I totally agree with Conrad on this. Listen - I have a simple but very extreme view of this stuff. ANYONE who messes with my W while she is with me - has declared WAR on my family. Not something I would respond passively to.
If she wants to dissolve the family - that is her right. But she has to directly say so by asking for a divorce. Once she does that, she/he/they are free to do as they wish.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Conrad
One last note...
Your wife thinks you can be "social" with the OM and his wife?
Breaking update... I went to make a couple of deliveries this afternoon and came back and my wife was on the phone. Her face just sunk when she saw me. Not expecting me back so soon. She said, gotta go and could hear a deep voice on the other end say bye. Then she looks at me and tells me that was her best friend (a woman) on the phone... I'm fuming because I know it's him! I have to go do a couple of things and come back and I can't keep it in any longer and say that wasn't your friend on the phone it was the OM. She said yes... immediately she says she needs to move out, but she starts to back peddle. I say it's me or him. She says she's confused. (I just wrote her a long letter last night telling how I feel and she really liked it) I said I'm tired of pouring my guts out (in that letter) just to have her walk all over them. I don't need these distractions if we are to get this marriage back on track. She said she didn't need them either. I said we are going to take care of this later (I have some business to attend to) and she said she was going to take care of it. I look at her and she looks pissed. She says that my response was perfect and appreciated. She hears me... I left it at that and now I'm going for a run to blow off some steam...
I think it's exactly what I thought it was. She's trying to avail her self of this guy, but I don't think she can see how to do it right. Talking more to him isn't going to get her where she needs to be if she really wants to end it.
I found all her emails, she had hidden them in folder, but she forgets how tech savvy I am sometimes. There is not a hint of romance in her emails, but his are always hinting at something. I think she truly wants to end it but is having a difficult time. I need to contact him and tell him no more and she and I have to have some type of agreement that she will not contact him anymore. I think the therapist session will be a great place to hash that out so I don't blow a gasket over this...
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MNNNNNNNNNNNG,
Have you printed his love letter? If not, you need to. AND forward it to your email account. And create a new account and forward it to that. It is the ultimate weapon in the war for your marriage. Do you really think your W will respect you for being "patient" with this crap? You think she would let you do this to her? Have you lost your mind?
All that said - EVERYTHING you do needs to be calm. Short phrases, harsh tone, description of consequences. No loud voice. NO loss of control.
Why are you afraid to confront this OM? He is ALL OVER your wife. She is clearly waffling. Wow. You do not have to be "aggressive" style wise with him. Just bring this right to his doorstep - he is a half step from being in your ***ing bed man.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterNiceGuy
Breaking update... I went to make a couple of deliveries this afternoon and came back and my wife was on the phone. Her face just sunk when she saw me. Not expecting me back so soon. She said, gotta go and could hear a deep voice on the other end say bye. Then she looks at me and tells me that was her best friend (a woman) on the phone... I'm fuming because I know it's him! I have to go do a couple of things and come back and I can't keep it in any longer and say that wasn't your friend on the phone it was the OM. She said yes... immediately she says she needs to move out, but she starts to back peddle. I say it's me or him. She says she's confused. (I just wrote her a long letter last night telling how I feel and she really liked it) I said I'm tired of pouring my guts out (in that letter) just to have her walk all over them. I don't need these distractions if we are to get this marriage back on track. She said she didn't need them either. I said we are going to take care of this later (I have some business to attend to) and she said she was going to take care of it. I look at her and she looks pissed. She says that my response was perfect and appreciated. She hears me... I left it at that and now I'm going for a run to blow off some steam...
I think it's exactly what I thought it was. She's trying to avail her self of this guy, but I don't think she can see how to do it right. Talking more to him isn't going to get her where she needs to be if she really wants to end it.
I found all her emails, she had hidden them in folder, but she forgets how tech savvy I am sometimes. There is not a hint of romance in her emails, but his are always hinting at something. I think she truly wants to end it but is having a difficult time. I need to contact him and tell him no more and she and I have to have some type of agreement that she will not contact him anymore. I think the therapist session will be a great place to hash that out so I don't blow a gasket over this...
I say this with the utmost compassion and empathy for your situation, but.......
How many times do you need to get kicked in your nuts before you get it? This is what women in the FOG do! They know what they are doing is wrong,but they want the affair too! You are being played, my friend. Your tolerance and patience is enabling her to continue this behavior! She is in limbo right now, trying to hold onto both of you, while she sorts out her feelings. Well, what's to sort out? NOTHING! Him or you! Get her to make a decision now or you make it for her. That's what I had to do with my wife, and it drove the point home after our separation and she realized I was getting on in my life fine without her. Only then did she realize WTF she was doing.
You know how she needs to avail herself of this guy? STOP CALLING HIM! It's really that simple. No emails, no phone calls, no "talking it out with him". NO CONTACT! Posted via Mobile Device
Exposing simply to the man and telling him not to tell your wife will result in him telling your wife. He is addicted and cannot control his behavoir. You should print out all the letters and expose to his wife. If a man was going to come attack your wife with a knife, would you let her talk you into handling it herself? You would do everything possible to stop it. You should stop at nothing here.
Exposing simply to the man and telling him not to tell your wife will result in him telling your wife. He is addicted and cannot control his behavoir. You should print out all the letters and expose to his wife. If a man was going to come attack your wife with a knife, would you let her talk you into handling it herself? You would do everything possible to stop it. You should stop at nothing here.
I disagree with this one. Yes, he's addicted, but he's not stupid. Once he's under threat of exposure, he's going to come to his senses enough to realize that he continues with the affair and go through a divorce, or stop what he's doing and ensure his wife never finds out. Posted via Mobile Device
Contact the OM and tell him he has one shot here, and you will not expose this affair if #1 he does not tell your wife about this contact, #2 he ends all contact with her # 3 if she contact him, he breaks it off.
Remind him again if he tells your wife and or you have any feed back from any one else about this conversation you will expose the evidence of this affair to his wife, his parents and his employer, everyone. If you find any thing that remotely senses any contact you will expose.
As long as OM ends the affair and never brings up the conversation the two of you had you will remain silent and the evidence will go away.
When a wife even so much as entertains an affair, she has felt so wronged in the marriage already. Some women have an affair to get their husbands to "fight for them" which I dont understand, but it exists. So, in either scenario you need to institute boundaries. Do as MEM says and go to the mans house, now. If you dont, you are allowing whatever happens to happen and your marriage will never be the same. She has communicated to you her desire to have her way and thus far you are letting her!
My guess would be that she wants you to fight for her and your marriage bc of the fact that she has let you in on the information instead of just going and having the affair on her own private and undisclosed time ... like a woman who has been emotionally and sexually abandoned in a marriage would do.
I know today is therapy day, but dont let any good things said in there sway you away from telling the other husband, now. That is the only way to nip it in the bud... unless they are planning to run off together and both leave their spouses... in which case best of luck to them both (not) bc they will need it to start a life on a lie like that.... lmao. Sad how some cheaters can believe that they can make something last forever starting out cheating on the very people they made sacred vows to NOT do those things against. My affair was an affair and just to get needs met... no fantasy. That is not what most cheating wives envision though... which is why I say to you to nip this in the bud. I think its ridiculous that hse even has told you these things before they happen.... she must not want them to... MAN UP ready or not!!! Dont allow this and then have the sex with her that she was probably envisioning with this other guy
Heading to the therapist now. I'm going to play it cool, with emphasis that her communication to this other guy has got to stop if she is taking this seriously. If I don't get a clear plan from her at this meeting about how she wants to move forward then I'm taking the actions outlined above today after the meeting. I'm pretty sure there will be no clear outcome today, but she really respects the therapist so I think she will follow anything he suggests. Then I might start a 180 degree plan if she refuses to cooperate. She did mention last night that I am pushing too hard for a resolution right now that I need to back off a little, but I insisted that in order for us to even think about moving forward she needs to end communication with him. She agreed with me that it is inappropriate to talk with him (but she emailed him a couple times this morning.) She is clearly in the FOG right now... After me not giving enough attention, now she is getting it from two guys in spades and she is probably loving it! Only room for one of us though... Wish me luck!
Heading to the therapist now. I'm going to play it cool, with emphasis that her communication to this other guy has got to stop if she is taking this seriously. If I don't get a clear plan from her at this meeting about how she wants to move forward then I'm taking the actions outlined above today after the meeting. Then I might start a 180 degree plan if she refuses to cooperate. She did mention last night that I am pushing too hard for a resolution right now that I need to back off a little, but I insisted that in order for us to even think about moving forward she needs to end communication with him. She agreed with me that it is inappropriate to talk with him (but she emailed him a couple times this morning.) She is clearly in the FOG right now... After me not giving enough attention, now she is getting it from two guys in spades and she is probably loving it! Only room for one of us though... Wish me luck!
MNG,
Good luck.
I'll keep this short.
She's already proven that you cannot believe what she says.
So, no matter what the "outcome" at counseling (which would involve some level of commitment about not indulging the other man), you simply MUST (I don't use that word often) take the battle to the OM.
This guy is all over your wife.
You'll never forgive yourself if you have the ammunition and do not force him to stand down.
The fact that you are not responding to that point leads me to believe that you really don't want to and - perhaps - may be afraid of him in some way.
Agreed. If this is not a 2 way shutdown she is going to be able to play the game of "I told him not to call me - it isn't my fault he keeps calling".
The reason I think the threat of disclosure is best is simply that the OM "may" back down from that. And backing down includes not whining to MNNNNNNNGs wife. If he does back down - it ends. Worst case he doesn't. And THEN you disclose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Conrad
MNG,
Good luck.
I'll keep this short.
She's already proven that you cannot believe what she says.
So, no matter what the "outcome" at counseling (which would involve some level of commitment about not indulging the other man), you simply MUST (I don't use that word often) take the battle to the OM.
This guy is all over your wife.
You'll never forgive yourself if you have the ammunition and do not force him to stand down.
The fact that you are not responding to that point leads me to believe that you really don't want to and - perhaps - may be afraid of him in some way.
1Likes
Re: EA already moving towards PA! 
