An update... well things have turn better around here the past couple of days. My wife is a lot more cheerful and so am I. She has been reading the 5 Love Languages book and we were going through it a bit, which is an encouraging sign that she is thinking about the future. We talked for several hours yesterday about emotional needs and such and she was very encouraging. I brought up the OM and she said she felt stupid and that there was nothing there and I needed to trust her. There was no affair (the guys wife is one of my wife's good friends) and she couldn't be the cause of so much heartache and disruption to his family and our friends.
Today she was very upbeat and I know she was going to meet this guy today for lunch. After she left, I checked her computer and there was not document up on it basically saying that she and he were both searching for something, but she (my wife) is going to use her marriage as the place to find what she is looking for (yah for me!) and that he either needs to leave his wife or find whatever he needs in his marriage but she wasn't going to be apart of whatever he needs to do.
I know my wife pretty well (17 years together) and when she makes up her mind, there really isn't turning her around. I think she's made her mind up to try and work on our marriage and not do anything with this guy.
Her actions speak volumes and I'm not getting that vibe anymore from her that this is something I need to worry about. Like I said, I'll bring it up one last time with the therapist this Friday, but then I'm putting it to sleep...
Tell me if it's too soon for this... I've found a No Contact letter out there on the web for an affair. Although she hasn't actually done anything about the affair physically, she seems determined to play it out. I thought the letter might put a quick stop to it.
She clearly is not thinking about all the damage this will cause everyone. His wife and kids, my kids, our business, our house all of our friends. It's so pointless...
She told me she "loved me" this morning... I guess it works both ways when they are sceaming at you they hate you and want to move out they don't mean it and when they are telling you they love you they don't mean it either... I'll never get married again I can tell you that...
Dude, sorry but when one party to a marriage indulges in this sort of behaviour, sadly it's the begginning of the end.
I gave my ex two chances, on the third it was over.
I SHOULD have ended it on the first.
The saying 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' is so damn true.
Get legal advice and end it as quickly as possible, the longer you take to get it sorted the more it does your head in.
Im sorry to say but when this sort of thing happens their is no return.
Good Luck with getting it sorted quickly.
Oh and get prepared for her to become the person you DIDN'T get Married to.
Make sure you NEVER drag the kids into the whole seperation thing. Support them emotionally and never say a bad word about her in front of the kids.
I to got the vib. from my cheating W and its been 12 months and 3 days since I confronted W. Things are awsome. no more "girls night out" no more sleeping with the cell phone in her pillow. No more password on the laptop or cell. No more waking up in the middle of the night to find her gone.
She calls all the time when she at work and is always home if not at work. Its great to have my best friend back.
Granted I still snoop and keep an eye on her texting and other account activities, and I suggest you do the same.
Thanks, I knew there must be some positive experiences out there. The change over the past couple of days has been awesome. I wouldn't say we are out of the woods, but at least she is turning her attention to me... My W never got that bad and I still think it was more like a school girl crush. There were no emails, texts, cell phone calls, im or anything so I don't think she was in too deep. She is just naive or sloppy when it comes to covering her tracks because I've seen everything she's done on her computer...
Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy
I to got the vib. from my cheating W and its been 12 months and 3 days since I confronted W. Things are awsome. no more "girls night out" no more sleeping with the cell phone in her pillow. No more password on the laptop or cell. No more waking up in the middle of the night to find her gone.
She calls all the time when she at work and is always home if not at work. Its great to have my best friend back.
Granted I still snoop and keep an eye on her texting and other account activities, and I suggest you do the same.
I don't know what my wife said to this guy, but he has sent her a big long love note that he had written months ago. She has not responded. OK, this is new territory for me... She does not know that I've been reading her email. I'm livid at this and I need to confront her as soon as I see her.
Do I tell her straight up that I've been reading her emails? Do I make do a No Contact letter with this guy?
My gut tells me that she is trying to move on and work it out with me, but I can't have this distraction floating about out there. I don't think I can confront this guy face to face, can I do it in email? Argh!
I don't know what my wife said to this guy, but he has sent her a big long love note that he had written months ago. She has not responded. OK, this is new territory for me... She does not know that I've been reading her email. I'm livid at this and I need to confront her as soon as I see her.
Do I tell her straight up that I've been reading her emails? Do I make do a No Contact letter with this guy?
My gut tells me that she is trying to move on and work it out with me, but I can't have this distraction floating about out there. I don't think I can confront this guy face to face, can I do it in email? Argh!
She's telling you she wants everything to work out. Now you find a love letter.
If you confront her NOW, you will lose access to her e-mail, which might be the only way you'll really know what's going on.
E-mailing the other man will not likely be effective either. I always struggle a bit here - because HE'S not your #1 problem - your wife is.
Did you say you have marriage therapy on Friday? Even if not, I would wait at least a few more days - or longer - to see if you can find any other revealing e-mails.
MNG,
OK - you have to be really practical here. HE sent her a love letter not the other way around. She is partly to blame but you will likely never know how much.
If you don't want to do a face to face with him - which is fine - you could do this.
Call his cell and read him "your letter to him" which should be something along the lines of:
I have in my hand the letter you sent my W. I have good news and bad news. The good news is I have not yet sent it to your W. The bad news is that unless you do exactly what I say below I AM going to let your W know what is happening. If any of the stuff below happens - your W gets the call.
- If you tell my W I called you
- If you do anything other than end this immediately - without in any way referencing me directly/indirectly
- If my marriage fails in the near term for any reason at all
As upset as you are right now - and as unsure as you are regarding her guilt - talking to her might be a big mistake.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterNiceGuy
I don't know what my wife said to this guy, but he has sent her a big long love note that he had written months ago. She has not responded. OK, this is new territory for me... She does not know that I've been reading her email. I'm livid at this and I need to confront her as soon as I see her.
Do I tell her straight up that I've been reading her emails? Do I make do a No Contact letter with this guy?
My gut tells me that she is trying to move on and work it out with me, but I can't have this distraction floating about out there. I don't think I can confront this guy face to face, can I do it in email? Argh!
I would just like to wholeheartedly agree with MEM.
You have been hesitant about confronting your wife.
But, what you have here (this letter) is the "smoking gun".
You can wreck this bastard if he doesn't do precisely what you tell him to do.
Also, once you rid your life of him, you can observe how your wife responds.
Remember - she never has to know you did this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
MNG,
OK - you have to be really practical here. HE sent her a love letter not the other way around. She is partly to blame but you will likely never know how much.
If you don't want to do a face to face with him - which is fine - you could do this.
Call his cell and read him "your letter to him" which should be something along the lines of:
I have in my hand the letter you sent my W. I have good news and bad news. The good news is I have not yet sent it to your W. The bad news is that unless you do exactly what I say below I AM going to let your W know what is happening. If any of the stuff below happens - your W gets the call.
- If you tell my W I called you
- If you do anything other than end this immediately - without in any way referencing me directly/indirectly
- If my marriage fails in the near term for any reason at all
As upset as you are right now - and as unsure as you are regarding her guilt - talking to her might be a big mistake.
Thanks guys... I don't need some love sick puppy following my wife around. I just checked her email and she deleted the email and emptied her trash before I could get a copy, but I have other emails that aren't as incriminating, but plenty bad. Enough that his wife would still get pissed.
Yes, I have a therapy session tomorrow with her and we have never official put this thing to bed. I will do that tomorrow with the therapist present.
You are right, the first thing she would do is shut down access to everything if I confronted her. Best to keep an eye on it covertly...
I need to mull over my response to this guy. Part of the problem is that I think my wife thinks that we can still socialize with this guy and his wife. You know that may be possible, but not for a really long time... I think my wife needs to know that.
You know I can see your point of view. But digging through all my wife's crap she has never really covered her tracks and has been fairly upfront (but not completely) about what she was going through with him. Having worked in the spy business for many years, I know a little about how to uncover this stuff. Either my wife is superb at running a deception campaign or just a little sloppy and maybe almost wants me to find out this stuff... I honestly think the later is what is really going on.
In counseling you can demonize him - but still get her to commit to no contact. If it was me I would tell the counselor: "It is obvious he is aggressively pursuing her - I KNOW this guy he WANTS her.
And I would let her respond to that. If she agrees he is, and most important that she needs to go "NC" with him - you have made a big step forward.
If she denies that he is pursuing her and is non-commital about staying completely away from him I would try the soft approach first. I would ask her directly:
"I am not making this about you, I am asking you about him. Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me he is not aggressively pursuing a relationship with you"?
I would do the soft, sincere voice for that question. And if she looked me in the eye and lied straight to my face - I would just do the long, painful silence with eye contact. And then same soft, gentle voice.
"Do you think there is any possibility of repairing our marriage without genuine honesty about important stuff like this"?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterNiceGuy
Thanks guys... I don't need some love sick puppy following my wife around. I just checked her email and she deleted the email and emptied her trash before I could get a copy, but I have other emails that aren't as incriminating, but plenty bad. Enough that his wife would still get pissed.
Yes, I have a therapy session tomorrow with her and we have never official put this thing to bed. I will do that tomorrow with the therapist present.
You are right, the first thing she would do is shut down access to everything if I confronted her. Best to keep an eye on it covertly...
I need to mull over my response to this guy. Part of the problem is that I think my wife thinks that we can still socialize with this guy and his wife. You know that may be possible, but not for a really long time... I think my wife needs to know that.
MEM's thoughts about the session are 100% spot on.
AND - in the background, you can be making SURE that there is no temptation for her (with this guy) EVER again.
All that angst you're feeling can find release, because you have him by the sack.
He won't dare move on her. Trust us.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
In counseling you can demonize him - but still get her to commit to no contact. If it was me I would tell the counselor: "It is obvious he is aggressively pursuing her - I KNOW this guy he WANTS her.
And I would let her respond to that. If she agrees he is, and most important that she needs to go "NC" with him - you have made a big step forward.
If she denies that he is pursuing her and is non-commital about staying completely away from him I would try the soft approach first. I would ask her directly:
"I am not making this about you, I am asking you about him. Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me he is not aggressively pursuing a relationship with you"?
I would do the soft, sincere voice for that question. And if she looked me in the eye and lied straight to my face - I would just do the long, painful silence with eye contact. And then same soft, gentle voice.
"Do you think there is any possibility of repairing our marriage without genuine honesty about important stuff like this"?
And if he "does" move on her despite your warning - call his wife. I can assure you that his happy confident "affect" with your W will quickly change if he is forced to sleep in the garage at home.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Conrad
MNG,
MEM's thoughts about the session are 100% spot on.
AND - in the background, you can be making SURE that there is no temptation for her (with this guy) EVER again.
All that angst you're feeling can find release, because you have him by the sack.
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Re: EA already moving towards PA! 
