried the beta lite approach and things got worse. Sounds to me like nothing less than full alpha is going to get her attention. She sounds a bit like my wife, a master at manipulating any situation to give her the upper hand. If you were already trying to man up because that was lacking, I would submit that NOW you need to go full alpha on this - I can't think of a marital issue more deserving.........
Ha! she threw me a curve ball this morning! She isn't moving out. We really can't afford it she says. She's going back down to the guest bedroom downstairs. As soon as she finds a job she is out of here. She isn't going to work on the marriage at all yet... maybe in the future... argh! In the mood she's in, I can't force her back upstairs into our bed and try to actively work on our marriage!
I don't understand people who want a body without a soul together!
You do want both. At some point you had both. That's what you remember. That's what you hope for and why you hang in there and deal with the crap ... until it becomes obvious that there is no soul any more.
Ha! she threw me a curve ball this morning! She isn't moving out. We really can't afford it she says. She's going back down to the guest bedroom downstairs. As soon as she finds a job she is out of here. She isn't going to work on the marriage at all yet... maybe in the future... argh! In the mood she's in, I can't force her back upstairs into our bed and try to actively work on our marriage!
And you shouldn't want to.
Not until she acknowledges what she has done, apologizes for it and attempts to convince you WHY you should take her back.
Your still chasing - and she isn't giving you any reason to do so. You need to get it in your head that she needs to meet your requirements now before working on the marriage is even considered. Are you REALLY willing to accept all that happened and just sweep it under the rug and continue down the road your marriage has been on the last few months?
Remind her that her indecisiveness is providing an unstable environment for the children.
That moving out is NOT a small decision as YOU need to provide stability for the kids.
I would go one step further ..... and say....ARE YOU OK MENTALLY? HOW CAN MAKE SUCH ENORMOUS DECISIONS AND CHANGE THEM SO QUICKLY?
I might sound like I'm chasing her here, but in reality I've been the cool, pissed off husband that I've been since I dropped the bomb. I think she is just trying to feel like she has the upper hand here. I think I'll give her a day or two with her new decision before I do anything else about it. I guess I'm back to the 180 degree plan for now and getting on with my life...
Remind her that her indecisiveness is providing an unstable environment for the children.
That moving out is NOT a small decision as YOU need to provide stability for the kids.
I would go one step further ..... and say....ARE YOU OK MENTALLY? HOW CAN MAKE SUCH ENORMOUS DECISIONS AND CHANGE THEM SO QUICKLY?
Do so in a very calm MANLY way.
You know how she can do that, because she is a woman coming off an affair and isn't thinking things through and clearly enough to make sound decisions. From what I've read it can take a couple of weeks for them to start thinking clearly again after the break up...
I might sound like I'm chasing her here, but in reality I've been the cool, pissed off husband that I've been since I dropped the bomb. I think she is just trying to feel like she has the upper hand here. I think I'll give her a day or two with her new decision before I do anything else about it. I guess I'm back to the 180 degree plan for now and getting on with my life...
I know you're in a tough spot, but I would at least push her towards the door -- indicate that she is no longer welcome in your home as your wife and that staying is not a wise idea. "I think we should stick with your original plan" or "I'm not comfortable with that until we're know where we stand. Perhaps you should go stay with a girlfriend if you can't find a place." Start bringing in boxes and shifting stuff around. DO NOT even attempt to get her to move back into the bedroom or you will have lost everything.
You are still chasing her, at least in your heart, and you need to stop. She has lost the right to dictate to you. She has lost the power in the relationship, unless you hand it back to her again. And appearing to give even an inch right now is going to show her that she has her power back. Stay strong. Head her towards the door. If you still have to work with her, so be it, but there's no reason you should have to share a roof with a woman who is not your de facto wife.
Yes... I was up half the night working myself up for this moving out thing and now she's changed gears on me again. She is much better at this dance than I am, that's for sure. Right now I'm there for the kids and giving her the 180 degree treatment until I figure out what to do next...
I think her mother and best friend must be putting pressure for her to stay here with the kids. Seeing how easily she flopped on the moving out thing, if I can just pressure on her about living in this house with my rules, she might capitulate... playing cool right now...
You know how she can do that, because she is a woman coming off an affair and isn't thinking things through and clearly enough to make sound decisions. From what I've read it can take a couple of weeks for them to start thinking clearly again after the break up...
Agreed, but you need to point out that the insanity and instability in not in the best interest of the children.
Moving out is an ENORMOUS decision, one that requires planning.
I know you're in a tough spot, but I would at least push her towards the door -- indicate that she is no longer welcome in your home as your wife and that staying is not a wise idea. "I think we should stick with your original plan" or "I'm not comfortable with that until we're know where we stand. Perhaps you should go stay with a girlfriend if you can't find a place." Start bringing in boxes and shifting stuff around. DO NOT even attempt to get her to move back into the bedroom or you will have lost everything.
You are still chasing her, at least in your heart, and you need to stop. She has lost the right to dictate to you. She has lost the power in the relationship, unless you hand it back to her again. And appearing to give even an inch right now is going to show her that she has her power back. Stay strong. Head her towards the door. If you still have to work with her, so be it, but there's no reason you should have to share a roof with a woman who is not your de facto wife.
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Re: EA already moving towards PA! 
