I MNG I hope you don't think we are all being mean and ganging up on you - but more the opposite. We wouldn't invest this much time and effort if it were not for the fact that we want to help you.
However, since you seem to be missing the message repeatedly - it appears that our best chance at getting through to you is to be as blunt, and direct as we can because you seem to be caught in your own fog...................and missing the point.
Next time she tells you to man up let her know you're a man with or without her. Stop taking marching orders and SHOW her that you're in control. Every time you follow her orders ("Yes dear, I'll man up!") she's chipping at the bit of alpha you already have.
Ha! You guys took this the wrong way! I meant I have my own internal marching orders. She is not dictating to me how to lead my life anymore... I am simply doing it for myself. Not for her! I need to Man Up regardless of what she says even though she right in this instance.
My husband made me understand he loves me more than anything in the world and he will be my best husband in the whole world. He dates me once a week. He gives me lots of loving attention now. So pls tell me why I would need any OM's attention? The OM has become piece of junk. So tell me how could I not to fall back in love my with my husband? My husband is my love and my life. I'm grateful my husband used his unconditional love to guide me out of the fog (3 year EA) Marriage has to go through many tests so you know if the love you have for each other is true. If you fail because you want to back off and move on, the next one is the same because you will never pass the tests with your forever chicken out attitude. The chemistry between lovers has to be found back and the fire of love has to be ignited between husband & wife.
Only falling back in love can re- connect the long lost romance & passion.
When your spouse is wayward losing herself somewhere without knowing where to go. She's in a fog, you are the only one to light up her way sailing back to your harbour.
You need a strong belief that she's always your true love that you will never regret or change your mind. She needs to know you can't live without, because when you said you love her, you meant it and you will forever, which is exactly the light and belief she must see so that you will guide her, sailing back to you.
If you're able to show her you're still her true love, and you will always be, all her insecurities will be gone, and I assure you that she will fall back in love with you. She will find lots of chemistry with you!
By that time, nothing will ever go between you and her. Your marriage will be beautiful and strong.
Think about it! Posted via Mobile Device
Listen to your heart.
When you feel peace and love, that's the right direction and right thing to do.
When you feel confused and insecure, you're heading the wrong direction of resolving your marriage issues.
Your wife hasn't really betrayed you. You can trust her.
She just needs to feel loved, desired and connected with her husband. She's so lonely but you don't understand and you're not there for her!
Husband up!
She's your wife. Why keep yourself to yourself? She needs to know you can give her the whole world and she can rely her whole life on you. You're her husband, you are supposed to be the closest and dearest better half.
I really don't think your wife is playing games with you.
She's so lost and so unsure about her future with you.
If she doesn't love you, she should have PA for a long time already and she won't feel hesitated.
Why do you need an answer? Of course she loves you! Otherwise why she would stop her EA because of you?
Women are insecure creatures. She needs to hear you first and see you show her first, then she will give her all to you!
What answer do you exactly need from her? She's just whining for more loving attention from you.
Your wife hasn't really betrayed you. Posted via Mobile Device
I call BS!
His wife, rather than addressing problems she experienced in the marriage, sought solace and emotional support with someone who wasn't her husband (and, in fact, was someone else's husband). This was done in secret...hidden, lied about. It was done with every intention of proceeding from an emotional affair to a physical one. She broke his trust in her and the in the strength of their marriage.
In what world is that NOT a betrayal? Posted via Mobile Device
I will believe you have 1/4 of ONE testicle if you decline to "date" her until:
- She stops waffling and abusing you with threats of divorce
- She gets a JOB
- She comes to your bed
At some point you are either dictating terms or you are just a whiny little beetch who she is desperately hoping to replace.
In the mean time - playful banter is ok since you "chose" to give up so much ground last night. So be playful - maybe even wrestle a bit - and see what happens.
If you "DATE" her at this point - you are basically rewarding ALL of her crazy/abusive behavior for the last month. Until you inflict some consequence on her for constantly threatening you with divorce, telling you she never loved you, having an affair, telling you that you suk as a husband - it will continue.
The case study continues.....
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterNiceGuy
Ha! You guys took this the wrong way! I meant I have my own internal marching orders. She is not dictating to me how to lead my life anymore... I am simply doing it for myself. Not for her! I need to Man Up regardless of what she says even though she right in this instance.
MNG you don’t know it, though it’s obvious for others to see, your emotions are under the direct control of your wife. It’s like you are a radio controlled car and your wife has the remote control in her hands. She pushes the forward button, you zoom forward. She pushes the reverse button, you go backwards.
She wants you to feel good, she pushes the “MNG feels good” button. She wants you to feel bad, she pushes the “MNG feels bad button”. She’s an expert at it MNG and you don’t know it.
You need to take the remote out of her hands and you do that with boundaries.
Thank you Bob. BTW - She is addicted to the power of the remote - but unable to put it down. Either MNG takes the batteries out - or she runs the marriage off a cliff.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH
MNG you don’t know it, though it’s obvious for others to see, your emotions are under the direct control of your wife. It’s like you are a radio controlled car and your wife has the remote control in her hands. She pushes the forward button, you zoom forward. She pushes the reverse button, you go backwards.
She wants you to feel good, she pushes the “MNG feels good” button. She wants you to feel bad, she pushes the “MNG feels bad button”. She’s an expert at it MNG and you don’t know it.
You need to take the remote out of her hands and you do that with boundaries.
Last I saw MNG mention it, he had evidence of her contacting him roughly two weeks (or less) ago, despite exposure to the OM's wife being before that.
Unless, that is, I misunderstood his posts. The point remains that she continued contact with him after the EA was discovered. Posted via Mobile Device
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,597
Re: EA already moving towards PA!
This thread has been moderated due to a running gun battle between multiple posters. Any and all comments in that situation were deleted. Any members that were out of line were notified via PM. If you didn't receive a PM don't sweat it but please keep the posts focused on the OP's situation. Thanks all.
AC said “…be man enough to actually care and actually notice when she's hurting....Be who you are intended to be! And show HER that through your strength you can be loving and command her respect.”
“BE WHO YOU ARE INTENDED TO BE.” Awesome. Love it!
Manning up is about standing up strong for what you believe in. Whether that’s that your wife should be faithful, or that your marriage is still worth working on in spite of its flaws.
Seems like this thread is full of a lot of conflicting advice. Throw her out, pack her bags, let her leave but don’t help her, fight for her, stay, go, etc.,
Some think your wife is crazy – some think she’s vulnerable and hurting. Some are now telling you that YOU yourself are hopeless (maybe just to get your attention?) – same people who were previously praising you and suggesting your thread be made a “sticky” and used as an example for others to follow.
Re-read AffairCare’s advice. Your wife isn’t evil, YOU aren’t hopeless, and the affair didn’t happen in a vacuum. The marriage was vulnerable before the affair started.
No one would blame you if you walked away. Many would praise you if you stayed and worked on it.
I just don’t think that YOU know what YOU want to do. If you aren’t sure, then don’t do anything right now. Just focus on yourself, your kids and your work. Don’t pack her bags – don’t date her – don’t “lawyer up” – just continue doing what YOU need to do until you feel sure about what you truly want.
1. You cannot throw her out of the house. You have no legal basis for doing so. Full stop. Trying to throw her out of the house is hostile (which is REALLY bad) and if she fights it, you look foolish which is REALLY bad. If she restarts her affair you should file for divorce and at that point you can sort out the housing situation. If she is not engaging in the EA, you shouldn't even be talking about separating.
2. You already tried to "comfort" her the night she cried in front of you. Go re-read what happened during the week after that. In summary you got a very bad result. This whole situation is all about getting the best result. She needs to cry for a while without comfort and decide whether or not she wants to be in the marriage. Let her do that.
3. I agree your W is not a "bad" person. She is confused and scared and angry. ALL of those things are valid. The issue is that she wants to put ALL of this on you. The problem that you supposedly created single handedly and the solution. As you have discovered YOU cannot solve her problems and in fact your attempts to do so have HURT the marriage.
4. If you continue to let her tell you: Chase me, give me space, I am leaving you, I am sorry, chase me, give me space, I am leaving you, (now not even bothering with I am sorry), etc. YOU will lose respect for yourself just as fast as she does.
Create your business plan for the year assuming she is out of the picture. Encourage her to get a job as that will be good for her. Let her review the business plan if she wants since she will be impacted by the results no matter what happens to the marriage. And then review it with your investor. Your KIDS are depending on you to provide. When you review the biz plan with your W - treat her like a trusted advisor NOT your W. Ultimately as the CEO you should be asking for her input, and taking it seriously. But it isn't a democracy - so the plan needs to end up the way you believe it should before you take it to your investor. Don't show her your first draft. Or your second. What you show her should be called a "draft" but should be the highest quality product you can create. One page. Good leadership is impressive. Thank her for her input as if she was a valued employee. That means leaving the ILY stuff out.
5. Move out of the bedroom. Let her know that when she is ready to be your "WIFE" in the biblical sense you can discuss moving back in. DISCUSS. Not - you pull the string and I jump.
No "dates". If however she wants to play a board game with you and the kids - great. If there is a sport YOU are very good at and SHE wants to spend time together - do the sport. But no dinners/movies/money spending. Do NOT chase someone who does NOT want to be caught. She will just flee further and faster.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nice777guy
AC said “…be man enough to actually care and actually notice when she's hurting....Be who you are intended to be! And show HER that through your strength you can be loving and command her respect.”
“BE WHO YOU ARE INTENDED TO BE.” Awesome. Love it!
Manning up is about standing up strong for what you believe in. Whether that’s that your wife should be faithful, or that your marriage is still worth working on in spite of its flaws.
Seems like this thread is full of a lot of conflicting advice. Throw her out, pack her bags, let her leave but don’t help her, fight for her, stay, go, etc.,
Some think your wife is crazy – some think she’s vulnerable and hurting. Some are now telling you that YOU yourself are hopeless (maybe just to get your attention?) – same people who were previously praising you and suggesting your thread be made a “sticky” and used as an example for others to follow.
Re-read AffairCare’s advice. Your wife isn’t evil, YOU aren’t hopeless, and the affair didn’t happen in a vacuum. The marriage was vulnerable before the affair started.
No one would blame you if you walked away. Many would praise you if you stayed and worked on it.
I just don’t think that YOU know what YOU want to do. If you aren’t sure, then don’t do anything right now. Just focus on yourself, your kids and your work. Don’t pack her bags – don’t date her – don’t “lawyer up” – just continue doing what YOU need to do until you feel sure about what you truly want.
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Re: EA already moving towards PA! 
