EA already moving towards PA!

eagleclaw · 04-13-2011, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterNiceGuy

Great post!

This is the problem... How can I get my wife, who has emotional and sexually checked out of our marriage back into bed? I know that if she dropped her guard and we had sex, this thing would blow past pretty quickly. She is sexually charged I can tell you that. She frequently mentions it. She has told me she wants it, just not from me. I am ready to take the initiative on sex thing, but I've not gotten any signals from her that this is something she wants from me right now. Plus, I'm in the best shape I've been in years and she's got to see that!

The rest of the stuff I feel I'm getting a good handle on. It's not like a light bulb that you can just turn on overnight, especially if it's something you've lived with most of your adult life. I see where it came from. I talked to my mother yesterday and she starts telling me how to raise my kids and do this and do that and told her for the first time in a long time that I will do it at my own speed and do it on my terms and stop telling me what to do! Same with my wife...

At this point you have the luxary of absolutely NOTHING to lose. She may have checked out, but you still have the option of just going for it. You have NOTHING to lose. Do go take her. Be persistant and aggressive. If she gives you serious resistance, then stop and walk away.

We have talked about this before. But your waiting for a "sign" or some green light action on her part. I.E. - for her to tell you/show you what to do and take the lead.

Things are getting worse and you have nothing to lose. JUST DO IT!

AFEH · 04-13-2011, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eagleclaw

At this point you have the luxary of absolutely NOTHING to lose. She may have checked out, but you still have the option of just going for it. You have NOTHING to lose. Do go take her. Be persistant and aggressive. If she gives you serious resistance, then stop and walk away.

We have talked about this before. But your waiting for a "sign" or some green light action on her part. I.E. - for her to tell you/show you what to do and take the lead.

Things are getting worse and you have nothing to lose. JUST DO IT!

I say "gentle but firm" and with a smile. No aggression. You’ll know if you’re on the right track if she giggles. Tickle her if she does. If you get “stern or violent resistance” then just walk away with your dignity in tact.

I’m wondering MNG. Do you know the particular body language your wife uses or used to use when she wanted sex? It can be so subtle that men miss it.

Bob

eagleclaw · 04-13-2011, 12:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AFEH

I say "gentle but firm" and with a smile. No aggression. You’ll know if you’re on the right track if she giggles. Tickle her if she does. If you get “stern or violent resistance” then just walk away with your dignity in tact.

I’m wondering MNG. Do you know the particular body language your wife uses or used to use when she wanted sex? It can be so subtle that men miss it.

Bob

"gentle but firm" is the perfect summary. Aggressive might have been a poor choice of words. I was meaing to "ravish" her enthusiastically even in the face of minor/token resistance.

MisterNiceGuy · 04-13-2011, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AFEH

I say "gentle but firm" and with a smile. No aggression. You’ll know if you’re on the right track if she giggles. Tickle her if she does. If you get “stern or violent resistance” then just walk away with your dignity in tact.

I’m wondering MNG. Do you know the particular body language your wife uses or used to use when she wanted sex? It can be so subtle that men miss it.

Bob

Maybe I don't know the signals anymore. It's been so long...

This has been a problem of being a Nice Guy. I waited for her to initiate for such a long time. The only time I would initiate was when I had a few drinks. When she rejected me I took it personally. Those few times I didn't give up on the initiation, she almost always gave in. (A lesson I did not take to heart!). Now that I think back over the past few weeks there probably were a few times she was open to sex, but my head has been so screwed up over this affair then her wanting a separation that honestly I've been a little checked out myself. I see now that there may be an opportunity here to establish an intimate connection with her. I need to mull this over and see if this is somewhere I want to go with her right now. I am out of town for a couple of days... But if this current attitude of her continues (upbeat) I'm going to go for it shortly and I really have nothing to lose at this point do I?

MisterNiceGuy · 04-13-2011, 12:34 PM

I want to start a new thread. This one is getting too big:

Moving On...

MisterNiceGuy · 05-07-2012, 09:34 PM

Wow, I knew this day would come. I still have the most replies ever on a thread for the Men's Clubhouse!

Well, it's been an interesting year since I stopped updating this thread. At times I've mulled over pulling it down so my wife wouldn't stumble on it in the future, but I think it's a great resource for the classic Nice Guy that needs to man up and get on with his life.

About a year ago my wife decided to give it another try after her brief EA with a neighbor. I also decided to jump all the way in to see if there was really something there or not. Our financial problems have eased quite a bit and that isn't hanging over our heads causing problems. Our sex life is really good for a couple of 50 year olds. We have both upped our sex ranks by getting in shape (not that we were really out of shape, but now we are looking really good). I would say that we've had some ups and downs, but mostly ups! Although, I have to say that she used the divorce word last week, but instead of hovering around her and worrying about what she was thinking I told her take a hike and talk to me in the morning when she'd had a good nights sleep and lo and behold the problem went away! She even told me how I don't put up with her sh1t anymore! I'll tell you there is nothing like going through that torture to put a new perspective on everything. I put myself first and everyone else is second! Again I wanted to thank everyone for helping me through this. I really want to thank Athol and Dr. Robert Glover. Athol and Glover's books really set me straight and I don't know if I mentioned this before but I live in the Seattle, WA area and was lucky enough to get into one of Dr. Glover's mens groups last year and I can't tell you what a difference it made for me. I still check Athol's blog daily and I suggest anyone having the same problems I did to become an Athol Kay disciple. Of course there many guys here that offered great advice. Too many to name, but I am in awe of the amount of time some of these guys spend on these forums. I know I can't spend nearly the amount time I would like here to help out. I could easily spend a couple of hours a day answering questions here.

I know that I'm the exception that I made it through and am pretty happy with my marriage right now, but I think it can be done if you want to put the effort into it if it's not completely f&cked up!

MEM11363 · 05-07-2012, 10:59 PM

MNG,
You confronted your fear directly. You got control of YOU and in doing so took control of your life.

Bravo!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterNiceGuy

Wow, I knew this day would come. I still have the most replies ever on a thread for the Men's Clubhouse!

Well, it's been an interesting year since I stopped updating this thread. At times I've mulled over pulling it down so my wife wouldn't stumble on it in the future, but I think it's a great resource for the classic Nice Guy that needs to man up and get on with his life.

About a year ago my wife decided to give it another try after her brief EA with a neighbor. I also decided to jump all the way in to see if there was really something there or not. Our financial problems have eased quite a bit and that isn't hanging over our heads causing problems. Our sex life is really good for a couple of 50 year olds. We have both upped our sex ranks by getting in shape (not that we were really out of shape, but now we are looking really good). I would say that we've had some ups and downs, but mostly ups! Although, I have to say that she used the divorce word last week, but instead of hovering around her and worrying about what she was thinking I told her take a hike and talk to me in the morning when she'd had a good nights sleep and lo and behold the problem went away! She even told me how I don't put up with her sh1t anymore! I'll tell you there is nothing like going through that torture to put a new perspective on everything. I put myself first and everyone else is second! Again I wanted to thank everyone for helping me through this. I really want to thank Athol and Dr. Robert Glover. Athol and Glover's books really set me straight and I don't know if I mentioned this before but I live in the Seattle, WA area and was lucky enough to get into one of Dr. Glover's mens groups last year and I can't tell you what a difference it made for me. I still check Athol's blog daily and I suggest anyone having the same problems I did to become an Athol Kay disciple. Of course there many guys here that offered great advice. Too many to name, but I am in awe of the amount of time some of these guys spend on these forums. I know I can't spend nearly the amount time I would like here to help out. I could easily spend a couple of hours a day answering questions here.

I know that I'm the exception that I made it through and am pretty happy with my marriage right now, but I think it can be done if you want to put the effort into it if it's not completely f&cked up!

Deejo · 05-07-2012, 11:14 PM

Nothing 82 pages of posts couldn't fix ...

I think it's great that you were able to work things out.

Of course, I think you've gotten to the place where things would be great if they didn't work out either. That's when you know you have done the work that needs to be done.

Conrad · 05-08-2012, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MEM11363

MNG,
You confronted your fear directly. You got control of YOU and in doing so took control of your life.

Bravo!!!

2nd that notion.

It's eerie.

I mentioned you in a post yesterday.